Behind Closed Doors
by waterpaint
Summary: Piper learns the hard way why a doctor should never fall for their patient. [Alex/Piper - AU]
1. Kid

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Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>1.<strong>

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'We've got another one.'

Piper hated the emergency room, especially at night. Very rarely were there good cases. Usually, she was stuck with drunken idiots who needed the poison pumped out of their veins, cuts and bruises, or, even better, the obsessive parents and their screaming, snotty child. On a good day, one of these cases might turn out to be more serious than it looked. Piper remembered one of her colleagues treating a man who had come in with what seemed like the common cold, only to discover he also had a tumour growing in his brain. As sick as it sounded, _those_ were the exciting moments in medicine.

Grabbing the chart a nurse handed to her, she skimmed over the notes, and refrained from rolling her eyes. Perfect. Another waste of sperm who offered nothing to society, and would rather waste away her life injecting drugs into her body. How many had this been now? Six patients in the past four hours had been sent in, with symptoms of overdosing. Fortunately, this patient wasn't all too severe. She was lucky; all that was required was rest, she needed to drink, eat something, but then she could go. The girl was just taking up room, and someone who had actual _purpose_ in life might appear and need her bed.

Several months back, when Piper started out as an intern, she wouldn't have thought like this. Being a doctor was everything; the adrenaline and rush to help people was everything she could ever want. Slowly, though, the months of constant work, the never ending beeping of pages, and the continuous cycle of treating the same patient after the next, managed to distort the young doctor slightly. Her fiancé had noticed; he claimed she smiles less, and whenever she did come home from work –– which was rare in itself –– work was all she talked about.

Reaching her patient's bed, she didn't even look at her as she examined the patient's chart. 'You're lucky. It's not common for people like you to enter the hospital, and come out still alive.'

'Aren't you just a ray of sunshine?'

Piper glanced up. She was surprised to discover the girl –– no, _woman_ –– was older than she thought. The black glasses shadowed her eyes somewhat, and Piper found her appearance quite startling. Pale skin, black hair, around 5"10. She was sitting upright and showed no symptoms of suffering an overdose of drugs. In fact, she was smiling at her, a funny glint in her eyes, brows raised. She looked well. Piper frowned at her, confused. 'Uh, Miss... Alex––' She glanced at the chart, '––Vaus–ey...?'

'_Vause_.' She chuckled. 'I honestly don't feel all that safe around a doctor who can't read my own name.'

'It's been a long day,' Piper sighed.

'I can tell. You look like you're about to collapse any second.'

'Thanks.' Piper lowered the chart. 'Since you ODed, we need to keep you in for a few more hours––'

'ODed?' Alex frowned, the smile was gone. 'I didn't OD.'

'Well, it says so on the chart.'

'Then your chart is wrong.'

Piper rolled her eyes. 'Who's the doctor here? Your chart clearly states that you ODed approximately around 1734 today–– or yesterday. In your own home. Although, frankly, I don't expect you to remember that.'

'Hang on a minute, kid.' Alex straightened a little more, and there was an edge of confidence about her which almost made Piper shrink back. 'I don't give a shit if you're the doctor or not. Big fucking woop for you, by the way. But you just have a chart –– I _know_ I didn't OD. Go get that chart checked on, because it's not right. Or, maybe, your brain is so fried from all the work you've been doing you just can't _read_ anymore. You certainly proved that when trying to pronounce my name.'

'_Doctor_.'

'What?'

'It's doctor. Not kid.'

Alex laughed. 'How old are you?'

'T––Twenty four.'

'Twenty nine. So yeah, _kid_, go fix my chart because I did not OD.'

Scowling, Piper wanted to kick Alex off the bed here and now, but risking her job over some street junky wasn't worth it. This woman was nothing but a pain in the ass, and Piper had more serious patients to attend to. Slamming the chart onto the edge of the bed, she walked away briskly, pissed off beyond belief. How outrageous! How rude, too! Piper _hated_ her jobs sometimes. How could patients be so ungrateful for the treatment they were given? She didn't make an effort to correct Alex's chart.

Fortunately, treating a boy with a broken ankle managed to distract Piper from the incident, and from that point on her pride was healed. However as she left the emergency room and headed for one of the nurse's stations to skim through her notes, she was greeted with an unpleasant surprise. 'You should be in bed.'

'And you are not the first girl to tell me that,' Alex smirked. 'Just wanted to check on you. You seemed rough back there. You all right?'

Piper blinked. 'I––' She closed her mouth. Turned to her. Folded her arms. '––I should be asking _you_ that. Why are you out of bed anyway?'

'Because I am not sick. Nor did I OD, thank you very much. Actually, I came over to tell you that you're shit at your job. The chart got mixed up with another patient.'

'I appreciate you informing me of this,' Piper muttered through jarred teeth.

'Is that how you usually treat ODed patients?' Alex snorted. 'Trust me, they'd rather go through the whole trauma of being sent in here again than having to see your grumpy mug.' Then she laughed, and Piper wasn't sure if she was laughing because she wasn't serious, or if she was laughing at Piper's current expression. Probably the latter. Because Piper did _not_ look happy.

One peeve Piper had with patients was their uncooperative nature when being treated. With some patients, one had to go through discussion after discussion on how a certain medical procedure was to be taken. It took hours, sometimes days. What miffed Piper even more, though, was when patients, like Alex Vause, had the audacity to criticise how she treated people.

Especially after a long, _long_ fucking day.

'You know what? _No_. No, I'm not okay! I've been rushing around here for the past sixteen hours, and I haven't eaten anything since lunchtime which was ages ago. Not only that, but I've had to deal with vomit, screaming children, sutures bursting open, a violent cancer patient, another patient who thought it was fucking reasonable to slap my ass every time I walked by –– it's not funny! Oh, what else? Hm. Oh, I know! Let's not forget the imbeciles who think it's perfectly okay to drown themselves in alcohol, and then take up beds in the emergency room so we can pump out all of the poison they literally tried to kill themselves with. Do they care? Do they even say thank you? No. I actually have to work my ass off day in and day out, to treat people who don't even give a flying shit. So, I'm not okay!'

Alex's brows were raised. She waited for Piper to calm down, and it took Piper a moment to realise Alex hadn't laughed. She hadn't walked away, and she hadn't teased her. She listened and, despite everything, Piper had to appreciate that. No one in this damn building cared to listen, with good reason. Every doctor and nurse in the hospital had enough on their plate to listen to their colleagues' problems. A mere intern whining about her day would be the last thing they wanted to hear.

'Why did you decide to become a doctor?'

The question took Piper off guard. 'Uh.' She stumbled on her answer, because she realised she didn't know. More accurately, she had forgotten and it shocked her. Yet, it came back, eventually. Her voice was calmer, 'Because I wanted to help people.' It sounded stupid, pathetic even, but it was the truth.

'Figured as much,' Alex replied. 'You're doing all right, kid. I know this sort of profession can kill you, but if you keep reminding yourself why you took this role on in the first place, you'll keep at it.'

Piper sighed. 'How do you know?'

'I know a lot of things.' There was that glint in her eye again. She had gone back to teasing again, but there was still a hint of sincerity behind her tone. 'I also know a good person when I see one.'

Piper smiled. 'Thanks.' She felt better, and she wasn't sure if it was because she finally cracked, or because of what Alex had said to her. 'What do you do, then? Except offer constructive criticism to fellow doctors?'

'Drugs. I sell them. Well, I do more than that.' She raised her glasses, as if proud of herself. 'I work for an international drug cartel.'

There was a long pause between them. Suddenly, Alex laughed, easing the uncomfortable tension, and Piper laughed with her, albeit nervously. 'I thought you were serious then.'

'Hm.' Alex raised her brows, smiling crookedly. 'Charming as you are, I should be off. Try to not get anymore charts mixed up. It could get messy.'

Piper rolled her eyes, but she smiled. 'I'll try.'

It was only when Alex had gone down the hall, and vanished around the corner did Piper wonder what was wrong with her. She had come in with some sort of problem. Apparently, it wasn't drugs, and she doubted it was anything more serious than that. After all, it was unlike a patient to be walking around so soon after enduring trauma. It didn't matter, because she doubted she would meet Alex again. Maybe for the better. Alex might have a nice side to her, but she seemed like a handful.

Shoving a patient's chart under her arm, Piper returned to the emergency room and remained there until the end of her shift five hours afterwards.

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The following morning, Piper was relieved to discover she hadn't been assigned to the emergency room. Her attending gave the interns quick, snappy orders, and warned one of them might be paged if any serious cases showed up. Naturally, each intern was eager to know who would be the lucky devil, but Piper wasn't feeling as enthusiastic as usual. Her fellow intern and friend, Polly, happened to notice. By lunchtime, Piper still looked glum, munching on a salad and flicking through a medical book.

Slamming her tray of food down onto the table, Polly sat beside her, 'Hey,' she nudged the blonde. 'What's got you in such a mood?'

Piper looked at her, expression blunt. 'He hates me.'

'Who?'

'Larry.'

'What, why?'

'Because I spend more time in this fucking hospital than I do at home.'

Her best friend snorted. 'If I were him, I'd appreciate you being away. You look horrific.'

'Really? Is that meant to make me feel better?'

Polly grinned. 'Okay. You don't look _that_ bad, except for the dark rings under your eyes, and the frown. Have you been sleeping?'

'Take a wild guess.'

'Well, Larry's a sweet guy –– he'll understand if you just tell him. You're an intern. You can't risk skipping out on the job.' Her friend offered no response, not even a blink. 'Okay, you're freaking me out. Go to the on-call room and sleep. I'll cover you––'

'Yeah, and steal all my patients. How _generous_.'

'Fine. Be an ass. But when you collapse from exhaustion, don't expect me to be the one catching you,' Polly said, biting into her sandwich.

Returning to her food, Piper muttered, 'You're a good friend.'

'I know.'

A few seconds later, both interns were disturbed from their lunch when their pagers went off. Without a second to waste, they jumped off their seats and hurried past several wards, before reaching the area their attending was. Immediately the attending shoved the patient's chart into Piper's chest, 'Your favourite,' he said, cocking a brow. 'Nichols is a frequent visitor. Be nice.'

Piper quickly skimmed over the chart, Polly leaning over her shoulder to read it as well. Once she was finished, Piper looked at the patient. Nicky Nichols stared right back, a twisted, amused smirk slowly reaching her lips. 'I love interns. They always look like they're gonna shit themselves. What's your name, Blondie?'

For some odd reason, Piper felt a tad intimidated by the other woman. Her hair was, no doubt, a reflection of her nature. Nicky obviously didn't know what a brush was, or didn't care to use one. An IV had been inserted into her wrist, and she appeared relatively at ease. Piper turned to her attending, who just shrugged. She faced Nicky again. 'Uh, P–– Chapman. Doctor Chapman.'

'Doctor Chapman,' Nicky repeated, lowering her voice. 'No offence, but I'd rather have the brunette poke me around. You barely look conscious –– what's wrong with these kids? Fucking obsessed with your jobs, you don't even consider taking showers or nothing.'

Piper gaped. The attending snatched the chart from her and passed it to a stunned Polly. 'Off you go, then, Chapman.'

'I––' She frowned at Nicky. 'I don't need a shower.'

'Oh yeah? Have you seen yourself lately?'

'Have _you_?'

'Chapman!'

Piper flinched at her attending's raised voice. She ignored Nicky's smirk. 'Sorry, sir.' Lowering her head, she avoided Polly's gaze, and brushed past, red in the face. Before she could collect her thoughts and go into another spiral of rage about how shitty some patients could be, she bumped straight into someone.

'Whoa, watch it!'

'Sorry––' Wait, she knew that voice. Piper widened her eyes in horror. 'Oh God, not you.'

Alex stared at her, then remembered. She smiled, frowned. 'That's not nice. And here I thought you were starting to warm up to me.'

'Why are you here?'

'Visiting a friend. The one who ODed yesterday.' Alex let that hang.

'... it was a mistake. I didn't mean to mix up the charts,' Piper said quietly. 'Anyway, you can tell your friend if she ODes again, she might end up as a vegetable. In fact, she _will_.'

'Bedside manners are clearly your strongest suit. I'll tell her. Don't worry, kid.'

Piper looked at her. 'Don't _worry_? Is that a joke?'

'This is the first time she's gone overboard. Nichols might get a little _too_ involved with what she likes to snort up her nose, but she's responsible.' Alex paused, raised her glasses higher up her nose. 'It won't happen again. I'll keep a good eye on her.'

'Good luck with that.'

'So, how's the fiancé?'

Piper frowned. 'What?'

'Didn't you say you had a fiancé last night? Or was I hearing things? I hope the latter.'

'I––' The blonde cleared her throat awkwardly at Alex's last statement. 'Yes, I have a fiancé and he's _fine_. Y–– You're very forward, you know?'

'You haven't seen anything, kid,' Alex smirked, stepping past her. Piper thought she was leaving, until she realised Alex was only circling her, eyes drifting up and down her figure. It made Piper feel even more awkward, and very self conscious, but she also quite liked it. She wasn't sure. Either way, this sort of behaviour wasn't appropriate and she had little tolerance right now.

'What are you, a vulture?' Piper pulled a face.

'You manage to make scrubs look good,' Alex shrugged, catching her eye. 'Which is impressive, because they're the most unflattering attires I've seen.'

'Being a doctor isn't exactly a fashion parade.'

Alex smiled crookedly, then raised her glasses over her head. It was the first time Piper had seen her without them, and, she had to admit, there was an improvement. Alex had a nice face, which was neither gentle or stern. Somewhere in the middle. When she smiled, there was a dimple in her left cheek, and the dark eyeliner around her eyes made her look like someone who wanted to be taken seriously, and who _should_ be taken seriously. She had an interesting appearance; one Piper found pleasure in studying.

'Has your fiancé ever told you that for someone with such a fancy education, you have shit manners?'

'What makes you think my education was _fancy_? And, no, he hasn't told me that, because I'm well-mannered to kind people, and he happens to be kind.'

She was chuckling, 'It's cute, how you try to scare me.'

Piper felt the heat in her cheeks rise again. She looked away. 'I have a job to do. Go see your friend.' With that, she walked past the older female, and Alex didn't stop her.

The remainder of her shift could have been worse. Fortunately she managed to avoid that Nicky Nichols; she was Polly's patient now. Which also meant she didn't have to run into Alex Vause again. While their conversations were far from boring, Alex managed to make Piper's head spin; she asked too much, mocked her when she shouldn't, and called her _kid_ which pissed Piper off immensely.

By 1815, Piper was busy fixing a patient's sutures when Polly came over. 'I'm so glad that addict is out of the hospital. She just would not let me concentrate and examine her.' Dragging over a stool, she sat beside Piper and sighed heavily. 'I tell you what though, her friend was even worse. First she got my name wrong more than once, then she started asking me personal questions which Nicky found hilarious. Pft.' She glanced at Piper, who had a faint smile on her lips, eyes focussed on the patient's arm she was sewing up. 'Glad I could make you laugh, too.'

'I'm sorry,' Piper said, looking at her. 'It's just –– I met her, that one asking you personal questions. She was here last night. I got her chart mixed up with Nichols' apparently––'

'Oh my _God_, Pipes.'

'It wasn't my fault! It doesn't matter anyway; it got sorted. Not that Alex cares. She won't let it go.'

'You know, I've seen her come in before.' Piper returned to her sutures, and waited for Polly to remember. Suddenly she clicked her fingers, 'Oh yeah! She's a TB patient. Active TB and all. Last time I saw her she was in a right mess; I suppose it's good to know she's up and about taking the piss out of everyone she sees.'

Piper stopped. She frowned at Polly. 'She has active TB?'

'You wouldn't think so, would you? Guess she just doesn't like to put on a show about it.'

'Harper! Chapman!' At the sound of their attending's voice, Piper instantly resumed to her sutures, and Polly shot to her feet, whispering a quick good bye before hurrying off.

As Piper finished her work, she was admittedly a tad distracted by what Polly had informed her. The last thing she expected Alex Vause to have was active tuberculosis. How long for? Heck, why did it matter anyway? For all Piper knew, Alex wouldn't be showing her face anytime soon. Upon thinking about it, she hoped she wouldn't.

If Alex did return, it only meant bad news.

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**author's note**: Because alternative universes are fun if they're plausible. As always, I don't expect my writing to be accurate, so I do apologise if there are any jarring errors in this story. Even though Piper/Alex is the primary couple, do expect Piper/Larry too because, you know, he _is_ her fiancé and all. At the moment, I'm only focussing on my other story, _White_, but once that is finished I intend to put my full attention into this one. Please do leave some feedback; tell me your thoughts. Yay or nay?  
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	2. Conflicted Charm

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Behind Closed Doors  
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Piper didn't go home. The on-call room was not the most private of areas, but after a long day's work, the beds were luxury. It was her pager which woke her up. Swearing, she grabbed her top scrub and pulled it on, before rushing out. Larry was going to be upset. More than upset. _Angry_. Because she promised the morning before she would be back in time for dinner. She promised to try and be this obedient, good fiancé who put family before work.

Basically, Piper was trying _not_ to be a great doctor. This didn't necessarily occur to her until later. In order to be a great doctor, or even a decent one, she _had_ to put work before her loved ones. This job was more than _just a job_. It was her life. It was everything. Since she started University to study medicine, her life had been taken over. Frankly, it was a miracle she even had the time to meet a bloke, fall in love and get engaged.

When she was on break, around ten in the morning, she rang her fiancé, chewing on her lower lip. There were a variety of things she could say to him, but she knew he had his limits. Even if Larry was understanding, caring and wonderful, he had his limits. Several days ago, he admitted how much he missed her, and how much they seemed to be getting distant. It upset her. It upset her because as much as she wanted to cling onto what they had, she agreed. Since she became an intern, Larry was no longer at the forefront of her mind.

Medicine was.

Not to her surprise, Larry picked up. Unfortunately, he wasn't as successful as Piper was when it came to work so had the time to receive calls during the day. Trying to succeed in the journalism area wasn't easy, especially when no one gave a crap about what you wrote. '_Hello_?'

'Hi,' Piper said, the guilt evident in her tone.

A sigh from him. '_Hi_.'

'Larry, I–– I'm so sorry. I've just been swamped with work.'

'_You're always swamped with work, Pipes_.' He wasn't raising his voice; he was gentle, soft. But she had a hunch it wasn't out of his devotion for her. Larry was just tired. Tired of playing this game and going over this conversation again and again.

Leaning against the wall, Piper ran a hand through her hair. 'Are you mad?'

'_No._'

'I'm so fucking stressed, Larry.'

'_You're always fucking stressed_.' Piper didn't respond, she didn't know how to. What could she say to make him understand? The doctor was too burned out to argue. She had no energy to feel anger. All she could endure was this huge disappointment, and she wasn't sure if she was disappointed in herself, or in him. Probably both. '_I'm sorry, too_.'

'What does that mean?'

'_Please come home tonight_.'

'I'll try.'

'_Just this once. I won't nag you again... for the next few weeks_.'

Piper laughed lightly, and knew he was smiling on the other end. 'Okay. I will. Promise.'

'_You __**really**__ promise this time_?'

'Really.'

After hanging up, Piper felt better. Still stressed and tired, but better. Knowing her fiancé was willing to give her another chance made the weight on her shoulders lighter. She could count on Larry and his never ending patience. Hopefully, soon, this fucking career would stop swallowing her social life, and she would be able to pay more attention to him.

Hurrying up several staircases, nearly colliding into an attending, Piper approached the nurses' station to collect her charts. Before rounds, she had to memorise her patients' medical details. This wasn't tricky. She had gone over and over these charts since last night. However, when she came to pick them up today, she realised there was an extra one added to the pile. Frowning, Piper opened the chart. An unsettling sensation grew within her when she recognised the name.

_Alex Vause_.

'Fuck.'

Piper wasn't sure _why_ she wasn't happy to know Alex was in the hospital. To be honest, their last two meetings had been relatively awkward, not to mention humiliating on her part. Alex just had a way to make Piper's teeth grind. She was smug, cocky, and far too flirtatious for Piper's liking. Although, she had to admit, if there was anything nice about Alex it would have to be her looks. Piper found her appearance rather appealing.

She pulled a face at herself. Why on _earth_ was she thinking about a _patient_ she didn't even like? Growling, she went over to join her group of interns. Polly was amongst them, and Piper didn't waste a second to go and stand next to her. 'I can already tell this day is going to be shit.'

'Have you been home since yesterday?'

Piper shook her head.

'Of course not,' Polly murmured.

Their conversation didn't progress any further. By the time their attending arrived to send them around the hospital, Piper could barely stand. Her eyes refused to open, and Polly looked very tempting to lie on right now. The first patient they visited was in their late sixties, heart problems, needed a transplant, stuff Piper had seen so many times she was barely interested. God, how being a doctor had turned her into such a coldhearted bitch.

It was only when her attending asked her questions when she jumped into attention and answered. She was pleased each of her answers were correct and thorough, even earning a _smile_ from her attending, before the group of interns were whisked onwards. Everything went downhill, though, when they stepped into a ward and she saw the one patient she didn't want to see.

Novel in hand, Alex watched the group of interns enter, and slowly cocked a brow when she spotted Piper. Quickly, Piper looked away, and tried to hide behind Polly, but the brunette only gave her an odd look and shuffled aside. 'What's wrong with you? You're creeping me out.'

'Harper! Since you think this is the perfect opportunity for you to chatter, why not tell me what you know about our patient here.'

Almost sarcastically, Alex lowered her book and focussed her attention on Polly, amused. Polly, on the other hand, looked as if she was about to enter the battlefield unarmed. 'Uh, sir... I don't know.'

The ward went silent.

Piper nearly shivered.

'... Chapman?'

_Fuck_. 'Alex Vause, twenty-nine, admitted this morning at around one fifteen due to coughing up blood and severe stomach cramps. Diagnosed with active pulmonary tuberculosis, and has been treated with several medications, all of which _would_ have worked if she decided to take them frequently.' Piper then had the guts to look her in the eye.

Alex smiled crookedly.

'As bitter as you are, Chapman, you may want to tone down on the accusations there.'

'Sorry, sir.'

The attending nodded and looked at Alex. 'I'm sure you've gathered already that this is Doctor Chapman. She'll be attending to your treatments and observing your health.'

'Looking forward to it,' Alex replied, her eyes on Piper. The blonde ignored the flush creeping to her cheeks. There was something about the way Alex watched her which made her feel very self-conscious. Alex looked at her as if she were a book, something to read, study into, an object she found fascinating and wanted to understand.

The group of interns and her attending went out, leaving Piper alone with her patient. Alex was silent while Piper approached her, taking her stethoscope from around her neck. 'Okay, I'm going to need you to breathe in deeply for me, please.' Piper placed the end of her stethoscope on Alex's chest, and the slightly older woman inhaled, before exhaling. After listening to her heartbeat, Piper pulled back. 'Thank you.'

'You're welcome.'

Piper ignored her, dangling the stethoscope around the back of her neck again. 'This treatment will be difficult to continue with, Miss Vause, but, believe me, the outcome is worth it. Just continue taking your meds once they're prescribed to you. It's easy.'

'Are all doctors like that?'

The blonde glanced at her. 'Like what?'

'You.' Alex shrugged. The smile was gone. 'With the god-complex, thinking you stand on a pedestal while everyone kisses your feet. Look at yourself, kid. Talking to me as if I'm some dumb fuck dragged right off the street. I've got news for you: I'm not _stupid_. I know _exactly_ what those meds will do, and I would have continued taking them if they worked.'

'They didn't work because you stopped taking them, Miss Vause.'

'Miss Vause?' Alex laughed. 'Are you fucking serious? My name's Alex, kid. This isn't fucking high school –– I ain't your senior.'

'It's called _manners_,' Piper glared. 'Something you _clearly_ know nothing about.'

'Right, because you know everything. After all, you get to wear the fancy, white coat and get to call yourself a doctor.'

Before when she spoke with Larry, Piper didn't have the energy to fight. With Alex, however, she felt a surge of rage rush through her. What was _wrong_ with this woman? 'It's not my fault you refuse to take your meds, which _will_ work, by the way. Have a little patience. You can't cure TB with the click of your fingers, you know?'

'A _little _patience?' Alex rolled her eyes. 'Don't get me wrong: I know you've been busy, but have you bothered to check my medical history?'

Piper said nothing. She was stumped.

Removing her glasses, Alex sat straighter. The flirtatious and teasing glimmer in her eyes was gone completely, and Piper knew she had made a mistake. Not many patients were able to make her feel uncomfortable. In fact, the only person who wounded her pride was Nicky Nichols from two days ago.

This time it had nothing to do with pride. Nicky had been mocking Piper, she was _deliberately_ trying to get on her nerves, but Alex was more mature; she had a _reason_. She only had to _look_ at Piper to make the girl feel guilty. 'I have a poor immune system. It's _shit_. _Life_ is shit for me, kid. I've had to be patient with my weak body since I was fucking born. I frequent the hospital a lot –– heck, you might as well say it's my second home. I know you doctors are crazy about this death hole, but I hate it here. I fucking _hate_ hospitals, and I _hate_ doctors who think they know their patients when they don't know _shit_.'

Piper swallowed. She didn't look away, she kept watching Alex, refusing to buckle. But it was clear she had nothing; she was speechless.

'The meds were killing me, plus after months and months of taking the same fucking pills all the time, you get a little tired of it all. I wanted to live, you know? Just fucking _live_. Because I haven't _lived_ like you cocky assholes have. I'm sick most of the time. The TB was just unfortunate; it's a fucking nuisance, and, compared to the other shit that's happened to me, it's a right pain in the backside. There's nothing fun about vomiting blood, but there's nothing fun about wasting away your dumb life hiding away from society because of the side-effects to the drugs.'

And there it was. What Piper witnessed before from this patient was nearly act. She should have known. While Alex held herself with confidence, while she pretended to find doctors amusing, while she tricked herself into believing life was grand, she was a wreck. Feeling foolish, Piper decided to just look at Alex's chart instead. In a way, she did feel flattered. It must have taken a lot for Alex to reveal so much in the short space of time she had come to know her young doctor.

Yet what she admitted, the criticisms and name-callings she threw at Piper –– it hurt. 'I'm sorry,' Piper whispered, still not able to look at her. 'I... I haven't had the time to check your medical records. I've been stuck in this death hole since yesterday. I know I can be a dick, but I only mean well.'

Alex sighed. 'Fuck it, kid. All doctors mean well. That's why they're doctors.' Then her expression softened. 'Look, if you're able to convince me to take the meds, I'll take them. I'll even take them if you give me a smile.' She paused, which Piper took as a cue to give her what she wanted. Despite the heated berating she received, this smile was real, and it was for Alex. It was for Alex because she was trying, and she was willing to forgive her. 'That's better.' Alex offered a small smile in return. 'I know what a stressy job is like –– I've been there. Up for three nights at a time, without any sleep. It sucks. But the result always make this shit worth it.'

'Yeah,' Piper exhaled, lowering the chart. 'It's hard to latch onto the positives, though, when the people you hold close are fading away.' When her patient snorted, Piper glared at her. 'It's not funny; I'm serious. I just called Larry this morning, and had to apologise––'

'Who the fuck's _Larry_?'

'My... my fiancé.' Piper frowned. 'Why am I telling you this?'

Alex raised a brow. 'Your fiancé's name is Larry?'

'Yes. Why?'

'Well, at least I know the name of the git I intend to steal you away from.'

It should have been awkward. Piper should have turned around and left, but she didn't. She didn't blush, either, or feel offended. Instead, she felt another smile tug at her lips. Then she sniggered, 'At this point, I'll be seeing more of you than him.'

'No complaints here, then.' Alex cocked her chin slightly. 'So, what were you saying about Larry, the fiancé?'

'Just Larry will do.'

'Eh.'

Piper's smile broadened. 'I was about to say, I had to apologise to him this morning because I didn't return home last night.'

'Really? Out partying?'

'If you mean falling unconscious in the on-call room, then, yes. I partied hard.'

Alex smirked. 'At least you're sleeping, kid. I'm afraid the fiancé called Larry will have to suck it up. If he can't, then you should turn your nose to someone else. Already I can tell he's a jackass, so you might as well ditch the guy.'

'Oh really? Because you have _great_ advice to share on heterosexual relationships, don't you?' Piper laughed, earning a crooked smile from Alex. After a moment, she stopped, '... Sorry. I shouldn't have assumed you were gay.'

'I am.'

'... Ah.' _Now_ she felt awkward.

'What?' Alex raised her brows. 'Scared? Are homophobics scared? I can't tell.'

'I'm not scared. And I'm not homophobic, either!' Piper folded her arms. 'I just–– didn't know what to say.'

'You don't have to say anything, kid.' Alex slipped on her glasses, and lifted her novel. 'Don't worry. I'm not interested.' If Alex was joking, it was hard to tell.

At first, Piper simply nodded and thought it was about time she left. However, she wanted to challenge the other woman. Piper didn't know if Alex saw her as a fragile thing –– a lot of people did, and, for some reason, she didn't want Alex thinking so little of her. 'Why not?'

'Do you want me to be?' Alex had turned to her reading, distracted.

Piper fidgeted. Shrugged. 'No. I just–– wanted to know why you're not interested.'

'Because you're _engaged_. And you're straight. I avoid straight, engaged girls at all costs.'

'Why?'

'Because I do.' Alex looked at her sharply. 'Stop flirting with me, and do your fucking job, kid.'

'I–– I'm not flirting with you!'

Alex smiled. 'Sure sounded like you were. I don't blame you, to be honest.'

Gaping, Piper was about to turn away. But, again, she just couldn't bring herself to. '_You_ are a right cocky shit.'

'I like it when you swear. It's cute.'

'Shut up. You have TB.'

'Good comeback. I'm hurt.'

Piper jumped in surprise when she heard the unpleasant sound of her attending's voice. After a humiliating scolding in front of Alex for "slacking off" and "acting inappropriate in front of patients", Piper was kicked out of the room. All the while, she knew Alex had been smirking to herself, and it didn't take long for Piper to return to her grumbly mood. She decided to place the blame on Alex, because if she hadn't distracted her so much, she wouldn't have got into trouble. And Piper _hated_ it whenever she was in trouble.

As punishment, she was stuck in the pit, doing sutures and the grunt work until her attending decided she had done enough tedious chores. Fun, fun, fun. How could a patient be _that_ annoying? Piper ground her teeth, muttering under her breath about how Alex should get off her high-horse and take her medication. That way she wouldn't have to _be_ in this stupid hospital which she hated so much. What a moron. Whatever. For all Piper cared, she could die and rot in here. It wasn't her problem if Alex was uncooperative with her meds.

_Why am I even giving that asshole the time of day?_

Scowling, she finished her last sutures and rolled her stool over to the nurse's desk where she was out of the way. Maybe if she told Larry about Alex, that might help blow off steam. Then again, she wasn't sure how well Larry would take to Alex. Probably not as well as Piper, but she didn't want to cause more complications between them than there already was.

–– "At_ least I know the name of the git I intend to steal you away from._"

What a dick.

'I wasn't even flirting with you either,' Piper ranted under her breath, earning a peculiar expression from a nearby nurse.

'What?'

Piper turned to Polly who had just joined her, with a half eaten chocolate bar in hand. 'Oh. Nothing. Just a patient.'

'You were flirting with a patient?'

'No.' Piper closed her eyes. 'She _thought_ I was, but I wasn't–– You know what, it doesn't matter.'

Polly chewed, nodding slowly. 'Okay, then. Hey, I met a cute guy last night. He asked me out, and I was wondering if you and Larry might want to have a double date with us.'

'Whoa, whoa–– _Who_ asked you out?' Piper asked, wide eyed. 'And _why_?'

'Oi, shut up!' Polly pushed her playfully. 'His name's Pete. British. Or Australian, I dunno. But, yeah, I met him at a bar last night.'

Piper blinked. 'Cheap.'

'He's cute! Plus, he doesn't live with his mother.'

'That's a keeper, then.'

'So –– how about it? I mean, you and Larry need to get some spark going on, since your relationship with him is pretty shit right now.'

'I wish I didn't tell you so much.'

Polly grinned. 'Come _on_, Pipes. We need to get away from this hospital and the female patients you're apparently flirting with.' She ignored Piper's look. 'Go home tonight, eat the shit Larry gives you for dinner, and then tell him you're both going on a date with me and Pete.'

'Fine.' Piper sighed. 'If I fall asleep during, don't act surprised. I'm burned out.'

'Me too. But at least stay awake for the first hour. It'll be awkward if Larry's the third wheel.'

Piper sniggered. 'Okay. The first hour, then. By the way, did you get your ass whipped for not knowing Alex Vause's details?'

'Yeah. I get to scrub our attending's car sparkly clean this weekend, which I cannot _wait_ for.' Cocking a brow, Polly nibbled on the tip of her chocolate bar. 'Tell you what, though –– you knew her details _quite_ well.'

'Don't start.'

'... was _she_ the patient you were flirting with?'

Glaring at no one in particular, Piper jumped off her stool and stormed away, red in the face, Polly snickering to herself as she went.

**.**

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**author's note**: I am overwhelmed by the amount of feedback and support I received for the first chapter, and I am crossing my fingers, hoping chapter two hasn't let you down. If you've read my other Vauseman story, _White_, you've probably noticed the difference in style of writing. This is because not only does this story have a different mood, I also want it to be rather easygoing for me –– to a degree. A simpler writing style just makes chugging out chapters a breeze, although I do hope my writing remains decent. I've done loads of research on tuberculosis, and I think I'm just overcomplicating Alex's problems. So, if I write something medically inaccurate, don't be shocked. I'm just ignorant.

Another huge thank you to _everyone_. You're all amazing. The OITNB fandom is, by far, the most supportive I've ever been in. You all make writing so much more exciting for me whenever you leave feedback.


	3. Play The Game

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Behind Closed Doors  
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This wasn't necessarily the most romantic of restaurants Piper had ever been to, but she had too little energy in order to complain. She could smell burnt toast, and a whiff of something sweet in the air –– frowning to herself, Piper sat down beside Larry, who was already busy studying the menu. Opposite them was Polly and her new boyfriend, Pete. Although they had just met, Piper had to admit he wasn't such a bad guy, which was a huge deal considering she was _incredibly_ picky when it came to Polly's boyfriends. After all, she liked to make sure her best friend was with someone who would make her happy.

For a couple of minutes, the two couples were quiet. Piper drummed her fingers against the table, scanning the area. On a table not too far away were a group of men, who must either be stupid or half deaf considering they were shouting at each other instead of talking normally. Piper grimaced. Perfect. That was _exactly_ what she needed tonight. Big, loud men whose egos were so large they could barely fit into the damn restaurant. Larry seemed to notice Piper's lack of enthusiasm.

'We can move,' he suggested, glancing at Pete for confirmation.

However, Piper just shook her head. 'No, it's okay.' She smiled shortly at him, but she knew it looked forced. In an attempt to distract herself, she faced Polly. 'So, I heard from Doctor Healy that some of us are going to be assigned with "special" patients with "special" diseases so we can treat them with "special" medicine.'

'Your sarcasm could cut brick,' Polly replied. 'It's true, though. He hasn't actually specified what these "special" diseases are, but I'm excited.'

Larry cleared his throat, catching the girls' attention. 'Can we, maybe, _not_ talk about medicine when you're both off duty?' The way he said it, almost timidly, sent a wave of guilt through Piper. She had to admit, he had a point; it was unfair of her to be discussing work when this was the first time in ages they were able to spend time together. 'Pete, what is it you do for a career?'

As well as guilt, Piper also felt boredom. When Pete admitted he was a full-time professional writer, both he and Larry were lost in conversation about the brilliance of words and forming sentences with said words. Piper looked at her best friend, and gave her a look Polly only registered as "Do I _have_ to be here?". After receiving a stern glare from her, Piper straightened in her seat and pretended to act interested. She watched Larry, propped on one elbow, and had to admit he was a bit of a fucking hypocrite.

That thought nearly made her flinch. She had _never _thought badly about her soon-to-be husband. She liked Larry because he was passionate about his work, even if he never got any. And she liked Larry because he always welcomed her home with food, and really nice food at that. He made her laugh and smile, and they watched _Mad Men_ together in bed when she had her days off. It was all good, it was pleasant and nice; she easily fell for him because he accepted her job and how demanding it was. And he always made up for the time they lost because of Piper's internship.

Piper jumped in her seat when one of the loud men from behind roared with laughter. Polly snorted. 'I think they're having a competition over who has the biggest dick.'

'That's going to be tricky, seeing as they don't have one.'

'Oh, Piper, medicine has made you so bitter.'

'And yet, so honest.'

'And humble, too!'

The blonde smiled at her, and turned to Polly's boyfriend. 'Pete, if there's one thing you should know about Polly, it's that she is a sarcastic asshole.'

Polly gaped, 'Hey, says _you_. Larry, if there's one thing you should know about Piper, it's that she's an absolute dick. Oh wait, I guess you already know that––'

'Just because I like to tell the truth, doesn't mean I'm a dick.'

'Bullshit. I bet you haven't even told Larry about you flirting with patients,' Polly laughed, 'Have no fear, though. She is absolutely _straight_, despite enjoying the company of a certain female patient. I forget her name.'

'Well, her first name is "fuck you" and her last is "shut the fuck up".'

'Wow, I can already tell she's a charmer.'

They fell into mischievous snickering after that, and from the corner of her eye Piper could see Pete grinning at the two of them. Larry, on the other hand, had stopped smiling altogether, and was staring at Piper with a mix of concern and anger. By the time they had calmed down, a waitress appeared to take their orders. They agreed to share a plate of nachos with an assortment of dips and melted cheese. Once she was gone, Larry turned to face Piper properly.

Immediately Piper realised she was in trouble. 'What female patient?'

Polly had stopped grinning when she, too, figured out she had gone too far. Possibly out of feeling awkward, Pete decided to just stare at his pint of beer, quiet. Piper laughed once, in an attempt to ease the tension. 'Polly was joking. I don't flirt with patients. And not _female_ ones, either.'

'Okay.' Larry forced a smile. 'You know, I thought being a doctor was about _treating _patients not trying to, I don't know, _hit_ on them.'

'I just said I haven't been flirting. Larry, what's going on?'

'Nothing.'

'I was playing around,' Polly defended, to Piper's relief. 'Piper is really professional at what she does, and I wasn't being serious, Larry.' There was a long pause, and she quickly added, 'Anyway, Piper can't shut up about how excited she is about the wedding.'

This wasn't true. In fact, both Piper and Polly knew she hadn't mentioned the wedding at all. When Larry proposed to her, she had just started her internship. After a week, she had almost forgotten completely she was engaged, and this wasn't something she was happy to admit. 'Are you getting married in a Church?' Pete asked, his eyes darting between the two.

Larry responded. 'At the moment, we're not sure, but probably, yeah.'

'Do you have a dress yet, Piper? Or are you going to do it in your scrubs?'

This made Larry chortle. Piper smiled crookedly. 'I don't know. I might do.' She was pleased Larry found her reply funny as well, but there was still something off in the way he looked at her.

Their nachos arrived, and immediately the two interns dug in, starving. For the past week or so, the only food they were able to consume was hospital food, which wasn't all that tasty. In fact, Piper was certain she had been eating _plastic_. The nachos made her mouth water and she gasped in pleasure, which made Polly laugh at her. Of course Pete was able to understand the humour of it all, but Larry still stood his distance. For the rest of the night, Polly and Piper silently agreed to not discuss work.

Suddenly Piper's pager started beeping. Mouth full of food, she groaned in frustration and removed the pager from her pocket. 'Fuck,' she muttered, accidentally spitting out some nacho in Polly's direction.

'Yeah, fuck to you too,' Polly cringed, managing to dodge several crumbs.

'I have to go.' Piper swallowed, wiped her mouth with the back of her sleeve and quickly kissed Larry's cheek. 'I'll be back home later. Pete, it was nice to meet you.'

'You too,' Pete smiled.

Sharing a short glance at Polly, Piper hurried out of the restaurant and made her way to the hospital.

**.**

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It was grim. Piper's attending swore loudly when the patient couldn't be resuscitated. They had shocked him three times, increasing the voltage with each go, but all was unsuccessful. Piper looked at the fairly young patient one last time before she called time of death and let the nurses take charge. She followed her attending out of the ward, and even though he had been doing this job for several years, he was still phased by death. In a way, Piper found this inspiring: he was still human, and he still felt emotions; still considered others before himself. Yet, in other ways, it was a disaster.

Death was a common friend in the hospital, and, sometimes, the cause had nothing to do with the competence of the doctor. It was simply the patient's time; their hearts were incapable of pumping the blood around their body for much longer; or they just died of natural causes. She had heard about the most gruesome deaths, particularly ones that occurred up in surgery, and she knew, one day, that sort of blood would be on her hands. It was not a time she was looking forward to.

Some doctors called it a right of passage. The day Piper lost a patient she was treating herself, she could finally call herself a proper doctor. It made her sick to her stomach. The attending slammed the deceased patient's chart onto the nurses' desk, and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. His name was Doctor Bennett, and Piper liked him: he was stern at times, but he was kind and had a nice smile. Unlike most attendings, he tended to go easy on the interns. For the most part, at least.

Apparently there was rumour Bennett was having a secret affair with a nurse, but Piper didn't like to stick her nose in gossip that wasn't her business. Obediently, she waited for her attending to recover. It didn't take long. He sighed, and looked up, nodded shortly. 'Thank you for coming in, Chapman. Although it was a waste of time, I suppose,' he exhaled.

Piper just smiled sympathetically.

'How about you check on your patients, while you're here? Try not to do the mistake that I've done and lose one.'

Self-blame was a dangerous trap for doctors, and it was crucial they didn't feel guilty for long. Otherwise, they never pulled through. Piper was a little worried about Bennett, but as he walked away, she was certain he would be all right. Collecting two of her patients' charts, she obeyed her attending's suggestion. Her first patient was asleep, and was stable; there wasn't much to do. She then proceeded onto her next, but when she arrived at her ward, Piper was irritated to discover she wasn't in bed.

Brilliant. Piper scowled, and turned to a nearby nurse, 'Where's my patient?' She demanded, but the nurse simply shrugged and continued her work.

Sighing loudly, Piper started her search. She checked outside where the smokers were, then the waiting room, and finally the cafeteria. Despite her annoyance, Piper was relieved to discover Alex here. She still wore her hospital gown, but with a hoody over the top. The cafeteria was mainly empty; just the odd doctor on his break, and two other patients chatting in the corner. Alex was sipping on a glass of water, her feet up on the chair opposite the table she sat behind.

Piper approached her, 'I've been looking all over for you!'

'Why? Did you miss me?' Alex queried, placing her glass of water down. She held her gaze, and then dropped her feet, pushing the chair back. 'Sit down. Keep me company. It's getting pretty depressing down here.'

'I––' Piper exhaled. 'Alex, I have patients.'

'They're sleeping,' she insisted.

Peering over her shoulder, Piper checked to make sure no attendings were watching. Then, she grabbed the chair and sat down. She raised her gaze to look at Alex, who had returned to idly sipping her water, her attention now on the window. It was already dark, but the lights offered them a small view of outside. Piper was quiet for a moment, and she caught herself watching Alex for longer than was considered appropriate. For some reason, Alex's company held a certain calmness.

It was easy being around her. It wasn't awkward, and there was no pressure to start up a conversation. Alex was cool in a sense that she didn't have to try. She was cool, but edgy; laid back. Or, at least that was what Piper assumed. She didn't know the woman at all, though, except her symptoms. 'Did you have any visitors today?' Piper asked.

'No.' Alex twitched a smile. 'I don't do visitors.'

'Why?'

'Just don't,' Alex replied, raising the glass to her lips.

Piper didn't argue. She raised her brows, gazing at the table. 'I went on a double date with my best friend today. Her new boyfriend seems nice.'

'Sounds like you had an exciting time,' Alex's eyes glinted with humour, and Piper rolled her eyes. 'What happened? You seem blue.'

Inhaling deeply, Piper leaned back against her seat, avoiding her gaze, but not out of timidness. More due to the fact she was lost in thought. There was something haunting, yet peaceful about the hospital at night. 'Sometimes, I think everything around me is crumbling away.' She craned her neck to the side, 'Like, I used to be quite sociable, but now... now, I barely have the chance to even say "hello" to Larry. I haven't called my mum in over a week. Everything's just changing.'

'That means you're doing your job well,' Alex said. Piper smiled softly at her, and she let Alex watch her for a moment, before the raven-haired woman straightened and removed her glasses. There was a redness around her eyes, and dark rings. She looked tired; ill. 'I hate this fucking place.'

'I know. You've been taking your meds, right?'

Alex nodded. 'Do you have any idea how much I'd kill for a sip of vodka?' She rubbed her eyes, and groaned. Piper grinned, and laughed lightly. 'This fucking TB is ruining my life.' Alex grimaced, her hand pressing just above her abdomen. 'No position is comfortable. Fucking stomach ache won't piss off elsewhere.'

'The drugs should have stopped the pain,' Piper said.

'Yeah. They _should_ have.'

'Are you resistant to them?' Piper narrowed her brows. 'Why didn't you say? Alex, that's crucial––'

'Kid, give it up.' Alex exhaled heavily. 'I don't want to talk about this.'

However, Piper was already on her feet, concern written all over her expression. 'I should have known. How could I have missed that?'

'Missed _what_?'

'That the drugs aren't working!'

'They _are_. Ish. I mean, they stop the pain temporarily. Until I start vomiting blood again.'

'_Vomiting_?' Piper felt her anger spike when Alex rolled her eyes, and pressed a hand to her temple in frustration. 'Alex, what the hell? In the chart it said you've been _coughing_ up blood - there's a difference. Fucking _charts_,' Piper ran her hands through her hair, jarring her teeth. 'God, not only am I ruining my engagement, I'm also screwing up on my patients' symptoms.'

The patient said nothing, and it took Piper a moment to realise how unprofessionally she was behaving. She glanced at Alex once, then turned away.

'Doctors do this all the time,' she whispered, more to herself. 'I just–– I just don't want to be one of them.'

'Kid?'

'Yeah?'

'Shut the fuck up.' Piper gaped at her, but Alex quickly cut her off, 'I gave up giving a shit about my health ages ago, so go rant somewhere else, but not with me. I came here because it's quiet, and because my ward stinks of piss.'

Piper softened her expression and fidgeted. 'You may not care about your health,' she said softly. 'But I do.'

'Because it's your job.'

'No, I _do_.' Piper returned to her seat, looking helpless. She didn't know this woman at all, but she liked her. She liked Alex enough in order to care about her. 'I just wish you'd told me sooner that you weren't feeling any better. Alex, that's all I'm asking for: your cooperation.'

There wasn't a reply, but Piper knew Alex had agreed, even if it was reluctant. Piper hated the lack of enthusiasm in Alex's eyes, though. It sent a shiver down her spine, and she suddenly felt desperate to help her. She had read Alex's medical history last night, and discovered this woman had been going into the hospital since she was five years old. The first time was due to asthma attacks, even minor heart problems, until, finally, the tuberculosis which was messy from the start.

Piper leaned forwards, 'I lost a patient today. Well, he wasn't _my_ patient, but I was shadowing my attending with the patient's treatments.' She paused, swallowed, and shuffled closer, 'Alex, I'm not going to lose you. You're not going to be the first patient I lose. You _won't_ be.'

'You can't force me to take my meds, kid.'

Something snapped. Piper wasn't sure what made her so upset and angry. Tears stung her eyes, and she nearly toppled the table over in fury. She was exhausted, so fucking exhausted, and she was sick of Larry, her patients, and she was sick of the lack of cooperation. Maybe she was naïve –– no, Piper _was_ naïve –– but she at least expected her patients to _want_ to get better. To hear Alex imply she wasn't willing to get healthy again pissed Piper off. Made her shake with rage.

Yes, _yes_, Alex had been through shit as a child. This hospital might as well be her second home, _but that was no excuse_. 'I know I tend to have the god-complex problem, but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of understanding where you're coming from. Why won't you let me help you? Is–– is it because I'm an intern? Because if that bothers you, I'll have my attending treat you.'

'It's got nothing to do with you,' Alex replied, tone lifeless.

She wasn't bothered by Piper's reaction. She didn't care. 'Alex, _please_. Stop being such an ass–– _a-hole_, and let me help you.'

'An ass a-hole, eh?' Alex cocked a brow.

'Fuck's sake.' Piper ran her hands down her face. 'I can treat you. You've _got_ to believe me. You can call me "kid" and criticise the way I doctor people, but just give me a chance, at least. Just have a little hope –– for me.' Piper sighed, 'For me, have some hope.'

The way Alex watched her made Piper look away in embarrassment. The lifelessness in her eyes disappeared somewhat, and she offered a small smile. Piper leaned back in her seat again, watching the table. She had never felt so determined to help a patient; _never_, and this was usually –– if not, always –– because she didn't have the energy. With Alex, though, Piper _had_ to convince her. She was one of her very first patients, one of her very first _severe_ patients, and she had to do well.

Yet, in the back of her mind, she knew there was something else too.

Piper quickly shook that thought off.

'Don't you think you should head back to the fiancé?'

Yes. Piper should head back; Larry was probably expecting her. 'I'm not going anywhere until you promise to let me treat you.'

'You're a stubborn one,' Alex squinted. 'I like that in a woman.'

Piper rolled her eyes playfully. 'Who _are_ you? Seriously. Do you live near here?'

A shrug. 'Here and there. Wherever suits me best. Depends on my mood.'

She laughed a little. 'Okay. What about family?'

'I had a mum.'

_Had_. Piper's smile fell. 'Sorry...'

'It happened about four years ago. No point apologising, kid. And yourself?'

'A mum, dad. Brother, as well.'

'The whole thing,' Alex sipped her water. 'Good for you.' There was a hint of envy in her tone, almost close to loathing, but Piper overlooked that. She had a hunch why Alex felt such a way towards Piper's complete family, although, really, it wasn't complete at all. 'I'll let you treat me. But, if the meds don't work, you've got to let me leave. Even if it's against medical advice.'

Piper took this harshly. She curled her lower lip, then shook her head. 'Fine. That won't happen, though.'

'You should toddle off.'

The blonde glanced at the clock on the wall. She hesitated, and then looked at Alex. There was a ghost of a smile on her lips as she finished her glass of water. Piper slumped her shoulders when the slightly older woman stood up and walked past the table. She was expecting her to leave, but was slightly caught by surprise when Alex leaned over and brushed over a loose strand of hair from Piper's face.

'That was bothering me.' She grinned crookedly. 'Good night, kid.'

'Good night,' Piper replied, her voice barely a whisper. She frowned to herself, and faced forwards, staring at Alex's empty glass. Although the gesture was small, Piper felt a little chill when Alex touched her. She couldn't quite pinpoint what it was. Whether it was the fact Alex was confident enough to arrange her hair, or how she looked at her, those green eyes suddenly electrifying and filled with mystery that Piper couldn't decipher. Or, maybe it was the closeness, how she could feel Alex's warm breath tickle her cheek.

Or, maybe Piper was just stupid.

Piper shuddered, but not because of the cold.

By the time she was home, the lights were off, and there was a small note left on the table:

_Waited for you. Guess work stole our night again. Maybe another time?  
>See you in the morning.<br>_–– _Larry._

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	4. The Good Doctor

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'Hungry much?'

After finishing her plate of breakfast (which consisted of bacon, eggs and baked beans), Piper sighed in content, slipping down her seat. The last time she ate something so good was months ago. It was moments like these when she really appreciated Larry for sticking around. Just to emphasise how satisfied she was, Piper rubbed her tummy, smiling wide. 'If you make breakfast for me like that every morning, I'll honestly just quit my job.'

Placing aside his knife, Larry smirked. 'As much as I want you to be here more, I'm not going to let you walk out on your internship. Especially when you're doing so well.' The compliment made Piper's heart flutter slightly, but she wasn't sure if she was flattered or nervous. It cost a lot in order to do well as an intern, and, currently, Piper wasn't sure _what_ she had cost. For the moment, nothing important, considering Larry was still happy to eat breakfast with her.

'By the way,' she dropped her gaze momentarily, 'I have a day off soon.'

'I know. How could I forget?' Larry was already grinning, eating one more fork full of baked beans. 'Got any plans?'

'Do we?' Piper rose in her seat, hoping Larry might have some sort of surprise in mind. She loved surprises, and Larry was particularly good at them. Her smile broadened when she recognised a certain glint in his eyes. Yes, he had plans, for sure.

Larry tapped his nose. 'Who knows?'

It was a good enough answer. Piper instantly started guessing, 'Are we going to a fancy restaurant?'

'Maybe. And maybe much more.'

'Oh, how about a hotel? Wait! A hotel that has a swimming pool. But it has a swimming pool, _inside a swimming pool_. With our own maid. Who gives us shit when we want it. And a bed. I'd like a bed, but a big one, so I'm not squashed up against the wall.'

'That was _once_. Plus, we had been driving for hours and needed to rest somewhere. It wasn't my fault the hotel was one-star.' Larry raised a brow. 'Anyway, you weren't complaining at the time.'

'I'll be complaining _this time_, though.' They shared a smile. 'You promise you really _do_ have plans? You're not just making this up as you go along, right?'

'I thought those were the best trips.'

'Perhaps. But no one-star hotels, okay?'

'Okay.'

'And I want breakfast in bed, too.'

Larry snorted. 'I'll see that can be arranged as well, Your Highness––' The man was cut off when Piper's pager went off again. 'Fucking Hell, do they ever leave you alone?'

'Sorry,' Piper winced, checking her pager. When she read the small alert, Piper widened her eyes and shot to her feet. Larry followed suit, frowning at her as Piper hurried to grab her coat.

'Hey, wait! What's going on?'

'It's Alex!' Piper said, rushing for the door.

Larry stopped. 'Who?'

'Alex. My patient.' Before Larry could ask anymore, Piper was gone.

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The moment she entered the hospital, a fellow intern passed her, scowling. 'Where the fuck have you been? Doctor Healy's gonna brain you.' Cursing loudly, Piper barged past him, heart in her mouth. She shouldn't be scolded. It wasn't technically her shift yet, and she had got here as fast as she could. But the fucking traffic was horrific this morning. Her pager went off again, but she didn't pick it up. She was already at Alex's ward.

Breathing heavily, she pushed past a nurse who was busy taking away a few bloody sheets. Piper barely had a moment to look at Alex, before Healy yelled at her. He was red in the face, angry, and exhausted. He asked where she was, why she didn't come earlier. That, if she intended to become an attending, she needed to be by her patient's side the moment they started showing severe symptoms.

Finally Piper could see the damage. Alex was either uninterested with the scene unfolding before her, or she was half conscious. A bucket sat on her lap, and she weakly wiped away a little blood from her lips. The stench of iron wafted the ward, and Piper felt her insides tighten. Healy had lost interest in Piper, and returned to helping his patient.

Alex had been vomiting blood. A lot of it. She was pale, horribly pale, like a ghost. Her glasses were off, and her eyelids were heavy; she could barely stay awake. Healy said something to Piper, but the blonde couldn't hear him. All she could do was stare at Alex. What she saw was her own fault. She hadn't done her job right. Alex was sick because of her. Because she was a shitty doctor, someone who spent far too much time doting her fiancé instead of helping the patients who actually needed her.

_I paged you more than ten times. Where were you?_  
><em>You do realise if I didn't get here before you, we'd have a serious case on our hands.<em>  
><em>This is why I hate interns.<em>  
><em>Why were you late? Sleep in? Chapman, you've been doing this job for a few months now. Surely you haven't started sleeping in already.<em>  
><em>This isn't like you, doctor. I thought you were good at this.<em>  
><em>Are you up for being an intern? Oi, I'm talking to you!<em>

'Sir.' Piper looked at him. She slumped her shoulders. 'The traffic was bad, sir.'

'Really?' Healy was sarcastic at first, but then his expression softened. 'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse.'

'I know.'

'If it happens again, I'm going to have to give Miss Vause another doctor. Someone who doesn't get stuck in traffic.'

This startled her. At first, Piper thought she was only hurt because her pride had been damaged. When a patient was removed from a doctor's service, it was one of the worst things that could happen. However, it wasn't necessarily her pride that had been wounded. Piper looked at Alex again, and her heart skipped a beat when she realised Alex was watching her from the corner of her eye. There was nothing in her expression.

'Please don't do that, sir,' Piper said, facing Healy again.

Healy sighed. Checked the heart monitor, then turned to Piper. 'I won't. I don't want to. If it happens again, though, I'll have no choice.'

A sigh of relief escaped her lips, which didn't go unnoticed by her senior. Piper turned away while Healy focussed his attention on Alex again, asking a couple of questions, checking her symptoms, making sure she was stable. It was a good opportunity for Piper to recover. She needed to catch her breath, needed to slow down her heart. She was already sweating a little, panicking way too much.

It was disturbing witnessing Alex like this. She always appeared well; she never seemed ill. Piper foolishly believed she would be out of the hospital in the next few days, but, right now, it certainly didn't seem that way. Alex was sick. Very sick. The drugs weren't working; her body was resistant to them. This only meant Alex would get progressively worse if Piper and her attending didn't think of something quick.

There were multiple alternative treatments. Piper just hoped they would fucking work.

Healy stepped away from Alex, took the bucket from her, and made his way over to Piper. 'She's stable, but needs rest,' he said quietly. 'Keep a good eye on her, Chapman. Don't let me down again.'

A brief nod. Piper waited until Healy was gone, before she swivelled on her heel to look at her patient. The heart monitor filled the silence for a while. Alex wasn't looking at her; she seemed resigned, but her eyes were open. She was gazing out of the window, and Piper discovered a hint of defeat in her expression. Apparently, Piper wasn't the only one who felt humiliated this morning. Who knew Alex held a lot of pride herself?

This eased the tension building in Piper's body. Slightly. Piper stepped forwards, grabbed the chart and read what Healy had written. Alex didn't move, said nothing. Placing the chart down, Piper looked at her, tried to adjust her expression so she didn't look so glum. But Alex's misery affected Piper in ways she didn't think possible.

'I'm sorry,' Piper says gently.

Alex meets her gaze. 'Clearly.'

'There was traffic,' Piper started, then exhaled. 'I––' She jarred her teeth. 'If I'd have known––'

'Forget it,' Alex grimaced when she struggled to sit upright. Immediately Piper hurried over and tried to help the woman, but Alex shrugged her off. 'Kid, I can do it, all right? Back off.'

It was sharp. Piper flinched, as if Alex had slapped her. Feeling awkward, Piper remained put, hands at her side. Of course Alex managed, but her attempts to act as if nothing had happened didn't work on Piper. She wasn't fooled. She knew exactly what Alex was playing at. 'You should sleep. Rest. You need to get better; if you stay awake, you'll––'

'_Piper_.' Alex's expression hardened, and her glare was fierce. It made Piper flinch again, but this time the doctor felt wounded. Insulted, but she didn't have it in her to defend herself. The older woman regretted her tone, relaxed, eased herself. 'I know the drill. This has happened to me before, and I will rest when I want to.'

'You should listen to me.'

'I do. And it's fucking annoying sometimes.'

This caused Piper to grind her teeth in irritation. 'I'm your _doctor_. I know your disease like the back of my hand; I've treated it before.' Alex cocked a brow, questioning that statement. Piper rolled her eyes. 'Fine. I've _read_ about the treatments made for TB.'

'So, I'm your first?'

'That doesn't mean I can't do this.' Alex winced suddenly, pressing a hand to her stomach. For a moment, Piper just watched her. Then she proceeded around the bed and pushed more morphine into Alex's bloodstream. 'I swear to God, if you don't rest soon I'll––' Now the anger was beginning to spike, 'Alex, I'll kill you myself.'

A chuckle. It was friendly, and Piper had to smile at her result. She had to smile at Alex for still clinging onto a little positivity, despite the situation. 'I think that'd be far more pleasant than what I have right now.'

'_Painfully_, then, and _slowly_.'

'Sounds kinky.'

Piper pulled a face. 'You're crazy.'

'Oh. You got me.'

The mood didn't last long, which Piper expected. Alex could try and pretend to feel better, but she had just coughed up blood. Her stomach was cramping up, and no doubt she had a headache. The smile fell, and Alex sighed again, her head falling back against the pillow. Piper picked up the glass of water on her bedside table and passed it over. 'Drink. You'll get dehydrated if you don't. Crazy.'

'No shit,' Alex took the glass. 'Did they teach you that in med school?'

'Yeah. They also taught me on how to deal with psychopathic, TB drug dealers.'

Alex smiled crookedly. 'You remembered my career, eh?'

'It was funny. Really. Don't joke about that to another doctor, though, or you'll be strapped to a bed next.'

If Piper hadn't been watching her so closely, she wouldn't have spotted a wave of guilt pass her eyes. Piper looked away, decided to ignore that. Placing the stethoscope to her ears, she listened to Alex's heartbeat. It was a little faster than normal, and she quickly glanced at her face. The guilt was gone, and in replacement was a softness, a kindness she couldn't grasp. Alex was watching her in a way which made Piper feel hot and warm simultaneously; made her shudder a little, made her smile.

Stepping back, she felt dizzy, unsure on her feet. Piper stuffed the stethoscope into her pocket. 'I have another patient.' It was awkward, but okay. It was okay. Piper took another step back towards the door. She smiled again. Alex watched her with amusement, her eyes taking in every twitch, every nervous fidget. 'I have to go.'

'Then go,' Alex smirked.

'I'm going.'

'Really?'

'Yeah.' Piper rolled her eyes, but couldn't force back the grin. 'Stop staring at me.'

Alex didn't respond, but she obediently looked away, sniggering. It was a sight Piper appreciated, something she would hold onto. She managed to make a patient laugh. It wasn't much, but it was something. It was enough to lift her spirits, keep her going.

Yet as soon as she left, Alex's smile faded and she stopped pretending. She groaned, adjusting her position to feel more comfortable. Everything was such a pain, such a hassle. Alex couldn't sit upright for much longer. She lay back, stared up at the ceiling, and decided to obey her doctor's advice for once. Closing her eyes, Alex attempted to sleep, ignoring the burning sensation spreading in her stomach and up her throat.

For several hours, she dozed, dreamed lazily. But every few minutes, she kept waking up, kept gazing out of the window. Kept feeling the need to vomit, to cough and splutter. She heard footsteps outside her ward, other patients making horrible retching noises, doctors running past at the sound of a code. Alex hated hospitals. She _loathed_ them.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Nothing looked appetising. Piper had spent so long dealing with a young child who continuously screamed and vomited. The child wouldn't stop crying, no matter what was done. Yes, the vomiting was disgusting, but Piper was admittedly affected by the child himself. His parents were in hysterics, demanding answers from the intern, but Piper didn't know much in so little time. Children were a challenge to treat –– they rarely talked, they rarely knew how to describe their symptoms, so it was mainly guesswork.

After a while, the child began to calm down. Piper had to hold him in a certain position; he liked it when his head was balanced by her hand, and when she rocked him against her chest. It was this angle which soothed him, and was a huge sign in identifying what was wrong. Piper was able to diagnose him after that, and her attending was impressed with the treatment she came up with. Surgery was needed, but as soon as that was done, the child must be taken back to the medical unit again.

Healy confirmed this child was now another of Piper's patients. In a way, she was pleased by this, but also a little unnerved. Piper didn't like treating children, because they were so young. Too young to be ill, and she hoped this child would pull through. He _should_ pull through, but Piper didn't promise his parents a fully recovery. She only promised to do everything she could, and it was enough. For now, it was enough to stop the child's mother from crying, and enough for the father to look her in the eye.

Piper was tempted to skip lunch. The salad wasn't crunchy, and the bread didn't taste nice either. She nearly jumped up in her seat when Doctor Bennett approached. 'Good news, Chapman. Doctor Healy wanted you to see the new treatment we've prescribed for Miss Vause.' He passed over a folder. 'Apparently, you two seem to get along well. I think Miss Vause will be more lenient to take the medicine if you give it to her.'

'Thank you,' Piper smiled, and her attending returned to his job. Sitting down, Piper opened the folder and briefly skimmed through the report. Technically, she should have helped think of a treatment, but Healy insisted otherwise. She wasn't sure if he felt bad for scolding her this morning, or just wanted to do it himself.

Why she was so happy to know Alex may get better was a mystery. Always, Piper was pleased when a patient got better, but –– like with the child –– Piper held Alex at a different level. She was a patient Piper valued. Piper had read her charts, her medical history and everything else she needed to know concerning Alex. Heck, she could recite everything medical about Alex if she had to. No one in this hospital was as thorough about Alex Vause as Piper was, and she liked to believe that was simply because she was a good doctor.

Leaving her lunch, Piper didn't waste any time to reach Alex's ward. Before Alex had time to to see her, Piper was already talking, 'Guess what? We've got your new treatment! This one will work. There's no reason why you should be resistant to these drugs––' Piper cut herself off when she saw the way Alex was looking at her. She smiled slightly, but there was doubt in her eyes; she was only smiling because of Piper's enthusiasm. It was nearly close to sympathy. Piper swallowed, stiffened her shoulders. 'Please take the drugs.'

'I will,' Alex replied. 'You need to settle down, though. Patients are sleeping. You probably woke them up.'

'This isn't a joke,' Piper insisted, stepping further into the room. 'This is _serious_.'

'I know,' Alex nodded. 'Thanks, kid.'

It was the first "thanks" Piper had received in weeks. 'You're welcome.'

Suddenly Piper's pager went off. Alex's smile fell slightly. Piper looked at her, tried to think of something to say, then turned on her heel and left. Once again, Alex was on her own. She returned to her reading, blocking out the noises from outside the ward, distracting herself from the pain coming and going inside her stomach.

Piper's excitement was cute. Sweet. But she was young, terribly naïve. It sometimes wasn't necessary for interns to wear a different shade of scrubs from the attendings. Sometimes, it was just so obvious when the doctors were inexperienced, when they hadn't seen death, when they hadn't screwed up. And it was fucking miserable.

It was fucking miserable watching those same sweet, cute interns die away slowly inside. Alex didn't hate hospitals for the smell, and fear of never coming out again. She hated hospitals because it fucked up the nurses and doctors. It fucked up whoever stepped through those doors. Alex had been trapped in this building long enough to know this; she had observed plenty, too much. She wanted to go home.

Suddenly a massive card was shoved into her face.

'Hey, fucker.'

Alex lowered her book. Took the oversized card. 'How were you able to afford this?'

Her friend, Nicky, pulled a face at her. 'With money. Which I earned. From my fucking job.'

'Scrubbing toilets?' Alex smiled crookedly. 'I actually meant, how can you afford a card this size when you spend all your dosh on drugs?'

'I don't know. How can you afford going abroad all the time, when you're spending your weight in hospital expenses?'

'Expenses? That's a posh word for you.'

'I know. Turns out scrubbing toilets is doing good for my education too.' Nicky dragged a chair over to sit beside Alex's bed. 'You gonna open that fucking card or what?'

'Sorry. Just in awe that you're still breathing.'

'Fuck off,' Nicky grinned.

Alex admired the large words on the front of her card: "Get well soon!", before opening it. Inside were a variety of signatures, and even a few notes left by a couple of people. Nicky's message was slap bang in the centre, in bright pink. Alex gave her a look. 'Really?'

'I thought it was a cheery colour. Keep you in good spirits and all.'

'Careful. Your hetero side is starting to show.'

'Hey, you wanna see the other messages? I was hoping we could do this quickly before I have to go, so we'll have time to yank that stick out of your ass.'

'Don't worry. The doctors can do that.'

'Like that blonde chick? Does she _still_ come in and check on you?'

Alex lowered the card. 'Well, considering she _is_ my doctor and _has_ to check up on me –– yeah, she does.'

'Red says the ghetto is less civilised without you.'

A snort. 'That's because I'm not there to keep you in control.'

'You did a good job at that. Just so you know.'

Sarcasm. Alex grinned and returned to reading her card. There was some illegible writing in one corner, and she recognised it as Lorna's, who Nicky secretly had a thing for. Or, not so secretly considering Alex called out on it before Nicky even realised her feelings. A few more names were scrawled onto the card, and they were all people Alex had come to know fairly well. The "ghetto" was much grander than the name implied.

Each individual there was either on drugs, or a recovering addict. Nicky tended to switch between the two. The place was a rehab or sorts, although it tended to possess less emphasis on the _rehab_. Red, the Russian woman in charge, gave the girls food, water, a place to stay, and kept them each in line. Over the years, Red and Nicky had formed a mother/daughter bond, but Alex wasn't as close. Alex had her own place. One of many places.

Alex's home was equally as grand, two storeys high. Inside was luxury. Her job as a drug importer was dangerous and obviously illegal, but it all paid off. Literally. Thanks to her career, Alex no longer had to rely on her mother's savings while she was alive in order to have medical insurance. She could afford it with the hundreds and hundreds of money her boss stashed into her bank account every time she delivered an order.

Yet, her poor immune system and sick health cut her paycheques. Her boss was aware of her illness when she applied for the job. Miraculously, Alex still managed to earn herself quite the reputation as a skilled and efficient international drug importer. A lot of people turned to her when they wanted something trafficked across the sea. Currently, Alex was still at the top of her game, but things were beginning to slow. Her boss hadn't contacted her in over a week. When things got rough for Alex, he tended to avoid her like the plague. The TB was stopping Alex from working.

The girls in the "ghetto" were either customers, or just friends. People Alex found a common interest with. They knew about her career, but kept hush hush about it. As far as they were concerned, being a drug importer was nothing criminal. She was just working her way through life; surviving.

'How you been, man?' Nicky asked when Alex finished reading her card.

Alex offered a small smile. 'I've been better.'

'Yeah. You're telling me. You look rough. You don't think some cocaine might ease the pain a little?'

'Sure. I'll just ask my doctor.'

'Some doctor.' Nicky rolled her eyes. 'I thought doctors treated people, not spend their hours drinking coffee.' Alex frowned, so Nicky added, 'Couple of doctors out there, slurping away. Fat asses too.'

'I forget sometimes why people hate you. But I just remembered.'

'Where's _your_ doctor?' Nicky queried, peering over her shoulder as if expecting Piper to suddenly appear.

'Treating other patients, probably,' Alex replied. She placed her oversized card to the side. 'She can't seem to give herself a rest. Always rushing around everywhere.'

'Pft. Sounds like a typical intern. They're hilarious.' Nicky slumped back in her seat. 'Any hot nurses come visit you?'

'I was too busy dying to notice.'

'You need to come out again, Vause. The nights are boring without you.'

'Aw,' Alex mocked, earning a light punch to the arm.

Just as Nicky did this, they heard frantic footsteps coming towards the ward. Nicky raised her brows when Piper showed herself. The doctor stopped short when she saw the crazy-haired woman sitting beside Alex's bed, and she didn't appreciate the smile curving over Nicky's lips.

'Good morning,' Piper said, brushing past Nicky towards Alex's IV bag.

'Afternoon,' Nicky corrected.

'Good _afternoon_,' Piper responded, trying her best to remain calm.

Nicky glanced at Alex, then back at her. 'How old are you? Three?'

'And a half.'

'She's snarky, this one,' Nicky said, turning to Alex again. 'Your favourite type.'

Piper glanced up from what she was doing. Alex stared at Nicky. Hard. 'Watch it, Nichols. Let the doctor do her work.'

'Or lack, thereof.'

When Piper sighed heavily, loud enough for both women to turn their attention to her, she felt the tips of her cheeks redden. She didn't like the way Nicky was grinning at her, and she didn't like Alex watching her _in general_. Piper blinked, looked at Nicky. 'I don't think you can criticise me, when you were in here not long ago because of drugs.'

'Well, I _am_ criticising you, doll. What you gonna do about it? Stick an IV drip into my wrist, force pills down my throat? Knock me into a coma?'

'I wouldn't mind doing that, to be honest,' Piper muttered.

'Ask Vause to do that. She can put you into a coma all right. A long, sex-burning coma that lasts for days. What happened to that chick you pulled a few months ago? She was still unconscious the following afternoon.'

Piper blushed harder, and she nearly smiled. This conversation was just bizarre. Alex, on the other hand, was not blushing. Or smiling. 'Do you need to be here? Or are you just going to embarrass yourself even more?'

'Wow. I feel so welcome.' Nicky stood to her feet. 'Oi, Blondie. If you kill Vause, I'll come back to kill you.' A long pause. Piper stared at her. Then, abruptly, Nicky laughed. 'Interns. I love 'em.' Offering a mock wave in Alex's direction, Nicky turned on her heel and exited the ward. Piper ignored the knot twist in her stomach, and she ignored the wave of envy rushing through her. She knew Alex and Nicky weren't together, and she knew she had absolutely no right to feel this way.

Whatever this stupid feeling was.

She rolled her eyes. Nearly slapped herself. What the fuck was wrong with her?

Now there were less distractions, Piper was able to do her job. After checking on Alex's symptoms, and going over the usual routine to make sure no more attacks were going to occur, she put two bottles of tablets onto Alex's table. 'Here. These should do the trick. A nurse will come by three times a day with your meals and your pills –– take them while you eat.' She deposited the bottles into her pocket. 'And no matter what your girlfriend says, don't take more than one at a time.'

Alex raised her brows, 'Girlfriend?'

'Yeah.' Piper took her chart, walked past the bed.

'_Girlfriend_?' Alex smiled slowly, 'You think she's my girlfriend?' Piper shrugged, avoiding her gaze. This only made Alex's smile broaden. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She scribbled something onto the chart. Still didn't look at her. 'Nothing. Never mind.'

'No, what do you mean––?'

'I said "nothing"! I said "never mind",' Piper insisted, her voice unusually high-pitched. Looking at Alex was a mistake. She _hated_ the grin, the knowing look in her eyes, the amusement. This was just a fun game to her. She was enjoying herself.

She was enjoying herself _too_ much.

Piper scowled. Returned to the chart.

'What, do you expect me to wait until you drop everything and come crawling to me?'

That was too far. Piper scoffed, looking at her again. 'Crawling to you?'

'Yeah.'

A dead-pan look. Piper's voice hardened. 'As in, get together with you?' She snorted. 'Are you kidding me?' Lowering the chart, Piper slammed it back onto the end of the bed. 'I'm engaged.'

'_Right_.'

'You know what?' Piper began to approach the door, but stopped herself from leaving. For some reason, she was shaking a little. Probably because Alex was pissing her off, or because Alex was looking at her in a way Piper didn't approve of, or maybe because Alex was a fucking pain in the ass. 'Maybe. Just _maybe_ we will be friends. Maybe.'

'Friends?' Alex cocked a brow. 'We would be awful friends, kid. Plus, I'm pretty sure it's a bad idea for doctors to befriend their patients. All of that sensitivity crap, you know?'

'No, I don't,' Piper snapped.

'Think about it: you have to treat me. If I die, or if something bad happens to me, that is on you. If we're friends, though, you have to go through a lot more pain. So, consider _that_ before suggesting we may be friends. God forbid.'

'I can be a very good friend!' Piper retorted, 'For the record, I don't care about you that much anyway.'

'Oh. Right. My mistake.'

'Wipe that smirk off your face.'

'Why?'

'Because it makes me feel uncomfortable.'

Alex did allow her smile to fall slightly, but it was still there, and it made Piper grind her teeth together. They watched each other in silence for nearly a whole minute, before Piper decided this was just stupid. Let Alex be a horse's ass and taunt her. So what? Piper was the doctor. She was the one in charge. Alex was a patient, and if that wounded her pride and made her feel like shit, then so be it.

But that did _not_ mean Piper had to deal with her crap.

'Have fun lying in bed. For the day. The whole day.'

'I will. I'll think of you when things get boring.'

Piper stopped. Gave her a look. Ignored Alex's smirk. 'Fuck you.'

'So professional.'

'I'm the best doctor you'll ever have.' Piper grabbed the door handle, turned to her sharply. 'So think about _that_ when you get bored.'

Afterwards, Piper yanked open the door and made a quick escape before Alex could let a word in. And even if she knew Alex was still smirking when she left, Piper couldn't help but feel a little lighter on her feet.

**.**

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**author's note**: Hi. Good news for some –– I've finished _White_, which means this story is my first priority now. And I have _so many_ ideas, I'm pretty damn excited about it. A huge thank you for all the reviews I received on the last chapter. Receiving so much feedback is bloody amazing, and always leaves me speechless. However, I have a couple of reviews which, while they mean well, do rub me the wrong way slightly. I'm flattered you feel so enthusiastic about this story, but please do refrain on suggesting what should happen. Don't take this badly. I don't want to cause problems, but I'm the type of writer who likes to work alone. Everything I come up with I try to make as original as possible, and I'm extremely reluctant to share and discuss my ideas with anyone. If you have _assumptions_ on what's going to happen, then I'm happy to hear them. But I don't want _suggestions_. There is a fine line between the two. However, _again_, your enthusiasm blows my mind. Thank you for offering so much support, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter.


	5. While We Wait

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Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>5.<strong>

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**.**

By eight in the morning, Piper knew this was going to be a bad day. Her attending, Doctor Healy, was too unwell to come in, so most patients were to be treated independently. If Piper really required medical guidance, she could ask Doctor Bennett for help, but she decided to take this opportunity. Piper was already a decent doctor. Today, she could show just how _decent_ she was, but after an hour into her shift, she knew things were not going the way she planned.

Tom, her child patient, was getting increasingly worse. Fortunately, the parents weren't in at the time he was complaining of chest pains and writhing around in agony. Sweat formed across his forehead, and he was red in the face, crying so loud all the other children were disturbed. The attending paediatrician was too busy with other patients and, to be honest, Piper should be able to handle Tom. Clearly her previous diagnosis was incorrect, so she had to try again. That was what it was like being a doctor. Trial and error. Every day was a mystery, a surprise. But as much as Piper liked surprises, she wasn't fond of the surprises which always meant bad news.

After going through every procedure required in order to discover what was wrong with the child, Piper still came to the same conclusion. She told the nurse to get a different type of medicine, though. One she hoped would attack the illness and fast. Piper also strengthened the morphine, but only slightly. For now, this did the trick and Tom was asleep in no time.

The moment this occurred, though, Piper's pager went off. One of her other patients was coding.

**.**

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**.**

'Clear!' She exclaimed, pressing the defibrillators onto the patient's chest. The shock caused her patient to jump up, but there was no signs of life. She ordered the nurse to higher the voltage, '... Clear!' Another shock to the chest. Nothing. Piper looked at the heart monitor. The line was flat. 'Don't do this to me,' she whispered under her breath. She requested a higher voltage again, to which the nurse complied. 'Clear!'

Nothing.

Her fellow intern sighed, looking at her. 'Chapman, he's gone.'

And the first emotion Piper felt was anger. Fury. 'Fuck,' she whispered, slamming down the defibrillators. '_Fuck_.' She wasn't even two hours into her shift and she had already lost a patient. The nurse standing behind wisely stepped away to let the doctor rage, but Piper was done. 'Time of death: 0718. Fuck.' Her pager suddenly started beeping. '_Fuck_.' Piper left the ward, glanced at her pager. It was Tom. And he, too, had started coding.

The anger vanished immediately.

Now, she felt fear. Dread.

Piper had never ran so fast in her life. She zoomed down the hallway, accidentally barging past a nurse, and entered the paediatric ward. Already nurses were pouring into the room, the defibrillators ready. Piper was more than relieved to spot Polly was already on the scene. They didn't exchange pleasantries. As soon as Polly had the child prepared, Piper grabbed the defibrillators, set it to a minimum charge, and shocked the child. He jumped up, and his heart rhythm returned momentarily.

Then he was down again.

'Page Doctor Bennett.'

'Piper, he's––'

'Just do it!' Piper yelled, causing Polly to flinch a little. The blonde instantly regretted her tone but didn't have time to apologise. While Polly paged their attending, Piper shocked Tom once more, 'Harper, you need to perform CPR!'

Polly glared. 'I'm _fucking_ paging Bennett!' She dropped her pager, and began to apply pressure to Tom's chest. One, two, three––

'Clear!'

_One, two, three_––

'Clear!'

Suddenly Tom opened his eyes, inhaled deeply. Piper whipped her head around to look at the heart monitor. Normal rhythm. Everything was fine. She returned the defibrillators, sighed in relief. Polly was still angry about the way Piper spoke to her, but she, too, was happy Tom had come back. Tom stared at the two doctors, eyes wide, and then weakly asked for his mummy.

Polly was about to reply when Doctor Bennett came rushing in. He glanced between the two, and then at the boy. 'You got it handled, then.'

'Yes, sir,' Piper said, nearly wincing. It was silly of her to page Bennett, especially when she managed to resuscitate the child. However, Bennett wasn't like Healy. He understood her panic.

Nodding, he glanced at Piper. 'Good job. Make sure that's the last time this happens to him.' He patted her shoulder once, before heading out of the ward. Piper looked over at Polly.

They were silent for a brief time.

_Beep, beep, beep_.

Polly's expression softened when Piper's pager went off.

'Oh, God.' Piper was gone in a flash. This time, it wasn't a code, but it was still serious. Before she even arrived at Alex's ward, she could hear retching, coughing, and the strong stench of blood. 'Oh, _God_.' Piper hurried to the bed, glanced at the nurse who was busy holding the bucket. Piper didn't mean to snap, she didn't mean to abuse the nurse's position, she didn't mean to be an awful doctor.

But she snapped. Yelled.

'How the hell are you helping just by holding the bucket?!' Piper ordered the appropriate medicine, and the nurse obeyed her orders, albeit grudgingly. Piper looked at Alex, who, for a second, looked like she had stopped coughing up blood. She inhaled and caught Piper's gaze. 'This shouldn't be happening,' Piper murmured, wiping away a little blood from the corner of Alex's lips. She knew a snarky comment was going to come, she could see that glimmer in Alex's eyes, despite the fact she was coughing up blood.

Before she even got a word in, though, Alex was coughing again. It was a horrible sound, and all Piper could do was rub her back, wait. Alex tightened her grip on the bucket, threw up. Piper winced. Looked away. Then, finally, Alex fell back against the pillow. For a moment, Piper was terrified she would start coding. But the worst seemed to have passed. Piper ordered the nurse away, finished with heightening Alex's doses of medicine into her bloodstream. She exhaled, ran her hands through her hair.

It ticked eight o' clock.

'Good morning,' Alex croaked.

'Don't.' Piper shook her head. 'Don't waste your energy on trying to sound smart.'

Alex frowned weakly. 'I said "good morning".'

'Exactly.'

Not to Piper's surprise, Alex didn't have the energy to argue. Piper took the bucket and allowed her patient to rest. As she reached the door, she turned back, watched Alex for a short moment, just to make sure she was all right, before leaving. It was when she passed the bucket to a nurse did Piper realise how fast her heart was beating.

Leaning against a desk, Piper caught her breath. She was shaking all over, and was suddenly so scared her pager would go off. It didn't, though. Everything was going to be all right.

There was no time to sit around. Piper needed to figure out how to treat Tom, and, when there was time, check on Alex. Make sure the new medication was working. She cursed bitterly under her breath, because the new medicine should have made a difference already. Why was Alex coughing up blood? She glanced at the ward the other woman was in. She wanted to talk to her, wanted to hear Alex get all witty and smug again, but Alex needed her rest. She needed to heal and recover. Get back home.

But it made a difference. Not having her to talk to. While Piper continued her day with each patient, there was a strange emptiness to it. Sometimes, she even double checked her pager, just to make sure Alex wasn't coding, or if there wasn't an emergency from her. Any excuse to see the dark-haired woman again, just to see that smirk, to hear her speak in that husky, comforting voice; to just see her reading again. Back into doing her normal activities. Alex resting didn't look right.

It wasn't right.

Piper sighed sadly while she went over her charts at the nurse's station. Doctor Bennett was working beside her, and he looked up when he heard her sigh. Piper didn't try to hide the glum expression on her face. 'Rough day?'

'Yeah,' the intern replied.

'Normal day, then.'

She smiled shortly. Looked at him. 'How do you do it? Keep going when you know none of these people deserve what's happening to them.' Bennett frowned. 'I'm treating a child and he–– You saw him, actually. He was coding this morning. I just don't understand why _he_ should be coding. Why not a bad person? Someone who _deserves_ to...' Piper averted her gaze. She was rambling, allowing her frustration to get the better of her.

'You learn to cope. But it doesn't get easier.'

'I know, it's just––' Piper returned several charts. '––She doesn't deserve it, you know? _They_ don't deserve it.'

'She?'

Piper collected her remaining charts. 'See you,' she muttered, walking past, uncaring about Bennett's sceptical look. She didn't care if her tongue slipped, didn't care what she had implied or revealed. Because, at the end of the day, it didn't matter. If Alex's treatment didn't work, then it didn't matter what Piper said about her.

It just didn't matter.

She tried to eat. Couldn't stomach anything. Popping out her mobile phone in the changing room, Piper dialled Larry's number, waited for him to pick up. He answered after the third ring. '_Hello_?'

'Hey...'

'_Pipes_?'

'Yeah.'

'_Why–– Are you okay_?'

Piper leaned against her locker. 'I lost a patient.'

'_Oh._' A pause. '_Oh, fuck_.'

'Nearly lost another one, too. A small boy.'

'_Fuck, Piper. You going to be all right_?'

'I have to be.' Piper shrugged, even though no one could see her. 'Just–– why does this happen, Larry? Why do good people have to suffer?'

Larry sighed. '_That's just nature, Pipes. Everyone suffers_.'

'Deep.'

'_Look, I can't talk. I'm about to head into a job interview. Maybe call me later_?'

She didn't have any energy to feel hurt, or insulted. 'Fine. Good luck.'

'_Thanks. I love you. See you at home_.' Then he hung up.

Pocketing her phone, Piper folded her arms, ignored the doctor who just walked in. She glanced at the clock on the wall. Nearly three in the afternoon. Turning around, she saw the doctor who just walked in was Polly. The brunette stopped short when their eyes met. They hadn't spoken since Tom coded this morning, and Piper was worried her best friend was still angry.

Of course she wasn't.

Polly came over and hugged Piper tightly. 'You look stressed, P.'

'I am,' Piper leaned her head against her shoulder. 'I could do for a massage.'

'With a happy ending?' They both snorted. 'Your shift is nearly finished, right? Just a few more hours. Then you can go home, snuggle into bed and watch _Mad Men_.' Piper grinned.

'I like the sound of that.' They both pulled apart. 'I should check on one of my patients.' Polly said nothing, and allowed Piper to brush past and leave the locker room. In good time, Piper made her way to the paediatric ward, over to Tom's bed. The child was awake, oxygen tubes in his nostrils. He looked at Piper when she came forwards. 'Hey there.' She smiled warmly, put on her stethoscope. 'I just need to listen to your heart.'

Tom nodded lightly. Piper wasn't all that happy with the rhythm. The medication was either not working, or hadn't _started_ working yet. Tom watched her expectantly.

'Wow,' Piper said, adding more drama to her voice so the child would catch on. 'You have such a strong heart! Stronger than mine is, and I have a very, very, very strong heart.'

It made him smile. 'Mummy's gone to get a drink of water.'

'Oh. That's okay. We can wait for her.' Piper pulled over a stool and dragged it over to the bed. 'You know, doing all of this doctor stuff can get so _boring_. Why not tell me a bit about yourself.'

The boy raised his brows a little. He struggled to sit uprightly slightly. Then, he was lost in thought on what he could say. 'Well, I like maths.'

'_Maths_?' Piper smiled wide. 'I love maths, too. My favourite subject at school.'

'Really?'

'Yeah. My teacher even said I was the best in the class. I bet you get that a lot as well.'

Tom smiled timidly. 'Sometimes.'

'I can already tell you're super smart.'

'I'm not good at writing. My teacher says my handwriting is messy.'

'Pft. Messy handwriting means a clear mind. Means you're a thoughtful one.' Piper tapped her head. 'And there's nothing wrong with that.'

Another smile. 'Thank you.' Tom then looked up, and his smile broadened when he saw his mother approach. Piper followed his line of gaze, stood up and shook his mother's hand. Briefly, Piper went over what she was doing, how much Tom was improving (she left out the fact he hadn't improved much), and what she planned on doing next.

His mother thanked her, and Piper decided this was her cue to leave. As soon as she left the ward, her smile fell. Time was running short. Just by looking at Tom she could tell he wasn't doing okay. He was pale, terribly pale. It wasn't a nice sight. A cruel sight, so fucking unfair and taunting.

If he wasn't such a sweet boy, Piper probably wouldn't feel so affected.

Without realising, Piper had proceeded straight for Alex's room. When she discovered this, the intern cringed and was about to walk out again. But then she spotted Alex was awake, sitting upright, and reading. Piper looked at her, wide eyed. 'Are you okay?' Piper asked, stepping further inside, pressing the charts to her.

She looked okay. Better than this morning. However there was still a roughness around her eyes, she still matched Tom's paleness. 'I'm okay.' Alex's eyes wandered down Piper's appearance, and the doctor tensed a little, unsure how to respond. 'Are _you_ okay?'

It was the softness of her tone which caught Piper off guard. Alex wasn't just asking out of nicety; she genuinely wanted to know. 'I think so,' Piper replied. Her eyes fell on the novel Alex was reading and she didn't recognise the title. 'No visitors today?'

'No.' Alex pulled a crooked smile. Piper ignored the fluttering sensation in her stomach. 'I'm all yours, kid.'

For the first time that day, Piper smiled and she _felt_ her smile. It was amazing how Alex didn't have to try to brighten everything up. She managed to give Piper a little more hope, even when she was down. 'I'm glad you're okay, Alex.' They allowed the silence to settle then, until Piper's pager went off. When she unclipped it from the waist of her scrubs, she wasn't afraid, she felt confident, felt like her day was getting better.

It was a code.

Tom.

Tom was coding again.

Alex registered the fear first. Then the dread. Then the despair. She sat up straighter, but before she could say a word, Piper had swerved on her heel and dashed out of the ward. Piper's mind had gone blank. She couldn't hear, couldn't think, couldn't see.

A nurse had to literally drag Tom's mother out of the ward while Piper prepared the defibrillators. She had them charged, shocked his chest, no change. Doctor Bennett appeared on the scene, which was such a relief. A nurse must have wisely paged him. He willingly took hold of the defibrillators, ordered Piper to perform CPR. She obeyed, but even if the pressure was put off her slightly, she was still terrified. Wide eyed, she moved back when Bennett gave the order. Shocked his chest. Immediately Piper returned to her CPR. 'Clear!'

Five minutes passed.

Piper's arms began to ache, the frustration started to rise.

Then, the anger.

'Clear!'

Angry.

'Clear!'

She was so, so fucking angry.

'Clear!'

Tears stung her eyes.

'...'

Bennett's shoulders slumped.

'...'

Piper looked away from him.

'Doctor?'

'No.'

'Doctor.'

'_No_.'

'You have to.'

Yes. She did have to. She _had_ to. Piper wanted to punch the wall, wanted to smack herself, wanted to fucking wham her head against a brick. She glared at her superior, but she wasn't mad at him. She wasn't mad at anyone in particular. She was just mad at fate.

Mad at the heart monitor, which droned on lifelessly.

Piper looked at the boy. He might as well be sleeping.

'Time of death––' She exhaled, '1806.'

Nothing. No response. Piper had fucked up. She failed. She let the boy die. Trembling, Piper brushed past her attending, met Tom's mother outside. Bennett soon joined, but Piper had to announce her baby's death. But she already knew. She already knew and that–– that destroyed Piper completely. At first, she was calm, and politely said to Piper, 'Go away.' So Piper turned around, and by the time she had reached the end of the hallway, she could hear Tom's mother crying bitterly, wailing.

Piper was stoic. She didn't want to show what she was feeling. She didn't want the nurses and doctors to realise what a pathetic waste she was. She didn't want them to know she had killed a boy. She had _killed_ a boy. It had been one day, and she lost _two_ patients. Two patients.

And one of them was a _child_.

The anger attacked first. Piper went into the only room she felt safe in, slammed the door behind her. She glared at nothing, then shook violently, whamming her fist into the wall. Blood soaked her knuckles, and she hit it again, and again, and again.

No matter how many times she hurt herself, though, the agony coursing through her refused to fade.

Piper smashed her fist into the wall once more, and this time she was certain she had broken something––

Suddenly her hand was yanked away; someone was holding onto her wrist and Piper flailed, struggled and fought. Tears leaked from her eyes, and she let herself go. Let all the guilt and anger rush out, all the fucked up shit that had gone on in her life ever since she became an intern. And what a mistake that had been. How could she go for a job like this?

It was the first time since Alex's TB returned did Piper see her out of bed. Piper shouldn't have come to her, shouldn't have disturbed her, but she didn't know where else to go. She didn't know who else to go to. Piper pulled her wrist out of Alex's grip.

'I'm not cut out for this,' she sobbed, wiping away a few tears.

Alex looked sick. Tired. Which only made Piper feel worse. 'What happened?'

'I lost a child. I lost a little boy. I can't do this; I'm not cut out of this, I can't––'

When Alex pulled Piper close, the blonde flinched, and she almost pulled out of her grasp, but suddenly her body collapsed, and she fell into Alex's arms. The warmth bouncing off her was so inviting. Piper clung to her hospital gown, buried her face into the crook of her neck, and cried. It was all she could do. All she was able to do.

Alex held her. Said nothing. She just held her, let Piper cry.

The way Alex's arms were around her felt so gentle, so relaxed and soft. Alex's scent was nice, reminded Piper of home for some reason. Alex held her for a while, patiently waiting for her doctor to stop crying. Soon, she felt Piper's tense muscles slacken, she still shook, but not as aggressively, and she sighed deeply, clung to Alex a little tighter.

Piper pulled back. Felt a tad embarrassed. But she was suddenly transfixed by Alex's eyes. Her glasses were off, and Piper was surprised how much those thick frames hid her face. Hid Alex's wonderful face. Piper gasped lightly when Alex wiped away the last few stray tears, and the blonde watched her, watched her until her heart pace started to slow.

Until, finally, she was calm. Better.

Yet neither were prepared for what happened next.

Piper leaned up and kissed Alex on the lips, and there was no grace or softness in her affection. She kissed Alex hard, making it so very clear what was going on, how she felt, how _fucked up_ she was in the head. Alex felt good against her body, her lips were a little chapped, and Piper wanted to kiss them more, but she instantly realised just _what_ she was doing.

Instantly Piper pulled away. Stared at her in horror. 'I'm sorry.'

_Larry_.

Piper swallowed, the shame and guilt eating at her once more, but this time for an entirely different reason. Grasping the door handle, she looked at Alex again, saw the puzzlement, shock and forgiveness in her eyes. It was too much. Piper couldn't.

She couldn't do this.

'Piper?'

'I'm so sorry.'

Her apology hung in the air when she left, and then silence.

Loneliness again.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**author's** **note**: Just wanted to say a quick thank you to **garganta**, **[ lj ]**, **Maritexxam**, **ToTheBarricades**, **Makotoftw**, **NCIS-Ninja**, **LauraWright123**, **Chand3li3r**, **[ helen ]**, **IrishCourtney**, **KuchikiEverlark**, **DarkStrider**, **bleekblock**, **[ Basic ]**, the three **[ Guest ]** reviewers and **DarkestGayMoon** for reviewing the prior chapter. Until next time!


	6. Seconds Apart

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Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>6.<strong>

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**.**

**.**

'Am I fired?'

'No.'

'How? Why aren't I fired? I lost two patients.'

'I checked your procedures, the medications; I was thorough in making sure you were doing everything you could to keep your patients alive. Chapman, I was following you every step of the way. You did what you could. Sometimes, you can know everything there is to know about medicine. You can be a genius, a whizz, but at the end of the day, it all comes down to luck.' A pause. 'I'm sorry. I guess luck just wasn't on your side. You're a good doctor. I'd hate to see you walk away with those two deaths hanging on your shoulders. You did everything right.'

A lie. That wasn't true.  
>Piper had made mistakes that day.<p>

'You should go home. Your shift has ended.'

'I still have a couple of patients to check on, sir.'

'Get out of the hospital. Get some rest. You won't have many opportunities like these. Go home.'

'Can I ask something?'

'Okay.'

Glancing down at her hands in her lap, Piper struggled to form words. 'When you were an intern, was it normal for you to––' She shrugged. '––lose interest?'

'In what?'

'A person.'

He answered without hesitation. 'Yes.' Looked at her engagement ring. 'All the time.' Piper said nothing, but her heart falls. 'When I was an intern, I didn't have time for relationships. To be honest, I still don't. Don't be surprised if you're not as close to your partner as you were before.'

The chair scraped back. Piper stood. 'I'll see you tomorrow, sir.'

He nodded, watched her leave. The moment she left the office, Piper felt sick to her stomach. No matter how much her boss tried to reassure her she had done everything right, she still felt guilty, awful. Absolutely awful. Piper reached the locker room, pulled off her scrubs and changed into jeans and a top. She pressed her forehead against the metal, exhaled heavily. The world was very dark; she felt detached, as if she were fading away. She wanted to cry, but she refrained herself. No, she didn't want to cry, she didn't want to burst into tears like a child. She was an adult, she was a doctor; she had to deal with the shit thrown at her.

It made no sense, though. To think, yesterday afternoon she had been speaking to Tom, and he was alive, he was okay, he was fucking _breathing_. Why did he have to die? What did he do in order to die at such a young age? Was there a reason? Fuck, there must have been a reason. Or did people just die? Did they just _die_ because it's a part of nature for them to die? Was there no real cause? How was that fair? How was that _fair_?

Piper slammed her locker door shut.

And she couldn't stop thinking about the kiss.

_I'm not a good doctor_.

Couldn't stop thinking about Alex's lips on hers, how right and perfect she felt against her, how much Piper wanted more. She had never felt so excited in so few seconds. Kissing Alex sparked something dangerous and hungry inside her. A monster trapped within, growling, greedy, possessive. Piper felt a rush. Her cheeks reddened, but not out of embarrassment. Grabbing her bag, she slung it over her shoulder, and slowly left the room.

Somehow, someway, Piper had turned into a horrible woman.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Ice cream. _Mad Men_. Bed.

The house to herself.

Piper felt miserable.

Stupid.  
>Weak.<br>Helpless.  
>Lonely.<p>

Even when her phone alerted her Polly had sent a text, her mood didn't lift. Placing another spoonful of ice cream into her mouth, Piper picked up her mobile. Polly had asked if she was all right; she must have heard. Piper considered not answering. But after staring at the text for a minute, she decided to reply. It was a speedy response.

_I've done a terrible thing_.

She waited. A reply came within thirty seconds.

_I'm on a ten min break. Ring me?_

Piper obliged. Polly picked up immediately. 'Hi,' Piper mumbled, licking her spoon. 'You heard?'

'_About you being ordained Doctor Death? Yeah, I heard._'

She sighed. 'That's mean.' Pout.

'_Hey, what are you doing? Are you alone_?'

'I have my ice cream.'

'_No. No way. I'm not going to let my best friend eat her feelings. Come back to the hospital. I'll cheer you up_.'

'Urgh.' Piper groaned. 'I want to stay as far away from that place as possible.'

'_Bad memories_?'

'Yeah. _Real_ bad, Polly.'

There was a wait. She could _hear_ Polly frowning on the other end. '_What did you do, P? Except lose two patients. Which, for the record, wasn't your fault_.'

Should she tell her? Should she tell Polly she kissed Alex Vause? A woman? A _patient_? What would Polly say? Would she inform their chief of medicine? Would he fire her like he should have done this morning? Piper pinched the bridge of her nose. 'I just did a terrible thing.'

'_What thing_?'

'Just –– a thing.'

'_Wow. Real informative._'

'I can't talk about it, Pol. I can't.' Piper grimaced. 'I'd rather just forget the whole thing.' Forget about Tom, forget about the wails of his mother, forget about Alex, and forget about their stupid, fucked up kiss. _**My**__ kiss. I kissed her. __**I**__ kissed __**her**__. Fuck_. Slowly, Piper closed her eyes and groaned loudly. 'If I don't come into work tomorrow, it's because I drowned myself in this ice cream.' She held up the half empty tub. 'God, I love ice cream.'

'_You're freaking me out, P._' There was a small pause shared between them, and she heard Polly sigh. '_Damn it. I got to go. Text me later, all right? I'm worried_.'

'Don't be. I'm just––' _Stupid_. 'I'll be fine.'

With reluctance, Polly let the whole thing go and they hung up. Piper continued to watch _Mad Men_ for a little while, but half way through her episode –– which she had watched countless times –– her attention began to stray. What was she doing eating ice cream and lying in bed? For God's sake. Switching off the television, Piper grabbed a few textbooks from under the bed and started studying. Her intern exam was in three months, and she knew starting early was best. Heck, it was the least she could do after losing two patients and humiliating another.

Should she tell Larry? Piper cringed. No. She shouldn't tell him, because the kiss meant nothing, and as soon as Alex was better, she would be out of Piper's life. And that was all Alex was to her: a patient. A regular patient. There was nothing particularly special about her, except she had aggressive tuberculosis and a personality Piper was in awe about. As a dare, Piper had once kissed a woman, but she had never been with one romantically. The blonde wouldn't label herself as heterosexual, though. She had always been curious or, more accurately, interested.

But not many women had caught her eye.

Oh, fuck.

Piper looked up from her textbook. Was she admitting Alex had caught her eye?

Did she _like_ Alex?

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Yes, being around Alex made Piper happy. She enjoyed their conversations, and she loved how Alex was able to lift her spirits so effortlessly. She appreciated the advice Alex threw her way, and her presence was pleasant. In an odd way, Piper felt safe.

Too safe.

This was wrong.

On so many levels, this was horrifically wrong.

Suddenly she heard the front door open. Piper stiffened, felt the heat rise in her cheeks when she listened for Larry's voice. He called her name, possibly when noticing her shoes at the entrance. A tad flustered, Piper shot off the bed and hurried down the stairs to meet him. He beamed at her, and she smiled back, and when they hugged, Piper held him tightly, a little more tightly than usual. Of course her boyfriend caught on that something was wrong, so Piper told him about yesterday. About the first patient she lost, and then she told him about Tom.

He listened, nodded, kissed her. Told her it was all okay –– it was going to be okay.

Wrapped in his arms, Piper wanted him to say more, and when he said _she_ was going to be okay, that she _was_ okay, and that everything she was doing was fine, she felt tears sting her eyes. Yes, she was going to be okay, but she wasn't okay. She was far from okay, and she knew, deep down, from this point onwards, she wouldn't do fine.

Because when she clung to him, kissed his lips, put his hands on her body, she found herself thinking about someone else entirely.

The shame and guilt slowly ate her away during the night. She inhaled his scent, felt his beating heart; he was real and alive. But he wasn't _there_. Larry was slowly detaching himself from her, slowly, gradually, and it tore her apart.

Nothing was going to be okay.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Stoic. Cold. Uncaring.

Piper was all three of these characteristics when she stepped into Alex's room the following morning. Not to her surprise, her patient was already awake, sitting upright and reading. Their gaze met briefly, but Piper quickly turned her attention to the IV drop, the heart monitor and, finally, the chart. She could feel Alex's eyes on her while she read, and, more than anything, Piper just wanted to run out of the room, run far away.

When she looked up, Alex raised her brows expectantly.

By now, her patient would have made a remark. Made a remark about anything. Thrown a comment in Piper's direction, just to see her doctor's response. But, this morning, she had nothing to say, and Piper's heart dropped.

'How have you been feeling?' Piper asked.

'A little tired. Better.'

'Good. Your stats have improved. You'll hopefully be able to go home by the end of the week.' Piper returned the chart. 'Guess the meds finally worked.'

Alex didn't smile. 'Guess so.'

The tension was horrible. Piper inhaled. 'Look, what happened –– yesterday. I wasn't in the right state of mind. A lot of shit happened, and I didn't mean it. Kissing you. It just happened, and I didn't plan on it or anything.' She hated the words slipping from her mouth, but she couldn't stop herself. 'Best you just don't tell anyone about it, either. Otherwise I'd be out of the job.'

'Don't worry, kid,' Alex replied, and by her tone, Piper could tell she was being mocked. 'There's not much to tell anyway.'

It felt like a stab to the chest. Piper frowned. 'Well, it might not be much to you, but if word got out that I was _involved_ with a patient––'

'I just said "don't worry", didn't I?' Alex snapped, her impatience and frustration showing. 'So stop worrying.' She returned to reading her book. 'For the record, we weren't involved anyway. Like you said, it meant nothing.'

Stoic. Cold. Uncaring.

It was comical, but terribly sad, how Piper couldn't keep up her act. 'Are you pissed off?'

A sigh. Alex reluctantly looked back at her. 'No. I don't care.'

'Then why do you sound pissed off?' Piper raised her shoulders, and Alex nearly scowled at how pathetic she looked. She had dealt with shit like this before, and she had little patience to sort through it with her doctor. Frankly, Alex was pissed off, but only at how Piper had worded her explanation, completely disregarding Alex's feelings on the situation. How fucking selfish. 'Being a doctor is difficult, Alex,' Piper defended, causing the other woman to roll her eyes. 'I let my emotions get the better of me for a second, okay?'

'I would accept that as an excuse if I didn't understand.'

'You can't understand what it's like to be a doctor,' Piper replied softly. She wasn't patronising. Or sympathetic. She was just gentle, helpless. Even Piper knew her argument was ridiculous, and Alex hated the innocent wide-eyed look Piper was giving her. _Bet that works all the time with her fucking fiancé_, she thought to herself, gritting her teeth. 'You can't understand what it's like for your emotions to fuck your head around.'

Alex laughed shortly, but not in humour. In disbelief. 'I know _exactly_ what that's like.'

'No, you don't––'

'Do you think I feel nothing every day living with TB? Or suffering a poor immune system? How do you think I feel when I have to step into this fucking hospital every day?'

'Alex...'

'It sucks, kid. It fucking sucks. And, believe me, the "trauma" you're going through is incomparable to what patients like me have to deal with. So, no. I don't care about your excuses. I don't care if you were in the right frame of mind. I honestly don't give a shit.'

What did Piper expect? For Alex to be completely cool with it all? Piper looked away, and she had no argument left. She had lied to Alex, and even lied to herself. That kiss did mean something, but she didn't want to admit it, she was too afraid to admit it. Piper felt depressed, miserable; hated the argument they were having, loathed the tension rising between them. She fucked up. Badly. She fucked up with her deceased patients, and now she was fucking up with a patient she had nearly cured. 'I can't...' She swallowed. '... I can't get involved with a patient.'

Alex's expression softened slightly. 'You aren't.' Piper met her gaze. This time, Alex looked away, and Piper spotted regret, reluctance, _disappointment_. 'I like you, kid, but we wouldn't work.' Then she smiled crookedly, and it was a friendly smile. One which made Piper smile back, albeit weakly. 'We are not worth you losing your career over.'

Maybe it was the tone she used, or her choice of words, but she managed to make Piper chuckle. 'I'll miss you, when you go.'

Alex raised a brow. 'When I leave, I won't necessarily be your patient anymore. So we can hang out.'

'Hang out?' Piper snorted. 'What, like buddies? Hang out in the park, smoking weed?'

'I could use a buddy. Who smokes weed in the park.'

'Oh.' Piper smiled. 'Well, I'm your girl then.' She would like that. Minus the smoking weed part. Piper enjoyed the smile Alex offered her, and held onto it for a moment, before remembering she had a job to do. 'I'll see you.' She let her farewell hang, and walked out of the room. Even though they had left on fairly good terms, Piper still felt off. She didn't feel satisfied with the results; she was expecting Alex to fight for her, to get jealous. She wanted Alex to react.

Slouching over the nurse's desk, Piper groaned inwardly. She loved being a doctor. But sometimes she fucking hated it. Everything was so complicated. Even though Piper had the afternoon off yesterday, she was exhausted, tired. She spent the whole time last night going over and over her treatments for Tom, and what provoked her to search for Alex afterwards. God, she had so many rooms to pick, so many places to go, so many people to talk to, and she chose Alex. What the hell did that even mean? Why did she choose Alex?

Two arms wrapped around her middle. She heard Polly's voice in her ear, 'Hey there, lover.'

'Hey,' Piper smirked.

Polly pulled away and turned to face her properly. 'I was so worried about you. You sounded dead over the phone.'

'Flattering. As always.'

'I speak the truth, P. So, what _did_ happen?'

Piper looked at her bluntly. 'Killed two patients and, somehow, I'm still in the job.'

'Minus the murders, then, what happened?'

'I...' Piper exhaled, shook her head. 'It's not worth it. Really.'

She sighed. Glum. 'Well, if you say so.' Polly eyed her friend for a moment, as if hoping the answer would pop from her face. 'Just so you know, Larry called me. Told me to keep an eye on you; he's worried too.'

That didn't help Piper feel any better. 'Ah.'

'Yeah.'

'Shit.'

'Chin up, P. Why don't you go talk to that female patient you've been flirting with?'

Piper's heart skipped a beat, then she remembered Polly didn't know much about Alex Vause. This whole flirting business was more of an inside joke between the two. She wasn't aware that Piper had formed an odd respect with the patient, had confided in her, even kissed her. Polly didn't know anything, so Piper easily relaxed. However, Polly wasn't stupid. She furrowed her brows slightly, but thought nothing of it when Piper replied.

'Too busy to flirt.' Piper took her charts. 'I have patients to kill.'

Polly smirked. 'Aren't you just an angel?'

The day was better. No patients died. No patients coded. It was smooth. Relatively easy. But Piper rarely smiled. Tom's death continued to haunt her, and the guilt from her kiss with Alex refused to give. She wasn't happy, no matter how much she tried to focus on the positives. She wasn't content. She wasn't _okay_ either.

She bumped into Polly again in the cafeteria and they ate lunch together, mostly in silence. Doctor Healy passed their table and Piper was worried for a moment he might berate her for losing two patients the other day. However, he didn't seem to notice her. Piper exhaled in relief.

'You need to loosen up,' Polly said.

Just as Piper was about to take a bite from her pizza, she spotted a pretty brunette approaching their table. She wore a blouse and skirt, and must have just come from work. Her smile was contagious when she reached them, and the blonde struggled not to smile back. 'Hello,' she greeted, her voice pleasantly high. Almost musical.

'Hi,' Polly replied, frowning a little. 'Can we help?'

'Yes. I asked a nurse where I can find someone, but I've forgotten which ward they're in. I was wondering if you could escort me there.'

Piper nodded. 'I'd be happy to. What's the patient's name?'

'Oh. Alex Vause?'

It didn't make sense, at first, why Piper felt attacked. She looked the woman in the eye, and her expression hardened. 'Are you a friend?'

'Sort of,' she shrugged.

'Okay.' Piper's appetite had gone completely. She ignored Polly's raised brow, and turned on her heel. 'This way, then.'

Sort of.

Alex was "sort of" a friend.

Piper scowled to herself. Whatever.

When they were at Alex's ward, Piper let the other woman in first. To no one's surprise, Alex was busy reading but instantly turned her attention to her two visitors. Piper clenched a fist when Alex smiled at the brunette, 'So you _are_ still alive?' The brunette teased, then leaned over and kissed Alex on the cheek. Piper's smile fell completely. 'I'm sorry it took me this long to get here. You know what it's like when you're travelling all the time. Bloody planes kept getting cancelled.'

'I enjoyed the loneliness actually,' Alex replied.

Piper stepped forwards. 'Visiting hours finish soon.' Her voice was fierce, hard, and she instantly regretted her tone. The brunette looked at her, shocked.

'Oh. Okay. Thanks.'

Anger. Piper felt anger. She looked at Alex and hated the way she looked at her. Frowning, but her eyes were steel, illegible. It was clear she wanted Piper to leave them alone. Piper had done enough, made it perfectly clear how she felt, and Alex didn't appreciate being treated this way. Piper looked at the brunette, then walked out.

Sort of friend.

What was a sort of friend?

Piper exhaled. It didn't matter. It didn't fucking matter.

**.**

**.**

**.**

For the remainder of her shift, Piper avoided Alex's room at all costs. She distracted herself with more studies, and when Polly tried to ask about the female patient she liked to flirt with, Piper would instantly change the subject. This only made Polly more suspicious, and Piper hoped she wouldn't figure anything out. She _hoped_.

Her pager went off.

Doctor Healy wanted her in the one place she wanted to be away from.

Slowly, taking her time, Piper abandoned her books with Polly and made her way to Alex's ward. When she arrived, the brunette was gone. She didn't look at Alex. Pretended she didn't exist, but the moment she stepped inside, Piper felt bruised, beaten.

Upset.

'Your patient is better. We can dismiss her tomorrow.'

Then everything, _everything_, shattered before Piper's eyes.  
>Nothing had sounded more beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. Alex was leaving. She was leaving, and she was leaving for good.<p>

'That's wonderful,' Piper exhaled.

'Well done,' Healy said, offering a small smile, before walking past.

The two women were left alone.  
>Piper made a turn to leave.<p>

'Doctor Chapman?'

Her name. Her title.

Alex's voice was happy; joyful.

Cautiously, Piper looked at her, and saw her smile. Saw a glimmer in her eyes Piper had sorely missed, and she saw relief too, and an amazing, torturous gratefulness. Alex looked so unlike herself, so delirious and _pleased_. In this moment, what had happened between them was erased. Forgotten.

Piper smiled warmly. Gently.

'I'm better,' Alex concluded.

Two words. They sounded perfect.

Piper nodded. 'Yeah. You are.'

A pause. They held each other's gaze for a few more seconds, and Piper's heart raced, her limbs trembled, and she flushed, felt clammy, disappointed.

'Good bye,' Piper said.

Alex's smile fell a little. 'Bye.'

For now, they let each other go.

**.**

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**author's note**: This was a monster to write. It was hard. And exhausting. I sure hope it's not as bad I think it is. If you're wanting Vauseman goodness, then now is the time when it's all going to get crazy. Thank you so much to those who reviewed. I'm still in awe at some of feedback I received for the last chapter. I honestly didn't know it was that good. I'm extremely flattered. Thank you!


	7. On The Road

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Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>7.<strong>

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Despite the thrill, despite the freedom and despite the fact this was the first time in _weeks_ since she was able to spend quality time with her fiancé, Piper was dreading it. When she woke up on her day off, Piper wasn't prepared. It was terrible and even a little embarrassing how she wanted to return to the hospital. There was work to do: paperwork, her patients, and Piper would cope better with her studying if she was in the staffroom, not in her own home. Piper had become _that_ intern: addicted to her career. Obsessed. The last thing she wanted to become was _that_ intern; the intern no one liked.

Larry had gone out to buy coffee, so Piper decided to wait on the sofa in their lounge, open up her textbooks and read in her pyjamas. It was pleasant to wake up at eight in the morning and not have to go anywhere, even if her hands were itching to fiddle with an IV drip. The sun had just started poking through the clouds, and she hoped it would be a relatively warm day. Even though she still felt dread –– she wasn't quite sure why –– Piper was also excited. Hopefully Larry had stuck to his promise, and they would be heading off to a hotel somewhere, with a swimming pool and great food.

The front door opened, closed. Piper sighed happily when she smelt caffeine, and outstretched her hands grabbing thin air when Larry approached, two coffees in hand. Smirking, he passed Piper hers, before sitting down next to her. Happily, Piper took a sip and groaned in pleasure. 'This beats the cheap crap at the hospital. Wow.' She leaned her head against his shoulder, trailing her finger over the rim of the container. Larry chuckled slightly and turned to his own drink, and they sipped in silence for a short while.

Yet, after some time, the anticipation was too much. Piper raised herself to look her fiancé in the eye. When he smiled, a familiar glimmer in his eyes, Piper felt her heart race. Yes, he had remembered. 'How does a day on the road sound to you? I've booked a hotel. Where we're going is a secret. A secret you'll love, though.' Piper leaned up and kissed him. 'Aw man. I'm so glad you're not working today,' he whispered, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her close.

'Me too,' Piper sighed, resting her head on his chest. She sipped her coffee, licked her lips, and frowned. 'I'm sorry, Larry. For not being around, but you know I can't help it.'

Larry shrugged. 'You're a good doctor. Your patients need you. I get it, don't worry.'

Even though she felt better from his words, she wasn't all convinced. Glancing up at him, she smiled crookedly, and he smiled back. 'I cured a patient yesterday.'

'That's awesome,' Larry's smile broadened, and he meant it. 'What did he have?'

'She. And she had TB.'

Unfortunately, due to patient and doctor confidentiality, Piper couldn't reveal much. In fact, she had already said more than she needed to so she quickly shut up. Plus, talking about Alex wasn't how she wanted to spend her day. Alex was gone. She was better, and, hopefully, she and Piper would never meet again. Even if she was charming, nice to be around, and a snarky, gorgeous lesbian, Alex was trouble. And Piper avoided trouble at all costs. Avoiding trouble was what made her such a successful woman, with such a good life, and a stable job. More or less. As long as Alex was far away, then everything would be fine.

But Alex _was_ gone, so Piper had to stop thinking about her. She didn't matter. She was irrelevant to her life now; just a patient she got a little close with. Piper had learnt her lesson: remain distant to her patients. As distant as she could. Patients looked to _her_ for comfort and reassurance, not the other way around. Piper hoped the kiss wouldn't be revealed. If it did, then Doctor Healy would give her a beating. Even though it happened two days ago, Piper still felt guilt, and she was still wondering if she should tell Larry.

After all, they would be married in due time. It would be awful if Piper wedded a man she was already hiding secrets from. Anyway, there was no reason for her not to. Larry would understand that Alex was just a one-off, a mistake, an accidental slip up. Alex was nothing. Right?

'Hey.' Larry nudged her affectionately.

Piper jumped in surprise, and realised she had been lost in thought.

'Be ready to leave soon. Pack some clothes.'

'Fine, fine.' Piper kissed him again, and leaned back when Larry walked away. Sipping at her coffee, it finally hit what she was dreading. This whole day she would spend with Larry, and she was scared something might happen. Something might slip. Yes, what happened between her and Alex meant nothing, _except it did mean something_. It was still a kiss. Piper had still cheated. When she kissed Alex, she felt so many emotions, so many sensations, her entire body reacted, and the fact she wanted more, wanted Alex to kiss her, wanted to feel Alex's arms around her body, holding her, made Piper feel dreadful.

Finishing her coffee, the doctor dumped her textbooks to the side, hurried upstairs and got ready for the day. She decided to dress nicely, an extra tease for Larry. Or, maybe, this was just her making up for the horrible things she had done. She wasn't sure. Whatever it was, it drove her to wear a favourite summer dress. White, fitted at the top, hugging her hips, before flowing gently downwards. Nothing extravagant, but she loved it. Easy and comfortable to wear, and kept her cool in the hot weather.

A small bag packed with clothes and essential toiletries, Piper returned back downstairs. A smile pulled at her lips when she saw Larry already prepared. He grabbed the car keys and they left together. The sun was out, and, by the looks of it, it was going to be a nice day. Piper peered over her shoulder, watching Larry lock up, before they both stepped into the car.

'No clues?' Piper asked.

Larry turned to her, his eyes taking in the white dress, the curls she had in her blonde hair. 'Nope,' he confirmed, starting the ignition and reversing out of the driveway. Facing the window, Piper twiddled her thumbs, and watched the scenery pass.

Heart in her mouth, Piper put the hospital behind her. For now, she would forget: forget she was a doctor, forget about her patients, forget how the hospital was still packed out with patients. She would forget about the two patients she lost, and she would forget about Alex.

They played their favourite music, discussed what had been on the news lately, spoke a little about Polly and her new boyfriend, Pete. Larry mentioned they seemed to be getting along well. In fact, despite Polly's demanding job, both Larry and Piper shared a hunch this relationship might just work out. Unfortunately, Piper hadn't seen Pete since the double date, but she had heard the odd thing about him from Polly. As her best friend, it was necessary for her to hear the latest update.

For the most part their journey was fun. Yet as the day grew older, the colder it became. Very cold. Fortunately Piper had packed a cardigan and she pulled it over her shoulders. The roads became dark, and Larry flicked on the headlights. They were near to their destination. Only a few more miles. Larry was halfway through talking about this new job he might be getting, when his mobile started ringing. Piper grabbed it and looked at the name on the screen. 'John Smith? Who's that?'

Larry looked at her, wide eyed, then back to the front. 'John _Smith_? Are you serious?'

'Yeah...?'

Instantly Larry swerved onto the curb and parked, taking the phone from Piper. He answered, 'Hello?' Piper watched in silence, eyebrows raised. Larry started smiling, almost jumping in his seat. 'Yes, that's right.' A pause. 'Really?' He gasped, beaming at Piper. 'Th–– Thank you so much. Yes, of course, I'll be there as soon as I can.' The moment he hung up, he faced her again. 'That was my new boss. I'm going to get a promotion for the magazine I'm writing for. I just need to head back home and––'

'What, _now_?'

Larry's smile fell slightly. 'I'll be at the hotel by tomorrow afternoon. Come on, Pipes. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.'

Was he fucking with her? Piper stared in disbelief. 'So is my day off! Weren't you complaining how we barely get to spend any time together? What the fuck, Larry?'

'I'll drop you off at the hotel! Hey, you won't even know I'm gone. It's just for one night––'

'You can't go back now. It's late.'

'I've driven in the dark many times before. I can't risk losing this job, Piper.'

There was no point arguing. Larry was stubborn to a fault. He wasn't going to back down, no matter what Piper said. Sighing in frustration, Piper gave in. 'Whatever. Just get me to the fucking hotel.'

Larry opened his mouth to speak, but stopped himself. The mood dropped when he started the car again, and they continued their drive. Folding her arms, Piper sat, fuming. She couldn't believe this. How could Larry be so fucking selfish? So what if this was a once in a lifetime opportunity? This was their day off together. They were supposed to be travelling, catching up, making amends. By the time they arrived at the hotel, Piper was in no speaking mood. Larry asked if she would like him to bring in her bag, to which she snapped a "no". Snatching her bag from the backseat, Piper stormed towards the hotel.

Which, to be fair, was a lovely hotel. Posh, clean, and very big.

Piper was too pissed off and upset to wave him off. She took her key from the receptionist, stared at it for a while. 'Are there any places I can go to eat?' She asked.

'There's a restaurant just down the road. It's a bar as well. Mix of both. They have really nice food there.'

Nodding her thanks, Piper made her way to her room. Third floor, and it was the room right at the end of the hallway. Inside was a lavish sofa, a double bed, a small television and a desk. Piper dumped her bag onto the desk, and checked her phone to make sure she didn't have any texts. There was one from Larry –– an apology, and a promise to make it up to her tomorrow. Piper sighed, deleted the text. She didn't want to communicate with him, afraid she might say something she would regret.

_Damn it, Larry_.

Piper wasn't going to sit around and waste this dress she was wearing. The doctor was starving and she needed to drink some good alcohol. She left the hotel quickly, and followed the instructions the receptionist said towards the bar/restaurant. It wasn't too difficult to find. Like the hotel, it was surprisingly posh, and well kept. Tables were scattered around the floor, and already customers were feasting on heavenly looking meals. Piper spotted the bar up ahead, and on her way there grabbed a menu.

The food was expensive. But she could tell it was mouth watering.

'Hi, what can I get you?' The barman said.

Piper looked at him. 'Oh, uh...' She studied the drinks available. 'I'll just have a margarita for now please.'

She watched while the barman prepared her drink, and glanced to her left. Most customers in here ranged from around twenty to late thirties. The chatter was civilised. It was nice. Piper got comfy on a stool at the bar, and turned to the menu again, figuring out which meal to have.

'Isn't it a little cold for a margarita?'

That voice.

Deep, husky, but feminine. A voice Piper thought she would never hear again in her life.

Piper turned to the source. Standing beside her, leaning casually against the bar, was her former patient, Alex Vause. A glass of wine was in hand, and she wore black leather trousers, and a white shirt, first few top buttons undone, and sleeves rolled up past her elbows. The red lipstick was a stunning contrast against her pale complexion and black makeup around her eyes. It was weird to witness Alex outside the hospital, wearing normal clothes, looking normal, and doing normal things. Piper blinked. It was as if she had never been to the hospital in the first place.

For a moment, Piper just stared in awe. She didn't know whether to feel happy or horrified to see her.

Alex's crooked smile was knowing, friendly, but teasing. She knew exactly what Piper was thinking.

'Do you work here?'

'Are you fucking kidding me?' Alex asked.

Piper blinked again. 'Why are you here?'

'Business. Work.'

'Already?'

'I hate to keep my customers waiting. Plus, I was feeling better anyway. Never got round to say thank you.'

'Oh.' Piper glanced at the barman when he served her drink. 'You're welcome, then.'

Sipping at her wine, Alex's eyes roamed over Piper's appearance. Piper looked away. She grabbed her glass of margarita, took a huge swig, then another, before downing the whole thing. Alex cocked a brow. 'Thirsty?'

'Another please,' Piper said, ignoring the navy-haired woman beside her.

Fuck.

'So, why are _you_ here, kid?'

'Holidaying. Or, would be, if my fiancé didn't choose work instead.'

'Ditched you when he saw the first chance to get away. Wonder what he'll be like on the big day.' Piper glowered at her. Alex sniggered. 'It's so sad when the bride is dumped at the alter, you know?'

'I won't be dumped at the alter,' Piper snapped.

'Uh-Huh.'

She sipped her margarita. Glared. Pouted. Rolled her eyes. 'Do you live here?'

'No. I'm only staying here for the night.'

'Oh. Why? Got better places to be?'

Alex laughed. 'Clearly you don't.'

'I'm your doctor. I saved your life.' Piper looked at her, raised her brow. 'So have some manners.'

'Technically, you didn't save my life. I wasn't dying.'

'You would have been.'

'Positive as always. I love that about you.'

Piper's heart skipped a beat. _Love_. What the fuck did that mean? 'Where's the brunette who visited you yesterday? She seemed quite fond of you.' Piper raised the glass to her lips.

'Who, Juliet?' Alex gave her a funny look. 'You think she was fond of me? Oh... well, it takes one to know one.'

Slamming the glass onto the bar, Piper glared at her again. 'I'm not fond of you, Miss Vause.'

'Ouch.'

'I will never be fond of you. Okay? What happened, that time, you know––?'

'When you kissed me?'

'Yeah, _that_–– That didn't happen. It did, but, in my mind, it didn't. Because it doesn't matter. It was an accident.'

Alex smiled.

'Fuck off,' Piper muttered bitterly.

'I don't know _how_ your fiancé fell for you. You're so rude.'

'I hate to break it to you, but you're not exactly an angel yourself.'

'Well, you're no hero either, kid. So get off your high horse, and stop treating me like your patient.'

'I'm _not_ treating you like my patient.'

'You are, applying the whole patient/doctor boundary between us.' She shrugged. 'I'm out of the hospital. I don't need treatment anymore––'

'I hope you'll continue to take your meds.'

Alex rolled her eyes. '––_So_, like I said, stop treating me like your fucking patient.'

'I can't stand you.'

'Liar.'

Piper scoffed. 'I think I preferred you when you were half dead.'

'I think I preferred you when you were overwhelmed with emotion.'

'Are you making fun of me?'

'You _just_ caught on? I thought doctors were clever.'

'Sorry. Your idiocy must be rubbing off on me.'

At that, Alex laughed again, and Piper had to smile. Despite the fact Alex managed to push all the wrong buttons, there was something funny about the silly discussion they were having. Piper liked it. This was pure banter, and she had never had banter before. Not like this. 'Are you going to eat something?'

'I don't know what to have. Too many choices.'

'Poor thing. Let me help––' Alex snatched the menu off her.

'Oi, hey!'

Huffing, Piper remained in her seat and waited for Alex to skim over the options. After about five seconds, she pointed to one of the meals listed. 'You should have this one. I think it's the only dish here that isn't mould.'

'You come here often?'

'Fairly.' Alex passed the menu back. 'I take it this isn't exactly your first choice to holiday.'

'No. Not really.' Piper gave in her order, following Alex's advice. It was a sort of pasta with a fancy sauce and a fancy salad that she didn't really care about. 'I'm more into beaches and sun, than gloomy bars and empty roads.'

'I go to many beaches.'

'Wow. Thanks. Rub it in.'

'No, really. I could take you one day. I will have to work most of the time, but I'd let you go off and do your own thing.'

Piper watched her quietly. She always knew there was something suspicious about Alex, something she couldn't put her finger on. Now, it was starting to become more obvious there was more to Alex than met the eye. 'How do you afford to go abroad?'

'It's a part of my job.'

'Oh.'

'Is that a "yes", then?'

'Hold on...' Piper smiled. 'I've just met you for the first time outside the hospital. I'm not going to hop onto a plane with you the following day. How do I know you're not a serial killer?'

Alex frowned. 'Do I look like one to you?'

'I don't know.'

Placing her glass of wine down, Alex slipped onto the bar stool beside Piper. 'Well, I can tell you that, no, I'm not a serial killer. I don't _lie_, either. When I told you I work for an international drug cartel, I was telling the truth. That's why I'm rarely in one place for a long period of time.'

'What?' Piper stared at her. Was this woman _real_? 'You... sell drugs?' She whispered.

Alex nodded once.

'Like, _real_ drugs?' Piper gaped. 'Wh–– How? Why?'

'Why not?'

'Uh... maybe because it's _illegal_?'

'Only illegal if you get caught, kid. I can tell you were the goody-two shoes at school.'

Piper opened her mouth to retort, then quickly closed it. Alex was a drug dealer? The person she had been treating for the past few weeks was a _drug dealer_? Alex, her tuberculosis patient who she had confided in, _kissed_, was a fucking drug dealer? 'Oh no.' Piper shot to her feet. 'Oh no. I should not be talking to you.'

'What's your problem?'

'I don't want to be taken to prison.'

'You won't get taken to prison by _talking_ to me, kid. Anyway, who said anything about prison?'

'My fiancé's dad is a lawyer.'

Piper wasn't sure why she said that. 'Is he really?'

'Yeah. So...' The blonde fidgeted. 'You're stupid, because I could tell him that I've just met a criminal.'

'Okay. Go ahead,' Alex smirked, sipping more wine.

She wasn't scared. She wasn't anything. Not the least bit bothered. 'I can't believe you work for a drug cartel.'

'International.'

'You're going to brag about it now?'

'Sit down. Your food is nearly ready.'

Jarring her teeth, Piper tried to think of an excuse to leave, but as much as her morality told her to run, she wanted to stay. Hesitantly, the doctor returned to her stool, gave Alex a look, and went back to sipping her drink. 'Did you come here _alone_, then?'

'I have a couple of friends in the back room. Want to meet them?'

'Not particularly. Meeting one drug dealer is enough.'

'Not everyone I hang around with shares the same job as I. Unlike you doctors, normal people socialise with those outside their career.'

'Did you just refer to yourself as _normal_?'

'It's funny to see a doctor out of the hospital. They look so uncomfortable.' She chuckled to herself.

Piper cocked a brow. Turned to her. And there was a moment when she enjoyed the attention Alex gave her. She felt important, even wanted. Alex liked being around her, and it was nice that the feeling was mutual. The drug business certainly put Piper on edge, but if she managed to look past that, she actually liked Alex. A lot. She liked Alex a lot, and now the woman was here, back in her life again, Piper thought there wouldn't be much harm in getting to know her. Her food arrived, and it smelt amazing.

Immediately her mouth started watering and she would have happily plunged her face into the meal if she didn't have company.

Eyes still on Alex, Piper smiled a little. 'Who _are_ you?'

'You know the basic details about me already.'

'Yeah, but what else do I need to know about you?'

'I like to read. I read pretty much the majority of my free time.' Piper was aware of this. Every time she stepped into the ward Alex was in, the other woman had a book in her hands. 'Most men are scared of me, which I'm quite proud about.' Piper's smile broadened. 'I went to school. Dropped out because I couldn't do exams. In fact, I didn't try. Wasn't for me.'

'Okay.'

Alex squinted, eyes trailing to the bar in thought. 'That's not accurate, actually. I spent more time at the hospital than school, so didn't really have much of a chance. Fortunately, out of very odd circumstances, I landed with the job I have now. Got a building reputation within the drug ring, kid. Take note.'

'I will. If doctoring doesn't work out for me, I know who to contact.'

'I'm single, live alone. House is usually empty anyway because I'm never there.' Alex's eyes met hers, and Piper flushed. 'What else do you want to know?'

She exhaled shakily. Turned to her food. 'Nothing else.'

'Your turn, kid.'

Taking a bite out of her meal, Piper straightened and thought about what to say. 'I'm engaged––'

'Oh. You never mentioned that before.'

'Fine. I have a family: a brother, a mum and dad. I went to Smiths University to study medicine. Currently in my first year as an intern, and I lost two patients the other day which I still haven't got over. I was a straight A student, which I am reminded of every day of my life. Men aren't very scared of me. I don't know if that's because I like them. My best friend is also an intern, but I met her years ago, when we were both in school. I live with my fiancé, in a house, which is never empty.'

She ate some more food, shrugged. Looked at Alex whose expression was illegible.

'What else do you want to know?'

'Do you like your job?'

'Mostly. When my patients stay alive, it's nice. I like it even more when my patients aren't assholes.' She gave Alex a knowing look. 'I've always wanted to be a doctor. Just felt like the right thing to do.'

'Same.'

A pause. Piper laughed. 'I'm glad you followed your dreams.'

Suddenly Alex's mobile started ringing. Politely, Piper turned away and continued to eat her meal. Alex answered, slipped off the stool and proceeded for the exit in order to get some privacy. While she was gone, Piper hurriedly finished her food, but she felt a knot tighten in her stomach. She had a bad feeling the person Alex was speaking to was associated with the drug ring.

When Alex returned, Piper swallowed her last bite and paid the barman.

'Heading off?' Alex queried, and Piper swore she caught a hint of disappointment in her tone.

'Yeah.'

'Got any plans?'

'No. Just lie in bed until I fall asleep. Larry won't be here until tomorrow.' She took her bag and slung it over her shoulders.

'Me and a few others are heading to a nightclub. You're free to join.'

'I...' Piper sighed. 'I don't do nightclubs.'

'You'll like this one. Come on.' Alex gestured with her hand for Piper to follow. 'Just for an hour.'

There were several choices to make. The most right of them was to refuse Alex's invitation, and walk back to her hotel, alone. To obediently wait for Larry to return. Yet another option, the heaviest, was to follow Alex. Go wherever she took her. The night was unknown to her, and it made Piper ripple with excitement. Alex might be trouble, might be dangerous, but Piper couldn't walk away. This danger, this rebellious side to Alex was appealing, alluring even, captivated Piper on the spot.

Heart pounding against her ribcage, Piper nodded. 'All right.'

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**author's note**: Bet you're all chuffed with Piper's decision. I am too! The next update will be soon. I have a lot more inspiration for this story than I did a few chapters ago, so hopefully the next chapter will be as easy to write as this one was. Thank you so much for reading! Also, amazed at the positive feedback for the last chapter. You all make writing such a pleasure. I can't thank you all enough for your constant and awing support for my Vauseman stories. Anyway, enough rambling. See you next time, which will be soon.


	8. Said and Done

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Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>8.<strong>

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Later, Piper would regret her decision.

It was too dark for her to know where she was going. She didn't feel entirely safe so stuck near Alex, her arm bumping into hers as she looked at who was accompanying them. One member was Nicky Nichols, who seemed more amused than anything to witness Piper outside the hospital. The other was a woman of similar age, brown hair, with nicer manners and a kind smile. 'Do you go to a lot of nightclubs then, Piper?' She asked, and Piper couldn't quite pinpoint her accent.

'I went to a few at University,' Piper replied. She heard Nicky snort.

'You seem clever, though. I wouldn't think you'd have the time considering you would be working so much.'

'She needed a breather every now and again, Morello,' Nicky responded, grinning crookedly. The crazy-haired woman walked a few paces in front of Piper, and turned around, walking backwards. 'Now, best if you stick close to Vause or one of us. This place can get pretty packed out.'

The enthusiasm Piper held vanished immediately. She had never been fond of crowds.

'I'll keep an eye on her,' Alex said beside Piper.

'With your _good_ eye,' Nicky taunted, gesturing to her left iris. 'Did you know Vause has a lazy eye? Practically blind.'

'_Kind of_ blind.'

Nicky looked Piper up and down, her grin never faltering. 'Nice dress, Blondie.'

'Nice hair,' Piper replied.

Morello smirked at that. Nicky raised her brows. 'Sweet on the outside, sharp on the inside.' She glanced up at Alex. 'You're a magnet to those chicks.'

'Ignore that,' Alex muttered.

'Guess she's not all bad to look at, though.'

'You can ignore that too.'

Piper complied, but despite the slightly uncomfortable discussion, she had to admit she was enjoying herself. Never would she have hung around with girls like these before, but, tonight, she was curious. She wouldn't have thought that at twenty-four she would be visiting a nightclub with a former patient and two strangers. Of course, she was also a little nervous. If Alex wanted, she could ditch Piper on the spot, so Piper had to be careful, watch her back. God knew what would happen.

As they were nearing the club, Piper was ambushed by two men, around her age. When one of them got close, she could smell alcohol off his breath and she nearly gagged. The other wolf-whistled, and it was clearly aimed at Piper, who had, unfortunately, dealt with behaviour like this before. 'Hey, babe, where you headed?' One of them men asked, his hand far too close for Piper's liking.

Before she could tell him to go fuck himself, she felt someone take her hand and gently, but without enough force, yank her back out of the man's reach. 'Nowhere where you're going, shit dick.' Piper stared, and wasn't sure what amused her more. The fact Alex had stepped in to protect her, or her rather predictable insulting name. However, it worked. The creep who tried to grab Piper was a couple of inches shorter, and knew better than to get into a fight with a woman, especially one at 5"10 who would happily make a mess of his face if he antagonised her. He swore at her, grabbed his friend by the arm, and walked away.

'Shit dick,' Nicky chortled, glancing at Piper. 'Do you like dick, Blondie?'

Piper's smile fell. She looked at her in astonishment.

'Well, you _are_ engaged to a guy, plus your name is _Piper_.'

This woman was something else. Piper didn't offer a response, and felt relief when Nicky lost interest, took Morello by the hand and proceeded into the nightclub together. From where Piper stood, she could tell it was packed. A mix of sober and drunk people flocked the entrance, far too interested in their company to notice anyone exiting or leaving. She turned to Alex, and, for a moment, was worried she was still angry. However, in the dim light she could see the navy-haired woman smiling crookedly.

'It takes a while to warm up to her,' she said, referring to Nicky.

Alex brushed past and Piper followed. The closer they got to the entrance, the louder the music became. The ground shook beneath her feet, and with each beat, Piper felt her body vibrate. She could already smell sweat, alcohol and an atmosphere that was heavy with heat and sex. Living a sheltered life had done her well in some areas, but not in others. The clubs Piper went to weren't like this. Yet she was excited. It didn't even occur to her Alex had grabbed her hand, and was pulling Piper through the crowds, up to the bar. Once they were there, Alex released Piper's hands and ordered two drinks. Piper had no idea what they were.

'You ever had a shot before?' Alex asked, having to raise her voice so Piper could hear over the loud music.

'I think so,' Piper responded.

Alex faced the bartender again. Piper wasn't able to decipher what she was saying, but it all became clear when Alex brought Piper closer to the bar. Two shot glasses were placed before them, and some sort of liquid was poured into each. 'Don't look so worried, kid.'

Looking at her, Piper smiled a little. 'I'm not worried.'

Passing Piper her shot glass, they _clink_ed them together, and Piper followed Alex's example. She downed the shot glass all in one. A hot, bitter, yet fruity taste scorched her mouth and down her throat. Gasping, she slammed the glass back down onto the bar. Alex ordered another two shots. Piper laughed, and she wasn't sure why. Maybe because she was excited. After all, it had been some time since had done anything like this. Or maybe it was because Alex was so calm and _used_ to this sort of atmosphere. Piper felt excited, and the dance floor was becoming more and more tempting to approach.

Together, they downed a second short, then a third. The next was on fire. Literally.

Piper shuffled up closer to Alex as the bar got more crowded. She felt Alex's arm snake around her waist, and, at first, it seemed platonic. Piper didn't think anything of it. Somehow, Alex had managed to involve herself in a short conversation with another customer and the barman. Piper listened, amazed to find they were discussing _politics_. And what they had to say was fascinating. Piper felt a tad guilty for assuming people who hung around here lacked in such intellect. Clearly she was wrong.

The conversation didn't last though. Alex had either lost interest or must have remembered she had company. When her arm slipped from around Piper's waist, Piper felt disappointed for some reason, but said nothing of it. 'Do you come here often then?' She queried, cautiously taking a sip from her alcoholic beverage. It tasted surprisingly good.

'Not really.' Alex swept her fringe to the side, her eyes dark behind her glasses. 'I rarely go to places like these, actually.'

This was a shock. 'Oh.'

'No time,' Alex shrugged. 'Guess that's the same for you too, kid.'

'Piper.'

'What?'

And she thought back to when they first met, when Piper had mixed up Alex's chart and insisted her patient refer to her as a doctor. For some reason, it brought a smile to her face, 'My name is Piper.'

She wasn't sure if Alex might take this the wrong way. Even though her glasses hid her face slightly, she didn't look offended. For the most part, her expression was illegible. 'Okay then, Piper.' It was odd to hear Alex say her name, but it rolled off her tongue effortlessly. Piper frantically had a few gulps of her drink, hoping the alcohol would erase these strange sensations crawling from her stomach. It shouldn't matter so much what Alex called her. _She's just a patient_. 'As long as I don't have to call you doctor, we're cool.'

'Doctor? When I'm off duty?' Piper cringed. 'No, thank you.'

'So, you said your fiancé is meeting you tomorrow, right?'

'Yes.'

'Okay.' Alex grinned. 'Then you're all mine tonight.' She had some of her drink, and missed the opportunity to see Piper blush a little. However, the blonde smiled. For one night, she wouldn't mind spending it with Alex. Her confidence and easygoing nature managed to put Piper at ease, and she could see herself enjoying this evening.

For another half an hour, the two women discussed a variety of things; topics Piper wouldn't really remember the following morning. Alex always had something interesting to say. She was smart, well-read, and her intelligence was a pleasure to dig into. When Piper asked her opinion on modern medicine, Alex's response was a surprise. The older woman didn't trust modern medicine so much. She had lived on it for most of her life, but she preferred alternative medicine, the more spiritual kind which focussed on emotion, on the mental health of a person than their body. She said modern medicine seemed to detach the body from the soul, when it shouldn't. Those two went hand in hand. In order to heal the body, the mind/soul must be healed first.

While she listened, Piper continued to down more and more of her drink, too interested in what Alex was saying than to concentrate on how much liquor she had. By the time they got bored with conversation and joined the majority who were dancing to the loud, vibrating music, Piper wasn't tense. The alcohol she had, along with the shots and tequila she downed before coming here had made her good and sloshy. Another side of her started to show which Alex seemed to like. She teased more, laughed easier, and the ring on her fourth finger was erased. Piper felt like a student again, all the work at the hospital and the two deaths she caused –– for tonight, they didn't exist.

Due to the heavy crowd, Alex and Piper were pushed up against each other. The blinking lights and the loud music seemed to heighten Piper's senses. She could feel Alex's breath on her lips, feel Alex's hands accidentally brush over her arm, abdomen; Piper felt dizzy, and she couldn't stop smiling. She was having too much fun, but she didn't care. For the first time in years, she was happy to shrug off responsibility. Something about Alex made her feel _all right_ with what she was doing; she didn't feel bad, didn't feel she was going to be judged. More to the point, she felt safe, felt like the safest girl in the world.

God. It was stupid. But, fuck. Piper didn't give a damn.

The alcohol kicked in. Piper wasn't drunk, but definitely tipsy. Without a doubt, Alex was the same. The music seemed to get louder, the room got stuffier, there was less room to move, but somehow the two women made the most of it. In fact, even in the tight space, they managed to move around as much as they needed to.

Everything was in flashes. Red, pink, blue, white. The lights were wild, unpredictable, and Alex was everywhere. On her hips, on her shoulders, her fingertips accidentally brushing over her face, passed her lips. Piper felt her body press against hers, and she brought her arms around Alex's neck, wasn't sure if the loud beats were Alex's heart or the music. It was fast. A blur. Piper was sweating a little, and Alex's heat burned her flesh. She raised her head to look at her. Alex pressed a hand to her waist, had stopped smiling.

'Let's get out of here.'

Piper held onto Alex's hand tightly as the older woman guided her out of the heavy crowds, and she nearly slipped on some spilt alcohol. She was out of breath, losing her balance, and she needed fresh air. As soon as they stepped out of the club, Piper felt better. The cold air felt amazing on her body and she inhaled deeply, sobering up fast. She looked over at Alex and couldn't quite understand why she felt such a strong impulse to touch her again, feel her hands on her body. But she wanted to. She wanted to.

'You wanna head back to your hotel?'

'Fuck no,' Piper smirked.

Alex cocked a brow. 'Good.' She pulled out a roll-up and it didn't occur to Piper she was about to smoke a cigarette until the drug was in her mouth.

'No!' Piper grabbed the cigar from her. 'You do know you shouldn't be _smoking_. You've just recovered from TB.'

'I was just going to have one puff.'

'No puffs,' Piper said, throwing the cigar to the floor and squashing it with her heel. 'I'm not going to carry a bucket around in case you start throwing up blood again. Mind, you have had _way_ too much alcohol.'

'And _you_ haven't?' Alex sniggered, aware how Piper was getting closer and closer to her.

'I can stomach it all.'

'Clearly.'

There was a pause. A pause in which Piper remembered why she was here, who she was with, and who she _should_ be with. There was a moment when she looked at Alex, remembered who she was, but the moment didn't last. Piper kissed her, and her kisses were wet, hot, sloppy, her tongue pushing against Alex's lower lip, begging for entrance. Alex cooperated, and they shared open mouthed kisses together; Piper felt Alex's hands on her hips, up to her waist, smoothing around her back, up her spine. Alex tasted of so many wonderful things: alcohol, something fruity and bitter, and fire. Piper exhaled into her mouth when Alex nipped tenderly at her lower lip.

_Yes. Yes._

_Oh God, yes_.

Piper was already throbbing, aching for more. She moaned breathily, her hands running through Alex's black hair, squeezing, pulling gently––

When Alex broke the kiss suddenly, Piper widened her eyes, at first distraught, then worried she had done something wrong. However, flustered, Alex took her hand and without an explanation, she led her towards one of the taxis waiting a few metres away. Heart pounding, Piper hurried into the passenger seat, and Alex followed. Alex told their destination to the driver which Piper guessed was where Alex was staying. As much as she wanted to touch Alex again, kiss her, feel her tongue in her mouth, Piper remained put.

She tried to catch her breath, but she was dizzy, and she knew this wasn't related to the alcohol. Piper tried to distract herself, tried to refrain herself, and glanced out of the window. However, her attention was instantly diverted when she felt Alex prod a finger to the side of her thigh. Piper looked at her, swallowed, then glanced down to her finger. An easy, faint smile was on Alex's lips as her finger trailed over the curve of Piper's thigh, then brought her hand towards Piper's crotch, before pushing up. Piper inhaled sharply. She felt a shot of heat from where Alex pressed her hand against, could feel her body trembling, desperate.

But, all too soon, Alex retreated her hand. So dazed and blown away, Piper didn't realise they had already arrived. Alex paid the taxi driver. What happened next was so fast. Piper was drowning, gasping for Alex to hold her. The older woman escorted Piper towards the hotel. It was fairly similar to Piper's. Grand, expensive. Too much. Too much. Piper's other hand clung to Alex's sleeve. They ran up the staircase, and then started giggling, feeling rebellious and naughty. They were like teenagers, running towards danger and loving every second of it. Piper adored Alex's smile, adored how her cheeks had reddened from her arousal, and she adored how Alex looked at her, as if she was the centre of everything, as if she was the very reason she was smiling.

When they reached Alex's floor, and Alex had stuffed her hand into her pocket, searching for her key, Piper took this as an opportunity to start kissing her again. Her lips were aggressive, and she was hungry, her kisses hard, fast, and no matter where she put her hands on Alex's body, it wasn't enough. Alex fumbled for the lock, lips still attached to Piper's, and managed to unlock the door and kick it open, her foot shutting it once they were through. She didn't bother switching on the lights.

The two women fumbled with each other's clothes in the darkness. Piper moaned, feeling Alex's mouth on her neck, kissing down to her collarbone. The blonde's breath was hot against Alex's ear, and it took everything in her to not rip open Alex's shirt. Instead, her shaking hands worked their way to unbutton her shirt, but when she reached the last one, Piper lost patience. They had to break their kiss in order for Piper to pull the shirt up and above Alex's head, but as soon as she was free, Piper lips were on hers again, her hands through her hair, then down to her bare skin. Piper nearly tripped over something on the floor, but Alex's arms around her waist stopped her from falling. She felt Alex's hands move to her shoulders, gently ushering her to the bedroom.

'I've never done this before,' Piper breathed against her mouth.

Alex heard her, but didn't respond. She already knew.

The cardigan slipped off.

And the zip to her dress became undone. It fell from her shoulders, slid past her hips, down her legs, crumpled to the floor. Piper was overwhelmed, already struggling to stay quiet. They hadn't even started yet and she was moaning, gasping. Never had she felt so much in one go. She didn't know how to control herself, didn't know what to do with her hands which couldn't keep off Alex's body. Piper kissed her passionately, her hand reaching for Alex's bra strap, which she tried to unclip, but everything was so blurred, so rushed. She gave up, pulling down a strap from her shoulder instead, smiling when she felt Alex skilfully unclip Piper's bra, allowing it to free her breasts. Piper exclaimed a little when she felt Alex's hands on her chest, and in a matter of minutes, her back was on the mattress, Alex straddling her, kissing Piper below the earlobe, then her neck again, sending kiss after kiss down her body. To her collarbone, the space between her breasts, her tummy––

'Alex!'

Piper clenched the bed sheet. Arched her back. Closed her eyes.

Effortlessly, Alex slipped away Piper's panties, and Piper was helpless. She watched as Alex took off her glasses, placed them aside. Braced herself, her body rippling with excitement, uncertainty.

'Oh!' Piper raised herself to her elbow when she felt a sudden sharp, hot sensation build up from her core. She couldn't see what was happening, but could _feel_ Alex's tongue rub against the entrance to her flower. '_Oh_.' Piper fell back, gasped, held her breath when Alex pushed her tongue further into her folds, pressing at all the right spots. She ran her tongue upwards, hitting Piper's clit, causing the younger woman to exclaim. To Piper's agonising pleasure, Alex sucked on that spot, gripping Piper's thighs, feeling her shiver, tremble, struggle. Piper wasn't quiet. She never was a quiet lover, but this–– _this_, whatever this was, was fucking torture.

Piper pulled at the bed sheet, grasped the edge of the mattress, moaned, tossing her head to the side, her body tensing with each amazing push of Alex's tongue. Piper swore, murmured Alex's name, continued to moan breathlessly, and it didn't take long for Piper to reach her climax. She exclaimed, arching her back, straining under the pleasure thundering through her, before collapsing altogether.

Finally, everything settled.

Piper closed her eyes, catching her breath. She felt Alex raise herself, before kissing her lips. Despite her exhaustion, Piper responded with equal passion, her leg intertwining with hers, feeling Alex's chest rub against her own. It only sent another jolt throughout Piper's body, only made her throb and ache again. Piper held Alex's face between her hands, kissed her cheek, and their noses touched while they recovered. 'Oh my God,' Piper's voice was a whisper, still catching her breath.

'Horrible, wasn't it?'

'The worst.'

They kissed again.

'You're bad at that,' Piper teased, pushing Alex in for another kiss. 'Can I do you?'

Alex sniggered. 'You don't have to ask.'

'It's just that I've never... really...' Piper swallowed, watching while Alex lifted herself off Piper to lean on her side, propping herself on one elbow. Piper stopped talking, and felt the tips of her ears burn in embarrassment. It was bizarre she felt awkward about what she needed to confess. 'I've just never...'

'Gone down on a woman before?'

'I mean... _no_.'

At first, Alex looked mildly surprised then she laughed. 'Shocker.'

'It's that obvious?'

She shrugged, but her smirk confirmed she was expecting Piper to be new to all of this. In a way, it soothed Piper slightly. There was nothing to hide. 'You could have fooled me,' she joked, 'So, are you ready to take the plunge? So to speak.' Piper smiled and kissed her lips, effortlessly overcome with a desire to touch her again, even if she still hadn't got her head around how she even got here in the first place. Her hand ran through Alex's hair as they continued to kiss, but they disturbed when Alex's mobile starting ringing. '_Fuck_,' Alex said, reluctantly pulling out of Piper's hold. Obediently, Piper waited, watching the older woman pick up the phone, flick on the light. She squinted at the screen, then put her glasses on. '_Fuck_. What time is it in Amsterdam?'

'I have no idea,' Piper sighed.

'Uh...' Alex straightened, snatching her shirt which had been carelessly thrown to the floor. '... I got to make a call. Don't go anywhere.' She leaned in to kiss Piper again, but the blonde pulled her in for another before she got away. Alex smiled, and managed to break the buss, pulling on her shirt and leaving the bedroom. 'Would you like some water? You can get some from the bathroom.'

'Is that a part of it? Hydration?' Piper asked, watching Alex until she was out of sight, rounding the corner into the tiny kitchen.

Frankly, Piper was thirsty. She rolled onto her side, rested against Alex's pillow, before pulling off the sheets and entering the bathroom. There was already an empty glass in there, and she poured herself some cold water, before taking gradual sips. Now she was alone, she was able to figure out what had happened. She was still trembling slightly after what took place, but wasn't afraid or worried. Piper felt great, amazing –– she had never felt so good in her life. For a moment, she lived in blissful ignorance; a life which didn't belong to her.

Downing the rest of her water, she rinsed out the glass, and was about to return it when she saw two toothbrushes on the mantlepiece. Two toothbrushes. One blue, the other pink. Piper froze. Frowned. She raised her gaze to the tiny cupboard above the sink. Piper opened it, hoping to just find toiletries for one, but her heart dipped into her stomach. To her horror, she saw two of everything. Two flannels, two bottles of mouth wash, two deodorant bottles, two hairbrushes–– all the blood from Piper's head seemed to drain away.

She thought back to the brunette who visited Alex in the hospital. The "sort of" friend. Juliet.

Then she thought about Larry.

Larry.

Oh God.

_Larry_.

Numb, Piper slowly left the bathroom. She stared at the bed where she had made love to Alex only minutes ago.

_What have I done?_

Horror. Guilt. Terror.

Shame.

Piper pulled on her dress, zipped it up. She had to get out of here, she had to get the fuck out of here. She grabbed one of her shoes, but couldn't find the other. Growling in frustration, Piper looked under the bed, beneath the sheets; it was nowhere. _Fuck, fuck, fuck_.

'Piper?'

The blonde swivelled around and saw Alex in the doorway, holding her mobile. Piper didn't know what to say. She was speechless. Embarrassed. _So fucking guilty_.

'What are you doing––?' Alex came over, reached out.

'Don't touch me,' Piper snapped, to which Alex instantly flinched. 'I can't find my fucking shoe.'

'What are you doing?' Alex asked again, her voice heavier, more demanding.

Piper wasn't in the mood to be given attitude. She glared at her, 'Getting out of here!'

'Why?'

'There are two toothbrushes in your bathroom.'

Alex blinked. Then her face was clouded in guilt, surprise. 'What?'

'You have _two toothbrushes_, Alex!'

'I...' Alex stood helplessly as Piper continued to find her remaining shoe. 'It's complicated.'

'Yeah, obviously!'

A pause.

'This is so fucked up,' Piper said.

'I'm sorry. I should have said something––'

'You think?!'

'I honestly didn't think we'd get to this stage so fast. I mean, I liked you when you were my doctor, and I wasn't expecting to see you at the bar, and then when you decided to come with me, I––'

'Okay, _stop_.' Piper turned to her, red in the face. 'You're just making it worse.'

Alex passed Piper her cardigan.

'Thanks,' she muttered, snatching it from her.

'Did you find your other shoe?'

'... no.'

Piper moved towards the door.

'You can't walk back without your shoes!' Alex snapped, but her anger wasn't necessarily directed at Piper. Just at the situation, how fucking stupid she was to leave _another toothbrush_ in the bathroom. Piper turned to look at her, and Alex fumbled with her words. She wanted Piper to stay, just wanted to explain what was going on. 'They're nice... shoes.'

'They're from Marshals.' Piper glanced at her only shoe, then threw it to the ground. Now she was pissed off, pissed off at Alex, pissed off at Larry, and pissed off at herself. Grabbing the door handle, she pulled the door closed, 'Fuck you!' She didn't wait, didn't hover around in case Alex might come after her. Bare foot, Piper stormed out of the hotel, ignoring the peculiar look the receptionist gave her.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck_.

She called for a taxi.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck_.

Sitting in the backseat, Piper caught her breath. She told the taxi driver to take her to her hotel. Get her far away from here. Far, far away from fucking Alex. _Fuck_. Fuck! What had she done? Cheating on Larry was low. So fucking low, Piper would never forgive herself. But having an affair with a woman who was already involved with someone else? Piper sat, amazed, shocked, horrified.

_What have I done?_

**.**

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	9. Best Kept Secret

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Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>9.<strong>

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'––but, honestly, they were the size of full blown balloons.'

It was cold. Snow delicately fell to the ground, and the breeze was bitter and nippy. Their little hike wasn't disturbed, though. As long as the snow refused to stick, they would be fine. Alex peered over her shoulder to admire the view, and already she could see the city below, houses barely recognisable they were now so far away. Facing forwards again, she continued walking, Nicky following on from behind, hardly appreciating what was around her.

For the past hour, Nicky had been talking non-stop. Which was no surprise. Once something had got Nicky into a talkative mood, nothing stopped her. This morning, Alex wasn't sure what had triggered Nicky's tiresome rants, but she had a hunch Lorna Morello had something to do with it. Whenever Nicky was hurt by her not-so-secret love, she always took it badly, very badly, even when Lorna had no intention of harming her feelings.

'No, more like –– y'know –– fucking _melons_. Big and round, and juicy. Fucking surprise she was able to walk around with those weighing her down––'

Alex soon reached a relatively large hill up ahead, and wasted no time to climb up it. Nicky followed, unnerved and unaware about how out of breath she was. Clearly the topic of her one-sided conversation had absorbed her in completely.

'––would have nearly _suffocated_ if she got any closer. Those fucking balloons were just bouncing and bouncing––' Nicky cringed, '––Don't get me wrong, Vause, I'm all for them, but sometimes it just gets too much. Real glad I won't be seeing her again, though. I mean, apart from those fantastic basketballs, she wasn't _that_ good anyway––'

Reaching the top of the hill, Alex turned to examine the view. It was better than she imagined. Who knew a view of a city could be such a sight? Nicky soon trudged up to where she was standing, and together they caught their breath. Thankfully, Nicky was now looking at the scenery, but her mouth was still moving and wasn't going to stop moving anytime soon.

'––They kind of reminded me of these balloons I found behind the sofa once. Big and puffy, but real soft to touch when––'

'Nichols?'

'Yeah?'

'Will you stop talking about _tits_?'

Finally, silence. However the longer they stood there, admiring what nature had to offer, the more disturbed Nicky became. Alex _never_ went on walks. _Ever_. And whenever she did go on walks, it only meant bad news. She was either letting off steam, or tiring herself out so she wouldn't have the energy to ponder over what was wrong. Today it was probably both. Wisely, Nicky hadn't asked what was the matter but, now, gazing at the view, she couldn't wait any longer.

Turning to face her, Nicky stared for a while, then said, 'What else do you wanna talk about then?'

'Nothing.'

'Bullshit. You didn't drag me all the way up here for _nothing_, Vause.' A pause. 'Wait.' She cracked a grin. 'What _did_ happen between you and Doctor Barbie last night? I saw you and her skipping off into the sunset at, like, three in the fucking morning. Don't tell me you two did the _naughty_ together?' At first, Nicky was being sarcastic, but when her friend didn't offer a response, she widened her eyes. 'Oh my God. _Oh my God_.'

Alex didn't offer a response. Instead, she sat down and crossed her legs, preferring to stare at the view instead of Nicky. She didn't think she could manage seeing Nicky's expression of pure delight at the fact Alex slept with _her doctor_.

'... why are you so grumpy?' Nicky knelt beside her. Frowned. 'Vause?'

'Yeah?'

'Was it bad? I mean, was _she_ bad?'

'No.'

'Couldn't you make her cum?'

'It had nothing to do with her,' Alex snapped.

'... wait, did _you_ not cum?'

Alex pulled a face.

'Was it really awkward?' Nicky averted her gaze. 'Is she a man?'

'I just said it's got nothing to do with her,' Alex replied. Her patience was limited this morning, but she knew shouting at Nicky wasn't going to help. Raising her glasses above her head, Alex faced the other woman. 'She saw another toothbrush.'

'Eh?'

'I had two toothbrushes,' Alex raised her brows. 'Which implied I wasn't _alone_.'

'Oooh.'

'Yeah.'

'Ah.'

'Piper didn't take to that all too well.'

'No.' Nicky cringed. 'I suppose not.' She frowned again. 'Hold on, isn't she, like, engaged to some fancy prick? What is she doing sleeping around with you?' Alex shrugged. Nicky slumped her shoulders, and her expression changed to mild sympathy. 'That's rough, man. Does she hate you now?'

'I didn't have a chance to ask her before she stormed out,' Alex muttered.

'You going to tell your girlfriend?'

'About _Piper_? Are you fucking kidding me? It's not as if we're faithful to one another in the first place, plus you know what our relationship is like.'

'Fucking miserable. Aw, shame about you and Blondie. You both seemed kinda cute. I mean, if you totally dig the whole straight thing going on with Chapman.'

This was when Alex started to ask herself _why_ she invited Nicky on this stroll with her. Although Nicky was a good listener, she tended to come out with the worst comfort lines. Alex pulled out a roll-up from her pocket and straightened it out, before propping it between her lips. She offered Nicky one, and lit them both. After a heavy drag, Alex said, 'I'm going to dump her.'

'Juliet? About fucking time.' Nicky inhaled on her cigarette. 'Then what? Going to chase after Blondie? I think straight girls like it if you have flowers, and you're holding a stereo over your head in front of her house. Oh, and write out a corny poem that somehow relates to her. They're all over that.'

'I'm not chasing after Piper. And you know a fuck load about what straight women like.'

'Tell me about it,' Nicky sniggered, propping her cigarette into her mouth. 'Straight girls, man.' She shook her head. 'They'll fuck you up every time.'

Groaning, Alex lay back into the grass and continued to puff on her roll-up. Even if Nicky would advise otherwise, Alex was not going to pursue Piper. What happened last night was messy and, frankly, Alex was just too guilty to confront her. It had been low. Of course Piper wasn't an angel herself, considering she cheated on Barry or Harry or whatever his fucking name was. But Alex already knew about him. She, however, didn't have the decency to inform Piper she was also involved. Not like it mattered to Alex. Her relationship with Juliet was nothing special. She didn't love her, she barely felt anything for her.

Juliet shouldn't have come away with her to begin with. It was more a spur of the moment thing. Apparently she was feeling lonely, missed Alex, and wanted to spend time with her. Alex let her come along, but once Juliet realised her girlfriend lacked interest in her, she decided to spend the night with some people she met at the bar. Due to the fact Juliet didn't return to the hotel last night, Alex safely guessed she had found someone's else's bed to snuggle up in. Fucking bitch. And here Alex was, moping about some blonde chick who ran for the hills at the mere sight of another fucking toothbrush. _Fuck those toothbrushes_.

As soon as Alex got back, she was getting rid of hers. She hated pink anyway.

**.**

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**.**

By the time Larry arrived the guilt had sunk in completely, and Piper found it hard to look him in the eye. She asked if he got the promotion, to which he enthusiastically responded with a "yes". Piper wasn't sure if she sounded too excited, if she was trying too hard to act like nothing had happened last night, but she hugged him all the same, grinning ear-to-ear. Yet when he asked how her night had been, Piper stiffened, 'Uh.'

Larry frowned, chuckling slightly. 'No, wait, let me guess. Knowing you, you probably ate somewhere nice and then came back to read. Right?' As if searching for confirmation, Larry looked for a novel nearby, but, of course, didn't find one.

'I was so tired,' Piper said quickly. 'I just fell straight to sleep when I got back.'

The latter was true. Despite her anger and betrayal and guilt and self hatred, Piper collapsed as soon as she reached her own bed. As much as she didn't want to admit it, Alex was an _amazing_ lay, and managed to knock Piper out the moment her head hit the pillow. It was a harsh truth on Larry, but Piper had never felt the way Alex made her feel. She had orgasmed before, but the orgasm she had with Alex was just–– fuck, was it even _real_?

Urgh.

Piper couldn't believe she thought that.

'I know your shift starts at three, but d'you wanna get breakfast somewhere?'

'I'd love to,' Piper said, and they kissed briefly. 'The hotel, here, has nice cereal, or were you thinking something more on the lines of _bacon_?'

'And scrambled eggs?'

'And baked beans?' Piper moaned.

'And my dick rubbing against your ass?'

Piper widened her eyes. 'What.'

'Sorry. I just missed you last night.' Larry smirked, wrapping his arms around her waist.

'Don't say that when we're downstairs. I'm glad you missed me, though, because I missed you.'

'You know, I was a little worried you might meet someone else and swan off with him.'

'Nope,' Piper sighed, leaning her head against his chest. 'There was no him to swan off with last night.'

_Fuck_. Fuck. Fucking _fuck_. Trying to act cheery and casual wasn't helping. Piper couldn't shake off this horrible feeling. She was a bitch. A lying, cheating bitch and she did not deserve Larry holding her in his arms, treating her to English breakfasts. She could run away from the truth as much as she liked, but she _did_ sleep with Alex last night. She kissed her first, too, although, really, it was Alex who initiated they take it to the fucking bedroom. What a bitch. And what a _skank_ for having more than one mother fucking toothbrush.

Who did that? Really?

Piper scowled.

'Where are your shoes?'

_Shit_.

'The heels broke on both of them,' she replied in a hurry. A smile. 'Threw them away.'

'You can't walk around without your shoes.'

'I'll be fine. You can always carry me.' Now she wanted to slap herself across the face. Fuck Alex Vause. And her amazing tongue that just worked magic. Fuck. 'We'll be driving anyway, so you don't need to worry.'

'Can't help it,' Larry smiled, leaning in for another kiss.

The kiss tasted wrong, felt wrong, _was_ wrong. Piper hated herself even more. Gathering her small bag, the two left the hotel room, handed in their key to the receptionist and made their way towards the café off to the side. For the most part, Piper was happy and enjoyed the fact Larry had so much to say about his work and how far he was coming along already. But whenever he stopped talking in order to eat his food, Piper felt her stomach sink.

She hated lying. Technically, she hadn't lied to Larry. Not much. She knew not telling him about Alex was a mistake, though. And, yet, telling him about Alex seemed like a mistake too. Piper didn't know what to do. She was drowning in guilt. Even if last night had been an adventure, and even if she had a good time (until the fucking toothbrush incident), that didn't change the fact she was a bad person. A horrible person.

Fuck Alex. _Fuck her_. Fuck.

When they left later, full and satisfied, Piper felt tears sting her eyes. She had fucked up, and there was nothing she could do to fix the damage.

**.**

**.**

**.**

The hospital was packed out. Patients were pouring in with broken limbs, fevers and undiagnosed diseases. This managed to brighten Piper's day a little. As long as she got a few good cases, and a few good cases she would be able to treat successfully, then she would wear a smile for the rest of the day. First, though, she had rounds. Polly wasn't in unfortunately; her day-off was today, which both friends were rather miffed to discover. However throughout the day they sent each other the odd text. Piper kept her responses short and brief, not wanting to reveal anything about last night, but she knew she could only hide the details for so long.

What would Polly think about her cheating on Larry? With a woman? Who was her patient? Piper sighed at the chart she was studying. She must be the worst doctor to ever step into this fucking hospital. No doctor with an ounce of dignity would sleep with an ex-patient. Fuck, why did Piper care so much anyway? Alex was no one. She wasn't anyone. Just an accidental one-night stand. She was nothing. _She is nothing_.

One of the nurses called Dayanara, or Daya as she was usually referred to, handed Piper another chart. 'Doctor Healy told me you're fond of drug addicts.' Piper took the chart, rolled her eyes. 'What did you do to get on his rough side?'

'I killed two patients.'

Daya raised her brows. 'Really? In one day?'

'Yep.' Piper pulled a smile. 'I should get an award. A medal. Hopefully it'll just be _one_ patient today.'

'Inspiring.'

'Chapman!' Instantly both women snapped back to their paperwork. Doctor Bennett rounded the corner, and Piper noticed him hold his gaze on Daya for longer than was appropriate before turning his attention to the blonde. Piper focussed on her chart again. 'I hope you had a nice time yesterday, but, in case you haven't noticed, your day off has finished. You're back to work.'

'Yes, sir,' Piper murmured.

'You, of all people, should be working hard, considering how much you screwed up.'

That was harsh. Piper looked at him in disbelief. 'I get it: I killed. I'm a fucking murderer.'

Bennett's jaw clenched. There were so many things wrong with what Piper just confessed he didn't quite know which part to criticise. Behind him, Daya cringed a little, but knew better than to get involved in the doctors' argument. Although, she had to admit, Bennett _was_ acting unfairly. Despite their secret affair, he shouldn't favouritise her. Especially when she deserved punishment as much as Doctor Chapman did.

'Back talk,' Bennett swallowed. 'Congratulations, Chapman. You just earned yourself five more cases.' Horrified, Piper watched as Bennett leaned over the nurse's desk and grabbed five charts from his pile. 'Here. Treat them all. I expect updates every three hours. Fail to do this, then I'll make sure Doctor Healy doesn't just give you the ODed patients.'

'Sir––'

'Get to it. Don't make me give you more hassle, Chapman.'

Charts in Piper's grasp, Bennett brushed past her and turned the corner into another ward. Piper gaped to herself, frozen for a couple of seconds. What the heck just happened? She looked over at Nurse Diaz who had an illegible expression, but it was clear she wasn't all that impressed with what occurred in front of her.

Piper slumped her shoulders. 'Maybe I shouldn't have said I had killed in a hospital.'

'I don't think confessing you were a murderer helped either.'

'Fuck,' Piper whispered. She swivelled around on her heel, and opened up her first chart. The patients Doctor Bennett gave her were nothing thrilling. Piper would much rather be in the waiting room, pulling out potential patients who might have an exciting diagnosis. Instead she was stuck with patients which weren't even hers.

Brilliant.

At least they were a good distraction from her personal life. When Piper was finished with her last patient, she realised she had been standing for a good four hours straight without sitting down. Her legs were aching and she was already burned out. Piper returned her charts and was about to head for the cafeteria to grab a coffee, when she spotted a brunette approaching her. The woman's heel _click_ed against the flat surface, and her hair flowed behind her. She wore cut-off jeans and a fitted, black t-shirt. All of this, added to her height, gave the woman quite an intimidating appearance.

Piper stared at her when she neared. Then stopped before her. The brunette scoffed, 'Are you Piper Chapman?'

Oh.

_Oh_.

Piper widened her eyes. 'And you are?' But she already knew.

'Me? I'm the the girlfriend of the woman who fucked you last night.'

At that, a couple of doctors and nurses turned to look at them. Piper felt her ears burn, and she whipped around to glare at the woman. 'Keep your fucking voice down. Patients are sleeping.'

A snarl, but Juliet was more cooperative than Piper thought. Folding her arms, she eyed Piper up and down, and when she spoke, her voice was lower. 'You want to tell me why Alex decided to end our relationship this morning?'

Then everything just shattered before her. Piper could only watch, her jaw hanging open slightly. Juliet clearly wasn't expecting a response, because she immediately continued.

'Look.' Her expression softened. She sighed, running her hand through her hair. 'I don't know what Alex has told you, but our relationship is complicated. That doesn't mean it can't work out, though. We've had our rough patches, and we still keep falling out and having arguments, but that doesn't mean we won't _work_. Just––' Juliet sighed again. '––Give us a chance, yeah? Please don't... don't go anywhere near Alex again. Don't–– Just don't ruin what we have.'

Piper had nothing to say. The more she listened to Juliet, the more she realised Juliet was like every other girl. Normal. Good. She meant well. She wanted to try again with Alex because she loved Alex, and all she wanted was for Piper to respect that. She wanted Piper to step back. She didn't want Piper destroying what potential Alex and Juliet might have. _Did_ have. And even if this was a good thing, even if shoving Alex out of her life permanently was a good thing, Piper couldn't shake off the feeling that she was being hurt.

Deeply.

Juliet hadn't hit her, smacked her. She had done nothing of the sort. She had used her words, and she had used them kindly, expressing no aggression. She was was just honest and human, admitting her relationship with Alex wasn't perfect, but it could still work.

'I hope you and your fiancé manage to fix things as well, Piper.'

Sharply, Piper looked at her, but she was still quiet, speechless. She hated Juliet for implying she was having problems with Larry, but the more she put her mind into it, the more she realised it was true. This was fucked up. Her day had gone from miserable to _shit_. And she didn't quite understand why. She didn't want Alex. Alex was just trouble and a nuisance, she only seemed to cause more disaster in Piper's life than anything else. Piper didn't love her. She _definitely_ didn't love her.

But why did she feel so fucking _crushed_? Why did Juliet confronting Piper like this hurt so fucking much?

Juliet offered a small smile, turned around and left. She walked elegantly, and she was beautiful, flawless in her every step. Compared to her, Piper looked like a train wreck. She was disgusting, a pitiful sight and an idiot. A fucking idiot.

If there was such a thing called Karma, then it was a bitch.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**Text to**: Polly  
><strong>From<strong>: Piper  
>–– We need to talk. Can I come over later?<p>

**Text to**: Piper  
><strong>From<strong>: Polly  
>–– Come around nine? Got Pete here at the moment. ;)<p>

**Text to**: Polly  
><strong>From<strong>: Piper  
>–– What a whore.<p>

**Text to**: Piper  
><strong>From<strong>: Polly  
>–– Don't worry. It's all PG. Did something happen?<p>

**Text to**: Polly  
><strong>From<strong>: Piper  
>–– Yes. Lots. Get your earplugs ready. There will be a lot of yelling and vagina monologue.<p>

**Text to**: Piper  
><strong>From<strong>: Polly  
>–– I look forward to it.<p>

**.**

**.**

**.**


	10. What She Wants

**.**

**.**

**.**

Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>10.<strong>

**.**

**.**

**.**

The tissues were waiting. Glaring at the blank television screen, Piper inhaled sharply between her teeth, and tried to keep herself as calm as possible. In her raging state, she couldn't speak. She couldn't tell Polly what a _mess_ she had made. Not only had she cheated on Larry with a woman she barely knew, but she had also slept with a woman who was already involved. A woman who was a drug dealer, a criminal and a fucking tuberculosis patient. _Her_ patient. A woman she treated herself.

Before arriving at Polly's, Piper ran through her mind what she could say, and if she should say anything at all. Juliet's confrontation had triggered something. Whatever this something was, it made Piper feel like shit. It nearly made her want to burst into tears. What had she done? What was going on? Did Alex know her girlfriend had approached her? Was Alex even aware that Juliet was keen to commit to their dwindling relationship?

What did Alex know? And how much had she told Piper? She said her relationship with Juliet was complicated. What the fuck did that mean? Complicated, as in they only used each other for sex? Complicated, as in it was an open relationship? Complicated, as in they were considering on ending what they had? Or complicated, as in they loved each other, and found it hard to let each other go, even when it had been established their relationship wasn't going to work?

Damn it. Fuck. If Juliet wasn't nice, if Juliet hadn't provided good reasons for Piper to stay away, then maybe Piper wouldn't be this angry. Maybe Piper wouldn't be this _upset_. Because she could say what she damn well wished about Alex. She could curse her, speak unkindly about her, spread rumours about her, she could be an absolute _bitch_ when it came to Alex Vause, but the heavy truth remained. Piper liked her.

A lot.

So much so, she found it hard to take a step back. She found it hard to not want to find Alex, punch her in the fucking jaw and demand what the hell was going on between them. What was Piper? Just another one-night stand? Another stupid, pathetic, straight girl who wanted to know what it was like to be fucked by another girl? Just a plaything for Alex to enjoy? Did Alex even _like_ her? Fuck. Oh, _fuck_. Piper leaned back into the sofa. Oh, God.

It was disgusting that the only person she could think about was Alex. She hadn't even given Larry a second thought. Larry Bloom, the love of her life, who was trying so _fucking hard_ to find a job with a decent pay. To offer Piper a secure, happy marriage, with the potential of children, a house, white picket fence and garden. A dream. Before, that was what Piper wanted. What she _thought_ she needed. Her mother's constant nagging and ideals had started to rub off on her. Maybe a house, garden and white picket fence wasn't everything after all. Maybe a husband wasn't everything after all.

Maybe Piper was just better off alone.

One day, Larry would discover what happened. Affairs always got out. And even if Piper never met Alex again, even if she married Larry, he would still discover the affair. He would still be hurt, tremendously. He would still look at her and think, "This is the woman I loved, who betrayed me. Who cheated on me." In Piper's mind, nothing was worse than being unfaithful in a relationship. Especially in a marriage. She didn't want to be a cheater, she didn't want to be unsure –– she wanted to be loyal, perfect. Everything impossible.

Piper had spent the majority of her life wishing to please her mother. And, now, her achievements and successes were going to waste.

Yet no matter how much guilt she suffered, how much shame and anger –– Alex would never leave her head. Alex was usually, if not always, constantly on her mind. Be it as a patient, a friend or something much more. This wasn't a crush, this wasn't an admiration or anything of the sort. It was worse. How Piper felt about Alex was confusing.

If Alex were here now, and she asked Piper to be with her, to dump Larry and be with her instead –– Piper would hesitate. But, she would choose Larry. She would always choose Larry because the life he provided was safer. Piper couldn't get involved with a criminal. And she would choose Larry because she knew him better, she felt _safer_ with him around. Alex was too much. With Alex, everything was unplanned, crazy, there wasn't any knowing what would be waiting around the corner.

Plus, she was technically still a patient. Piper couldn't be with a patient, and with good reason. God knew what would happen to Alex in the near future. If she continued to smoke, take drugs, drink alcohol, she wouldn't survive. She was helping her body destroy itself, and that was too much. For Piper, that would be unfair and too much to handle. She didn't want Alex. She didn't want Alex by her side constantly, didn't want Alex to hold her, love her.

'––You ready to talk yet?'

Piper sighed, slumped her shoulders. 'I don't know.'

A pause. Hesitance. Piper looked away from the television, softened her expression. Alex made her feel special, made her feel _alive_. Yes, everything was unplanned, but everything was so exciting too. _She_ was exciting. Everything she did was exciting. Her smile was exciting, that funny, devilish glimmer in her green irises, how her hands _pressed_ against Piper's flesh. How her lips marked her body, had Piper gasping and _moaning_ for more within seconds. How perfect her tongue felt inside her, how her curvaceous, divine form felt against her own. Piper flushed.

The very memory of Alex kissing her, feeling her, her palms against her breasts, shoulders, hips, waist, thighs–– _there_. The memory made Piper flustered, it felt as if all the blood had poured from her head to her groin. Just knowing what Alex could do to her, how _good_ she felt, made Piper blush and throb a little. Urgh. Fuck Alex. Fuck her for being so amazing in bed, and for being such a smart-ass, witty, wonderful woman.

Damn it.

Piper laughed suddenly. Polly gave her an odd look.

'Are you drunk?'

'No,' Piper replied.

When she offered no explanation, Polly started to grow impatient. Groaning, she bent her head back against the settee. 'Okay, I had to kick out my boyfriend so I could talk to you. Piper, I could be getting laid right now––'

'Oh, _God_, Polly!'

'What's wrong, then?' Polly laughed, pleased her friend finally had a satisfying response. 'The last time you needed an emergency bitch talk was when one of your exes cheated on you. So...' Polly's smile fell. Widened her eyes. 'Did Larry cheat on you?'

Piper swallowed. 'No.'

'Did––' Polly frowned. 'Did he do something?'

'... No.'

'Right. Hm. Did _you_ do something?'

'Yes.'

'What did you do?'

_Alex. I did Alex, and I am a whore_. 'Too much.'

'Oh, fuck.'

'I––' Piper inhaled. 'I did a terrible mistake.'

'Pipes.' Polly wasn't smiling anymore. This was serious. This was _shit_. Leaning forwards, she held Piper's gaze for a while, and the concern and worry in her eyes only made Piper feel worse. 'You can tell me. Come on. What happened?'

'I––' Her voice cracked, and Piper realised if she confessed, she would cry. So she stopped herself. She stopped herself, and waited for Polly to push her. Waited for Polly to force it out of her, because she needed to. She _had_ to. Piper had to tell her the truth.

Polly wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and pulled her close. 'There, there. I'm here. Tell me all about it.'

Leaning against her, Piper sighed again. She could already feel a lump forming in her throat and, now, thinking about Larry and Alex was painful. Thinking about what she had done to Larry made Piper so furious. And just _thinking_ about Alex, knowing what they did together, knowing she was out of reach, knowing she was bad for Piper, made the girl want to cry.

All she had to do was memorise that smile again, the way she pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose when feeling awkward.

'I had sex!'

Polly flinched, and stared at Piper when she burst into uncontrollable tears. 'Uh... Jesus, Pipes.' She reached over to grab the box of tissues, and pulled one out, dabbing Piper's moist cheeks. 'Since when did that ever bother you? Unless you were lying the time you texted me you lost your virginity, I don't see why you'd be crying about having sex _now_.'

'No.' Piper sniffled, and looked at her, watery eyed. 'I had _sex_, Polly.'

'Uh...'

'With a person!'

'With––' Polly's left eye twitched. 'You're making my head hurt.'

'With a woman!'

'Oh.'

'With a patient!'

'_Oh_.'

'Well, technically, she's an ex patient... but she's not. She might be my patient again because she keeps forgetting to take her meds and I slept with her, Polly. I slept with somebody else, and her girlfriend is going to burn me alive if I so much as _look_ at her––'

'Whoa, _Piper_––'

'––And I haven't told Larry yet––' Piper broke into an ugly sob again, '––I can't stand hurting him, Polly. I'm such a fuck up. I slept with somebody else. I cheated on my _fiancé_! And she had two toothbrushes,' Piper couldn't stop crying and just to be dramatic, she let out a wail, '_She had two toothbrushes_ and she told me she was single!'

'Oh, my God.'

'I'm going to Hell. I'm going to fry in Hell, aren't I?' Piper wiped her face, sniffed loudly. 'I'm going to Hell and will have to be best friends with _Hitler_ because it's gonna be so fucking lonely down there!'

'Will you _shut the fuck up_?!'

Piper gave her a look, pouted and sobbed quietly. Exhaling, Polly rolled her eyes, held up her hands in an attempt to calm Piper's mood. So much had been said, she didn't know where to start. Although she was used to Piper's drama, that didn't mean it never ceased to amaze her the bullshit her best friend came out with.

Shuffling closer, Polly offered another tissue. 'So, you cheated on Larry with a patient?'

'Yes,' Piper blew her nose.

'Okay. And the patient is a woman.'

'Yes.'

'When did this happen?'

'Last night.'

'Wow. Really?'

'It feels longer.'

Polly raised her brows. 'Right. What's the patient's name?'

The last thing Piper wanted to do was reveal the wretched woman's name, 'Alex Vause,' she choked back a cry.

'You mean––?' Polly widened her eyes. '_Her_?'

'Yeah, her!'

'What the fuck, Piper? Out of all the women to sleep with, you choose Alex Vause? She's a prick. Sarcastic, old lady with TB.'

'She's not _that_ old,' the blonde replied, who had temporarily stopped crying. 'Oh, and I treated her TB.'

Polly shrugged. 'True.' Then she stared at the floor, allowing Piper's crime to sink in. Oh. _Oh, Jesus Christ_. 'Wow. _Wow_. Oh, wow. _Wow_.' Polly looked at her, was about to say something, closed her mouth. Looked back at the floor. '_Wow_––'

'What do I do? Do I tell Larry––?'

'No!'

'No?'

'No. Don't tell Larry. Uh...'

'I'm going to marry him, Polly. I can't _not_ tell him. I can't marry him and have this fucking sin hanging over my head.'

'Let's try and keep religion out of this, please. It'll just get nasty.' Polly ran a hand through her hair, exhaled slowly. 'Okay. For now, don't tell Larry. It was just a one-night stand and you don't even like Alex the way you like Larry, right?' She didn't wait for Piper's answer. 'There's no point in upsetting the man you love. I mean, what good will it do telling him you slept with someone who you'll never meet again?'

It was reasonable logic, Piper decided.

'But, tell me, P. Why did you fuck her?'

This was a question Piper had been asking herself the whole day. Why did she sleep with Alex? Why did she kiss her? Why did Piper come to her? Why Alex? 'I don't know right now.' Piper looked away, wiped a stray tear with the back of her hand. Maybe because Alex simply excited her? That must be it. Or, maybe it was the alcohol? They _had_ been drinking that night.

'If you _do_ see her––' Piper winced, '––ignore her. Don't even _look_ at her.'

'Okay.'

'Pipes, if you don't want to cause problems between you and Larry, then that's all you can do. You have to make a choice: Larry or Alex.'

'She has a girlfriend.'

'Oh... Oh, yes, the toothbrushes.' Polly had no idea what the toothbrush situation was about, but she gathered it was related to the girlfriend issue. 'Fine. I guess Supercunt is out of the picture.'

'Supercunt?'

Polly shrugged. 'Anyone who makes my best friend cry doesn't deserve to be referred to by their proper name. Piper, if she does come back as a patient, then you can transfer her onto my service. You have every right to do that, and if Doctor Healy or another fucking attending asks why, just say we're trading several patients so we have more of a variety.'

Nodding, Piper decided that would be best. Ignore Alex. Pretend she didn't exist, devote herself to Larry, and only Larry. She made a mistake. Arguably, an unforgivable one, but it would be cruel of her to tell Larry about it. Right? Plus, Alex couldn't be hers anyway. She had a girlfriend. A pretty, successful girlfriend who was far better than Piper in so many ways. There was no competition.

If Piper had to choose between Piper and Juliet, she would choose Juliet.

Polly pulled Piper into a hug. 'Just know I still love you.'

'I love you, too.' Piper hugged her back, and rested her head on her shoulder. 'I'm an asshole, aren't I?'

'Yeah,' Polly said. 'But, I don't care.'

Even if she had made her decision, even if she chose Larry –– even if she had made the _right_ decision –– Piper still felt uneasy. Alex was still there, still in her thoughts, and it bothered her. Bothered her so much she felt like throwing up. Alex still made her heart race, still made her palms clammy, still made her feel too many things.

For the rest of the evening, Piper lived in a puddle of regret and shame. Polly let her stay overnight, because she knew Piper couldn't face Larry yet. Seeing him would bring her to tears again. He asked her if she was okay via text, and Piper lied –– everything was fine. Nothing was wrong. _They_ were fine, and they were going to be okay.

Just what had she done?

**.**

**.**

**.**

Neither Polly or Piper were surprised when Larry met them at the hospital the following morning. Polly went on ahead out of respect for their privacy, and Piper wasn't sure if she wanted her to stay. The doctor was taken by surprise when Larry swooped her up into his arms and kissed her hard on the mouth. Piper forced a little smile, but inside she felt as if she had been ripped in two. She didn't deserve to be kissed.

She didn't deserve the bagel he offered her either. But, damn, she was starving and the cereal Polly had was revolting. Her shift was starting soon so she hurriedly stuffed the bagel into her mouth, dropping several crumbs onto the floor. Larry grinned, 'Careful, there. If you eat that too fast it'll come back out the wrong way.'

'I gotta––' Piper decided she should swallow before speaking. Once her food was down, she returned to Larry. 'I got to go. I'll come home tonight.'

'Babe,' Larry said, softening his expression. 'Is this about me not spending time with you on your day off?'

He was serious. Absolutely serious and it broke her heart. 'No. No, it's got nothing to do with you.' He raised his brows. 'I'll––' Piper cleared her throat. 'Look, I have to go. But we'll talk later tonight, okay? My shift finishes at six.'

'Okay.' He smiled reassuringly. 'Don't work yourself too hard.' They kissed, and Piper didn't waste a moment longer. She rushed inside the hospital, and kept her head low.

The locker room was packed with doctors. Someone brushed by, knocking her on the shoulder, and she would have glared at him if she wasn't trying so hard to avoid eye contact. Polly raised a brow at her in question when she arrived, but Piper said nothing. As well as Larry, she couldn't face Polly right now either. She just felt guilty. So fucking guilty.

Scrubs on, hair tied back and stethoscope wrapped around the back of her neck, Piper left the locker room to collect her charts. She skimmed through each, hands shaking, scared she would see _that name_. Fortunately, she didn't find it. She was safe. For the first time in two days, she smiled a little, and it was a real smile. Effortless.

It was sad how overjoyed she was to not find Alex's name.

Before she could reach her fist patient, her attending, Doctor Healy, caught her in the hallway. 'Chapman.' She flinched in surprise, and turned to face him, 'You all right?'

'What? Yes. Yes, sir. Why wouldn't I be?' Piper nearly slapped herself. Subtlety wasn't her strongest suit, and it was very obvious she was not all right. He furrowed his brows, then, after a while, decided to let the topic rest.

Healy passed over a folder. 'This needs to go up to psych. It's for Doctor Barr.'

Not too pleased to be doing the grunt work, Piper reluctantly took the folder. 'Yes, sir.'

'He seems to insist that one of his patients –– Tiffany Doggett –– is medical.' He rolled his eyes. 'Believe me, she is _not _medical.'

Piper nodded slowly. 'Yes, sir.'

'Anyway, did you enjoy your day off? I imagine your boyfriend had plans.'

Perfect. Of all things to talk about. Piper forced a smile. 'Yes. We went to a hotel. It was nice.' It was non-existent, too. Nothing happened between Piper and her boyfriend. Fuck. If Healy found out Piper had slept with a patient, he would sack her so fast her head would still be spinning before she realised what had happened. 'I'll deliver this, sir,' she said, desperate to get out of the conversation.

'See you around, Chapman.'

Relieved to be free, Piper turned around, deposited her charts and headed for the lift. Psych was on the top floor, and she had only been once. There were many stories about what went on in psych and it sounded far from pleasant. Piper had no idea who Tiffany Doggett was, so wasn't able to agree with Doctor Healy if she was medical or not.

The lift reached her desired floor, and she stepped out, proceeding for one of the desks on the left. A doctor was busy filing away, and he didn't notice her, until she spoke, 'Hi, is Doctor Barr here?'

A shrug. 'Who knows?'

Brilliant. It was a doctor with an ego too big for him to handle. Piper smiled sarcastically, 'Thank you so much for your help.' Impatient and pissed off, the blonde searched for another member of staff. She stepped into the hallway and was about to walk down, when she saw a doctor holding the hand of a struggling patient.

She was skinny, small, long brown hair. Piper stared at them both.

'I am not insane! I am _chosen_! I am God's _angel_ sent from _Heaven_ to free you from your dark, twisted sins.' The patient noticed Piper from afar, and frowned, giving her a funny look. Piper looked away when she saw the lack of teeth, and how the doctor dragged her into her ward.

'Can I help?'

Piper jumped in surprise and turned around. A tall, handsome man was looking down at her with a raised brow. 'Yes. I'm looking for Doctor Barr?'

'He's just on break. Is that for him?'

Handing over the folder, Piper nodded. 'Regarding a patient called Tiffany Doggett.'

'Ah. You just met her. Charming, isn't she?'

'You mean... the apostle who went down that hallway?' Piper asked, pointing in the direction she saw Tiffany.

The other doctor smiled. 'Yeah. Apparently a lot of people in this hospital are corrupt and are in need of having their souls replenished or whatever. Guess she had a busy day.'

Piper wondered if she was being deliberately taunted. Just this morning, she was considering going to a Church and confessing. Maybe that would help her feel better. Confronting Tiffany Doggett about it, though, seemed more like a death wish than anything. That girl did not look _medical_, Piper had to admit.

Returning to the lift, Piper returned to her floor. And, God, it was a brighter, happier place than up there. She passed Polly who didn't ask her any questions, but they shared a look, and Piper had a feeling her friend would try and catch her on break. Despite their lengthy conversation last night, there was still much to discuss.

Frankly, Piper didn't feel settled about anything yet either.

When she was finally able to focus on her patients, Piper already felt a little better. Her patients had always been great at distracting her, especially this boy who was suffering from a fractured skull. A lot of painkillers and morphine was required before he calmed down and stopped screaming. There was also another patient who had been stuck in here for the past fortnight, waiting for a liver transplant.

He was nice, sweet. Asked how she was doing, to which she lied and said she was doing fine. He said she was lucky, chuckled, and admitted he wished he was doing fine too. Piper just smiled sympathetically. It sounded sick, but she would rather be the one waiting for a liver, than enduring this horrible, horrible guilt which continued to rip her slowly. Tear her insides, pull at her heart. She hated her life right now.

If she could turn back the clocks, she would. She would not have kissed Alex when she lost those two patients. She would not have agreed to follow Alex to the nightclub. She would not have kissed Alex _again_, followed her back to her hotel, and let Alex fuck her on the bed. She wouldn't have done any of those things. She would have remained a respectable, good doctor and soon-to-be wife. What she should be.

If she could, Piper would start again.

Go back to the start.

Someone was waiting for her at the nurse's station.

Piper stared. Her heart stopped. She went pale, and she stopped breathing. Alex noticed her, started to move, but before she could utter a word, before she could call Piper back, the doctor turned on her heel. And walked. Nearly ran. She didn't look back. Oh, Gods. _Oh, Gods_. Alex was here. Alex was here. Alex was here, and she was here for her.

No.

No.

No, this was wrong. This was wrong. This was _wrong_.

The doctor rushed into an empty on-call room. The darkness was unforgiving, made her shiver, and she remembered how to breathe. She exhaled shakily, held herself and scrunched her eyes closed when the door opened, closed. Alex was behind her, she could feel her presence, her warmth, her awful, wonderful self. Piper waited, waited for the worst.

'I need to talk to you.'

Piper jarred her teeth, opened her eyes, but still refused to look at her.

'What happened –– _did_ mean something.'

No...

'And I'm willing to try this, Piper. If you are.'

No...

'Are you?'

_Help. Help me. Please. Oh, God. Alex, how could you_? Trembling, in pain, struggling, Piper finally turned to face her. She couldn't see Alex very well in the little light, but could make out the rim of her glasses, the outline of her body, the shine in her eyes, and her unsure, small smile which Piper knew she would tear right off. She saw Alex and she nearly cried. This was wrong. This had gone out of hand.

'I cannot fall in love with a patient.'

The smile fell. Her hope smashed. Alex knew what was coming, but she foolishly stayed put. She let Piper break what was left.

'Juliet came to me yesterday.'

'What?'

'She said that you two–– you two could still work, and she sounded so convinced. I couldn't...' Piper swallowed. 'I can't do this, Alex. I'm engaged, you're with someone who loves you, and that should be enough. Because I don't know what we are. I don't know how I feel about you. You don't know how you feel about me either, but Juliet is certain and––'

If she wanted, she could stop there, because she had made her point.

'––and I can't be responsible for ruining what you two could have. What you _do _have.' She exhaled shakily, clenched a fist. 'I'm with Larry. I love Larry. I _choose_ Larry.'

Piper waited. She waited for Alex to yell at her, scold her, make her feel small and pathetic and _selfish_. She waited. But, nothing happened. Nothing happened. Alex watched her in the darkness, still, unmoving. She might not even be breathing. She was motionless, and Piper couldn't see her expression. She had no idea what Alex was thinking.

Then, she heard Alex sigh. It was a tired sigh.

'Of course you do.' A whisper. It wasn't accusing, it wasn't cruel, it wasn't anything. It was just a whisper.

A couple of footsteps. Alex opened the door, and light shone into the room. That was when Piper caught a glimpse of her. Saw her blank expression, the lack of surprise, the exhaustion. Alex didn't look at her. She walked out, and quietly closed the door.

Piper exhaled. Inhaled.

Tears stung her eyes, and she didn't leave. She waited until she was certain Alex was down the hallway, out of the hospital, in her car and gone. She waited until she was certain Alex had left her.

Crushed, defeated, Piper opened the door to the on call room. Paused. Before stepping out into the hurried scatter of life and death.

**.**

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**author's note**: Well, hey there. I told you I'd return. My novel is finished, which means I can spend more time writing my Vauseman stories. Thank you so much for waiting and, as always, for your feedback and amazing support. Maybe I should apologise for how this story is evolving but I guess I can't help myself. I shall update soon. See you then!


	11. Dandelion

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Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>11.<strong>

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"_... and I can't be responsible for ruining what you two could have..._"

Stupid.

"_... what you __**do**__ have._"

Naïve.

Alex should not have gone to her. She didn't know why she bothered. Why did she approach Piper? Why did she arrive at the hospital, confront her? What they had was _nothing_. Piper was a one-night stand. Her doctor. Nothing more. Alex _never_ asked for someone. She never wanted someone to be with them. She never came to _anyone_. They always came to _her_. It was something she was proud about; something she used to her advantage within the drug ring. Getting her little mules to do the odd job, deliver the drugs, the money. They were good at that.

Just a doctor. That was all. Piper was a woman, engaged to a man –– out of reach. And that one night when they kissed, when Alex escorted her back to her place, helped her out of her clothes –– that one night was an accident. Piper was engaged. And she didn't want Alex. They weren't meant to sleep together, they weren't mean to be anything. Alex had one-night stands before, and she easily walked away from them, forgot about them.

But Piper?

"... _I'm with Larry..._"

Piper _was_ different. She was nice, she was smart, she was her own person. Alex didn't see her as a potential "errand girl". Piper was different. Alex liked her, a lot. Her company was pleasant, she was easy to be around. With Piper, there wasn't an act. There wasn't anything. From the start, Alex was herself –– she didn't have to pretend, and neither did Piper. They were doctor and patient, and they kept their distance, until, _until finally_, Piper let everything slip.

Their kiss was startling, sudden, _wonderful_. Their kiss –– Piper's kiss –– was genuine, real, and there was a desperation in her touches and gasps. An urgency to break free from this prison she had built around herself. From an early age, Piper had been groomed to become this successful, educated doctor with a husband-to-be, and the potential of children on the way. A simple life. But, her innocence, her hesitation, her suspicions proved to Alex she wanted adventure, a little danger. And Alex was addicted to all of that, it excited her. Made her smile and made her heart flutter.

She was _perfect_.

Perfect for her. Piper could not be more _imperfect_, but Alex liked those flaws, those irritating traits. She was annoyed Piper walked out on her after discovering she was still seeing someone, and she was annoyed at Piper for initiating everything between them, and then leaving her. Piper was the girl who hurried after danger, and then ran far away when it got too much. Having an affair with a patient was one thing, but cheating on her fiancé was another.

"... _I love Larry..._"

It wasn't a one-night stand. Alex knew what one-night stands were like, knew the slight shame afterwards, the enthusiasm to erase the memory altogether. That time with Piper had been different, though. Alex couldn't forget. It _meant_ something. It hadn't been the alcohol. It had been them, and that was fucking terrifying. Because it had never been _them_ when Alex was with somebody else. Not really. Usually, she saw no plans with anyone. Just saw what was before her.

Yet, with Piper she had plans. Many plans.

"... _I choose Larry..._"

And it was ridiculous. Stupid. So, so, so stupid. Alex's pride had been damaged severely, but it wasn't that which bothered her. Approaching Piper had been silly –– she knew Piper would reject her. She knew Piper would choose the boyfriend because, heck, why wouldn't she? Larry was safe, Larry was protected, Larry was stable and Larry was the life she had been taught to accept. Alex was anything but safe. Alex was danger, and Alex was not stable.

Piper _couldn't_ have Alex. They wouldn't last, no matter what they felt.

To be honest, Alex would choose Larry too if put in the same situation. She wouldn't choose Alex. She wouldn't choose the woman who dealt drugs, had a history of exes, and who suffered from tuberculosis. Who had a poor immune system and probably wouldn't reach the age of forty. Alex had fucked with people's lives, and she was not willing to fuck up Piper's as well.

Grabbing her mobile, Alex searched for her mother's number, then nearly laughed at herself. It had been a long time since she had made this mistake. Forgot her mother was gone. The only person she could confide in. She knew her mother would say something on the lines of: "Well, fuck Piper, it's her loss" or "She's the one who's gonna have gross man sex from now on, so she's made a huge mistake" or, possibly, "You're just gonna let her go like that? When do you _ever_ take 'no' for an answer, baby? Go get her back". Except she was never Alex's to lose. Piper and Alex were never together, and never would be, and, maybe, that was just as well.

Alex hadn't spoken to Juliet, and she didn't know if she wanted to. Their relationship was still on the rocks, and she was shocked Juliet was willing to give them another go. Now with Piper out of the picture, maybe Alex should try again. Make it work. Because maybe Juliet _was_ good for her. She had a decent job, she was nice for the most part, easy on the eyes, and an interesting conversationalist. Except, she tended to _disappear_ when Alex's health started to get worse.

Next week, she had business-related activities in Spain and would be gone for approximately a month. One plane ticket. One suitcase. One life. Alex had always been alone, and she was starting to wonder if being alone worked best for her anyway. No one wanted the sick girlfriend, the sick girlfriend who was away for weeks and weeks at a time, importing drugs overseas and whatever else. No one wanted that; no one in their right mind, at least.

'Did you tell the girl you love her?'

'No.'

'You should have done.'

'I don't love her.'

Leaning back in her seat, Nicky gave Alex an odd look. 'Whatever, man. You've been bummed out ever since she waltzed into bed with you. When do _you_ ever get worked up over a woman?'

'I'm fine.' Alex raised her glass of alcohol and had a sip. She winced. 'Urgh, fuck. What is that?'

'Something Red made the other day.' Nicky picked up her own glass, and eyed the liquid. 'I kind of like it.' They sat in silence for a while. The two women had the privacy of their own room in the "shelter" Red provided for homeless girls, particularly those with drug addiction problems. Which was ironic, considering she was fairly okay with Alex visiting Nicky every once in a while. 'You gonna tell me what happened or what?'

Alex would rather just keep everything to herself. But Nicky was relentless at finding out information. She couldn't avoid this one. 'I went to see her.'

'Shit.'

'What?'

'_You_ went to _her_?'

Alex shrugged. 'The kid's an intern. She probably hasn't seen daylight for a while. Of course I had to go to her.'

'Whatever you say, man.'

'Anyway. I––' Alex's upper lip twitched, 'I_ might_ have told her to dump the boyfriend and be with me.'

A peculiar noise erupted from Nicky's pursed lips. 'Oh, dear.'

'I admit, it was a _little_ forward.'

'Why didn't you just ask the girl to marry you?'

'Should have done that. Would have worked better, right?'

'Right.'

'Right.'

'I imagine she didn't take it well,' Nicky said.

'You imagine correctly.'

Nicky laughed abruptly. 'Fuck, Vause. No offence, man, but you've balled this one up. I mean, she's married, isn't she?'

'Engaged.'

'No straight girl is gonna dump their fucking boyfriend for a woman. Especially a woman who's more involved with her career than––'

'It doesn't matter,' Alex cut through. She was tired of this, and she was tired of Piper. The last thing she wanted to do was wallow herself up in self-pity. Piper wasn't worth it. She was worth none of this. 'Apparently, Juliet approached her the other day and _warned_ her to stay back because she wants us to give it another go.'

Widening her eyes, Nicky was still for a moment. 'Whoa.'

'She has yet to inform me about this.'

'Dude. You're forbidden fruit.' Nicky smiled crookedly. 'What are you going to do?'

'Nothing.' Alex dropped her gaze. 'I'm not going to do anything.'

**.**

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**.**

It was effortless. Juliet texted her, asking if they could meet and Alex reluctantly agreed. After three days, Juliet spent more time at Alex's apartment than her own. They were how they used to be before all of the drama. For the most part, Alex managed. Everything was normal, but she couldn't help but think Juliet was trying a little too hard. She arranged dinner plans before making sure Alex was available, was constantly by Alex's side, asking how work was going, if she was having problems, needed any extra help. She was there. She was supportive.

And she was needy.

Juliet was not a needy woman. Not until now.

They both knew why, and it wasn't revealed until the day before Alex's leave for Spain. Juliet wanted them to go out, possibly head to the cinema and then a restaurant. But Alex was stressed beyond belief. She had rival dealers on her back, threatening to snatch her customers, steal her job. This was something her boss had warned her about years ago. Being popular in the drug ring had its ups and downs. The dosh flew in, but Alex needed to constantly be alert of any threats. She needed to know if her tail was being watched, if someone was challenging her reputation, dragging away her customers, offering better deals, or simply had better networks.

It was tricky and, sometimes, overbearing.

'––So, we won't be able to be together until _after_ you come back?' Juliet was saying. More like yelling while Alex frantically typed out an email. She could barely hear her girlfriend over her concentration, and didn't answer. Not at first. Juliet glared at her, enraged, jealous, and annoyed at herself for getting into this state. 'Alex!'

'Yeah, I heard you.'

'Did you? Then why the fuck are you ignoring me?'

'I'm not,' Alex growled. She stopped typing, sent the email and finally turned to the brunette. Even when angry, Juliet still looked amazing: elegant in her smart attire, hair neat and wavy, trailing past her shoulders. Her cheeks were flushed a little out of fury. 'I've got a lot of shit going on right now. I'm travelling to Spain tomorrow for a while. Tonight is not a good night.'

'It's the _only_ night, genius.'

'Well, I'm unavailable,' Alex snapped, 'Get off my back, yeah? I'm fucking _drowning_ here, so the least you can do is understand where I'm coming from.' She winced suddenly. A horrible pain shot through her body from the left side of her chest, but she brushed it off once the agony subsided. 'I've got three _idiots_ who want to scream at me down the phone for doing something _they could have done themselves_, my boss is getting really paranoid and annoyed at me because, apparently, my "health issues" are a severe inconvenience to him, I still have to pack, and I have more emails to send out before I even consider ringing up this guy from Tennessee about a package being sent his way. My flight is in less than eight hours, so, _no_, tonight is not a good night.'

Juliet scowled, folded her arms. She knew how demanding Alex's work was, and, usually, she _was_ understanding and patient. But, right now, she couldn't help herself. She _hated_ Alex's job, and she hated how worried and insecure she currently felt. The words slipped from her mouth, 'Or are you just too hung up over that blonde to even notice me anymore?'

'What?' Alex softened her expression slightly, but only out of shock. Slumping her shoulders, she sighed heavily. 'I don't have time to talk about her. Or that. _Any_ of this.' She groaned, pinched the bridge of her nose. 'Wow, I can't fucking believe you.' Angry, Alex stood to her feet. 'You think this is about _Piper_?! Are you fucking kidding me?'

'I'm not going to argue with you, Alex.'

'Why the hell not? You're the one who brought this fucking topic up––'

'Calm down! You know the doctors said you should watch your blood pressure. Remember what happened last time you got mad? Your heart gave out. You don't want that to happen again, do you?'

'Why?' Alex said, lowering her voice. 'Why do you care? I remember when that happened. I also remember you dumping me, too. Couldn't handle it. So fucking scared I might die on you, so you ditched me. It was real cute.'

'Your TB had returned.' Juliet's jaw clenched. Tears stung her eyes. 'You refused to take your meds, and you got TB again. And I was _sick_ of nagging you, Alex. Sometimes it's as if you don't even care about your fucking life anymore. Or never did. Ever since your mum passed away, you've just –– not _cared_. Do you care, Alex? Do you care if you had a heart attack tonight or your TB came back? Do you even give a shit about your own health?'

No. For a long time, Alex hadn't really cared. She still didn't. Caring was too much work, and she had enough on her plate as it was. Looking after herself was exhausting. There was always something wrong, and she was tired of the same routine. Of going to the hospital to be checked at every month, of being prescribed medication after medication. She was sick of it all.

Lately, the only person who gave a shit was Juliet. That was when she was around, of course.

With her mother gone, Alex never saw a reason to surviving. Who would she be surviving for? Who would care if she disappeared? No one. She was insignificant. That was how she had always viewed herself: insignificant. A speck amongst many others.

Juliet was glaring at her now, and Alex glared back. She should have seen this coming. A sharp pang shot through her body again, and this time Juliet noticed because her expression changed to concern. Before she said a word, Alex spoke, 'I care, but I'm busy right now. I don't have time to do anything with you, and I certainly don't have time to think about other women.' It tasted like poison on her tongue, referring to Piper as "other women", but what choice did she have? Piper might as well be "other women".

Returning to her laptop, Alex focussed on her work again, and ignored the guilt when Juliet eventually walked away. Alex felt something sharp again, twitched. It had been a long time since she had felt this sensation. Just a small warning; she needed to stay calm. Not lose her temper. She hadn't lost her temper in a while, and she shouldn't start now. Not now. Alex sent her last few emails, made her phone call and by one in the morning, she started packing.

Juliet didn't reappear. She must have left. Typical, but maybe wise. Juliet had nothing to gain from simply hanging around. Suitcase sorted, Alex was finally able to rest. Her heart was no longer causing her any pain, and when she slipped under the sheets, she emptied her mind of all thought and went straight to sleep. Yet, at one point, she suddenly awoke, and she could hear Piper's voice echoing in her head, could feel her chest tighten––

"_I cannot fall in love with a patient." _

Rolling onto her back, Alex exhaled heavily. The next month was going to be a long one.

**.**

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**.**

Hospitals stunk.

Nicky scrunched up her nose as soon as she entered. How on earth did the doctors and nurses survive in this hell hole for more than twelve hours? Either they were mad, or, well, _mad_. The place smelt of death, disease and old people. She wouldn't be in a hospital unless she had good reason, and this reason, she believed, was pretty good. A friend, Lorna Morello, had suffered a rather bad ankle sprain, and Nicky had agreed to give her a lift home.

Of _course_ she had no other motive in mind. Yes, she had a soft spot for Lorna (and Alex _loved_ to remind Nicky about that), but she was only here as a friend. Because that was what friends did. They looked out for each other, and offered lifts when one had a sprained ankle. Right? Nicky plopped down onto one of the seats in the waiting room, and cast her eyes over the visitors. Most were not alone, either with family, boyfriends, girlfriends.

It was a while since Nicky had been in a hospital as a patient. The last time was when she "accidentally" overdosed, and she was lucky to have come out alive and still walking. Lately, though, she had only come in to visit friends, particularly friends who had just recently recovered from TB. Alex had left for Spain over a week ago now, and Nicky had heard nothing from her. This wasn't anything unusual. Alex was a bit of a shithead when it came to staying in contact. She always received texts, and tended to forget she had to reply. Or she simply couldn't be bothered to.

Her work was ridiculously demanding, though, and she rarely –– if ever –– had time to _read_ texts, let alone reply to them. Despite just being a week, Nicky had to admit she was already starting to miss her best friend. But it was good Alex was out of the country. She had too much girl trouble back in America, too much grief over silly stuff, and Alex _never_ fussed over the silly stuff. Not until that blonde doctor walked into her life.

Straight women were the _best_.

Really. Nicky had enough experience with them to understand what Alex was going through.

She glanced at the time on the wall, and slouched down in her seat. Lorna should be appearing soon, and Nicky couldn't wait to get out of here. There were a couple of magazines on the table nearby, and she studied the covers for a while, bored, and then lifted her gaze. At first, Nicky didn't recognise Piper –– she just thought she was a nice-looking doctor, too into her thoughts to realise where she was going. Hence walking straight into another doctor, and apologising profusely for her foolishness. It was when she spoke did Nicky realise who the doctor was.

Doctor Chapman. Ha. Nicky smirked, and stood up, approaching the young intern before she could get away, 'Well, well, well, look who it is. Of all places to bump into you, I wasn't expecting it to be the hospital.' She snorted, and had to laugh at Piper's disgruntled expression. There was something about this girl which tickled Nicky. 'How's your day going, Blondie?'

'Fine.' Piper pressed her charts closer. 'What are you doing here?'

'Waiting for a friend.' Nicky's eyes danced over the other woman's appearance. Frankly, she wouldn't have noticed Piper firsthand, but she was a pretty lass. A little too the-girl-next-door-ish, but Nicky could see the appeal. Her and Vause would have made a cute couple. It was a shame things transpired like they did, but Nicky didn't know Piper well enough to care. 'I forget –– don't you interns have some exam coming up soon?'

At the mention of work, Piper seemed to brighten up a little. Nicky didn't get it with these kids. Interns were obsessed with work. It was all they thought about. All they _did_. 'Yes, actually. I should be studying, but my attending has basically given me all of his patients because he has too much paperwork. How did you know anyway?' Piper frowned. 'Were you an intern once?'

Nicky laughed again. 'Aw, man. _Me_? An _intern_? Fuck no. I used to be with someone who was, though. That was one crazy kid.' She cringed, remembering the girl. Too excited over nothing, bursting with energy even after a sixteen hour shift. Nicky liked enthusiasm, but even _she_ had her limits. 'Can't you just tell your attending to fucking do one? That exam's more important than his shitty patients.'

'Uh...' Piper raised her shoulders. 'If I told him that, I'd probably get fired.'

'Ah. Tough break, man.' Nicky peered over her shoulder in case Lorna had appeared. 'When does your shift end? I know you enjoyed that night out the other day. How about going again?' Piper suddenly look troubled, but Nicky caught on. 'Vause isn't going to be there. She's away in Spain due to work shit. I'll take care of you.'

Nicky was fairly surprised when Piper's expression changed at the mention of Alex's absence. If anything, the poor girl looked disappointed, but she quickly returned to her previous composure. 'Thanks, but my shift doesn't end until ten. I'm also getting married in about three weeks, and my fiancé would rather I spent more time with him so––'

'I get it, kid. Gotta put your man first.' Nicky rolled her eyes. 'Oi, hey, invite me to the wedding, yeah? I love weddings. Drinks everywhere and ladies in dresses. What more could you ask for?'

'I've already sent out the invitations.'

'Dude, just tell me the date and place. You mind if Vause is my plus one?'

The blonde darted her eyes to the right, then back at Nicky. 'If she wants to come.' Maybe Piper knew what Nicky was playing at, maybe not, but Nicky couldn't resist the temptation. She wanted to get back at Alex for constantly teasing her about Lorna, but she also wanted Alex to move on. Witnessing her lady love skip off with another man might help. Or, Nicky was probably just being an idiot. Actually she decided the latter. It would be cruel to invite Alex.

'Might bring Morello actually,' she muttered. 'Do you know where she is, by the way? Lorna Morello? Came in with a sprained ankle?'

For a moment, Piper looked rather dazed. Nicky wanted to smirk, because it couldn't be more obvious that Alex had rubbed off on her. She didn't know how Alex did this with her ladies –– she made them swoon without having to try. Even though Piper was engaged, and in love with another man, the very mention of Alex's name sent her into a state of despair. It was hilarious.

Eager to change the subject the doctor's face brightened when she recognised the name. 'Of course. I saw her come in. Do you want me to take you to the ward?'

'Yeah, man, that'd be awesome.'

Together they exited the waiting room, and Nicky followed Piper down several hallways. There were a flurry of doctors and nurses, patients walking in crutches, other patients attached to IVs, and others stuck in wheelchairs. All the hallways looked identical, and Nicky was fairly impressed Piper knew her way around so well. Within two minutes, they arrived at the designated ward, and Nicky spotted Lorna at the far end, just pulling on her coat.

When Nicky went over, Lorna smiled brightly and they embraced, before Nicky asked how her ankle was doing. Piper stood back slightly, giving the two women their privacy. She had to admit, it was bizarre seeing someone like Lorna being friends with someone like Nicky. If she didn't know any better, the two seemed like opposites. Lorna glanced up at Piper, and her smile returned again. The brunette was sweet, a little too sweet, and Piper wouldn't have minded her as a patient. Most she had today were grumpy and miserable.

'I remember you,' she said, standing to her feet slowly. 'Oh, Doctor Chapman, right? You're Alex's friend?'

'_Were_,' Nicky murmured. Piper looked at her, then looked away when Nicky gave her a knowing smirk. She knew. She knew what had happened and she wasn't going to pretend she didn't. Had Alex informed her, or was Nicky just freakishly good at knowing when there was lesbian drama?

'Oh.' Lorna's smile fell. 'But you two got along so well. I can't remember seeing Alex so happy before. She's never that happy when she's with her other girlfriend.'

'Okay, Morello, I think we've said enough.'

Piper, however, wasn't that willing to see them off. 'Hold on. She's not happy with Juliet?' She ignored Nicky's expression. 'I thought those two were–– well, _trying again_.'

'I thought they broke up,' Lorna frowned, turning to Nicky.

Sighing, Nicky glanced between the two. 'Yeah, they broke up, but it turns out Juliet wants to give their relationship another spin. Bit tricky and all considering Vause is busy in Spain. Might pick up another girl over there, to be honest. I wouldn't trust her,' Nicky grinned.

At the mention of Alex having another affair, Piper's ears burned and an ugly emotion soared through her body. She didn't want to imagine Alex with anyone. Again. Not even herself. That stupid woman better be taking her medication, otherwise Piper would be so pissed off. Heck, if Alex came back into hospital with TB, Piper would kill her.

She would fucking _murder_ her.

'Well,' Lorna sighed, a little dreamily. 'It was nice seeing you, Doctor Chapman.'

Piper nodded once. 'You, too.'

'See ya, kid,' Nicky smirked, and both women walked past and out of the ward.

Now that they were gone, Piper could breathe again. She shouldn't have brought up Alex, especially in front of Nicky. Piper had no idea what was going on through Nicky's head, but she wasn't too keen on her going to the wedding. Especially with Alex. God, no. Not Alex. Piper cringed at the very thought. She should have just said _no_. Larry wouldn't be happy if he saw two complete strangers witnessing their marriage.

Piper did not want the woman she had an affair with coming along.

That was _wrong_ on so many levels. Sucking air between her teeth, Piper swivelled around on her heel and left the ward. She opened up her chart, and read the details of her next patient as she walked. A twenty six year old male, admitted yesterday due to a severe asthma attack. Fortunately, he had recovered a great deal, and would hopefully be allowed to go home today. That was probably one of the nicest parts of the job. Sending the patient home when they were healthy––

Piper slipped back suddenly, and smacked the back of her head against the floor. Her charts fell alongside her. Groaning, Piper slowly sat upright.

'Oh, wow. Are you all right? Are you okay?'

She turned her head and watched as a black woman approached, with short black curly hair, and relatively large eyes that seemed to stare _holes_ right into her. Piper swallowed, and the pain from her head seemed to decrease slightly at the sight of this person. She wore a blue, comfortable-looking attire. Piper recognised this form of clothing. Quite like pyjamas –– patients up in psych wore them.

And Piper could already tell this woman was _definitely_ a patient. Whatever she had done to be transferred to the top floor, Piper didn't want to know.

She flinched back when the woman pressed a hand to her shoulder.

'No touching!' Maybe she was acting a little out of order, but Piper never felt entirely safe around psych patients. It was one of the reasons she chose medical instead. 'No touching, okay?' The patient nodded frantically, desperate to get her message across that she had understood. 'I'm fine.'

'I'm real sorry about that,' she replied slowly, looking guilty. Piper realised she had been cleaning the floors with the mop leaning against the wall. 'There used to be a sign that said _Caut-ion_! _Wet Floor_! Really told people what was going on.'

Piper began to raise herself, and she felt a shot of pain from the lower part of her spine. Wincing, the doctor managed to scramble back to her feet, steadying herself slightly. Pressing a hand against the wall, she waited for a moment, until the dizziness passed. However, she wasn't able to get away. The patient had blocked her path, and was grinning ear-to-ear. Piper blinked.

'I'm Sue. It's short for Suzy, which is short for Suzanne.'

'Oh. Okay.'

'I come from upstairs. They let me come clean _down here_. Sometimes, the ceilings inside me get messy like dirt. And I like to clean things. And the dirt is the feelings. The floor is my mind.'

'Ohh.'

'_That_––' Suzanne paused, eyes wide, and for a moment, she appeared lost in thought. '––Is called _coping_. And the doctors don't care because they like things clean. And that is called _symbiosis_.'

Piper nodded, and tried to smile. 'I see.'

'But I don't _think_ I should be talking to you.' Shaking her head, Suzanne returned to her mop. 'No. Because _they_ said––' She pointed her, almost accusingly. '––To _not_ talk. Otherwise, I might get upset and they'll tie me down like a _balloon_ so I don't fly away.'

'Well,' Piper pressed her lips together. She didn't quite know what to say to her. 'I'm sorry to disturb your work.'

A long pause. Piper grabbed her charts from the floor, and started to walk away.

'I'm gonna call you Dandelion because they're pretty and yellow. Just like you.'

'Thank you.'

'I hope you have a very nice day, Dandelion.'

'Thank you.' Piper stepped forwards, then looked at her. 'I hope you do, as well.'

Taking this as her cue to leave, Piper didn't waste a second. Clutching the charts, and being extra careful with her footing, the doctor turned the corner and out of sight. She hadn't had a conversation as long as that with a psych patient before, and while Suzanne seemed relatively kind, Piper didn't want anything more to do with her. That nickname better not stick either. Exhaling in relief, Piper slumped over the nurse's desk to return one of her charts.

Her friend, Polly, suddenly appeared at her side and Piper jumped in surprise. Polly frowned. 'What's got into you?'

'Nothing,' Piper sighed. 'I just ran into a psych patient. Called Suzanne.'

'Oh, you mean the one mopping the floor?'

'That's the one.'

'Yeah, we call her Crazy Eyes. I mean... have you _seen_ her eyes, P? Good you got away while you could. I've heard quite a lot of things about her up in psych.'

Piper made a face. 'If she's dangerous, why the hell are they letting her down here, unattended, cleaning the floor?'

A shrug. 'I don't know. She likes doing it, and she doesn't bother anyone. Plus it's a little harsh keeping them all locked away upstairs. As long as you don't antagonise her, you'll be fine.' Polly smiled teasingly, and patted her shoulder. 'Anyway, how are you coping? No Supercunt problems lately?'

'No.' Piper inhaled. 'She's in Spain.'

'For good?'

'No. For work.' Piper fiddled with her pen, then abruptly turned to Polly. 'But I don't care. I'm getting married soon, and she's out of the picture. Out of my head, too.'

'Wow. It's only been a week, P.'

'Maybe I never really liked her in the first place.' That was a lie. A big, huge lie, and Piper instantly regretted saying such bullshit. Alex was still in her head. Constantly. She was a fucking disease. Piper couldn't wait for the day when she'd vanish from her thoughts. Vanish from Piper's life entirely. Piper had turned her down, refused her, and even if she regretted her decision slightly, even if watching Alex walk away had been painful, she knew she had made the right choice.

Because Alex wasn't good enough for her. Alex was trouble, and Alex was too much to handle. Piper had enough on her plate with work. Was Alex crazy to think she'd ditch Larry on the spot and run away with her? Just what was that woman thinking?

Yet, even though Piper had chosen wisely, she still didn't feel good about it.

Something was missing.

Something in her life was missing when Alex wasn't around.

How much Piper wished they had never met. How she wished Polly had been Alex's doctor instead of her. God, that felt like so long ago now.

'Good for you, Piper.'

They smiled, but when Polly had walked away, Piper felt like whamming her head against the desk. She hated lying, especially to her best friend. She hated everything about this situation, and she hated the fact she hadn't told Larry what had happened. She couldn't tell him, but she knew she couldn't marry someone who she felt unsure about.

Maybe it was nerves. The prospect of marriage _was_ worrying, so Piper had every good reason to hesitate, to consider other people. What she felt for Alex was just nerves from the wedding. What she felt for Alex was normal, something she should shrug off. Move on from. Alex was a patient, an ex-patient; an accidental slip up. Nothing less. Nothing more.

"_You're a stubborn one_." She remembered Alex saying. "_I like that in a woman_."

Yep. Piper was stubborn, all right. Reluctantly, the doctor returned back to work, and no matter what she did, she could not erase the woman from her mind. It was a continuos torment, and by the end of the day, Piper was beaten. Wounded. She had definitely made the right decision in choosing Larry. That didn't mean said decision would promise happiness, though.

She had made a mistake. Tried to fix it. Only to fail immensely.

After all, there was no damage to fix. Just a question which needed to be answered.

**.**

**.**

**.**

The days were getting longer. Alex was tired, and she hated the heat. Work was asking too much of her. There were so many meetings, so many strangers to introduce herself to, so many questions, requests, orders, things to observe. Rarely did she arrive back at her hotel before eight in the evening, and she always left after six am. This sort of week wasn't a problem. Not usually. Alex was used to being popular; she had earned herself quite the reputation after all.

It was just, lately, her body couldn't handle it.

She had forgotten to take her TB medicine yesterday, and this morning. But it wasn't the TB which was causing her problems. At least, she didn't think it was. Before she left for Spain, Alex had been feeling rough, but she didn't want to get herself checked at the hospital. More accurately, she was too scared to. She didn't want to be stuck in a ward again, with doctors prodding at her, inserting tubes into her, doing what they wanted.

Because that sort of life was so _unsatisfying_. Alex wasn't born for that. She couldn't _cope_ like that. It was stupid, but in order to avoid the hospital altogether, she caught her plane, without making sure if she was all right. The pains in her chest had returned, and after her first day in Spain, the fatigue began to hit. It grew worse and worse as each day passed. The meetings she was forced to attend became tedious, stressful; she was restless all the way through.

She felt uncomfortable in her own skin.

When she woke up in the middle of the night, out of breath, sweating –– she suddenly realised what was wrong.

Tears stung her eyes and she angrily whipped off the sheets, pulled up the blinds and opened the window. The fresh air felt good on her skin, and she slowly cooled down, slowly caught her breath again. Yet her heart was pounding in her ears, vicious, raging. Her entire body shook under the weight of her sore muscle. It took a while for Alex to recover. It took a while for her heart to return to its normal pace, and it took her a while to stop herself from crying.

The last time she felt like this was when her mother was still alive. When she was a child, aged eleven. She remembered it clearly. Jessica Wedge, a girl from school, had been causing her so much hassle throughout the day. Alex was always good at standing her ground, but she didn't defend herself very well. In fact, everything she said was just extra information for Jessica to torment. After all, bragging that her mother had three jobs wasn't something to be proud about, even if Alex used it as an attempt to show their tiny family wasn't poor.

It was anger. Anger initiated the problem, the rise in blood pressure, the struggle to breathe, the heaviness of her heart. Alex rarely lost her temper. She got annoyed, she got defensive, but she rarely showed anger, and there was a reason why. The woman avoided that emotion at all costs, because she knew the risks it would bring.

But ever since Piper, ever since Juliet, and ever since the frequent hospital visits –– Alex wasn't able to shrug off her fury anymore.

Ever since _Piper_.

Common sense told Alex to head back to America, go to the hospital. Have a doctor check on her heart, make sure she was okay. That she wasn't suffering heart failure like her mother had dreaded from the very start. Fuck. Alex would choose TB over heart failure any day. She honestly would. Pressing her forehead against the glass, she waited a little while longer until she was okay.

A colleague was meeting up with her today. One she didn't particularly like. He liked to patronise her, liked to look down on her purely due to her sex. It wasn't anything uncommon within the drug ring, but Alex had very little tolerance right now. She showered, changed, and didn't bother trying to sleep again. By four in the morning, she received her first text. Sender was unknown, and the message was _not_ one she wanted to start her day with.

They had a runner. Someone was meant to be delivering a suitcase filled with money to the airport. Turned out this _idiot_ had quit on the job at the last minute. The suitcase had been left on its own for a good hour. The police mustn't have discovered what was inside, because Alex would have received a much harsher text. However, she was still going to be blamed. This person who was meant to deliver the case was somebody she hired –– that meant all fingers were going to be pointed at her.

_Fuck_.

What a fucking _asshole_.

She ignored the shot of pain. Acknowledging the pain would only make her angrier. Alex left the hotel two hours later. She would be meeting this "colleague" at a restaurant nearby. He said, quite enthusiastically, that this restaurant had a lovely view of a pond. Alex couldn't care less. She just wanted this meeting done with so she could go back to the hotel and rest. She was so fucking tired. Exhausted. This morning, she attempted to hide the dark rings under her eyes with makeup, but it hadn't done the trick. Professionalism was key in this area of work, and if Alex didn't look the part, she would fail.

When she arrived at the restaurant, she nearly swore. She had forgotten her TB medicine _again_.

That would have to wait. Her meeting was already starting, and she was never late. Her heart pounded in her ears, and she had a headache. Alex winced a little. It was too hot. The restaurant was packed, there was so much noise and chatter. This fucking idiot. Why would he have a meeting in such a crowded area? They had to _hear_ each other.

Thankfully, he was already there, and he smiled pleasantly, rising to his feet. He wore a shirt, blazer and trousers. A little too formal. They shook hands, sat down opposite each other, and then got to work. For the most part, Alex listened to him. This man tended to have his foot in his mouth, and spoke for far too long. She wasn't sure if it was the heat, the pressure, but Alex could barely concentrate on what he was saying.

She should have taken her medicine.

'––Oh, by the way––'

Alex looked at him.

'––heard there was a little _incident_ at the airport this morning.' He shook his head, sighing. 'I knew this would happen sooner or later. People like you are so obsessed and distracted by your work, you don't have time to deal with the more demanding stuff.'

She felt a stab.

'He spoke so highly of you––'

Alex had some water. She was beginning to feel dizzy, and her heart was so loud. Too loud. She was certain her companion could hear it too.

'––not sure why. I mean, you're barely paying attention to me right now.'

'Apologies,' Alex snapped. 'I was just thinking I could be doing something more productive, than sitting around with you.'

'Yeah? Well, if you listened, then you'd be out of here sooner, and I wouldn't have to repeat myself. Shall I discuss with you the plan we're considering for Italy?'

'You've already gone through that, and I won't be available during that period. I'm in Germany.'

'I thought women were good at multitasking.'

Alex seethed. 'Oh, we are. Except we're not so good at being in two places at _once_.' _Thump, thump, thump, thump_. 'Is there anything else you wanted to discuss?'

'Why? Eager to get away?'

'I––' Alex exhaled. '––_Yes_.'

'You're not going anywhere. I'm not done yet.'

_Thump, thump, thump_–– 'Well, I am.' Alex groaned suddenly. She was too dizzy, she felt dehydrated. She was out of breath for absolutely no reason. To her annoyance, her companion noticed her discomfort and asked if she was all right. 'I'm fine.' _Thump, thump, thump_.

'You sure? Not too tired? I know this kind of work can get tiring. The newbies always struggle.'

'I am _not_ a newbie.' Alex instantly regretted voicing this. She never had to stand up for herself, she never had to protect her status. Not with anybody. She was that good. But, she slipped, and her companion grinned, pleased with her response. _Thump, thump, thump_. Her heart. It was faster. Everything hurt. 'And I'm _fine_. Like I said.'

The smile didn't falter. He returned to discussing what he had in mind for Italy, even though Alex had already heard him. She was tense, and she watched his lips move, but couldn't hear him. She blocked out his voice, and concentrated on her breathing. On her heartbeat. A cold flush shuddered through her, and her chest felt as if it was being weighed down by a ton of bricks.

She wasn't well.

'––Oi. I'm talking to you.'

'I figured,' she exhaled.

'What the fuck's wrong with you, Vause?'

Alex grimaced. She didn't respond.

_Thumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthump_––

'Vause?'

––_thumpthumpthumpthumpthump_––

**.**

**.**

**.**

They were discussing wedding dresses. For the past hour, Polly had been flicking through a variety of magazines, and Piper had already given up. Head against the table, she groaned loudly, waited for Polly to suggest the most atrocious dress out of the lot. She even suggested if Piper didn't like the dress they bought, she could always hand it down to Polly when she married.

'_If_,' Piper said, voice muffled by the table. 'If you get married.'

'Fuck you.' A pager went off. Polly looked over at their pagers, which were neatly placed together. 'Which one is yours?'

Piper moaned. 'The one that didn't beep.' Reaching over, Polly grabbed the flashing pager. Silence. Piper raised her head, and looked at her in mild confusion. Without a word, Polly stood to her feet and pocketed the pager. Piper gave her a look. 'What is it?'

'Just a patient.'

That was all she revealed. Piper watched in astonishment as Polly hurried out of the staff room, unaware she had taken the wrong pager. And unaware that the patient was the woman she walked away from nearly a fortnight ago.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**author's note**: Oops. ;)  
>Thank you very much for reading, and for everyone who kindly left feedback on the previous chapter. I sure hope this one didn't leave you disappointed. I also wanted to mention I've started a new Vauseman story called <em>Lockdown<em>. It's a sequel to season two, but with my own rather large twist to it, so please do check it out! Until next time.


	12. My Way

**.**

**.**

**.**

Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>12.<strong>

**.**

**.**

**.**

'Doctor?'

'Yes?'

'Doctor Chapman was wondering if the patient Alex Vause could be removed from her service. If it's all right with you, sir, I'll happily take on the patient instead. I've already read her medical history, and her current conditions. She was admitted more than three hours ago due to congestive heart failure, after suffering an attack in Spain. High blood pressure. Apparently she's suffered from it since she was fifteen. Her heart was stabilised by the time she was transferred here. Anyway, may I treat her, sir?'

'I don't see why not. Why doesn't Doctor Chapman wish to treat the patient, though? Has their been a personality clash between them?'

'Not exactly. Doctor Chapman and I want to switch patients –– to treat more of a variety. I haven't got any heart-related patients, sir, and Doctor Chapman doesn't have any patients in paediatrics, whereas I do. So it makes sense.'

'Fine. I'm a little disappointed in Chapman. Alex Vause was her patient before. They seemed to be getting along. You interns are obsessive, though. Not much I can say to change your minds. You treat Alex, and keep me updated on how she's progressing. She's a regular visitor as you've probably gathered. So make sure she's comfortable.'

'Yes, sir.' In other words, Alex had a lot of money. And if Alex had a lot of money, she could afford luxury, and all the sad attendings here were onto the money. 'Thank you.'

Polly turned away, clutching Alex's chart to her chest. She was a little nervous. Was it right of her to keep Alex a secret? Or, should she tell Piper Alex had been admitted recently? How was that fair? Piper had to deal with enough crap Alex had thrown her way. All Polly needed to do was keep Alex hidden, treat her, and then get her out of the hospital. The sooner she was gone, the better. Briefly, she read through Alex's chart, and instantly started thinking through a speedy, efficient medical procedure to remove Alex in good time.

Turning the corner, she made her way over to Piper who was on her way to visit a patient. Polly passed her a chart. 'Here. I've got so much on my plate right now. How about you treat Josh? He's a nice kid, bit rude, but nice all around.' Piper was astonished. Rarely did interns offer up a patient, so Polly quickly added, 'Better cheer you up.' When Piper smiled, Polly couldn't help but feel a tad guilty, but she knew she was doing the right thing. 'Oh, by the way, I accidentally took your pager,' she passed it over.

'I knew this wasn't mine,' Piper said, returning Polly's. 'Hey, you all right? You look a lot tenser than usual.'

Catching her eye, Polly forced a smile. 'No. No, I'm absolutely fine.' And she was, or she was going to be. In the end, this was going to work out all right. It always did. Brushing past her, Polly inhaled deeply in an attempt to calm her nerves.

Piper would thank her one day.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Nothing was the same.

The moment Alex woke up, she knew nothing would be the same. Exhausted, nauseous. It was hard to open her eyes. _Beep, beep, beep_. Heart monitor. Constant. Repetitive. Wires attached to her chest, a nasal cannula wrapped around her head. She closed her eyes. Listened to the monitor. It didn't stop. Didn't quicken. Didn't slow. It was always. She was breathing, alive. Alex moved slightly, registered the strong stench of medicine, rubber; a hospital. Nothing came back to her. Not one memory, but she had a horrible feeling Kubra was going to bite her head off for this.

Fuck.

Alex sighed, uncertain if her weak heart was draining her energy, or if it was simply life in general. How many more times did she have to be dragged in here? What was the point? Alex was so tired, she couldn't even sit upright. Once, this might have embarrassed her. Left her in a dark void of humiliation and self pity. Now, she just _didn't care_. Caring took too much out of her. She had cared about her health for years, and nothing had come out of it. She wasn't any better.

Hate didn't do justice for how Alex felt about hospitals. Hospitals were her bully. Waiting for her outside the school gates to pick on her, push her around, laugh. A life she had desperately tried to run away from as a child. Jessica Wedge _loved_ to remind Alex about her frequent illnesses, even going as far as saying there wasn't any point to living if one was stuck in a hospital their entire life. Alex had to agree with her. What sort of life was this? Alex opened her eyes again.

The heart monitor started to _beep_ faster. Faster. Faster still. Alex strained, and wasn't even aware a nurse had come rushing in until she said her name, after paging a doctor. Time seemed to slow. Alex winced, breathing became a little harder. But she was all right. Just angry. Annoyed. Fucking pissed off. Upset. This wasn't fair; none of this was fair. She just wanted to go home, wrap herself up in a blanket and read a novel. Live life the way she wanted to.

A doctor. Brunette. Youthful face. Hair tied back, a stern expression. Eyes half shut, Alex watched her do something to the heart monitor, then fiddle with her IV drip. Alex couldn't tell what she was trying to achieve; she didn't care. Then, the doctor looked at her, placed the stethoscope in her ears, pressed it against her chest –– 'Take a deep breath for me, please.' Reluctantly, Alex obeyed, but she was so tired, she just wanted to go back to sleep. The doctor moved away.

Then, Alex recognised her. Doctor Polly Harper, Piper's best friend. Another intern. Alex rolled her eyes. Perfect. She was sick of interns. She just wanted a _real_ doctor who treated her properly and didn't fuck everything up. A doctor who was professional and didn't come running to her when needing comfort. Interns were usually young, _kids_ as far as Alex was concerned. Childish, wanting praise, approval. Pathetic. Spoilt, privileged kids who had an education they took for granted.

And, heck, they _loved_ to rub it in.

'You're not my doctor,' Alex breathed. Her voice was lazy, distant. She didn't look at Polly Harper. In fact, her eyes were barely open. Did Piper know she was here? Did Piper have it so that Polly treated her instead? Ridiculous. Alex felt her temper rise again. The heart monitor started racing. She couldn't _believe_ Piper could be this immature. Piper was her doctor –– she treated her from near the beginning of her internship. Why abandon her now? What the hell.

Polly's eyes darted from the monitor to Alex. 'Please stay calm. You've just recovered from a heart attack, and I want you to rest and let me treat you.' She paused, glancing at the chart in her hands. '_I_ am your doctor now.' Polly looked at her. 'Doctor Chapman may have treated you before, but she has other patients. You've been transferred to my service, but I can assure you I am equally as efficient as Doctor Chapman. If not more so.'

Jesus. Alex groaned. This girl had a mouth on her. 'Sure thing, Molly.'

'It's Polly.'

Alex exhaled slowly. Seriously? 'Right. Polly-Hobby.' Then she snorted at her own joke. 'You gonna tell Doctor Chapman I've paid a visit?'

'I don't think that'll be a good idea.' Polly sneered a little. Obviously she wasn't fond of Alex, and Alex could only guess why. 'Do you?'

When she opened her eyes properly, she could tell how much Polly disliked her. The sneer remained, but there was smugness in her eyes, a hint of satisfaction. It hit Alex that Piper hadn't transferred her services at all. Polly was the master behind all of this. She deliberately made it so that Piper and Alex wouldn't meet. She was protecting her friend. Ha, from what? The corner of Alex's lips twitched. She wasn't the one who was engaged, and she wasn't the one who rejected her. That was all Piper. Piper did the fucking around, the cheating, the straight girl problems. It was dire.

Really, Alex felt pretty damn smug too. Obviously she affected Piper in some way, obviously Piper was hurt by her or _something_, otherwise Polly wouldn't be acting like such a fucking prick. No one fucked Alex Vause around without getting themselves fucked around too. If Piper was still nursing her wounds, then _good_. Let her lick her injuries and feel sorry for herself. Let that fucking boyfriend of hers kiss her better. Disgusting. Piper could have her white picket fence, and happy husband and pretty children for all Alex cared. And that was it –– Alex _didn't_ care. She had lost the will to care.

Alex said nothing. She was too exhausted, and listened to Polly's fading footsteps as she left the room. Fatigue embraced her, and it was a warm, taunting chill which captured her for hours.

It was Juliet who awoke her. Frantic nudging, shaking, demanding she open her eyes. Alex was reluctant to obey. She didn't want to talk to her –– she didn't want an "I told you so" shoved into her face. Right now, she didn't want to talk to _anybody_. She knew she was in the wrong; she shouldn't have gone back to work so quickly. But what choice did she have? Alex needed the money, she needed to maintain her reputation within the drug ring. It was unlikely she could preserve it for long, though. Returning to hospital due to _heart_ _failure_ would not settle. She would be out of the job so fast.

When she finally opened her eyes, Alex just felt annoyed to see Juliet had been crying. Cheeks flushed, mascara smudged slightly from the tears. 'You shouldn't have gone! I _knew_ you shouldn't have gone!' Juliet stepped back, then paced the floor. She ran her hands through her hair, pulled slightly, 'Oh, _God_, Alex. What the Hell? What if you had _died_?' Nothing. Alex was angry now. Frowning, she averted her gaze. Juliet scowled. 'Will you stop ignoring me? Talk to me!'

'About _what_?' Alex didn't mean to raise her voice. Raising her voice would only trigger an argument, but she couldn't help herself. 'Let's talk about how I nearly died, then. That sounds like a thrilling conversation. Why don't you invite my doctor over, then we can have a _real_ enlightening discussion about how _fucked_ I am now?' She stopped. She was scared. Suddenly, Alex was terrified she would cause further strain to her heart if she got too furious.

Juliet stared at her in disbelief. 'What's wrong with you?'

Sighing, Alex lowered her voice, but more out of exhaustion than surrender. 'A lot, apparently. Why are you here?'

'Because no one else is.'

'Has it occurred to you that, maybe, I like being alone?' Alex murmured. 'That maybe I _prefer_ to be alone?'

That was all she had to say. Juliet didn't move. She watched her, shocked, mouth slightly agape, eyes filled with betrayal, hurt. Although Alex hadn't voiced it, she had made it clear what she wanted. Juliet clenched a fist, cocked back her chin. 'I see.' Alex wanted to be alone. She didn't want her, she wanted to be alone, to take care of herself. To live a life with only _herself_ in it. To remain this selfish, cruel woman who only formed relationships with people so she could use them to her advantage.

It was the sort of life she had built herself long ago. One she was used to. Alex didn't know how the whole girlfriend thing worked. Not really. What Juliet and she had was never _love_, it was never a fulfilling, committed relationship. After all, Alex was usually gone for weeks at a time and, admittedly, Juliet wasn't exactly faithful herself.

Juliet faced the door and, for some reason, thought about that blonde doctor. Chapman. Piper Chapman? A pretty young lady, engaged to a man, successful, a little timid. Nice. Sweet. The type of girl Alex went for when she needed a little tumble. Piper was easy to charm –– obviously. And, clearly, if you were Piper, Alex was easy to charm as well. Envy pinched her, and she grimaced. Juliet was jealous of Piper Chapman. Maybe she shouldn't be, but she was.

Neither said good bye. Juliet looked at Alex one last time. She was staring at the window, pale, black rings under her eyes –– she didn't look well. Not in the slightest. Death hung above her shoulders, and she was willing to embrace it. Juliet swallowed. It was a sight which upset her, deeply. Seeing Alex this way was disturbing, _wrong_. So unfair. If Juliet was strong enough, she would have stayed, would have been stubborn and stayed by her side.

Yet she, too, was flawed.

Juliet left.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Of all places, Piper did not expect to run into Suzanne in the cafeteria. She was sitting beside one of her therapists; a man Piper didn't recognise. Hoping Suzanne wouldn't spot her, Piper grabbed a sandwich, drink and then searched for a place to sit. Most tables were crowded, and it was apparently a lazy day for the interns as the majority were still eating. Piper was about to approach a table in the far left, when someone called her name. It was the therapist.

Suzanne was smiling ear-to-ear. Overjoyed.

_Shit_.

Reluctantly, Piper came over, clinging to her sandwich and drink. The therapist stood. 'Hello, Doctor Chapman. Suzy was telling me how you two have become such good friends –– I have a little paperwork to finish so do you mind keeping her company? I'll only be gone ten minutes. I know you interns are busy.'

Oh. Oh, _fuck no_. Piper opened her mouth to speak, but Suzanne cut through her. 'Come on then, Dandelion.' Enthusiastically, she patted the seat beside her, nodding, eyes wide. Piper was horrified. This should not be happening.

The therapist was either stupid, oblivious or hated Piper so much he was happy to leave her with this psych patient. Piper slowly sat down opposite Suzanne, opened her packet of sandwiches, kept her head low. However, that didn't work. Suzanne leaned forwards, a little too close for Piper's liking. Piper munched on her sandwich and foolishly looked at her.

When Piper was a child, she used to have nightmares, and she was certain this had been one of them.

'I wrote a poem.'

'Ah.'

'Wanna hear it?'

Piper stopped chewing. Stared at her. Now, she could refuse if she wished. She was a doctor. She had the authority. She could discipline the patient if she wanted, but there was something about Suzanne's excitement and joy which Piper was reluctant to crush. Anyway, upsetting Suzanne would probably be a fatal mistake, so Piper nodded.

Instantly, Suzanne shot into action. The table jumped up a little when she outstretched her arms to emphasise the emotions in her poem. Piper flinched back in surprise.

'Before I met you, the sun was like a yellow grape. But now, it looks like fire in the sky. Why? Because _you_––' She pointed at Piper, '––light a _fire_––' She pressed her hands to her chest, '––_inside me_.' A long pause, and Piper realised she was meant to respond.

'Wow.'

Piper could tell why everyone called her Crazy Eyes. The poem wasn't _too_ bad, though. A little bizarre, considering they had just met. Piper forced a smile, awkward. Suzanne waited a little longer, possibly hoping for Piper to respond again. After a while, she started speaking, 'I wrote that especially for you, Dandelion. Been thinking a lot about our time together yesterday.'

'Oh.'

'And something tells me that _you_ are a very special person. And I think I should tell you _every day_ just how special you are.' Piper was certain her eyes were wider than a few seconds ago. If that was possible. 'I'd take _great care_ of you around here, Dandelion.'

It finally hit Piper what Suzanne was trying to imply. 'I–– I'm engaged.'

Suzanne's smile fell. Then suddenly rose again. 'This fire inside me is burning now. I didn't know you felt so _passionately_.'

'No, no! Not engaged to _you_––'

'We can _definitely_ work around _that_––'

Before Piper could make it perfectly clear she wasn't interested, she was cut short when a woman approached. 'Stand up.' It was an order. A command. Piper looked up. Her heart dropped. Dread filled her. Juliet glared down at her with so much loathing, Piper was surprised she hadn't already murdered her. Puzzled, Piper slowly stood to her feet. Juliet glanced at Suzanne, then Piper. 'I don't understand you. I told you to stay away from Alex, and now look what's happened.'

Piper's heart skipped a beat. 'What?'

'Why the fuck are you _still_ bothering her?'

'I'm not––' Piper seethed. 'I haven't been anywhere near Alex Vause! You told me to stay away, so I did. In fact, I intended to stay away from her the moment I found out she was with somebody else. Plus, whatever happened between us was nothing. It was an accident. I'm engaged, I'm going to be married soon. I don't want Alex; I've never wanted Alex. I haven't spoken to her.'

Juliet was shaking with fury, but lowered her gaze when she realised she had been in the wrong. Beside her, Piper watched Suzanne stand up. She blinked, a disturbingly pleasant smile gracing her lips. 'Is there a problem?' She asked the two women.

'No,' Juliet scoffed.

Rolling up her sleeves, Suzanne stepped a little closer. 'You bothering my friend here?' Then, she looked over at Piper, brushed a strand of hair from her face. Piper stiffened. 'Dandelion? Is she bothering you?'

'No,' Juliet pressed. 'We were just talking.'

'Yeah,' Piper squinted her eyes. She was sick of this. Sick of Juliet, sick of Alex, sick of their lesbian drama that she had no desire to be involved in. How dare Juliet approach her like this, especially when she was _working_? 'She is bothering me.'

'Then you need to be on your way,' Suzanne said slowly, turning to Juliet. 'Because she don't like talking to you. Not. One. _Bit_.'

Juliet glared at Suzanne. Then turned to Piper. The doctor had no idea what was running through Juliet's mind, but it felt good to have backup. Maybe Suzanne wasn't so bad after all. Juliet raised a brow. 'What's all of this about?'

'_Move, bitch_!' Suzanne yelled, catching the attention of a few doctors. '_This_,' she gestured to Piper, 'is my wife––'

'Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm not––' Piper was cut off.

'––so you need to stay _away_.'

'Wait, but––'

'_I will cut you_!' Suzanne slammed her fists against the table, 'I will––' She grabbed a handful of food and threw it at Juliet, '––_cut you_––' Pie splattered across Juliet's top, and the brunette exclaimed in surprise, horrified, '––bitch! I will fucking cut you! Bitch, you don't know me!' By the time Suzanne was done raging, Juliet had already stormed out of the cafeteria, top stained with food. She was gone.

Piper's mouth was agape. Now, the entire cafeteria was staring at them, some calling out and cheering, others disappointed with Piper for allowing that to happen. This would not go down well. 'Take it easy,' a doctor said from a nearby table, 'Take it easy.' Piper was too horrified to say a word. She covered her mouth with her hand, staring at Suzanne wide eyed.

Laughing casually, Suzanne raised up her hands in surrender. 'It's all right! We all _good_.'

Piper sat back down. Placed her head in her hands. Good God. Oh, God. _Oh, dear God_. 'I'm not your wife,' she whispered when Suzanne returned to her seat.

'I threw my pie for you.'

Far too late, Suzanne's therapist returned, and had no idea what just happened. Piper instantly jumped from her seat, forgetting about her sandwich. The therapist asked if everything had been okay. Piper just nodded, ignoring Suzanne's friendly wave and promise to meet her again soon. She hoped no one would tell Doctor Healy or Doctor Bennett what they just witnessed. It would not look good on her record. What _did_ happen? Piper honestly felt rather guilty.

Juliet didn't deserve to be humiliated like that.

Maybe Piper underestimated Suzanne. The last thing she expected was for Suzanne to get so violent. What an idiot she had been! Red in the face, Piper avoided eye contact with anyone she passed, and hurried for the staffroom to get some privacy. For a couple of weeks, she was going to avoid the cafeteria. Until Suzanne wasn't a frequent visitor at least.

A nurse dashed past, accidentally bumping into her shoulder. Piper stared after her, and guessed a patient must have crashed. When she entered into a hallway, she watched another nurse come past. Piper frowned, and followed her, wondering if the patient might need more help. Yet she soon discovered the problem. Sitting at the bottom of a staircase, out of breath, and sweating a little, was Alex Vause. Piper stopped in her tracks. One of the nurses was helping her stand to her feet, but she was beaten. Absolutely knackered. Piper didn't know how to react. She just stood there.

Why was Alex here? Why was Alex _like this_?

'Doctor!' The nurse was calling. 'What should we do?'

Piper swallowed. 'Uh.' She needed to clear her head. Ask questions later. Alex needed help. 'Get her back to her ward. Do it now. Is there a wheelchair? Get a wheelchair!' A nurse ran off to fetch one. Piper stepped closer, knelt down to Alex who was half conscious. 'What do you think you're doing?'

'Going home,' Alex murmured. Piper placed the stethoscope into her ears, listened to her heartbeat. It was too fast. Alex had to lie down, rest. She had hurt herself from moving, even if it wasn't very far. 'I need to go home. I'm sick of this fucking place––' She looked at her, and Piper felt her heart _squeeze_. 'Maybe this is a bad time to say "hi"?' She was joking, making light of the situation, and that annoyed Piper. Upset her. Confused her. Made her so fucking angry, frustrated and impatient.

'Stop talking.' Piper turned, watched the nurse bring over a wheelchair. 'Get her back to her room!'

'We paged Doctor Harper but she isn't responding,' a nurse said.

'Why her? I'm Alex's doctor.'

The nurse frowned. 'No, Doctor Harper is. She transferred her services with you.'

'What?'

Wisely, the nurse said nothing more. At first Piper felt nothing. Maybe Polly had requested Alex be her patient for Piper's sake. So she wouldn't get hurt again. Maybe she had done it out of affection. That was like Polly. She was a good friend. She meant well. But, Piper already started to feel angry. Damn it. _Why_ had Polly done such a thing? Alex was her patient! She had treated Alex's TB, and she had every right to treat her now. How dare Polly do this? How fucking dare she?

Piper paged Doctor Healy, and hurried after the nurses to Alex's ward. As she went, she collided straight into Polly. Instantly Piper yelled at her, 'What the _fuck_? You wanna tell me why I met Alex _collapsed_ down the hallway? What the Hell?!'

'... fuck.'

'Yeah, _fuck_. Answer my goddamn question!'

'Pipes, calm down, all right?' Polly exhaled. She was flushed. Overworked. 'Look, Alex came in yesterday with congestive heart failure––'

'What?'

'––I didn't know she'd leave her bed. Fucking stupid––'

'What do you mean she has heart failure? There were no symptoms of her having heart failure when I––'

'Stop shouting. You're giving me a headache.'

'Polly, what is going on?'

'I wanted to treat Alex so you wouldn't have to meet her again. I know she hurt you and––'

'Fuck, Polly. _Fuck_.'

'Piper, I did this for you.'

'You sure about that? Because I am fucking _pissed_ off with you right now. Oh, _God_, Polly. I know I don't exactly keep things professional in this fucking hospital, but at least I treat my patients even when they cause me problems. I can treat Alex. Give me her chart.'

'No way. She's my patient. I'm treating her. I've dealt with this sort of problem before––'

'What if she needs surgery? What if she needs a heart transplant? Damn it, Polly, she needs someone in there who she knows––'

'Oh, and you know her, do you?'

'I know her better than you.'

Polly gaped. 'What is the matter with you? Not long ago, you were going on about how Supercunt means nothing to you and––'

'She's called _Alex_, and that was before I realised she was a patient again.'

'Piper, she's always been a patient. If you checked her medical records, you'd know. Alex has been admitted for a rise in blood pressure since she was a teenager. Unlike you, I sit down and read my patients' histories before I start treating them. You clearly know nothing about this patient you're so head over heels for.'

'Fuck off, Polly.'

'I can't fucking believe you. I did this for your sake, and now you're making me the bad guy?'

'Give me her chart.' Polly glared. Piper seethed. 'Give me her fucking chart. Alex is my patient. Are we clear on that? She's _my_ patient. _Mine_.'

Piper instantly regretted her tone, but she held her ground. She wasn't giving in, no matter how Polly felt about the situation. Polly scoffed. Slammed Alex's chart into Piper's open hands. She shook her head, appalled, shocked, hurt. She couldn't believe the way Piper was behaving. And she had the audacity to imply she was _unprofessional_?

Pathetic.

'You sure she's your patient, Doctor Chapman?' Cruel. Polly sneered, and walked past. 'Or is she's something _more_? I suppose it's wrong of me to ask. Wouldn't want to be unprofessional about the matter.'

Ignore her. Piper tried to ignore her. She waited until Polly was gone. Chart tightly in her possession, Piper took a deep breath and continued her way to Alex's ward. This was a mistake, this was a mistake, this was a mistake. But she had already decided.

It was too late to turn back.

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**author's note**: You lot are amazing! The feedback I received for the previous chapter was astounding. I'm so incredibly flattered by what you have all said. I'm honestly speechless, and amazed you're enjoying this story. Thank you! I wish I could give all of you a hug and a cupcake. But, alas, I cannot. Please do know I am _so_ grateful for your wonderful reviews. I can't stress how important they are to me.

Over the past few days, I've been thinking about how this story is going to progress, and, if all goes well, this story will be quite long. Which is good, right? I can't wait to get to the juicy stuff. You're all gonna love it. ;) Hehe. Fun stuff. See you next time!


	13. How To Save A Life

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Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>13.<strong>

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A doctor must _never_ feel guilt.

That was the first rule Piper was told. Avoid guilt. Guilt was fatal. Guilt completely destroyed a doctor's career, and life. The patient's death was usually out of a doctor's hands. Sometimes, the patient's death was unavoidable. Sometimes, the patient's death was simply _meant to be_. It was their time. And that was not the doctor's fault. The doctor could give the patient the correct medical treatment, provide appropriate surgeries, offer them as much time as possible to recover, but, at the end of the day, it all came down to chance; fate.

When a doctor fell down, they _had_ to get back up again. They _had_ to.

Yet there had been cases when doctors couldn't find their feet again. They hung their cape, walked away, and never looked back. Piper didn't want to be that doctor. She wanted to cope. She wanted to be the best. Medicine was competitive. There were enemies and rivals everywhere. Piper loved the competition, and drank it all in greedily. She refused to let a patient get to her, because she thought she was better than that. She thought she could be _more_, she thought she could be cold, detached, everything she wasn't.

Alex was dying.

The truth was heavy on Piper's shoulders. Weighed her down, _broke_ her bones. She had missed this crucial fact –– she had skimmed through Alex's medical history, she rushed. She didn't consider heart failure, blood pressure. Looking at her now, Piper thought this was her fault. She had hurt Alex by turning her away. It couldn't be coincidence that Alex was admitted to hospital a few weeks later due to _heart failure_.

Guilt.

The worst, most _ugly_ emotion. Piper was trembling, clinging to Alex's chart so tightly she was hurting herself. There was nothing she could say. All words had been pulled out of her; she was useless. Helpless. Utterly _pathetic_ as she stood there, watching Doctor Healy advise Alex on the risks of moving around, and that surgery was necessary in order for her to keep living. Alex was being intolerable, irrational, but she was angry. Upset.

Disappointed in herself. Piper had no idea what it was like –– what Alex was suffering. The woman couldn't even reach the damn staircase, let alone climb it. If those nurses hadn't found her, there was no knowing what would have happened. Alex was overtired. Piper could barely recognise her. She was awfully pale, and her heart pace was spontaneous at times, rising and falling. She was thinner; no appetite, cheekbones protruding whenever she spoke. Despite all this, her eyes reflected her fury, impatience. Alex _hated_ being told what to do, especially by a doctor.

'What's the point of me staying in here if you're not _doing_ anything? I've been lying in this fucking bed for half a week, and all I've had is fucking nurses coming in every now and again, checking my stats and all of that shit. I'm not gonna waste whatever little life I have left in this fucked up place!'

'Fine,' Healy growled. 'You go ahead. _Leave_. But, I bet you will have collapsed by the time you reached the exit.'

'Is that a fucking challenge? 'Cos I accept. I really _fucking _do. If you would just let me go––'

'I don't know if you've figured this out yet, but you _can't_ go anywhere. Movement is causing too much strain to your heart, and I am recommending you accept a pacemaker. The surgery is roughly an hour long; you won't feel any pain––'

'Fuck, how many more things do you need to do to me?! I'm fed up. I'm fed up with all of this crap. I don't want to be here anymore. I've been given hundreds of fucking treatments and surgeries so I can be _normal_ like everyone else. Guess what? It ain't working!'

'If you'll be _patient_––'

'Patient?' Alex scoffed. 'I've been patient for the past twenty-five fucking years! Don't fucking tell me about patience, you asshole!'

Healy sneered a little, but didn't raise his voice. Fortunately, he was an experienced doctor who had dealt with patients like Alex before. 'I know what you're going through is tough.' Alex rolled her eyes. 'But, pacemaker implantations are usually successful. If you let me do this for you, then you can go. I promise you that. Maybe you won't ever come back here again.'

Another scoff. Alex refused to consent to the surgery. She looked away towards the window, shook her head lightly. 'I just wanna go home.' That was all. That was all she wanted. She didn't want surgery, she didn't want to survive. She had given up. All Alex wanted was her home; she wanted to die somewhere she felt safe.

She wanted to die. Piper felt an unfamiliar rage build within the pit of her stomach, travel across her body; it _shook_ her. The last person she expected to surrender was Alex Vause. She was one of the strongest women she knew. She was fierce, constantly in control, confident, smug –– so much fun to be around. This person had been going in an out of hospital since she was a _child_. How could she give up now? How could she do such a thing?

All efforts were wasted.

Heaving a heavy sigh, the attending glanced at Piper, and walked over, 'When she changes her mind, page me.' Then he left. Piper swallowed, looked at Alex. The patient was still gazing out of the window, and seemed to have calmed down. Piper considered leaving, too. Maybe Alex needed space, a moment to come to her senses. She was frustrated, upset –– she needed some time to collect her thoughts.

Piper lowered the chart. Stepped forwards.

It was horrible. Every second was horrible. Seeing Alex this way made her want to cry, and it was silly. What was it about Alex that made Piper care for her so much? Why did Alex have this effect on her? Why did their fates keep crossing? Piper didn't want Alex to suffer anymore, but she couldn't handle the idea of _death_. No. No, she couldn't die. Fuck, Piper wouldn't allow that to happen. She came closer. Stopped at Alex's bed.

Either Alex was deliberately ignoring her, or hadn't noticed her presence.

'Hi,' Piper murmured.

No response.

'I think you should follow Doctor Healy's advice. He's treated patients like you many times; he knows what he's talking about.'

Again, no response.

'You _need_ the pacemaker, Alex. Or you won't survive. You'll die.'

Nothing. Piper jarred her teeth. She exhaled shakily, turned around. She nearly left. Nearly abandoned her again. But, something disturbing, something heavy, something powerful, forced her to return. Piper barely recognised her own voice when she spoke. And when she spoke, it felt as if her heart had ceased beating, it felt as if the earth stopped spinning, as if life _stopped_ itself. When she spoke, Piper couldn't contain herself.

She burst.

'Don't be so selfish! You do _not_ get to do this. How _dare_ you think you can _give up_? You don't get to give up, Alex. Know why? Because I have hauled my ass around for you to stay alive. I obsessively checked up on you last time you were here, I was _desperate_ to make sure you got out of here okay. And you did; you _did_, because of me. So you can at least have the _decency_ to accept Doctor Healy's surgery! You don't get to fuck me around like this. You _don't get to_, Alex! It isn't time to _go_.' Piper paused suddenly, her voice caught in her throat. '... you don't get to leave.'

Waiting. Waiting. Alex was silent, but she heard her. She was registering everything Piper confessed, understanding what she said; she listened. All too late, Alex finally responded. Slowly, she turned her head to look at Piper. Venom _rotted_ in her eyes. There was no sympathy, no pity, no anger, no bitterness, _nothing_. There was _nothing_ in her eyes –– just death, the time ticking away. Seconds flowing past.

'Fuck you around? I don't do the fucking around, Doctor.'

'I want you to stay alive.'

'Maybe I don't have the energy to do that anymore. You don't know what I'm going through.'

Piper laughed, and it was a cruel, sarcastic laugh. It lacked humour. Grace. It was _cold_. 'Oh, believe me, Alex, I know _exactly_ what you're going through. I've seen patients like you before. I know the trauma they're forced to deal with when they discover their heart is failing. You don't get to give up so easily, Alex. That's not fair.'

'I apologise. I didn't mean to wound your ego.'

'Don't get funny with me.'

She shook her head again, and then Piper saw something. A glimmer of hatred. Alex was desperate. She had endured so much. What was the point in living this sort of life? What was the fucking point? Alex didn't have anyone. No one to hold her hand, comfort her, offer pep-talks, keep her in good spirits. There wasn't any point in being treated when she was permanently damaged. Eventually, the cause would kill her.

Before Alex spoke, Piper was flooded with shame.

'I hate living. Every day is a _chore_. You know, my life was never really easy –– when I was a kid, my mum was rarely ever home; she was working constantly, paying for my medical expenses. Paying every penny she earned for _me_. The house we shared, well, I wouldn't even call it a house. One bedroom, a kitchen. That was pretty much it. She used to take clothes from the Church –– y'know, the old, second-hand rags they give to the homeless, because she couldn't afford buying us anything. I spent _most_ of my childhood in hospital.' She shrugged, and smiled, but not out of joy. She smiled because Piper was clueless, ignorant. She smiled because she was _done_. 'I made _friends_ with _nurses_ –– people twice my age. I wasn't offered the education you have; I didn't stand a chance. I failed the most _basic_ exams because I was so sick.'

Inhale.

'I still visit the same hospitals. It was TB for a long time. I used to have epileptic fits, but fortunately they seemed to have passed. The asthma was the worst, but my high blood pressure––' Alex squinted, '––that scared me the most. I can't walk around anymore. Yeah, I can have the pacemaker, but what then? Because you can treat me as much as you like, but, _always_, something brings me back here. There's always something wrong with me.'

She didn't know why she revealed so much; why she thought Piper would care, but talking about her life, how shitty her childhood was, helped. She wanted somebody to know where she was coming from, wanted someone to at least _try_ and understand. The only _idiot_ in this hospital who she trusted was Piper. The only person she could tell was Piper.

It wasn't enough, though.

'You don't know what I'm going through,' Alex repeated. 'I'm _weak_; my body has always been weak. Doctors seem to forget patients suffer emotionally too. Of course when that happens, you send us all straight to the psych ward. My body gave up the moment I was born. Now, _I_ give up. I can't fight this; I can't win. Neither can you.'

Piper rolled her eyes, but she knew Alex was right. Piper could learn everything about the body, about every disease, but she would still be one of the most ignorant assholes alive. It was the loneliness, the loss of her mother, which had caused Alex to let death embrace her. Juliet only came back when it was convenient for her –– out of fear. Watching Alex, Piper could understand why Juliet abandoned her side when things got too much.

Trembling, Piper winced when she felt her insides _pinch_. She wanted Alex to stop talking, to _stop_, just _stop talking, please, please, please, don't say that_–– _don't say you give up. _Piper cocked back her chin, and wished Alex would look away. Stop watching her. Alex was waiting for Piper to come out with an automatic response, something she had read from a stupid textbook. She waited for Piper to show her undeterred side. Waited for the act.

But what could she do?

Piper was just an intern. Just a kid.

A silly, naïve kid who had, somehow, foolishly (inevitably) developed feelings for a patient.

Feelings she struggled to accept, feelings she had run away from for the past few weeks. Feelings she knew were destructive, _wrong_. Piper swallowed back a cry, but failed. She leaned against the wall, and tried to stop the tears from falling. They stung her eyes, made it hard to breathe. She sniffed, tried to shake everything off. The guilt, the shame, the anger, the betrayal, the _grief_. She had come into this hospital expecting so much.

Too much.

Then, she cried. Quietly. She cried for Alex. Cried because no one had cried for her before, cried because she was the only disgusting specimen on this earth who knew how _pointless_ Alex's life was. It was effortless, crying. Piper's eyes _leaked_ with tears, scolded her cheeks, and she gasped, holding herself. This wasn't fair. Why did Alex have to go through this? Why couldn't someone else? Why did Piper's patient have to suffer?

Why Alex?

'You're crying.'

'Shut up,' Piper croaked, wiping a few tears with her sleeve.

Alex obeyed, and watched each tear fall to the floor. She watched the damage, watched what she had caused. Without meaning to, she made Piper cry. And Piper wasn't crying out of pity. Piper was crying because all of this _hurt _her. Hurt Alex. Hurt them both. Piper cried because Alex wasn't crying, and someone had to cry. So Alex let Piper cry. She let her do what she couldn't.

And she cried for a while. Silent, always. But crying all the same. Piper didn't move, back pressed against the wall, holding Alex's chart –– young, fragile, uncertain, confused. Everything was such a mess; such a fucking mess. Piper felt as if she had failed Alex. Failed her in so many ways. She had been so oblivious, lost in her own pathetic problems, in her stupid engagement with Larry. Everything was _messy_, fucking _ridiculous_.

There was a good reason doctors should keep their personal life out of the hospital.

Piper remembered that lesson. They just didn't teach her _how_ to do this.

Fuck.

'––Don't leave me.' Piper exhaled, dropped her gaze. 'Let me give you a point to live. Please.' It was purely selfish. Piper didn't know why she felt this way, why Alex was suddenly so important. She didn't know how all of this could have happened. How every fucked up piece just fell into place. _Clicked_. Made certain. 'Let me help you.'

("_I hate living."  
><em>That comment was like _pincers_. Piper would _never_ recover.)

Alex already had her answer, but, this time, she hesitated. When Piper looked at her again, her expression was soft, beaten –– she didn't have much to offer, except herself. She would do whatever she could to keep Alex alive; she honestly would. Foolish girl. Being a doctor –– ha, what a mistake. What a stupid mistake.

There was so much talent to offer. Piper was smart, exceptionally smart, _born_ for this career. And she was wasting it away all for one patient. Ruining everything good in her life for Alex. Willingly. So fucking pointless.

Piper had walked into Alex's life a few years late.

But, the doctor clung to some silly hope that, maybe, it wasn't _too_ late.

Desperately.

It had all gone wrong. Out of hand. Out of their control. Alex wanted to refuse, she wanted to push Piper away; she wanted nothing to do with her. _Piper_ wanted nothing to do with her –– she made that clear before. Why was she doing this? Why? _Why are you doing this_? Alex had no choice, though. Piper had her. Chained. There was no stepping out, no walking away –– it was another arduous path to an illusional glory.

Alex mattered.

Piper had set that in stone.

The relief was too much to bare. Alex's voice was faint, heavy with reluctance and dread, 'I'll have the surgery.' Piper's happiness was poisonous, toxic; damaged, _burning_. A fire waiting to be extinguished, bare, open, wild. So easily trampled on. Blown away. Vanish into nothing, but crumbling ash. Another tear escaped, and it was her last.

The surgery was a little over an hour. Piper waited outside. Doctor Healy forbid her into the gallery, but she didn't bother asking why. She didn't care. Piper was trapped in a world only she and Alex shared. For an hour and seven minutes, she waited for her patient to return. Sat by the wall, staring at nothing, waiting, waiting, waiting. Not once did her pager go off, as if knowing she wasn't available to service anyone else.

She thought about what would happen next. What she should do. What did this mean for them? Alex had agreed to the surgery, but only after knowing Piper was by her side. For a moment, Piper was willing to drop everything. Bin the engagement ring in her locker, leave Larry –– find a life where she could focus on Alex and _just_ Alex. But she couldn't manage that. She couldn't. Alex was a _drug dealer_, a criminal, and she nearly laughed.

Gods. Everything was fucked up.

She thought about Alex in surgery, awake on the operating table while her surgeon comforted her, told her what was happening, what they were going to do next, advising her. And she wondered if Alex was scared, worried. She wondered if Alex felt anything at all; if this surgery truly mattered, or if it was just _another_ surgery. She wondered if Alex had any idea how Piper felt; she wondered if Alex felt the same way.

She wondered and wondered.

It was her pager. It was Alex. She was out of surgery. She was alive. Piper shot to her feet and ran, pressing her stethoscope to her shoulders so it wouldn't slip off. Her heart was crazy, she was dizzy, frantic, bursting with life. Doctors and nurses passed in a blur. Wards vanishing behind her. The long hallways ending and ending, and, eventually, she reached Alex's room. When she arrived, slightly out of breath, flustered, _relieved_, she smiled when she saw her.

And it was a _real_ smile. Not one plagued with despair, fear, reluctance –– it was real. Genuine, and she had never smiled like this for anyone. Not Larry, not Polly, not her mother, father, brother. No one; no one except Alex. Of course she didn't expect Alex to share the same enthusiasm, but Piper's presence was welcomed; she was a little spacey due to the surgery, but was fine all-around. She was fine, she was okay, she was all right.

Piper checked her stitches, the scar above her chest on her left side. It was clean, performed properly –– her surgeon had been a good one. The pacemaker was in, working, correcting her heart rhythm, keeping her stable.

'How do you feel?'

'Hurts a bit.'

'The pain will go, eventually. I can give you painkillers when you leave. You'll heal fast, and won't even know it's there––'

'I know. The surgeon already told me.'

A cut. Sharp tone. Blunt. Piper stopped talking, looked at her properly. Alex was beginning to doubt her decision. As far as she was concerned, she had only made things worse; death was only a few months further away than before. She should have just embraced her fate already, she should have let things happen the way they should.

She shouldn't have listened to Piper.

'You did the right thing.'

'Mm.'

'Alex––'

'I don't need you to patronise me.' She breathed. 'If I can get out of here by tomorrow, then whatever. I don't care.'

'Please listen to me.'

'I did.' Alex's lower lip quivered. 'I think I listen to you too much.'

'I want what's best for you.'

'No. You want what's best for _you_.'

Piper started trembling again. Her hand rested at Alex's shoulder, then brushed over the gown hiding her scar. Stopped at her heart. And she could feel it –– beating. _Thump, thump, thump_. So beautiful, so normal, so perfect. A faint _tick_ing noise of her pacemaker, keeping everything in check, controlling her heart, controlling her. _Thump, thump, thump_––

There was a loss she was unwilling to show. A loss of dignity, self-respect, confidence. Alex was still weak, still fragile, still easily broken.

It made Piper want to cry again, but she didn't this time.

'I care,' she whispered. 'I care about you. Not me. I don't care about me. I only care about you.'

They allowed it to happen.

They allowed _them_.

Alex softened her expression. Slumped her shoulders. She didn't push Piper away; she stayed, and when Piper kissed her, she kissed her too. It all came back: the rush, the heat, the excitement, the thrill, the dread, the heavy, heavy, _dark_, blistering finale. Piper knew she falling away into a trap. This time, there was no way to get back up. It was all finished.

Hammered down –– and she brought Alex with her.

For a moment, Piper broke away. Gazed at her one last time, gazed at what she wanted, what she had decided –– the lies and deceit she would be forced to throw upon those who loved her, how damaged her career would be if this ever got out. Her fingertip lazily grazed over Alex's cheek, and suddenly none of it mattered anymore.

Piper kissed her again, harder, longing, shivering, _drowning_.

Gone.

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	14. Danger, Danger

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Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>14.<strong>

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Sprawled across the settee, Polly chewed idly on a snack while she watched the television. Nothing interesting was on, but she had a three hour break, so time to kill. Studying was out of the question. Today had burned her out to the core. Patient after the next demanded her assistance. This was the first time in eight hours she was able to sit down. As much as she wanted to be a doctor, she did hate the job sometimes. Or, most of the time, especially when certain best friends were in a mood with her.

A doctor leaned over and stuffed his hand into her packet of sweets. Polly exclaimed, and jumped to her feet, glaring at him. Sniggering, the doctor returned to his work. 'Fucking prick,' she muttered, having a mouthful of chocolates before turning around and colliding straight into Piper. Polly raised a brow at her, and continued to munch. She honestly had nothing to say.

'Can we talk?'

Polly shrugged. 'I don't know. Can we?'

'Stop acting like an asshole.'

'Okay. Seriously? Seriously? Yeah, seriously.' She had a few more sweets. Piper glanced at the bag. '_No_, you cannot have one. Only good friends share my sweets.'

Piper gave her a look. 'I'm your only friend, Polly.'

'Fuck off.'

'Look, I hate falling out with you. Can we talk? Please?' After a little hesitance, Polly sighed and nodded. She slumped down onto the settee and Piper came to join her. Piper straightened, and Polly was expecting a speech, a ramble, but Piper was silent for a long amount of time. Polly frowned; she was certain Piper was looking a little guilty. 'I understand why you were hiding Alex from me.'

'Oh,' Polly scoffed. 'Got a funny way of showing it, P.'

'I was just upset because you're my best friend, and I thought you'd tell me _anyway_.'

'I was protecting you.'

'She's stuck with a pacemaker, and has had a non-existent immune system since she was a kid. Not exactly the most _frightening_ type.'

'Oh, you forgot to mention she's lesbian. Danger, danger.'

Piper cleared her throat. 'Yeah, about that––'

'So, what happened, Piper? You and her best buddies again now?' She playfully hit her shoulder. '_God_, I hate my job. Here I was, thinking I could get that gay shithead out of the hospital before you saw her. Turns out I couldn't even do that in _two_ days. You know what? I'm so fucking obsessed with my other patients, I might not have considered the pacemaker in the first place.' She sighed, and softened her expression. 'It's that bad?'

A nod. 'Yeah, pretty bad. She's stable, though, and should be out of here by tomorrow.'

'And what about you? You gonna follow her? Like her lost puppy?'

'What's the matter with you?'

'Nothing.'

'Are you jealous?'

'Oh, fuck off. She's _old_, Piper. I'm sure she's a lovely person, with lots of money to spend on you, and I'm sure she's very talented in the tongue area, but I don't trust her one bit.'

'You think I want a relationship with her?'

Polly shrugged, curled her lips. 'Do you? Because you should have heard yourself when you took her chart. Going on about how she's yours.'

'She is mine.' Piper quickly added, 'My patient. She's not my girl–– Polly, I'm a doctor. The first thing we were told was to never form a close attachment with the patient. I don't intend to sleep with Alex, or anything like that. It was a one-night stand.'

'They usually are.'

Piper was getting annoyed, 'She's a good person, okay? And she doesn't deserve the shit she's had to go through.'

'You don't deserve the shit she's put you through.'

'... what has she put me through, Polly?'

'Oh, my God.' Polly pinched the bridge of her nose. 'You're unbelievable, Piper. Because of Alex, you went running into my arms, crying about how she's not single and that you cheated on Larry.' She paused, raised a brow. 'Have you told him what happened? If you intend to rub up against you-know-who, then you should at least have the decency to tell your fiancé you're swinging with someone else now.'

This wasn't getting anywhere. In fact, Piper knew she was just making things worse, and she couldn't tell Polly she had kissed Alex less than an hour ago. What she was saying was such bullshit. She didn't know, for certain, what she wanted with Alex, but she definitely didn't want to lose her. Polly's words hurt, though. Mainly because she was right, and Piper hated it when she was right. 'Are you going to tell him?'

Polly blinked. Frowned. Sat upright. 'Tell Larry you're sleeping with a woman? No, Piper. Friends don't betray each other. Of course you wouldn't understand that, would you?'

'What do you want me to do?'

'I want you to do what's best for you. And... honestly, P, I don't think Alex is what's best for you.'

'You know,' Piper looked down at her hands, 'I don't know if Larry is what's best for me either.'

'Gun to your head, who do you think would be more likely to hurt you? Larry or Alex?' When Piper didn't respond, Polly stood to her feet. 'I thought as much.' She watched her for a short while, but there was nothing left to say. Polly left the staffroom, and Piper continued to sit alone, staring at the wall. She had come in here hoping to make amends with her friend.

So much for that.

Of course Piper knew the answer to that question. Who was the one with the poor immune system, the bad heart, the drugs? Larry was clean, nice. Heck, he was Alex's opposite. Alex screamed with danger and rebellion; she was edgy, and such a thrill to be around. There was no comparison. Larry would offer Piper what she wanted: a secure marriage, a family. The dream.

But, maybe that wasn't enough. Not anymore.

It was ridiculous. Piper had her intern exam approaching, and she was worrying over her relationship with a fucking patient. Her pager went off. Piper shot to her feet and zoomed out of the staffroom, down the hallway and into a ward where her patient was coding. The crash cart was wheeled over instantly, followed by two nurses, and in forty seconds, she managed to resuscitate the man. The panic, the adrenaline, the excitement –– she didn't feel it. Saving the patient was a chore.

Her attending appeared, and Piper listened to his suggestions for treatment, but she wouldn't have done anything different. For the next seven hours, Piper was mobile, checking on patient after patient, diagnosing patient after patient, admitting patient after patient. She met couples, children, widows, widowers, and each had their own little story to tell. By midnight, Piper's shift had ended. Doctor Bennett wished her good night as she passed him, and Piper checked her texts.

Six from Larry.

All asking if she was available to talk, if they could meet for lunch, perhaps dinner. One missed call. Piper stopped walking, leaned against the wall, stared at the floor. She could go home, tell him she had a busy day. He needed to understand she was an intern; her shifts were going to be long. And if he couldn't understand that, then fuck him. Piper was stressed. Beyond stressed. She was fussing over patients so much, she didn't have any time to study, and her attending wasn't going to let her have any time off for revision.

It had been on a whim. Marrying Larry. She was about to enter her internship, and they both knew she would be away from home a lot of the time. In some desperate way to keep their love blossoming, they got engaged. Piper just never expected the marriage date to be so soon. She needed to prioritise what was important. Work was important, work came above everything else.

No one seemed to understand that. No one outside the hospital, at least.

Being a doctor sucked.

Depositing a few charts at the nurses desk, she spotted Daya busy filling in paperwork. Leaning over, Piper asked, 'When was the last time you were home?'

'Home? What's that?'

Piper grinned. 'Fair enough.'

'If this dump is becoming your new place to stay, then you're doing your job right. Just–– don't get cocky about it. I hate cocky doctors.'

'Yeah, me too.'

'Why so blue?'

'Nothing. Just a patient.'

'What's wrong with them?'

Piper looked at her, and considered shutting up, but she had no one else to talk to. 'At the moment, she's fine. Just can't get her out of my head.' Daya said nothing, tapped the end of her pen against her cheek. Piper slammed a palm onto the desk. 'But I should go home. Can't believe I'm wasting all my money on rent, when I spend more time here. Fucking Christ.'

'Good night, Doctor. Oh, by the way? Maybe you should talk to the patient. Just be open with her.'

Open with Alex? Hm. Piper raised her brows, exhaled heavily. 'Yeah, maybe.' She smiled slightly. 'Thanks.' Swivelling around on her heel, Piper left the room and headed towards the changing area. She peeled off her scrubs, and threw on the clothes she came in: jeans, black t-shirt and jacket. As she was leaving the changing room, she considered getting out while she could. She was tired, and she had time to sleep in tomorrow. Plus, she had to think about Larry, what he wanted.

It was half past twelve. Larry was probably asleep.

She deliberately passed Alex's ward, just to glance through and make sure she was stable. To her surprise, she saw Alex sitting upright, reading. Piper fiddled with the sleeve of her jacket, stepped forwards, stopped, and decided to knock on the door. Alex looked up from her novel. Smiled. 'You look a lot better without the scrubs, kid.' Piper smiled back, and entered the room. 'Heading home?'

'Yeah. I am. You might want to sleep.'

'I don't want to.' Alex closed the book. 'Still a little sore from the surgery anyway.'

'Oh.' Piper frowned. 'I can give you something to kill the pain.'

'Please don't. If I have more drugs poured into my bloodstream, I'll end up stoned.' She cocked a brow. 'Not nice being stoned, kid. Don't do drugs.'

'Noted.' Piper grinned. 'Hey, you want to walk around for a bit? We need to make sure your pacemaker is working all right. I don't want you collapsing when you get out tomorrow.'

'Yeah, why not?' Piper stepped back and waited while Alex pulled the sheets off her, and stood to her feet. It was easy; she didn't struggle once, but Piper wasn't sure if this was all an act. Well, if Alex wasn't okay, she would be able to figure it out sooner or later. Piper made a loop with her arm. Alex rolled her eyes. 'Thanks for the boost of confidence, there.'

'Just looking out for you.'

Holding onto her IV stand, Alex slung her arm through, and Piper gradually escorted her out of the ward and into the hallway. At this time of night, the floor wasn't so busy. The odd nurse and doctor walked past, and the majority of patients were asleep. Really, Piper should not have taken Alex out of bed, but they had nothing better to do. Plus, there wasn't any harm in making sure Alex's ticker was working.

It was nice, doing this. A simple, effortless activity. 'How is it?'

'Fine,' Alex replied. 'Your fiancé will start to wonder where you are.'

'He can wonder, then.'

Alex looked at her, mildly surprised. Then, a smile slowly crept over her lips. 'I win?'

'What?' Piper raised her brows. Tried her best to remain as ignorant and innocent as possible.

'This little competition over you. Have I won?'

Piper scoffed. 'Don't hold your breath.'

'Oh, well, that would just be silly, wouldn't it? If I suffocated, then you'd get sued. That wouldn't look very good on your record.'

'I wouldn't get sued. Unless someone _accused_ _me_ of causing the suffocation.'

'I have many friends who can do that for me.'

'Yeah. And you're straight.'

'Don't believe me?'

'You're going to have to prove to me you have loads of friends.'

'Okay. I'll be out of the hospital tomorrow, so when you next have your next day off, we can hang out. Meet all my friends, y'know?'

'Oh, right. Smoke weed in the park?'

'You're catching on, kid.'

They reached the end of the hallway, turned around, and started to head back to Alex's room. Clearly the pacemaker was fine, which they were both happy to discover. Piper and Alex said nothing until Alex reached her bed. She sat on the edge, and looked up at Piper. The blonde should leave. It was nearly quarter past one now. She needed to sleep, Alex needed to sleep.

'Thank you for doing the surgery. I'm–– I'm happy you listened to my advice.'

'Yeah, well. Let's hope it's worth the effort.'

'It will be.'

'What makes you think that?'

Piper thought about what Polly said –– who would hurt her most? Larry or Alex? Right now, it was hard to believe Alex would go ahead and break her heart. She did feel a strong connection with her, she did feel _something_. She liked her so much. She didn't want her to go. Damn it, how Piper felt was obvious when she begged Alex to have the pacemaker. Yeah, the surgery would be worth it, because maybe Piper wanted to be with her, wanted to be there when she left the hospital.

And afterwards, too. She wanted to be with her.

One of them sighed. Piper wasn't sure who. She was lost in her thoughts, in studying Alex's curious expression, and Piper thought back to when they kissed outside the nightclub, how amazing it felt when Alex's hands were on her. She hadn't felt like that before in her life. Piper stepped closer, sat down beside Alex on the bed, said nothing for a while, then reached out to hold her hand.

'You're warmer,' she whispered.

'Got the pacemaker to thank for that.' Alex smiled softly.

'I met Juliet earlier –– this morning. I also met a psych patient who thinks I'm her wife––' Alex cocked a brow, '––But Juliet gave me the impression you two had broken up. Which is confusing, because I thought you two were together again. Want to fill me in here?'

Alex exhaled. Looked away. 'We're finished, kid. We were finished a long time ago.' She shrugged. 'To be honest, I'm not very good at the whole relationship thing. Don't know the rules.'

'That's the whole problem, isn't it? Rules aren't any fun.' Piper trailed her thumb over the back of Alex's hand, and realised she was breathing a little shakily. Possibly nerves. Except, Piper wasn't nervous. Not in the slightest. She was excited, and even though nothing was necessarily happening, she felt this _rush_, this hot, compulsive desire to _do something_. 'Listen, I'm a fucked up mess right now. I don't know where I stand with Larry anymore, and I don't know what's come over me these past few weeks. I've tried to ignore the way I feel, but I can't.'

Their gaze met. Piper's heart fluttered, and she couldn't ignore the sensation.

'You pursued me at the bar. The other night.'

Alex said nothing. She was still, listening, and a shiver shot up Piper's spine.

'... and I liked it. I've... I've never felt...' She paused. '...You know, I've never really thought of myself as a really sexual person, but... ever since...' Piper jarred her teeth, shuffled closer. She knew she was making a mistake admitting this, but it was killing her, keeping it in. She leaned over, whispered into Alex's ear, 'I want to taste what you taste like.' It felt good to confess this, but now Piper was a little nervous. Anything could happen at this point: Alex could kick her out, want nothing do to with her.

Or––

Hand resting on her cheek, Alex kissed her. A long, slow kiss that had an instant hold on Piper. The doctor relaxed, she forgot about Larry, about everything else that _should_ matter. She leaned in, ran her palm up Alex's arm, pushed her mouth harder against hers, making it perfectly clear she was consenting to whatever Alex had to offer. Right now, she was choosing Alex. A reckless decision, one that may cost her internship, but they currently had their privacy, their right to open up.

She was warm, aching for Alex, and she moaned softly when Alex's hand briefly brushed over her breast, craning her neck to the side to deepen the kiss. Piper lost track of time. She kissed Alex for over ten minutes, at least, and didn't pull back until she realised her shift had ended nearly three hours ago, and Alex needed her rest. Lips slightly sore, Piper broke the kiss, exhaled, smiled a little, and stood. She nearly lost her balance, dazed, blown away, _wanting_ more, but she held back.

Alex's expression was illegible. Flustered, Piper approached the door, turned to her. 'I'll see you tomorrow.'

'You will.'

Head spinning, catching her breath, heart racing, Piper left the ward, exited the hallway and out of the hospital. There wasn't a single chance she would be getting any sleep tonight. By the time she was home, Piper still hadn't recovered. It took her fifteen minutes to eventually leave the car, calm herself down. Alex was on her mind every single second.

_Danger, danger_.

**.**

**.**

**.**

She left before Larry woke up. And that had sealed everything –– she told Larry nothing, didn't disturb him. She didn't want to face her fiancé; she couldn't think. Even though her shift didn't start in the few hours, she still wanted to reach the hospital before Alex was dismissed. Polly pouted when she saw her best friend coming in through the door, but before she could make a remark, Piper slapped her hand over her mouth.

'I know: I'm the bitch. I should rot in Hell.'

Releasing her, Piper continued walking away. Polly smiled crookedly and followed her. 'You're not _the_ bitch, Piper. God, you have a fucking ego. Why are you here? Your shift doesn't start until twelve.'

'Thanks, mum, but I'm here to see a patient.'

'Let me guess: 5"10, glasses, horns, nerdy-looking, hooves, pitchfork––'

'_Nice_. She's the Devil.'

'Glad you agree.'

Piper smiled sarcastically. 'Don't you have any patients to visit too?'

'I do, but I don't intend to snog any of them. That's the difference. Piper,' Polly grabbed her arm, and Piper stopped. 'I'm sorry I've been a dick. I was just looking out for you, but you're an adult now or whatever, so, I dunno, do what you want.'

'It means a lot to have your permission.'

'I'm serious, jackass. Just don't get hurt.' Polly scratched the back of her head. 'Don't fuck up.'

Piper tried to smile. She tried to confirm she wouldn't, but she realised she already was. Instead, she simply nodded and avoided answering altogether. She let Polly follow her towards Alex's ward, and she was pleased to see Alex was already dressed, and ready to go. Doctor Healy had just finished discussing her medical treatment, the risks of the pacemaker, a reminder that she shouldn't push herself too hard, and she shouldn't start work for a couple of days. Piper doubted she would obey.

It was silly she was happy to see Alex. Polly rolled her eyes at Piper's expression. Doctor Healy turned to the two doctors, 'Chapman, what are you doing here?'

'Seeing Alex off, sir. I promised I would.'

'And you, Harper?'

Polly frowned. 'You know, I haven't a clue.'

'_Holly_, right?' Alex asked.

'Yeah. It's _Alan_, isn't it?'

Piper narrowed her brows. What? She looked at Alex. 'No more trips abroad. Not for a few months, at least. You were all right last night, but too much strain on your heart may cause complications.' She ignored Polly's blunt expression. 'I guess you already knew that.'

'I've told her everything she needs to know,' Healy said. Alex smiled to herself.

'Oh.'

'You going to escort me to the exit, in case I collapse and die?' Alex teased.

Piper also ignored Polly's "if only". 'Sure. I wouldn't be a good doctor if I didn't.' Both women made their way to the entrance. Most of the time, they walked in silence, but as they passed the receptionist desk, Piper said, 'Can I have your number?'

'Which? I have so many.'

'The number where I can call and text you whenever I want. And you'll reply to my calls and texts instantly.'

'That would be my work phone, then. But I'm not giving you that.' Alex pulled out a pen from her pocket, and gestured Piper to open up her palm. Piper's hand tickled while Alex wrote down her number, 'Best jot that down somewhere. Call me.'

Piper grinned. 'I will. Unless another patient catches my interest first.'

'I doubt that happening.'

Without thought, Piper wrapped her arms around the back of Alex's neck, and embraced her. Alex laughed shortly, and returned her affection, briefly kissing her cheek as Piper pulled away. They held each other's gaze a moment longer, before Alex shoved a hand in her pocket and left the hospital. Piper watched her leave, and couldn't wipe off the smirk.

It was lovely to watch her go. Free. Safe. Healthy.

A few metres away, Healy watched Piper standing alone and turned to Polly. 'Doctor,' he said. She looked at him, 'Tell me, is there anything going on between Alex and Piper?'

'What do you mean, sir?'

'Is it just a flirt, a fling, or is it something serious?'

Polly glanced at Piper. The blonde had turned away from the door and exited the room. Polly looked at her attending again, and shook her head. 'No. No, there's nothing going on between them. Not that I know of, at least. Why?'

'Just curious.'

**.**

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	15. Blurry Lines

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Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>15.<strong>

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**.**

Lately, Alex had struggled not to think about a certain doctor. It was frustrating; incredibly distracting when she was trying to work, and she wasn't exactly earning any praises from her boss. The sudden visit to the hospital had not only interrupted a relatively important meeting, but had caused delays in deliveries, some withheld, others a complete failure altogether. Alex's reputation within the drug ring was finally starting to lose its impact, and she needed to pick up her game, and fast.

So she worked. Constantly. Kept her mobile on at night in case any important messages came through (which gave her about two hours of sleep), laptop always switched on alerting her of emails, and booking several plane tickets for future trips. Once she had her schedule organised again, things were easier to manage, and after a month, Alex was much more in control. Her health hadn't disturbed her business. The pacemaker was doing its job, and it was a relief.

However, she had gone through a very exhausting month, and she could feel the strain. Even though her pacemaker was working, she still didn't feel entirely stable. Maybe this was nerves, or her being pessimistic, but she did wonder how long the pacemaker would last for. Doctor Chapman seemed fairly confident things would turn out smoothly after the surgery, but Doctor Chapman was a sweet intern, who tended to let her emotions get in the way. But, she was smart. Very smart. No doubt one of the best interns within the hospital, so Alex should believe her. Alex should trust Doctor Chapman's word.

The last text she received from her was nearly a fortnight ago. Unfortunately, Alex had neglected to remain in contact with her doctor, but she had been so busy with work, so obsessed. It had always been like this –– Alex always put her work before everything else. She had to.

Grabbing her mobile, Alex sat on the edge of her bed and briefly skimmed through her texts, before finding Piper's. It was a simple question. _How are you? _Piper probably wanted to know if Alex was taking her medication for the TB, if she was looking after herself properly. Or she may just be asking out of curiosity, like a friend would. Or whatever she was. Alex stared at the text, and she wanted to reply. She wanted to pursue what they had, but she was hesitating, mainly because of the fiancé.

Did he even exist in Piper's life anymore? After all, Piper made it perfectly clear she wanted to be with Alex. Didn't she? God, that woman was confusing. But she _had_ been clear. "_I want to taste what you taste like._" Alex felt a shiver shoot up her spine, remembering those soft, yet incredibly seductive words whispered into her ear. Damn it. Damn it, she was confusing. Alex looked back at the text. The only reason she had this pacemaker was because of Piper, the only reason she was alive was because of Piper.

It occurred to Alex her only _reason_ to live was Piper. She was suddenly a necessity. Although Alex didn't need her constantly by her side, she still needed to lean on her every now and again. Piper had _begged_ Alex to accept the pacemaker, _pleaded_ with her. And Alex gave in, for her. For Piper, she had the pacemaker, she stayed. The only reason she was still breathing was because of her doctor, and she shuddered, because it had taken so long to finally hit home. And she could barely come to terms with it all.

_Take her_.

Alex typed out a reply, confirming she was fine, before inquiring whether Piper was okay herself. She didn't expect a response so soon. She received it while she was sending out several emails.

–– _Fine. Life's hectic right now. Getting married next Friday_.

Oh.

Alex frowned, and sent her a reply: –– _Why?_

Several minutes passed. Alex soon gave up waiting and returned to work. She was caught by surprise when her mobile started ringing. The caller was Piper. Uncertain, Alex answered, 'Hey.'

There was a long pause on the other end. '_Hi._' Alex said nothing. Waited. '_Listen, about the wedding... everything's really fucked up right now. I might ask Larry to postpone it. Or something. I know you're busy with work, and I am as well, but can we meet?_'

'I am busy with work,' Alex confirmed. 'But, I have an hour free tomorrow at one.'

'_Okay_.' Another wait. Alex could hear a pen scratching on paper, '_I've booked you in_.'

'Wow. Thanks.'

'_Can you come to the hospital?_' Cringing, Alex faced her laptop. She did not want to visit the hospital. Fuck no. Piper must have realised, because she quickly added, '_We don't have to stay there. We can get coffee somewhere else. Just, can you come to the hospital?_'

'Fine.'

'_How are you?_'

'A little crushed you're going to be taken from me.' Grinning, Alex hoped Piper would realise she was joking, but the doctor didn't laugh. 'Maybe I should crash the wedding. I'm pretty good at doing that.'

'_We can organise that tomorrow. And I'm serious, Alex. Are you all right?_'

'I'm fine,' Alex replied. She lowered her gaze. 'It's good to hear your voice again, kid.'

'_Yeah. It's nice to hear you as well._'

There was relief in her voice. Alex heard Piper sigh before hanging up. Placing her mobile aside, Alex sat in her chair, thinking over the conversation. Piper was getting married next Friday. Possibly. She was engaged. She _belonged_ to somebody else. Only an idiot would meet her tomorrow afternoon to discuss their relationship. But, really, Alex had always been a bit of an idiot.

Straight girls.

Nicky was right: they _did_ fuck you up.

The day sped past. By eleven in the evening, Alex was still working, and by the time she went to bed, she saw she had a text from Piper: –– _Good night x_

She smiled a little and for the first time in weeks, switched her mobile off and fell into the sheets. Alex slept like a log, exhausted and burned out. When her alarm awoke her, she was reluctant to get out of bed. She wanted to stay hidden for as long as possible, but work called, and maybe the thought of meeting Piper later forced her to leave the bed, shower, dress and sort out a few phone calls, emails, all the usual crap. Her throat felt dry when she saw it was time to head for the hospital.

Slipping on her leather jacket, Alex switched off her laptop, stuffed her phone into her pocket and exited her home. It took her approximately twenty minutes to reach the hospital, and she felt very disgruntled to pay for parking, especially when she had been a patient in this fucking place for so long. As soon as Alex saw the entrance to the hospital, she stopped. She didn't want to go in. She couldn't go in. Piper was mad if she thought Alex could visit such a place again.

The longer Alex was out of there, the better.

Luckily, Piper wasn't stupid. She must have known Alex would rather wait outside. The doctor was still dressed in scrubs, and dark rings hung under her eyes. She looked thinner, paler. Alex admittedly felt a little concerned, but she wasn't one to comment on Piper's health. There was something heartwarming about Piper smiling at her as she came over, and despite the stress evident in her appearance, Piper's face still glowed. Alex tried to smile back, but instead felt a pang of envy rush through her.

This whole engagement thing was starting to prod at her more than she expected.

'Thank you for coming. I've been so fucking swamped with work.'

'Sorry for not replying to your text sooner. Guess you're not the only one who's swamped.' Piper's smile faltered. Guilt. Alex decided to ignore that. Together, they headed to the nearest café, ordered a coffee. It was weird to see Piper out of the hospital wearing scrubs, but, then again, it was weird to see her _not_ wearing scrubs. The fact Alex was so used to witnessing Piper in scrubs was quite disheartening. 'You know,' Alex said, running her finger over the rim of her mug, 'This wasn't exactly how I pictured our first date.'

Piper snorted, smiled, but Alex's joke led them to the real issue. Dropping her gaze to her coffee, Piper thought about what to say, where to begin. 'Do you remember when you approached me in the hospital a while ago? You said you–– You said what we had _meant something_.' Hesitantly, she looked up at Alex, and her anxiety only made her appear terribly young. 'Do you still mean that?'

Alex didn't reply straightaway, but she instantly knew her answer. Of course she still meant it. If anything, she meant it more _now_ than she did before. 'You're engaged.'

'I know.'

'Are you excited?'

The pause was enough to confirm otherwise. Piper closed her eyes, pinched the bridge of her nose. 'Fuck.'

At this point, Alex had to sympathise a little. 'If it helps, I'm no better myself, kid. I mean, I'm not exactly _innocent_ and I haven't been very committed to relationships in the past. It's tricky shit.' She shrugged. 'We suck.'

'He said if my job is controlling my life, I should quit. Because I'm never going to be happy with my workload.' Piper inhaled, raised her brows. 'But he has it _so wrong_. I've wanted to be a doctor since I was fourteen –– I might have been influenced by both of my parents being doctors as well, but still: it's my choice. He just doesn't seem to understand.' She trailed off, sipped her coffee. It was quiet for a while. Piper flicked her gaze back at Alex, clenched a fist, 'As your doctor, I need to ask if––'

'I've been taking my medication,' Alex murmured. 'You don't need to keep checking on me.'

'Who else is going to?'

'I can take care of myself.'

'Like you were going to take care of yourself when you had heart failure?' Piper stopped. Looked away. 'Forget it.'

'I don't want you as my doctor outside the hospital.'

Piper sighed heavily, ran a hand through her hair. 'Great. That's great, Alex. You know, maybe I should give you a high dosage of my _foot up your ass_ and see if that'll make a difference.'

'What do you want from me, Piper? Tell me this: is that man you want to marry the love of your life? Because I'd _hate_ to stand in the way of something that could be so _beautiful_.'

'Sarcasm. Perfect.'

Alex laughed, 'Oh, my fucking God. Do you have any idea what you sound like? You're giving me attitude when you're the one who's doing all the fucking around. I'm not the one who's considering having an affair.'

'Fuck's sake––'

'And I don't want to be an alternative. I like you, but I'm not going to be your mistress. Even if you pull that sad look at me that probably works on your fucking boyfriend––' Piper rolled her eyes, '––But you said it yourself, kiddo: you refuse to get involved with a patient.'

'Kiddo? _Seriously_?' Alex shrugged. Piper growled, impatient. 'Don't you get it? I didn't want to stay in contact with you in case I felt lonely. I haven't done any of this for my sake. I want to help you, and... I don't know what _I_ want, Alex. This whole thing is fucked up. I just–– I can't _stand_ the thought of you being attached to a fucking IV again. When I first met you, you looked so ill. It scares me what might happen to you if I'm not around, and I don't care if you're willing to die and give up. I really don't. Because I want you to stay alive––'

'Thought you said this wasn't for your sake.'

'Fine. _Fine_!' Piper raised her hands in defence, and scowled. She had had enough. She wasn't going to be subtle anymore. She was done with being subtle. 'I care about you, okay? I care about you so much, and I can't sleep at night because you are _constantly_ on my fucking mind, Alex. I told myself to never _ever_ get involved with a patient, because I knew it would destroy my career; it would destroy everything around me. But then you came along. Then you _fucking_ came along and–– and now? I don't know, Alex. I don't _fucking know_! If you honestly expect me to have answers on how I feel, then you can go _fuck yourself_, because I've got nothing. I don't know what's wrong with me, and I don't know why you mean so much to me.'

She came to an abrupt end, inhaling shakily, tears welling up in her eyes. Piper glared at the coffee and shoved the mug away, before standing to her feet.

'I wanted to talk to you about this, but you're right: I should stick with my _fucking boyfriend_.'

'I never said that––'

'I'll leave you alone, then. I won't nag you to take your medication. You can fuck yourself up again for all I care.' Piper couldn't say anymore. She was out of breath, so fucking furious with herself, with the entire situation. Before Alex was able to let out a word, Piper stormed past and out of the café. Damn it, damn it, _damn it_. Piper roughly wiped her eyes, tried her best to ease the tight, harsh sensation forming in her chest, the soreness of her throat from wanting to burst into tears.

God, she had fucked up. She had _fucked up_. Piper knew she was being unfair, she knew she was acting like an absolute dickhead, but she didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to stop thinking about Alex, she didn't know how to stop remembering her so sick, the pale skin, pink rings under her eyes, the _blood_ from her TB, the effect her weak heart had on her. Alex had no one. She had lost her mother, and even if she said otherwise, Piper knew she didn't have many friends. Fuck, she probably didn't have _any _because she was so obsessed with work, so obsessed in thinking about her _own_ needs.

Entering the hospital, Piper barged past several staff members and proceeded for the lavatory. She locked herself in one of the cubicles, sat on the toilet seat, and stayed there for a good few minutes before finally letting go. Quietly, she sobbed, scrunched her eyes closed, and let out every single tear desperate to break free. A horrid pain flooded within her and she had to hold herself, trying desperately to forget, to just erase every memory she had of that fucking _idiot_.

But it was too late. It was much too late. Piper couldn't forget.

_I won't talk to her again. I won't go anywhere near her. I won't touch her. I'll just continue to keep my head down, mind my own business, stop caring about my patients so much. I won't consider Alex ever again. Never again. She's nothing. She's nothing to me._

The sound of her pager forced her to wipe her face, remove the frown, and leave. Continue working as if nothing had happened. Fool the patients to believe she was a good doctor, an efficient doctor, a professional doctor. When, in fact, she was everything but.

Denying the inevitable was foolish. Piper had fallen in love with a patient; she had broken a promise she made to herself the day she started as a medical student. And it was hideous.

**.**

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**.**

Polly knew Piper had only agreed to take on another doctor's shift because she was avoiding Larry. Being on-call was far from pleasurable. The hospital was a little whacky at night, and the patients who came in were not exactly the friendliest. Most of them tended to be drug addicts, alcoholics, teenagers who needed their stomach pumped, the odd car crash. It was miserable, working on-call, but Piper would rather be stuck in this building than having to face her boyfriend.

Unfortunately, Polly couldn't stay. She seemed to have forgiven Piper for their fallout, and gave her a long hug before leaving for the night. Piper busied herself with checking up on one of her paediatric patients who had recently been admitted for a severe asthma attack. He was stable, thankfully, but very reluctant to fall asleep. In fact, the boy was scared, and wanted his mother. It was nothing unusual. Young patients always wanted their parent nearby. Heck, even some of the older ones did.

It was weird. No matter how much one aged, they never truly got past the stage of depending on another. Even if they were too proud to admit it. And maybe that was Alex's problem. She was too damn proud to admit she needed help. Exiting a ward, Piper returned several charts behind the nurses' desk, and drummed her fingers against the surface, idly watching a doctor push a patient's wheelchair down the hallway. She was so fucking tired, her legs were aching, and her back hurt.

'Hey there, Dandelion.'

Oh, _fuck no_. Piper whipped her head around and widened her eyes when she saw Suzanne grinning at her. 'Should you be down here at this time of night?'

'Just wanted to check on my wife––'

'I'm not your wife,' Piper snapped. 'I'm not anybody's wife.'

'_Ooh_, hard to get? I've seen that type before –– it's all cool, Dandelion, I'll play along.'

This was unbelievable. 'Come on, I need to take you back upstairs.'

The moment Piper rested a hand on Suzanne's shoulder, the other woman twitched violently, and quickly moved out of Piper's reach. 'Whoa, whoa, _whoa_, _whoa_. I gotta clean this place.' She wagged her finger at Piper. 'Don't want you falling over again.'

'Ah.'

'I got a sign this time, Dandelion. _Cau-tion_! You know? So you won't slip.'

'That's very thoughtful. Thank you.'

'All for you, Dandelion.' Suzanne patted the left side of her chest, possibly to signify her heart. 'I gotta go. Clean the floors. Clean my _mind_ of all the dark and twisty stains.'

Piper nodded and said nothing more, eager for Suzanne to leave her alone. As soon as she rounded the corner, Piper sighed in relief and slumped over the nurses' desk. What the Hell was that all about? She propped herself on one elbow, and stared at the wall. She had paperwork to finish, but she couldn't feel less motivated. She considered ringing Larry –– just telling him everything. Maybe Suzanne was right: Piper needed to come clean, refresh her head, be honest with herself and those around her.

But hurting Larry –– someone who had not wronged her in the slightest? How could she?

Piper froze. Was she really that cruel?

What had happened to her? What had happened to the enthusiastic, smiling medical student? What had happened? What was she turning into? How could she be so stupid? Letting her emotions get the better of her. How could she want a patient? How could she fall in love with a patient? How could she do such a thing? _Fuck you, Piper. Fuck you, fuck you_.

'I got a song for you, Dandelion.'

Piper jumped in surprise. 'Oh!' She looked at Suzanne, who was now holding a dripping mop. 'What?'

'I gotta song for you.'

'Look, I'm really busy,' Piper insisted, grabbing a nearby chart so as to distract herself.

From behind, she heard Suzanne step closer, and then, '_Chocolate and vanilla, swirl... swirl... swirl..._'

'Shit.'

'Got plenty more where that came from.'

'Aren't I _lucky_?'

'Oh, you have no idea, Dandelion––'

'Suzanne?' Piper shot her head up when she saw a doctor approaching the two women. 'What did I say about distracting the doctors? They're very busy. Remember, you were going to clean the hallways before the patients woke up in the morning?' The therapist glanced at Piper, and she mouthed a "thank you" his way. Suzanne laughed, and slapped Piper on the back, causing the blonde to flinch.

'I was just keeping Doctor Chapman company, sir. She gets lonely at night.'

'Does she? Well, I'm sure Doctor Chapman will be fine.'

Piper closed her eyes. Oh, dear God. Suzanne grinned wide, looked over at Piper, 'Bye bye, Dandelion.' Then, finally, she was gone, the therapist following after her. Piper slumped her shoulders, wishing Suzanne hadn't accidentally told the truth.

Yes, Piper was lonely. Even if she could call her mother, Larry, Polly –– she felt very much alone.

For the next three hours, she checked on her patients, filled in paperwork, studied for her approaching exam, watched a little television in the staffroom. The only other doctor there was half asleep, too busy downing coffee to notice her presence. Piper exhaled. Stood to her feet, and left, running her hand across the wall as she approached one of her patient's wards. She wondered if she had really screwed things up with Alex. If that was it. If they would never speak again.

Maybe Alex hated her. Maybe Alex realised what a selfish bitch Piper was, how _fucked up_ she was. Doctors. Even Piper was beginning to hate them.

It was four in the morning by the time Piper made her way back to the staffroom. Her eyes were sore, and she was close to collapsing altogether. She swore when she accidentally dropped her chart, but before she could reach out to grab it, someone else beat her. Piper stiffened, and stared at Alex as she passed over the chart. Millions of questions flooded into her mind, but she couldn't voice any. No. No, she didn't want to see Alex. Not after what happened. Piper snatched the chart, stood still.

Alex wasn't angry. Her expression was illegible. She didn't want to be here, she hated this hospital, hated everything about it. But she had come back for Piper, she had come to her.

'May we talk?'

'About?'

'What a fucking shit you are.'

'I can't do this, Alex.'

'I want you in my life, too.'

'... what?'

'I only got that pacemaker because of you. You don't get to leave me. Not now.' Piper couldn't move. Her heart was beating so fast; she was panicking. No, no she wasn't panicking. Whatever she felt –– it was good. Alex had come back to her. Her vision was blurred while she took Alex's hand and escorted her towards the one-call room. The older woman frowned, 'Where are we going?' Piper didn't respond. She couldn't respond because so many fucking thoughts were attacking her, and she couldn't pinpoint the problem. She couldn't figure anything out. She was blind, fucking blind.

Flicking on the light switch, Piper locked the door so as to give them privacy. Alex narrowed her brows again, waiting for Piper to say something. Waiting for Piper to think of some miraculous decision, waiting for Piper to come to her senses, waiting for Piper to kick her out again because they wouldn't work. They were a doctor and a patient. A doctor and a drug trafficker. They wouldn't last.

It was a disaster.

A fucking disaster.

'What are we doing here?'

_You don't get to leave me. Not now_.

Piper dropped the chart, grabbed Alex by the scruff of her collar, and kissed her hard on the mouth. Instantly, Alex responded, resting a hand at the back of Piper's head, kissing her with equal enthusiasm. Piper felt her entire body fall apart, and she gasped, already starting to lose balance when she felt Alex's lips move to her neck, grabbing a fistful of hair and kissing her again. Piper pulled off Alex's jacket, her top, wrapped her arms around her, smashing their lips together, feeling every inch of her bare skin, desperately tugging at her bra strap. There was no patience, no calmness, there was nothing.

Barely able to breathe, Piper helped Alex shove her off her scrub top, allowed Alex to touch her breasts, and, yes, yes, it all felt so familiar, so familiar, and she had missed this. She had wanted this, desired this for weeks. Her pager clattered to the ground when her trousers were removed, still lip locked as Piper's head hit the mattress, running a hand through Alex's hair, raising her hips, the heel of her foot pressing into Alex's back. She removed Alex's glasses, barely conscious of the fact she had carelessly dropped them to meet her pager. She was shaking, hot, gasping for breath, holding onto Alex ever so tight as they met each other, her fingers, tongue, so delicate, skilled, experienced, and when Piper came it was warm, soft.

'I can't do this,' she whispered afterwards, but she didn't stop.

And for the first time, she felt Alex's heat, heard her moan, shatter away before her. Erase the haunting chill this hospital carried, and Piper loved her the way she should have been loved years ago. By the end, they kissed, breathless, beaten, their lies, whispers, touches locked away behind closed doors. Forbidden to be witnessed, forbidden to be told.

A catastrophic secret waiting to be unveiled.

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**author's note**: Hello! I have a few announcements to make.

One –– I've created a "photoset" for this story on Tumblr. The link to my blog is on my profile, and you can find it there. Just click on the "fanfiction" tab and you'll see it. I was pretty chuffed to discover Schilling was a doctor in _Mercy_ and Prepon was a patient in _House M.D._ Coincidence? I think not! Screenshots from those two series were certainly useful in creating the photoset. If you're happy to reblog the post, or like it, I'll be more than appreciative. But I'm not pushing anything.

Two –– The cover of my novel is finished. I have a little editing to do to it, but I intend to have my novel published on amazon before October when my second year at Uni starts. I understand if some of you are not interested in my novel, and I'm sorry for wasting your time with this. However, I'll probably post a separate chapter announcing the novel has been published. After that, you won't hear about it again, I promise.

Three –– _Behind Closed Doors_ is my full priority now. _Lockdown_ is sort of on the sidelines at the moment. I want to get this story going, as there is a lot of drama to be focussed on later. I don't intend to be nice to Piper and Alex, but, hey, if you've read my other Vauseman works, you may not be surprised.

I found this chapter complicated to write. Mostly because I kind of feel bad for Piper and what a mess she's put herself in. She _is_ officially having an affair now, but not everything is in black and white. I could write her having dump Larry straightaway, but that wouldn't feel right to me. God knows what'll happen, though. I may have an outline of the plot, but my writing is out of my control. Anyway, please tell me what you think of this chapter. I kind of need a bit of a kick in the backside, because I'm lacking a lot of confidence in my writing skillz. So, your feedback is extremely important to me right now.

Lastly, I feel bad for not thanking each reviewer individually, so I'm going to return to doing that. Thank you **tatimac**, **PheonixTears87**, **[ lj ]**, ** [ Basic ]**, **Maritexxam**, **I'mAtAPayphone**, **ToTheBarricades**, the two **[ Guest ]** reviewers, **bluepaintbox**, **bookiewookieworm**, **izzielg**, **reesefries**, **Cherishedngadsden** and **Al3xAF **for reviewing the prior chapter. Until next time!


	16. A Beautiful Mess

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Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>16.<strong>

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'Do a lot of doctors hook up with patients in the on-call room?'

'Only all the time.'

'Really?'

'I have no idea.'

Piper didn't care either. Raising herself onto her elbows, she kissed Alex softly. She had lost track of time, but her pager hadn't gone off, so she wasn't in any trouble. Hopefully, she wouldn't get in any trouble at all. Hopefully, this –– whatever this was –– would remain a secret, but there was just one problem: Larry.

Gradually, her eyes fell onto the scar where Alex's pacemaker was inserted. It was a clean wound, and had healed quite a lot already. The soreness had disappeared, and when her finger lightly grazed across the wound, it was smoother than she thought. She kissed Alex again, her hands running down her sides, over the curve of her waist, but suddenly her pager started beeping. Their kiss ended abruptly, and Piper sighed in frustration.

Alex rolled off her onto her front, and watched as Piper reached over to grab her pager. She read the message. Doctor Healy wanted to see her in Room 206. Off the top of her head, she didn't know which patient was in there, but she'd find out soon enough. Turning over, she looked at Alex, 'I have to go.'

Unintentionally, she studied the rose tattoo on her arm, the pepper shaker illustrated across her shoulder, the interesting band around her wrist. Alex must have caught her staring, but she didn't say anything. Shuffling out of the sheets, Piper searched for her scrubs. While she dressed, she felt Alex's eyes on her, and her cheeks reddened in embarrassment. Once her top was on, she faced Alex, smiling crookedly.

'What are you staring at?'

Piper wouldn't have considered Alex beautiful before. She always found her attractive, but not necessarily beautiful. Pretty wasn't the appropriate word for her either. Alex was smooth, sexy, but _normal_. She had a startling appearance, but it was toned down, it was steady, relaxed. She was nice to look at, and Piper had always been fond of her eyes, the dark makeup, how she raised her glasses through her hair, revealing more of her face. Alex was confident in her own skin –– or she seemed to be anyway –– and her confidence was seductive.

Not to mention her voice managed to make Piper _melt_. Surprisingly soothing when things got intimate, but clear and authoritative out of the bedroom. Alex's voice was very distinctive, and Piper had grown rather fond of it. But she never thought Alex as beautiful. Not until this moment, at least. Propped on one elbow, there was something youthful and childish about the way Alex watched her. Her skin was a creamy white, soft and warm to touch, her black hair a sharp contrast to her light complexion, the blue highlights on fire. She had a body most women wished they had: curvaceous and feminine. Piper found it incredibly difficult to not stare in awe when Alex was finally bare to her. She was so _normal_.

All of that was hidden behind a callous, witty and deceptive façade. Yet, somehow, Piper had stripped it away. Looking at her now, Piper was tempted to remove her scrubs and jump back into bed with her. Without even trying, Alex made her feel excited, and her cheeks burned all the more when she felt something trickle down her leg.

'You,' Alex confirmed, smirking.

Piper scoffed, threw Alex's jacket at her. 'I'd ask you to wait for me, but I doubt you'll do that.'

'Come round to mine after work.'

The idea sounded lovely. Piper grinned, then remembered about her boyfriend. 'Oh, shit.'

'What?'

'I can't. I have–– I can't, Alex. I have a fiancé.'

'So?' Alex shuffled to the end of the bed, and took her glasses. 'Just tell him you're hanging out with a friend.' She pulled them on, then faced Piper again. 'He's going to have you all to himself next Friday, anyway.'

'I don't know where you live.'

'Text me when your shift ends. I'll pick you up.'

Piper had to laugh a little. 'You own a car?'

'Shut up. Yeah, I _do_ own a fucking car. If you think that's a shock, just wait until you see my place.' She let that hang, 'I'll catch you when you faint.'

'_Okay_, I'm going.' Piper approached the door. 'Your smugness is pissing me off. Get dressed quickly. I don't want any doctors coming in and seeing you like this.'

'Why?' Alex frowned, already pulling on her top. 'Afraid they'll come join me?'

Piper threw her a blunt expression. 'And people call me cocky.'

'Go on, kid. Save lives.'

'Right.'

'Try not to kill anyone.'

'Har har.' Piper rolled her eyes, but smiled, and reluctantly left the on-call room. By the time she reached the ward Healy wanted her in, she was still smiling. It was already six in the morning, and she was bashful to realise she had been in that on-call room for nearly three hours. Healy raised his brows expectantly when she finally arrived. 'Sorry I'm late, sir. A patient threw up on me.' It was wrong to lie, but she couldn't tell the truth.

There was something funny in the way Healy looked at her. He clearly wasn't convinced, but instead of informing her, he turned to their patient. She was a pregnant woman, who had just entered labour a few hours ago. She, currently, wasn't in any pain thanks to the meds, but it was soon time for her to give birth. Her husband arrived on the scene, and the anticipation was already building. When Healy asked Piper to go over what would happen, she delivered the information well, comfortingly, and both the mother and father were reassured.

Everything was going to be fine.

As she said this, Piper was talking to herself as well. Everything was going to be fine. She might have slept with Alex moments ago, but everything was going to be fine. Sooner or later, she would come to a decision. Her or Larry. Because that happened a lot, right? She would eventually choose one of them. The right one.

Whoever that was.

Healy took Piper by the arm when they were done, and escorted her out of the ward. 'Do you want to tell me the _real_ reason you were delayed?'

'Sir, I told you. A patient was sick.'

'Which patient?'

Piper swallowed. 'Is there a problem, sir?'

'I just find it curious that you suddenly disappeared for the past three hours. Doctor Malkovitch informed me he last saw you in the staffroom and haven't been seen since. You do know that, when on-call, you have to constantly be alert. That doesn't mean you get to swan off whenever you damn well please. So, Chapman, what were you doing?'

The heat rose in her cheeks again, but for an entirely different reason. Piper said nothing at first. She was terrified Healy might have discovered her relationship with Alex, but that was impossible. Still, his insistence was unsettling and it annoyed her. She was a good doctor; she did her work, and she only had patients to check on. There were no emergencies; it had been an unusually peaceful evening. Healy was glaring at her.

Piper replied, 'I fell asleep in the on-call room, sir. I'm sorry.'

For a while, he was silent, and he continued to glare until, finally, he rolled back his shoulders and softened his expression. 'Don't do it again.' His voice was stern, unfriendly, and Piper nodded. She didn't move while he walked away, out of sight. Exhaling in relief, Piper glanced at the clock. Larry would be getting up right about now.

She headed to the locker room. Pulled out her mobile and dialled his number. She had no idea what she was going to say. Her heart was racing, she was panicking. That encounter with Healy had put her on edge. Leaning against her locker, she pinched the bridge of her nose and waited for Larry to pick up. He didn't. Instead, she got the answering machine.

'Fuck.' Piper waited until she heard the _beep_. 'Hey... You're not awake, I guess? Listen, I––' Now she was beginning to feel guilty. 'I'm meeting up with a friend later, and then I have to return to the hospital to do a little work. I'll see you tomorrow, maybe? Or sometime today?' She waited, as if expecting an answer. 'I hope you're okay. See you soon.' Reluctantly, Piper hung up and sighed. It was odd Larry didn't pick up.

It was as if he knew what she had done. It was as if he knew she had cheated on him. Piper returned the mobile to her locker. She hesitated, uncertain if she could face anymore patients today. She didn't think she could face anyone, except Alex. Out of curiosity, Piper came back to the on-call room they slept in. She wasn't there. She was gone. Vanished.

Bizarrely, Piper already missed her. And, bizarrely, she wasn't looking forward to the wedding. How could her mood change so quickly? Earlier, she was smiling and happy and now, everything was just shattering around her. She was having an affair, and Piper was an idiot to believe this affair could continue. Alex or Larry –– she needed to make up her mind, and fast. Not only did her relationship with Larry hang in the balance, but so did her career.

If Piper wanted what was best for Piper, she would dump Alex.  
>If Piper wanted what was best for Larry, she would dump Alex.<br>If Piper wanted what was best for Alex, she would dump Alex.

But, she didn't know if she wanted what was best for her, or what she _needed_. Because even if medicine was her life, she had never connected with anyone before, except Alex. Piper imagined a life without her. Piper imagined marrying Larry, continuing her profession, becoming a resident, then an attending, succeeding and making her family proud. She imagined a house –– a home –– with a picket fence, a small garden, and children.

She imagined the doctor, stuck in a relationship she wasn't happy with.

She imagined the drug dealer, seeing no point to life anymore. She imagined Alex chucking away the medication, forgetting about what was good for her. She imagined Alex overdosing, drowning in her own blood –– _No_. No, no. It wasn't fair of Alex to throw so much responsibility on Piper. "_I only got that pacemaker because of you._" Oh, God. "_You don't get to leave me. Not now_." What had she done? What had she done?

"_You don't get to fuck me around like this._" And her own voice, her own words, came tumbling back. "_I want you to stay alive_." Piper stopped, pressed a hand against the wall. "_––Don't leave me. Let me give you a point to live. Please_." Piper had begged her to stay alive, _begged _her. No doctor would _beg_ for a patient to keep breathing, no doctor in their right mind would allow this to happen. Piper swore under her breath.

She had fucked up.

"_I want what's best for you._"

"_No, you want what's best for __**you**_."

Fuck. Fuck, she didn't want to see Alex on a hospital bed again, a nasal cannula strapped around her head, being fed through a fucking IV bag, _incapable_ of moving around because her heart wasn't working. She didn't want to see Alex suffer. Not again. And the only reason she had the surgery was because of her. Piper inhaled sharply. Without realising, she had told Alex how she felt. Without realising, she had made Alex essential in her life.

Her shift was coming to an end. Piper did a few minutes of studying, checked on a patient, before heading to the locker room and stripping off her scrubs. She released herself from the burden of keeping men and women alive. She stripped herself from everything that weighed on her shoulders, and she thought –– _fuck this_. Fuck this. She would be with Alex. She would be with Alex because she made her happy, and she loved her. She _loved_ her. Even if she loved Larry too, she wasn't willing to risk losing Alex.

Right now, she couldn't possibly do that. She was too scared. (Too selfish.)

The moment she insisted Alex get the pacemaker, she might as well have consented to being in a relationship with her. She might as well have offered herself to her right then and there, because that was _exactly_ what she was doing. Alex understood her job, she understood Piper was working all the time and she didn't criticise her for it. Alex understood Piper's stress and was willing to help her through the trauma of being a doctor. She was willing to be there and surely that was enough. Surely that was enough to make Piper want her.

"..._ you want what's best for __**you**_."

She retrieved her mobile once she was out of the hospital. Piper squinted, a little taken aback by the ray of sunshine. She texted Alex, confirming her shift had finished. Truthfully, Piper wasn't expecting Alex to respond straightaway. She had a job, and a demanding one at that. However, Piper was surprised when she received a response immediately. Alex was going to be ten minutes, and told Piper to wait at the entrance for her.

It was ridiculous. As soon as Piper received her text, she was smiling, forgetting everything, forgetting every fucked up thought running through her mind. As promised, Alex arrived. Piper watched as a black porsche drove towards her, and her smile broadened. It was a fancy car. Showy. It suited her. Alex stepped out of the car, and Piper rolled her eyes. 'Nice. Trying to impress me?'

'I don't need to do that,' Alex replied, taking Piper's bag from her. 'Did you ring the boyfriend?'

'Yeah...' Piper watched Alex dump the bag into the boot, and they both sat in the car. The blonde was grinning again, running her eyes over the leather seats, spotless windows, shiny surface. 'God, this is outrageous.'

'Don't be jealous, Piper. It doesn't look good on you.'

'I'm not jealous, jackass.' Piper looked at her. Sniggered. 'Are you some rich bitch then?'

'Very. I like to think I'm not a bitch, though. I'm nice.'

'Mm.'

'Whatever you do, don't press the red button.' Piper raised her brows and looked at the red button at the front. There was a brief pause, until Alex laughed. 'You're so gullible. That's the "on" switch to the radio.'

'Aw. I was hoping it'd make the car drive at the speed of light.' She pouted.

'Pft, I don't need a button in order to do that.'

'Don't you dare drive past the speed limit. I've had to deal with enough patients who have been dumb enough to do that.'

Alex grinned, 'Fine. I'll drive slowly. For you.'

Piper squinted her eyes, suspicious. To no one's surprise, Alex did just that. Driving excruciatingly slow, she pulled out onto the main road, and continued to go at no more than ten miles per hour. She was actually causing traffic behind her. Piper swore at her, 'Fuck you! I meant drive _responsibility_. You are such a fucking–– Whoa!' Piper fell back in her seat when Alex stepped down on the accelerator, and they shot off down the road. Clearly there was driving at a snail's pace, or driving like a madwoman. There was no in between. 'Swear to fucking God, Alex, if you don't slow up you'll be glad I'm a fucking doctor!'

Pressing the button to roll down Piper's window, Alex started to laugh, 'Have some fresh air too!'

Piper glared, most unimpressed with her hair flying about. 'I hope you fall over and die.'

'Haha, look at you, _all vindictive_.'

It was hard to not grin. Piper pursed her lips. Alex wasn't a fool, though. She grinned that annoyingly smug grin of hers. Piper wasn't sure if she wanted to punch her in the jaw or kiss her. Both, probably. Yes, definitely both. 'If you're not careful, you'll see just how vindictive I can be.'

'I'd love to see that.'

'I bet you do.'

'By the way, I've got to do a quick stop somewhere. You're welcome to come with me. I have a few packages to deliver.'

'Oh? What's in them?'

'Heroin.'

'... _Oh_.'

Alex snorted. 'I'm kidding. It's actually food. I sort of do favours for a woman who goes by the name of Red. Russian, sort of like the cool grandmother with anger problems. She owns a shelter where a bunch of girls go, most of them drug addicts.'

'Wait, aren't you a drug _dealer_?' Piper frowned. 'Uh.'

'None of them are my customers. Although some used to be.'

'Why are you doing favours for her?'

Alex shrugged. 'She doesn't like what I do, but she kept me in line when I was a kid. My mum was working most of the time, so she helped me out when I was stuck in the hospital. I owe her.'

It was nice to hear Alex talk about her past, even if it wasn't the happiest. Piper smiled softly, and decided to go with Alex. The journey didn't last long. They arrived at what looked like a flat, a sign at the front with the name of the building: "The Ghetto". Piper cocked a brow, and stepped out of the car while Alex got the bags of food. The Ghetto didn't look like the cleanest of places, and there were cigarettes scattered at the entrance. She looked at Alex, and gave her an uncertain expression. Alex, on the other hand, was unnerved and she offered a reassuring smile Piper's way, before the two approached the door.

Alex pressed on the buzzer, and a woman with a stern, Russian accent was heard, '_What_?'

'Hey, it's Alex. Let me in.'

Piper swallowed when the door was unlocked. Fiddling with the sleeve of her jacket, she stepped inside and was amazed at what she saw. Even though this was just the entrance, it was shockingly clean and smelt fresh. If there really were drug addicts in here, then they were in a place of luxury. The walls were a spotless, creamy white, windows polished thoroughly. The staircase winded upwards, and Piper followed Alex to the third landing.

As they entered the hallway, Piper could hear chattering, the clatter of dishes and cutlery, and the wonderful smell of food. It smelt divine! Spices, chicken –– a curry? Piper was eager to know what. She hadn't tasted anything good for weeks, because of her job. The Ghetto was starting to look more like a school. Paintings from, no doubt, the girls who lived here were stuck across the walls, and most looked like what children would produce.

Before Alex could reach the room at the end of the hallway, a woman appeared with crazy hair, beaming, 'You're alive!' Piper's smile fell when she realised the woman was Nicky Nichols. 'You know, I actually thought you weren't gonna make it this time.'

'Wow, thank you,' Alex smiled crookedly. 'Fortunately, I had Piper who got me back on my feet.'

Nicky turned to Piper. 'Oh. Did she now?'

Perfect. 'Hi,' Piper said dumbly.

'Lookin' good without those scrubs, Blondie.' Nicky approached Piper while Alex disappeared into one of the rooms. 'Hey, lemme introduce you to all of these nice gals. They _love_ doctors.' Piper wasn't so sure about that and felt even more awkward when Nicky wrapped an arm around her shoulders, leading her to the left. 'Now, some of us _bite_, but as long as you don't antagonise them, you should be fine.'

'Oh. Oh, right.'

'I mean, we had to put one of us in a muzzle, just to settle her down, you know?' Piper stared at her in horror. Nicky burst out laughing, 'Christ, kid, I'm joking! We're _lovely_. Come on.' With reluctance, Piper allowed Nicky to drag her into what looked more like a play area than anything. Sofas were across the room, alongside some chairs, a table, various board games, a television, piles of DVDs and lots more activities. It honestly didn't look so bad. 'Oi, everyone, this is Piper Chapman. Oh, shit, sorry –– _Doctor_ Chapman. She's a doctor.'

Nothing was more terrifying. Piper was stunned as about twenty women turned to stare at her. The room became hauntingly quiet, and she gulped, waiting for somebody to break the awkward silence. Eventually, a woman sitting nearby spoke up, 'What kind of doctor are you?' She sneered. Piper tried to smile as pleasantly as possibly.

'A medicine doctor.'

'What, like a people doctor?'

Piper nodded. The other woman cocked a brow. 'You don't look like one.'

'Oh... How does one look like a doctor?'

'They're scarier,' another woman said. 'They also wear those blue pyjama things.'

'Scrubs?' Piper suggested.

The woman scowled. 'No need to get all smart on me, _bitch_.' Piper flinched. 'Don't know the fucking name of your uniform.'

'I've always wanted to be a doctor,' another woman said, younger, possibly around Piper's age. 'But I'm not smart enough.'

'You got that right.'

'Shut up. I'm smarter than you.'

'Bitch, you didn't even know there were other countries besides the USA. Sit the fuck down.'

Piper just stared in silence. She had no idea what happened, and thought it wise to remain out of any further discussion. Nicky turned to her, 'They get nicer as you get to know them. Not exactly the brightest lot, but they're pretty good.'

'Do you live here?'

'Sometimes. I prefer this place to my mother's, that's for sure.'

Their conversation was interrupted when Alex appeared at the doorway, 'Hey, Piper, come back through here. I want you to meet Red.' More than relieved to be taken away, Piper was about to follow Alex, but Nicky quickly grabbed her hand.

'Word of advice: don't say anything unless she asks you a question.'

'Okay.'

Nicky smiled crookedly. 'Good luck, kid.'

Unsure of what that was supposed to mean, Piper left the room and caught up with Alex at the end of the hallway. They both entered a kitchen, where three women were busy cooking a meal. One of them was a middle-aged woman, with red, fierce spiky hair. She had a sort of motherly look to her, but the moment their eyes met, Piper stiffened. This woman demanded authority and she didn't even have to say a word.

'This the one?' She asked, wiping her hands with a towel.

Alex replied, 'Yeah.'

'Seems shy.'

Piper's cheeks reddened.

'She's nice. She's a doctor.' Alex rested a hand on Piper's back, encouraging her to step closer. 'You like doctors, right?'

'I like them when they know how to treat their patients.' Red's eyes trailed down Piper's appearance, then back to her face. Her expression was blunt, unnerving and Piper tried to smile. Then, to her surprise, Red's expression softened slightly and she offered a hand to shake. 'You helped Vause with her heart and TB –– I guess you're not too bad.'

'Thank you,' Piper replied, taking her hand.

'How old are you?'

'I'm sorry?'

'How _old_?'

'Uh, I'm twenty four.'

Red cocked back her chin, glanced at Alex, then back at her. 'Young.' Piper blinked, lowered her gaze. 'First year, then? An intern?'

'Yes.'

'How's that working out for you?'

'Fine. A bit hectic, but it's fine.'

Red smiled a little. 'Engaged, too?'

Piper widened her eyes, then remembered she was wearing her ring. 'Oh. Yeah.'

'Young, a doctor, shy, smart –– and also engaged. Vause, you're lowering your standards.' She sighed, threw the towel over her shoulders. 'You and Nicky never had any, though.' Turning around, she checked on some food cooking in a saucepan. Piper looked at Alex who was smiling to herself, before facing Red again. 'So, Doctor, I was hoping I could arrange a time to see you? One of my girls has been having a few health issues lately.'

'Of course. I'm usually in the hospital anyway.'

'Ah, perfect. What time suits you best?'

'I'm working all week. A nurse will page me when you arrive.'

'Competent, as well.' Red paused, 'You look worn out. Have some of my food, then you and Vause can go.'

'Oh, there's really no need––'

'I insist. My son's a doctor. I remember what he was like as an intern. Never gave himself a moment to to think.' Red ordered one of the women in the kitchen to grab two bowls. 'You might want to eat in the room at the back. Don't want the girls bothering you. Have you already met them?'

'Yes. They were lovely.'

Alex snorted.

'Here.' Red passed both Alex and Piper their food. 'Nothing but a simple Goan chicken curry.'

Already, Piper's mouth was watering. She was guided out of the kitchen, and curiously, she dipped her spork into the food. Alex walked on ahead, and Piper didn't see the woman staring at her, until their gaze met. Piper watched her for a while. She looked crazy. Her dark hair an absolute mess, and Piper doubted she had showered recently.

'Boo!'

Piper yelped in surprise, splashing some of the curry everywhere. Alex turned to face her, 'Hey, back off!' She called out. The other woman twitched a grin and hurried away. Alex looked down at Piper, cocked a brow. 'Lovely, did you say?'

'More charming than most patients I've treated,' Piper murmured, catching up to her. 'What is this place?'

'Hell. Come in here; it's nicer.'

They stepped into an empty room. A tattered settee was on one side, a table in the centre with a few magazines and a stack of cards. Piper slumped down next to Alex and tried the curry. It tasted absolutely delicious; she moaned in approval. 'Oh, wow.' She had another, then another, and soon enough, the bowl was empty. Already, she felt so much better and sighed in content when she was finished.

However, her content mood didn't last long when the door barged open. Nicky Nichols looked between the two, 'You two are such losers, eating alone.'

'Trying to get away from you,' Alex replied, scraping away the last bit of food.

'Vause, we need to finish our tournament. These cards have been sitting around since I pummelled you the other day.'

'It was a game of _Snap_,' Alex said.

'And it got _intense_, mate. Oi, Blondie, wanna join?'

'_Snap_?'

'You never played it before?' Alex asked.

Nicky chortled. 'Did you ever have a childhood, or was it crushed because your parents groomed you too much?'

'I had a childhood,' Piper said defensively. 'I've just never played _Snap_.'

'Fine, lemme tell you the rules: all the cards are dealt out, and we lay them down one by one, face side up. If the picture matches, then we slam our hand onto the deck and claim them all. Person with all the cards in the end wins.'

Piper was speechless. She honestly expected a more _challenging_ game from someone like Nicky, but maybe that was just her prejudices speaking. Maybe girls like Nicky weren't as alcohol-crazed and rebellious as she imagined. Maybe these girls were normal, just trying to work their way through a hard life, living in a society which turned its nose up at them the moment they were born. Maybe being privileged had made Piper blind of the truth.

But, she wanted to play. 'Cool. I would get alcohol involved, but Red will kick my ass.' Okay, so Piper was wrong about being alcohol-crazed. All three women knelt down at the table, and Nicky split the deck before shuffling the cards. She eyed Alex and Piper, smirking. 'Is it me or did it just get incredibly gay in here?'

'Deal the damn deck, yeah?' Alex cheeked.

Surprisingly, the game got pretty intense, and Piper became more infused in the competition than either Nicky or Alex. It might be simple, but, _fuck_, Piper was determined to get every fucking card drawn onto the table. Their yells of "Snap!" managed to attract the attention of a few other girls, and soon the game turned from a battle between three to twelve. Things got heated when the last two people standing were Piper and a blonde girl with braids in her hair, a tattoo running up the length of her neck. Nicky was cheering them both on, but Piper could barely hear her, she was so absorbed in the game, her eyes set on the cards.

Piper slammed her card down. Then the other girl. Then Piper. Then the girl. Then Piper––

'_Snap_!' They screamed together, whamming their hand down onto the deck.

'Oooh, Chapman wins!'

'Fuck yes,' Piper punched the air, and dragged all the cards her way. She looked over at Alex who rolled her eyes, 'What?! I did better than you.'

'I let you win.'

'Your loss,' Piper scowled, ready for the next round.

Nicky was grinning ear-to-ear, counted down to three, 'Go!' It began again. Piper quickly slammed her card onto the table, then the next, and it continued for an intense minute, and she could _feel_ all eyes on her, she could _feel_ the competition, the _desire_ to win. Then––

'Oh, fuck, yes, _snap_!'

'Chapman, you're a natural. You should take up a profession in this.'

'Don't mock me.'

'"Don't mock me"',' the braided-haired girl mimicked.

Piper was unnerved. She was winning. She was beating them all, and, damn, it felt good. By now, the majority of girls had sided with Piper, egging her on. But before the last card could be dealt, a bell rang, and a woman called them all to dinner. There were a few groans, yet in seconds, the girls were squeezing through the doorway, eager to eat. The braided-haired girl smiled a little at Piper when they stood up.

'Not bad, College.'

_College_? Piper wasn't sure about the nickname, but she was pleased her worthy opponent wasn't upset with the result of the game. Nicky finished packing away the card, 'See ya. Come back again, Blondie. Finish that round.'

Piper didn't mind the sound of that. When Nicky left the room, she turned to Alex, 'I bet you regret taking me along now, don't you?'

'Nope,' Alex took her by the hand. 'Not in the slightest.'

Together they left The Ghetto, and Piper felt the adrenaline rush through her as they returned to the porsche. It was nearing three in the afternoon, and she instantly remembered about Larry. Alex turned on the ignition, and darted her eyes towards Piper while she pulled out her phone, before driving forwards. Piper was silent, and she read a short text from her boyfriend. _Fine_. That was all it was. A simple, blunt _fine_. Her heart stopped and, at once, all the excitement she originally endured drowned away. Piper tried to tap out a text, but couldn't do it.

Did Larry know?

Had someone told him?

Piper pocketed the phone. 'Where are we going?'

'My place.'

'Oh.'

And Alex's place was definitely _big_. Piper's mouth hung wide open when Alex parked the car in the driveway. Piper stepped out, and Alex was amused by her expression. She took her by the hand again, led her inside. Everywhere was luxury. Fancy curtains, fancy carpets, a _fucking staircase_, a kitchen big enough for two families. Upstairs there were two spare bedrooms, three bathrooms and Piper couldn't _believe_ Alex lived here.

All to herself as well! That drug cartel paid her well. _Wow_.

'Can I see your bedroom?'

'Wait, hang on.' Alex stepped past, and actually looked rather insecure. 'Uh, I haven't cleaned up in there so d'you mind counting to a hundred?'

Piper slumped her shoulders, 'Aw, that's rude, Alex. You didn't clear up for me?'

'I–– No.'

'Fine. Only to one hundred.'

Alex bolted into her bedroom and closed the door. Immediately she grabbed what she could. Various tops were across the floor, several boxer shorts, panties which she was certain weren't actually hers, and she stuffed them into the nearest wardrobe. She could hear Piper behind the door, '... forty nine, fifty eight, sixty one...' Flustered, she tidied away a load of files and paperwork, accidentally creasing some as she forced them into the folders, before sliding them beneath the bed.

Too many medicine bottles were out on display. She pushed the caps on a few, and literally threw them into a drawer –– '...seventy seven, seventy eight, eighty two...' –– and her books were _all over the fucking place_. Alex loved books, and she took care of each incredibly well, but Piper was being a right pain in the ass, and she didn't have much time. Alex piled each novel together, and shoved them beneath the bed, before throwing a pair of trousers on top of the wardrobe –– '...ninety six, one hundred!'

Piper opened the door. Smiled. 'It's neater than I thought.'

'Yeah. Thanks for counting, by the way. I can tell you went to University.'

'So, if I opened this wardrobe right here, nothing will come tumbling out?'

Alex twitched a smile, pulled her over by the hand, and drew her into a kiss. It was a soft kiss, and Alex lingered at her lips, giving Piper the option to walk away. But Piper was instantly lost. She pulled Alex closer for another, shuddered when she felt Alex's hands rubs against her sides. All options were gone in that moment. She exhaled shakily when they broke away.

'My shift doesn't start until eight. I can stay if you want.'

_Stay. Stay for as long as you want_. 'How about I show you around more?'

Piper smiled a little, leaned in to kiss her again. 'How about we skip that part?' She whispered, stubbornly holding Alex tighter, her kisses long, passionate, and without a trace of guilt. Piper sighed, content, absorbed. She felt Alex smile against her lips, body pressed against hers, and she smiled, too, her hands working at the hem of her top, before lifting it over her head. They stripped away, kissed, hugged, knowing exactly where to touch each other and, all the while, Piper's heart was racing, cheeks flushing, breathless.

Afterwards, Piper slept for the first time in days, warm and relaxed while Alex held her close.

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The phone rang. Larry picked up, moody, annoyed and upset.

'_Hello, is this Mister Bloom?_'

Frowning, Larry straightened. 'Yeah.'

'_This is Doctor Healy at Litchfield Hospital. There's something I need to discuss with you concerning your fiancée, Doctor Chapman, and a patient of hers..._'

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**author's note**: Thank you **izzielg**, , **[ lj ]**, the three **[ Guest ] **reviewers, **nickyjg**, **ejm137**, **ToTheBarricades**, **CamiMoraes**, **vanillaltte**, **[ Basic ]**, **phantomframe**, **Maritexxam**, **g4gusgrisam**, **PipexVauseman**, **wavesthatcrash**, **[ Rbx ]**, **takeniteazy**, **Al3xAF**, **Chand3li3r**, **bookiewookieworm**, **Cherishedngadsden**, **Bullfrog21**, **Marissalyn**, **CharrisseK**, **DarkestGayMoon**, **giggi91**, **endoeverything**, **[ andrew ] **and **ohmcsexy** for reviewing the prior chapter!


	17. Everytime We Say Goodbye

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Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>17.<strong>

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The wonderful scent of coffee awoke Piper from her slumber. In approximately two hours, she had to go back to work, but she wasn't in any rush. Alex's bed was big and comfy and warm, plus it smelt like her, and Piper liked that. She held a pillow up to her face when Alex sat on the edge of the bed, pouring a little milk into Piper's coffee, before handing it to her. Truthfully, Piper hadn't had coffee whilst naked before, but, hey, life was too short to constantly wear clothes all the time.

She wouldn't mind stripping away the dressing gown Alex had donned, but she restrained herself. Leaning against the bed frame, she sipped at her coffee, drummed her fingers around the rim. Larry hadn't send her any texts, which she found a little peculiar. She was hoping he might remain in communication with her, but he was probably busy. Probably. Well, she would find out soon. Alex slid off the bed and placed her coffee mug to the side, before shuffling under the sheets.

Immediately Piper snuggled close to her, making Alex chuckle. Maybe Piper should mention that she got pretty affectionate when in the mood. Alex didn't push her away. An arm came around Piper's waist, and the blonde happily enjoyed the rest of her coffee. At one point, she found herself lost in thought about what had become of her and Alex. Were they a couple now? Piper lowered the coffee mug, considered whether Juliet was still involved with Alex, or if that was over.

A shudder ran through Piper when Alex's fingers gently ran through her hair. Yes, she could live with this. This was perfect. If she wasn't having an affair, and if Alex wasn't a patient, this would be perfect. But it wasn't perfect, it was far from perfect, and Piper needed to face the truth. Reluctantly, she sat upright and turned to look at Alex. 'Can I talk to you?'

'Yeah,' Alex snorted.

'Don't you think it's weird that Larry hasn't contacted me? I mean, he always does––' Alex sighed, rolling her eyes, '––I know I go on about him, but... I'm just feeling paranoid that––'

'That's exactly it, Piper. You're feeling paranoid.' Alex shrugged. 'There's no way he knows what you're doing. Anyway, I don't think you're allowed to feel indignant right now.' She let that statement hang. Piper slumped her shoulders –– Alex was right. Of course she was, but the whole lack of communication still bothered her.

'I think it was wrong of me to start this affair, but you pushed it. You came to me––'

'Whoa, what's with the blaming?' Alex frowned. 'We both agreed to have this and, for the record, you're the one who took me to the on-call room.' A beat. Alex sighed, and softened her voice. 'Do not project your conscience onto me. Especially when I'm barely awake,' she muttered, raising the mug to her lips. 'I get it: you feel guilty. But you're still continuing this. So, what do you want, Piper?'

She didn't know. Piper hadn't a clue what she wanted, and she wished Alex hadn't asked her that. 'I want you,' she said, helplessly. 'But I don't want to hurt Larry, either.'

'Okay. I'd like to stress that this is really fucking stupid. Don't you think you're going to hurt him more by keeping this all a secret?'

Piper raised a brow. 'So, you _want_ us to be open about what we have?'

'No.' Alex was either bored, tired, or impatient. Probably all three. 'I want what's best for you, but sitting here whining about everything isn't going to help anyone. If you're really that fucking paranoid about your boyfriend, then call him. I haven't forced you into anything, though, so don't twist all of this to make yourself feel better.'

'I know. Sorry. I just–– I'm just worried about him.'

There was a short wait until Alex responded. 'Piper, I'm happy to be with you. Really. I am. But, I don't want Larry too.'

'What are you saying?'

A sigh. Alex lowered her voice, 'I'm saying that if you intend to go on about him all the time, then I think it's obvious who you've decided to be with.'

That was harsh. Piper's breath caught in her throat, and she stared at her, shocked. Was Alex truly willing to end this because Piper couldn't stop fretting about Larry? She needed time. Damn it, she needed time to think over things. Running a hand through her hair, Piper held onto the sheet covering her body. She didn't know who she wanted to be with. Nothing made sense, but she knew, for a fact, that being with Alex was amazing. She was fun, witty, very easy on the eyes, and the sex was mind blowing. She made her feel things Larry hadn't, but whenever she was with Alex, nothing was _stable_.

It was all unplanned, adventurous, and even though Piper had _dreamed_ of a life like that, she wasn't sure if she could manage. Not with an internship hanging above her head. Larry provided stability. The nest that she needed in order to cope with her demanding career. Alex, however –– fuck, she worked for an illegal business! Piper had every reason to hesitate.

'I haven't decided,' Piper said softly. 'I just need to think.'

'About what?'

Piper glanced at the scar above Alex's chest.

'Scared I'm going to die on you?'

'No!' Piper looked at her properly. 'I–– Fuck, Alex, we've been through so much. I just need to _think_. I'm a doctor, and I've seen you cough up blood, I've seen you on a bed barely conscious –– I was there when you were considering suicide! So, no, I haven't decided yet because you're demanding so much from me!'

Alex exhaled. Placed her mug aside. 'You sound just like her.'

'Like who?'

'Juliet. One excuse after the next, but I know the real reason.'

'You think I'm going to flake out on you because I'm scared you'll die?' Piper scoffed. 'Okay. When have I ever done that? Alex, that's my _job_. It's what I do for a profession. Looking after you has taken up most of my time anyway. What the fuck got you to compare me to your ex girlfriend? If she even is your ex.' Instantly she regretted saying that. Alex wasn't the one having an affair, and Piper needed to realise this. Alex wasn't having an affair, she was clean, but Piper was _engaged_.

She had the audacity to have sex with Alex, while her engagement ring was still on her finger.

Alex must have given up arguing. Her eyes fell on Piper's bare shoulder, then to her eyes. Piper swallowed, exhaled. 'Do you still love her?'

'No.' Alex paused. 'I never did.'

Piper just watched her.

'... but I love you.'

'You do?'

No reply, but a small, almost timid smile. Piper sighed softly. Then, returned the smile. Instantly her body relaxed. Instantly she felt at ease, she stopped panicking, and simply focussed on the woman before her. For now, Alex was enough. She didn't want to think about her options. She didn't want to think about anything outside this bedroom. She just wanted to focus on Alex, and only Alex. Piper shuffled closer, kissed her lips, then sat across her lap, pulling the sheet above her shoulders.

They kissed again.

'I don't say that to everyone. You've got to say it back.'

Piper took a moment to look at her. Without the glasses, Alex seemed so much younger. Piper's fingertips brushed against her cheek, resting at her jaw, and this was the first time she'd witnessed Alex appear _vulnerable_. Childish and _human_. She wasn't her patient, she wasn't a drug dealer, she was no one but herself.

'I love you, too.'

And she meant it. Piper had loved Alex for weeks, and it felt as if a weight had been lifted from her back after finally confessing. Alex's hand pressed gently on her bare waist, and she leaned in for another kiss.

When Alex's hand glided upwards, Piper smiled a little, eagerly pushing up against her. She kissed Alex harder, aware of Alex's hand brushing across her tummy, tickling her slightly. Their kiss intensified when Alex ran a finger over her entrance, and Piper stiffened when she easily slid her digit in, pushing through her folds, before curling upwards to rub her clit. Piper hissed between her teeth, sighed, rocked against her, in sync with Alex's movements.

Wrapping her arms around her, Piper craned her neck back when Alex left a trail of kisses down to her collarbone. The sheet fell away from her shoulders, and she moaned as Alex kissed her breast, tenderly grazed her teeth over her nipple. Piper pressed her cheek against hers, gasped when Alex's finger moved from her clit, travelling further down. She hit against a particularly sensitive area, causing Piper to grab a fistful of her hair, press her lips to hers.

She came, quiet, kissing Alex deeply, holding her as close as possible. Piper pressed a hand to Alex's chest and was about to return the favour, when suddenly Alex's mobile starting ringing. Groaning, Piper rested her head on Alex's shoulder while Alex reached over to grab her phone and check the caller. Piper looked at her. 'Who is it?'

'Just someone I work with,' she said, and quickly kissed her. 'I gotta answer. Hang on.'

Having no choice but to slide off Alex's lap, Piper fell onto the mattress and watched her girlfriend leave the room. She was flustered, and still aching for Alex to finish what she had started, but after waiting a couple of minutes, Piper turned her attention to her phone as well. No texts or calls. Maybe she should initiate a conversation. It felt wrong to text Larry seconds after sleeping with Alex, but she couldn't help but wonder if Larry knew. If someone had told him; his behaviour was suspicious.

The text was short. A quick _How are you?_ before she returned the phone to her bag.

Alex returned seconds afterwards. 'I need to rush out.' Piper's heart sunk at the news. 'I can drop you off at the hospital, if you want, but I can't hang around.'

'Where are you going?'

Buttoning up her trousers, Alex looked at her sharply, frowned. 'What?'

'Where are you going, Alex?'

'I'm meeting someone.' She grabbed a shirt. 'Get dressed.'

Piper's arousal had vanished. She found her clothes, pulled them on, watched as Alex quickly typed out a text, before pocketing the phone. It was odd to witness Alex look so –– well, _rushed_. It was as if what happened minutes ago between them was forgotten. Piper wondered if she was this rude when her pager went off. Maybe it was no surprise that Larry was grumpy with her. Dashing out of the house just after admitting she loved her? What was that all about? Alex left the room before Piper was ready, but the blonde caught up at the door.

They reached the black porsche, and no words were exchanged while Alex reversed out of the driveway and onto the road. By the time they got to the hospital, Piper would have an hour to kill. She could study in the meantime. Alex drove extremely fast, but seemed relatively calm, focussed. Piper opened her mouth to speak, thought otherwise, then changed her mind. 'Does that happen often?'

'Hm?'

'Being disturbed with work.'

Alex glanced at her. 'Yes.'

'Great.'

'Listen, I'll come see you tomorrow, all right? I'm probably going to be out all night.'

Something sharp pinched through Piper and she nearly winced. 'Because of work?' Piper realised she was jealous. Jealous of whoever would be spending the whole night with Alex. She was envious, incredibly envious, and felt a possessive rush. But, more than that, she was upset that their time together had to be cut short. 'Well, I hope the person you're meeting makes it all worth it.'

No response. Piper's left eye twitched.

'Ignore me, too. That's fine.'

'Hey, cut it out!' Alex snapped. 'I never said that I wasn't working today.'

'I just assumed you weren't considering you were more than willing to jump into bed with me.'

'Fuck's sake.'

'Does this happen often, Alex? One minute you're all over me, the next you're kicking me out?'

'Like it _fucking _matters.'

Piper's heart jumped when Alex sharply turned a corner, far too fast. 'Why doesn't it matter?' She felt tears sting her eyes. Everything was falling apart. 'Oh, wait, I guess _none_ of this matters to you.'

'You know what I do for a living, Piper. You have no excuse to give me your bullshit.'

'Fuck you... I'm not talking about your fucking drugs.'

'Neither am I.'

They had already arrived at the hospital. Alex was frozen while Piper grabbed her bag, muttering obscenities to herself. She was starting to cry, and she had to get out of the car before Alex saw her. Before anyone saw her. She couldn't believe they had started arguing. What the fuck happened? 'Thanks for the lift,' Piper croaked, slamming the door shut. She wiped a few stray tears, sniffed, and stormed towards the hospital entrance. Fuck, fuck, fuck. What the fuck happened?

She stopped. Turned around. The car was still parked. Piper swore loudly, and ran back to the vehicle. She made the mistake of running back to Alex, when she shouldn't. As soon as she reached the passenger door, she opened it and fell inside. Alex hadn't even started the ignition. She just sat there, propped on one arm. Just sat there, she didn't even seem to notice Piper's return.

'Why are you mad at me?' Piper insisted.

'You need to work.'

'Yeah, so do you, apparently!'

Alex exhaled, ran her hands down her face. 'Fuck, Piper.' She groaned, cocked her head back, then finally looked at her. 'How do you not get it?'

'Get _what_? What the _fuck_, Alex? You can't just... _kick me out_!'

'I have to put work first. I always have––'

'_I'm not talking about your **fucking** work_!' Alex didn't respond. They just stared at each other. Piper shrugged, helpless, collapsed onto the seat, growled in frustration. More tears pooled in her eyes, and she roughly wiped them away. Neither said a word. Piper inhaled, held her breath. Her heart was racing and she couldn't face work. She couldn't face that hospital.

Alex moved. Turned the key. The porsche rattled into life. 'You need to leave.'

'Answer my question: why are you mad? What's going on––?'

'Fuck you, Piper!' Alex yelled, her glare monstrous, filled with hatred. 'What do you expect from me? I'm not exactly jumping over the fucking moon that I'm still a fucking _option_ to you! I get it: Larry's being all distant, he's acting like a fucking _prick_, but I am–– I'm not your fucking _binky_ for you to suck on! Just–– _Fuck_!' Alex hit the window. 'I don't like sharing. I don't like not–– not being in _control_! I'm working all night, and you get to go home to _him_?'

'That's what having an affair is all about!'

'Yeah, well, don't give me shit about my work when you can't even make a fucking decision.'

'It's complicated––'

'Is it, Piper? _Is it_?!'

'Please stop yelling at me––'

'Get out of my car. Just get out.'

'Alex––'

'I'm kicking you out, Piper! Making your decision easier for you. Get the _fuck_ out.'

Piper's lower lip quivered, and her vision blurred with tears. She couldn't stand Alex scolding her; she hated seeing her so angry. Piper opened the car door, paused, turned to her, 'Whatever happened to loving me? Whatever happened to wanting what's best for me?'

'You doctors are so full of yourselves. I always hated you lot. _Hated_ you. I can't believe I–– I can't believe you.'

'Whatever happened to me loving you?'

'You asked me if I still love Juliet. Do you still love Larry?' It felt as if the earth had shattered beneath her. Piper couldn't breathe, move, speak. Alex scowled, and seeing her in so much pain broke Piper's heart. 'Do you?'

Did she? Did she love him?  
>Did she love Larry?<p>

Piper burst into tears. Escaped the car, and this time she didn't go back. This time, she hurried straight into the hospital, down the hallway, into the empty locker room. She whammed her fist against her locker, again, and then again. Before kicking it viciously, tears effortlessly rolling off her cheeks. Fuck Alex. Fuck her. Fuck. Fuck _her_! This wasn't fair. It wasn't fair of Alex to demand that much from her, especially after dragging her out of the house. After treating her like she would treat any other girl.

Damn it. _God fucking damn it_! Piper wiped her face, swore, kicked the locker again.

She didn't know –– she didn't know if she loved Larry. She didn't know if she wanted Larry. But she didn't know if what she felt for Alex wasn't _genuine_. She wasn't sure if her fear of marriage was erasing her initial feelings for her boyfriend. She wasn't sure if Alex was just _good_ in the abstract. She didn't know if Alex's career would crush everything. Piper was a doctor. She was a doctor, not some errand girl, not a drug mule. She wasn't a fucking _pimp_ for Alex to train and groom.

But she loved Alex.

Fuck.

Of course she loved Alex.  
>And she really, <em>really<em> wished she didn't.

Piper slid down to the floor, yanked off her engagement ring. Then threw the piece of jewellery against the wall. It bounced off, fell to the ground.

The door opened. Piper made no effort to stand. She only looked up when the intruder stopped in front of her. Doctor Healy looked mildly surprised, but his expression softened and he sat down on the bench opposite. Piper wiped her face with her sleeve. Her shift hadn't started yet so she wasn't in trouble. Maybe Healy caught her crying. Maybe.

She didn't care.

'Rough afternoon?'

Piper sighed. 'No.' This afternoon had been wonderful. She enjoyed every second as Alex held her, kissed her, touched her. It was wonderful. There was nothing rough about it in the slightest.

'I'm sorry to see you this way.'

'I'm not.'

'I'm sure he'll be sorry, too.'

'... what?'

'Your fiancé. He had to know. I wasn't sure how he'd react, but it's for the best, Chapman.'

Piper stared at him in horror. Everything went still. 'What are you talking about?'

That was when Healy frowned at her, puzzled. 'Has he not spoken to you?'

'I––' Piper blinked. 'Have you said anything, sir?'

Healy exhaled. 'I saw you going out to meet Alex Vause earlier. You also gave off several hints you both were–– well, not exactly _just_ patient and doctor to each other.'

'Excuse me?'

'You know how it works around here. There is a rule to stay detached from patients.'

'I––'

'I can't have this destroying your career, or your engagement. So, I informed Mister Bloom. I was hoping he'd already have confronted you.'

'No... No, he hasn't!' Piper shot to her feet, heart in her mouth. Oh, God. Oh, God, she couldn't believe this. 'Me and Alex, we... Sir, we aren't involved!'

Healy was unconvinced. 'I'm sure.'

'She's just... she's just a patient...'

'Really?'

'It–– It's not a lesbian thing, sir!' But even Piper knew she didn't sound sincere. It was a lesbian thing, it was an affair, she and Alex were involved and Piper had fallen in love with her. There was no other way around it. Piper covered her mouth with her hand when it finally hit. Larry knew. _Larry knew she was with Alex_. Larry knew. Fuck. _Fuck_.

'As your superior, I'll give you one warning: end your affair with Miss Vause. I was considering giving you a suspension, but you're a brilliant intern. You've shown exceptional skill –– you're one of the best. And I don't want to see you ruin what potential you have, Chapman. If you stop seeing your patient, then I won't fire you.'

'F–– _Fire me_?'

'Just end things, Doctor Chapman,' Healy repeated, standing up. There was something disturbing about his calm nature, the sympathetic look in his eyes. Piper stared. She couldn't breathe. 'Just end things, and I'll let you keep your job. And, I know for a fact, you'll choose your job. It's everything to you, isn't it?'

Yes. It was.  
>Being a doctor was all Piper ever wanted.<p>

_End your affair with Miss Vause_.

'Sir...'

'It's for the best. You have an exam approaching after all. You can't mess around in an affair too.'

'I can't–– She––'

'Don't make me regret this.' A pause. 'I'll see you during rounds later.'

Then, Healy left the locker room. Piper stood, frozen, still covering her mouth with her hand. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know what to _do_. All she could think about was Alex, what her reaction would be, how fucking unfair all of this was. _End your affair with Miss Vause_. She couldn't. She couldn't hurt Alex. She couldn't do that. She couldn't. Not Alex. How–– How could Healy do such a thing? Piper whammed her fist into the locker one more time. Leaned against it, struggled to contain herself.

Now she had her choices: Alex or her career.

And what made Piper cry all the more was that her decision was so easy to make. Both she and Alex knew what came first. Between them, their career always came first.

Oh, what a fool she had been.

What a classic fool.

Her shift started in half an hour. In half an hour, she could call Alex, tell her what happened. In half an hour, she could call Larry, let him know what was going to happen. In half an hour, Piper could grab her textbooks and study. In half an hour, Piper could just sit and cry. Because she couldn't do anything else. She couldn't face Alex, she couldn't face Larry. She couldn't face her mistakes, her awful, _horrible_ ways. She couldn't fix the damage she'd made. She couldn't do anything. She was _weak_.

So, Piper didn't call Alex or Larry. She sat there, let the tears fall, and she thought about what she would choose.

_Who_ she would choose.

The pager went off. Piper pulled on her lab coat, tied back her hair, checked her appearance in the mirror.  
>To work.<p>

**.**

**.**

**.**

'You don't have to do anything.'

'I know.'

'You can stay at mine tonight. You don't have to speak to Larry, or _her_. Just stay at mine.'

'I know. Thanks.'

'...'

'...'

'I'm sorry, P.'

'I–– It's not your fault. It's mine. I'm so fucking stupid.'

'Healy's a sack of shit.'

'Amen to that.'

'But... I just want you to do what's best for you.'

'I know.'

'And maybe, neither of them are best for you? Maybe you should just concentrate on your internship for now?'

'Yeah... Yeah, I'd already decided on that.'

'Oh.'

'It's just...'

'Just?'

'...'

'...'

'... It's just I love her so much.'

**.**

**.**

**.**

Alex picked up on the fourth ring, and she sounded exhausted. '_Hello_?'

'Hey.' Piper stopped suddenly. She already hated herself, already _loathed_ herself. She pinched the bridge of her nose, and tears started to blind her vision. 'Alex?'

'_... what is it?_'

'I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier today.'

'_Yeah, I'm sorry, too._'

No. She couldn't do this. She couldn't. (But she had to. For her career. For _herself_.) 'Larry knows.'

Silence.

'Larry knows about us.'

More silence.

'And my attending––' Her voice caught in her throat. She paused, took a deep breath. 'My attending knows about us, too.'

'... _Piper_––'

'I can't see you.'

'_What_?'

'I can't see you, Alex. We're finished.'

'_We... we hadn't even started... What do you mean?_'

Piper scrunched her eyes closed, let out a small sob. Wiped her eyes. 'He'll fire me if I'm seen with you again.'

'_No, he... he can't..._'

'I'm sorry.'

'_Is this because of what I said to you earlier? Are you–– are you fucking dumping me because–– because–– What, so you choose Larry? You chose Larry?_'

'Alex, I don't have a choice.'

'_... I can't fucking believe you_.'

Piper exhaled shakily, gripped the phone tighter. 'I love you. I still love you.'

'_Fuck you_,' Alex's voice cracked, and Piper knew she had _ruined_ her. She had fucked up. _Fuck me_. '_I... What am I supposed to do now, huh? Fuck. I knew I shouldn't have got that fucking pacemaker._'

'Please don't do this––'

'_You fucking forced me to get that pacemaker, Piper. You promised you'd give me a point to stay alive, but... fuck. Fuck, how did I not see this coming_?'

'I want–– I don't–– Alex, listen to me––'

'_Wait. You know what? I _**_did_**_ see this coming. Years ago. Rule number one: never fall in love with a straight girl_.'

'Is that what you think this is about?' Piper had given up trying to stop the tears from trickling down her cheeks. They came effortlessly. 'That I like dick? You know, I guess that's easier than facing the fact that you are _a drug dealer_! And it is ruining everything good in your life. Don't you _dare_ push this on me. Don't make me the bad guy. Don't _throw_ the responsibility of preserving your life onto me. That is not my job. I am not your therapist, Alex. You don't get to push this on me.'_  
><em>

'_You knew exactly what you were getting into_.'

Piper was silent for a long time, and Alex said nothing. She did know. She knew exactly what she wanted, she knew exactly what she told Alex, she knew she _begged_ Alex to accept the pacemaker. She knew. She knew she accepted the fact Alex was only alive because of her. She knew that. Fuck, she knew that. She knew.

The pain rising in her chest was too much to handle. She was afraid her body might _slice_ in half.

'I can't be your girlfriend anymore.'

'_Yeah, and apparently not even my friend_.'

A pause.  
>They waited for the other to speak. To fight. To <em>fight<em> for this.

Piper heard a _click_.  
>The line went dead.<p>

Alex was gone.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**author's note**: Ooh, drama! These two fuckers are exhausting.

For the next few days, I'll be getting ready to move into my new apartment, as well as sorting out the publication of my novel. However, I won't abandon this story. My next update may be soon or not soon. But I doubt it'll be a long time until chapter eighteen is posted.

Thank you **VausemanFanfic**, **Maritexxam**, **ToTheBarricades**, **IrishCourtney**, **emilyjasmine**, **CharrisseK**, **Jay De Arc**, **giggi91**, **Cherishedngadsden**, **ohmcsexy**, **DarkestGayMoon**, **[ Basic ]**, **[ Yup ]**, **ejm137**, **bluepaintbox**, **Makotoftw**, **Chand3li3r**, **g4gusgrisam**, **Shepherdinha**, **Tail of the Storm**, **vanillaltte**, **[ lj ]**, ** [ andrew ]**, **reesefries**, **Al3xAF**, **chocgirl**, **bookiewookieworm**, **[ Rbx ]**, **izzielg **and **endofeverything** for reviewing the prior chapter!

Also, I wanted to give a shout out to those who reblogged/liked the _Behind Closed Doors_ photoset on Tumblr (which I attempted to create with my not-so-impressive skills). I really appreciate that!


	18. Never Yours To Lose

**.**

**.**

**.**

Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>18.<strong>

**.**

**.**

**.**

'Do you love her?'

'No, that's... it's... it's––' Sigh. Defeat. '––It's difficult.'

'Do you _love_ her?'

Four seconds. It took Piper four seconds to decide, to realise. It took Piper four seconds to ruin what could have potentially been wonderful. 'Yes.'

A simple answer. A short, simple answer which carried so many lies and trauma. Uttering that single word was like tearing off a huge chunk of her body. Larry stared at her. He did nothing but stare. Speechless. He stared at her, helpless, shocked, horrified, _betrayed_. Then, his face contorted in pain, he looked away, and Piper lost her breath when he started to cry.

One sob and she followed after him. Clenching a fist, Piper tried to maintain her composure. In a couple of minutes, she had to leave the on-call room and check up on patients. She had to look the part. Fuck, she donned the scrubs, the lab coat, the name tag. She was a _doctor_. A _good_ doctor. A kind, gentle, _passionate_ doctor who had, somehow, hurt the two people who meant the most to her. But she couldn't control herself. She couldn't do it. Piper failed.

'You said she was a patient, right?'

Piper said nothing.

Larry scowled. Now, he wasn't crying anymore. Now, he was angry. Thirsty for revenge, and he _hated_ her. 'And you told me that if you stayed with her, you'd lose your job.' Nothing. Larry swallowed. 'So, you left her, and you decided to come clean with me. _Eventually_, you decided to come clean with me.'

'I would have told you sooner, but work––'

'What? What is it this time, Piper? What's your fucking excuse?' She didn't have one. There was a pause. They stared. Piper felt a hot tear trickle down her cheek. She cared about him –– of course she cared about him, and knowing she had hurt Larry _this much_ was unbearable. Knowing she had not only turned Alex away a few hours ago, but also _broke_ Larry's heart –– Fuck, what was wrong with her? No, Piper didn't have excuse. She didn't have an excuse for acting like a monster.

Suddenly, Piper was alone.

'She's the whole _fucking_ reason why this has happened. Why you nearly got suspended, the fact she's literally torn us apart.' Larry licked his lips, clenched his jaw. 'How does it feel to be in love with the woman who ruined our lives?'

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Piper was trembling, barely able to stand.

Because no matter which way she viewed the situation, Larry was right. It was Alex. Alex was the reason their engagement was clearly over. Alex was the reason Piper was in trouble. Alex was the _fucking_ reason why Piper's life had been _crushed_. It was Alex.

They waited.

Waited for the inevitable.

Piper was _desperate_. Before he could reach the door, she blocked his exit. Larry exhaled, stepped back, glared at her, and she wanted him to glare at her. She wanted him to yell at her, _hurt_ her because she fucking deserved to be hurt. Larry had done nothing wrong. It wasn't his fault he was so frustrated with her job. Anyone would be. It wasn't his fault he was mad that Piper spent more time in the hospital than at home. It wasn't his fault he couldn't _fucking understand_.

No matter what she did, said, thought –– she knew what he wanted.

She knew what was going to happen.

Already, she felt herself shatter apart. The ground beneath her _shook_. Nothing was in her grasp anymore. She had spent years and years climbing this huge, uneven tree, only to reach the highest branch and _slip_. Crashing to the ground. The wind stolen from her. The shock paralysing.

'I want to talk to you about this when I'm not working.'

'When you're _not_ working? How can I be sure you won't decide to fuck a patient instead?'

That was deserved. Piper softened her expression. 'Please.'

Larry was still. Motionless.

The pager went off.

One of them sighed in frustration. Larry. 'I'm sorry,' Piper said. 'I'm so sorry.' She took her pager, glanced at the message. 'Please can we speak later?'

Hesitance. Then, a nod. She saw nothing in his eyes but pain.

Her hand grabbed the lock, she pulled the door open and was gone. A nurse ran past. There was a code. Healy had paged her. It was one of her patients. A middle-aged woman, who had been suffering complex partial seizures. But she was coding. Piper was confused. Had they missed something? For the next half an hour, she forgot about Larry, Alex and everything in between.

The crash cart came rolling into the ward. Piper performed CPR on the patient while Healy took the defibrillators. Count down from three. _Beat, beat, beat_ –– Clear! The heart monitor sparked into life, then flat lined less than a second afterwards. Piper waited for her superior's orders. But he said nothing. She continued with the CPR. Moved away when Healy yelled "clear".

By the end, her arms were aching. She was slightly out of breath.

Piper was wide eyed. Staring at the heart monitor.

'Time of death: 2307.'

Impossible. _Impossible_. Piper froze. This patient only had _epilepsy_, for crying out loud! How on _earth_ did she manage to die? Piper watched Healy pull off his medical gloves. Calm. Collected. Piper felt tense, uneasy, _so fucking angry_. She caught him before he could go. 'What happened?'

'Rabies. The tests came back an hour ago. We failed to treat it in time.'

'... Rabies?'

'She mustn't have known. Anyone would have missed it.'

Bullshit. Piper couldn't believe what he said. How–– _No_. No, they could have caught the diagnosis! Was it Piper's fault? Was it her fault that this woman died? Had she been careless? So locked away in her own thoughts and problems? Was she _slacking_? Piper glanced at the corpse. She had seen this woman yesterday. She was talking to her sister, and they were laughing. They were _talking_. They were doing what people do. And now she was gone, lifeless. She was just _gone_.

Piper turned away. Walked out.

How could someone disappear so effortlessly?

What had she done? What had Piper done? What would happen to Larry? Would he be willing to talk to her later? Would he ever forgive her? Did she _want_ to be forgiven? What about Alex? Would she stop taking her medication? Would she no longer _care_ anymore? Piper ran a hand through her hair. Looked up at the clock. She wanted to sleep, hide beneath the sheets, never reappear. She wanted to be forgotten, to be abandoned. She wanted to be alone. She wanted to be lonely.

Piper had made the right decision. She could not have Alex for multiple reasons, and she _had_ to tell Larry about the very brief affair. She had to tell Larry she loved another woman. She had to tell Larry she _fucked up_; preserve whatever little dignity she had left. Even if it meant the end of their engagement. Even if it cost everything Piper held dear. She had to tell him.

At one o' clock, she returned home.

Larry wasn't in.

**.**

**.**

**.**

The following morning, at 1132, Piper was reminded about their inevitability. That fate was a cruel _bitch_, who loved to play with the strings, tease her. Mock her. Force her further and further down the jagged rocks leading straight into a fiery hell. Piper had no choice. She couldn't control fate. She couldn't control anything. She could know everything there was to know about the human body, but she could not control fate. She could not control life and death. She could not control who was sick and who wasn't.

She was just another pawn in a game of chess. Between Gods who possessed a sick sense of humour.

1132.

Piper had been studying since 0600.

1132, and her pager went off. She slammed her textbook shut, and rushed out of the staff room, into the hallway, down a staircase, through several doors, before finally reaching her ward. Doctor Bennett passed Piper the chart. He was flustered, tired, distracted. 'This patient you've handled before. Doctor Harper would be treating her, but she's not answering her page. Enjoy.'

'Sir?'

'ODed. I don't know if she's going to wake up.'

Piper looked over towards the bed. It took her a moment to recognise the woman strapped to the IV, under the white sheet, pale, sick, unconscious. Piper blinked. 'When was she found?'

'A couple of hours ago. Lying in her own vomit.' She winced. She wanted to glare at him for acting so cold, but she couldn't blame him. Hundreds of patients were admitted with an overdose of drugs. 'Heroin. _Lots_ of heroin. God knows where she got it all from.'

'I––' Piper trembled. Suddenly, the shock hit. 'I don't know either, sir.' Suddenly, she was horrified, frightened, _upset_. Because even though she barely knew the patient, she still liked her. Nicky Nichols did not look _right_, lying on a hospital bed, half dead. Stuck in a coma. Piper inhaled. All she could think about was the drugs Alex imported. The heroin. The _fucking_ heroin.

'She's a vegetable. So, not much can be done. I guess we'll just wait it out.'

_She's not a vegetable. She's a human being. And I was playing cards with her the other day._ Fuck. Piper had been talking to Nicky not long ago. Bennett smiled shortly, possibly in sympathy, and walked away. Piper didn't move. She couldn't. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to respond. She didn't know if Nicky's state should effect her this much. Piper didn't know a fucking thing.

Clueless. Utterly clueless.

There was _nothing_ she could do. Absolutely nothing.

Piper was just a pawn in a cruel game.

A pathetic, little doctor.

Nicky was now under her supervision. Even if there wasn't much to be done. She sighed heavily, examined the chart. Heroin. She had an overdose of heroin this morning. Someone not wishing to be named found her. Probably a stranger. Probably a nobody. For the first time, Piper didn't hate the ODed patient for taking up room in the hospital. She didn't hate the ODed patient for being a fucking waste to society. Because, now, all she saw was the damage, she saw the _why_.

There was always a _reason_ why people resorted to drugs.

Piper had been so fucking blind to realise.

At 1408, Red arrived with flowers. Piper only came in once to check on her, before leaving swiftly. She remembered Red wanted one of her girls to have a consultation with Piper, but she must have forgotten. Piper didn't dare remind her. But, she was curious. She was curious about the relationship between Red and Nicky. If Red was just an older influence in Nicky's life, or if she was more a mother figure. Red managed to keep a stiff upper lip throughout her visit.

By the time Morello and another girl arrived, Piper started to see Red slip a little. Occasionally.

It didn't make sense. It didn't make sense why Nicky ODed. Why OD when she had these people who cared about her so much? Piper had returned to her studying. Desperately trying to make key phrases stick in her mind, desperately _trying to work_. Now, she understood why a doctor should not grow attached to their patient. But it was ridiculous! Forming an attachment with a patient was bound to happen. Piper wasn't a surgeon. She didn't just cut the patient open, and be done with them.

She was there every step of the way.

Before, during and after surgery.

"_You fucking forced me to take that pacemaker, Piper. You promised you'd give me a point to stay alive, but... fuck. Fuck, how did I not see this coming?"_

Piper was meant to be there for the patient throughout the whole ordeal.

Piper was _meant to be there_.

But, she failed.

She failed. She failed; she had not been there for the one patient who needed her most.

**.**

**.**

**.**

At first, she felt denial. She couldn't believe Nicky had been so _stupid_. She couldn't believe her best friend had _slipped_ on _purpose_. After everything Alex had said to her, she couldn't _believe_ Nicky could be so fucking thoughtless.

Then, after an hour, she felt anger. Anger at the woman she cared about, anger at the woman who _selfishly_ took her own life. She was angry at Nicky for using the drugs. She was _fucking angry_. She wanted to hate her, spit at her, _murder her_.

When she reached the hospital, overworked, tired, _done_, Alex was miserable. Depressed. She was upset. She was _upset_. Nicky _was_ her best friend. Nicky _was_ the only idiot she had left. The only idiot who stuck by her despite everything. Fuck. Fuck Nicky. Fuck the drugs.

She had visited Nicky in hospital before, but not while she was unconscious. In fact, Nicky had never ODed to the point she was in a coma. Never. And, honestly, Alex wasn't sure why she bothered. Why she had gone out of her way to check on her. Because she hated this place, and she hated the doctors which ruled it. She hated every tiny memory this building held.

Every fucked up moment in her life.

And that _doctor_. Chapman.

'Hi, I'm here to see Nicky Nichols,' Alex said to a nurse, 'Can you tell me which ward she's in?'

'Of course. Can I have your name?'

'Alex.'

'Oh. Alex Vause? She had you down as her emergency contact. You weren't answering your phone.'

The nurse was kind. The nurse was sweet. The nurse was sympathetic. 'I have a _fucking_ job, all right? Can't waste my time with fucking _junkies_ needing me constantly. Yeah, I wasn't answering my phone because it was fucking switched off. You going to tell me her ward number or not?'

Afterwards, Alex felt dreadful. The nurse's shy, soft smile fell. She went pale. 'Uh, yes.' Checked a file. '3B.'

It was too late to apologise. Or, more accurately, Alex didn't want to apologise.

Before she even reached the hallway, a man called out her name. She stopped. Frowned, and turned back around. A man near her height came over, with short, black hair. Slightly podgy face. Broad. Dark eyes. He wore trousers, a blue, cotton jumper. He looked normal. He wasn't a client, or a colleague. The man didn't say anything for a while, sizing her up. Then, he raised his brows, 'You're tall.'

She scoffed. 'I've been told. Who are you?'

Hesitance. The man cleared his throat. 'I'm Piper's fiancé.' Silence. Alex felt a sharp _stab_, but she said and did nothing. She ignored the rage, the jealousy, the _chill_ which shuddered up her spine at the mention of that _bitch's_ name. 'Um...' He shook his head, nervous. 'Sorry. This is, uh...' A pause. Finally, he remembered why he was here, why he called her over. He remembered and his confidence returned. It was his turn to scoff. 'There were so many things I planned to say to you, but now I... just picturing you and her...'

You and Piper.

Piper and you.

The corner of Alex's lips twitched. 'Got you all flustered?'

'It got me pissed off!' She cocked a brow. 'How many times do you think you can return to this hospital and fuck up Piper's life? I–– I don't know what psychic blank _void_ your little game with her fills, but you need to end it. _Now_. Stay away from her.'

'Not a problem.' Alex wanted to laugh. She wanted to laugh and then send her knee right into his groin. That would be _perfect_. Because the last thing she needed right now was Piper's _boyfriend_ approaching her. Prick. Fuck him. Fuck her. _Fuck both of them_. 'She's all yours, Champ. We done here?' Alex didn't wait for a response. Instantly, she swivelled around on her heel to leave.

A strong hand grabbed her by the shoulder. 'Wait, wait! Hold on.'

Reluctantly, she faced him again. Visitors walked past, unknowing. Patients were admitted, unknowing. Doctors and nurses worked away, unknowing. It was as if Larry and Alex had the entire waiting room to themselves. Undisturbed. And, more than anything, Alex wanted to be disturbed. To be given an excuse to walk from this fucking idiot. To walk away from Piper and the _shit_ she dragged Alex into. That phone call echoed in her mind and she scowled.

This was pathetic.

'Suddenly she's all mine? When you have been _working_ her over since she started as an intern?'

'Working her over?' Alex frowned. 'Are you fucking kidding me?'

Larry stared.

'She came to _me_, dragged _me_ into that on-call room, and fucked _me_.' That felt good. Watching whatever little hope he had vanish felt _good_. She wanted more of it. She wanted to watch him realise he had been played, he had been tricked. Piper and her cute, big-eyes had manipulated him into thinking Alex was the bad guy here. What a fucking _joke_. 'Surprised me, too.' Alex sighed, content. She pushed it a little more. 'I never thought she could be so _aggressive_.' A shrug. 'Maybe she was curious, maybe she was bored. Who knows?'

'You fucked in an on-call room?'

Alex smiled. 'It's a hospital. She and I practically live in it. There aren't a whole lot of options. But I'm done. Can't survive another _spin_ on her merry-go-round, but clearly you're still in it, so enjoy the ride.'

'Fuck you! It's not a ride. We're getting married.'

Oh.

Oh, yes. Of course.

Alex hated him even more. Hated Piper even more.

That was still happening, then? Good. _Fucking brilliant_. Alex _forced_ herself to not _sneer_. 'Great.' She smiled again. A twisted, cruel smile which tasted _bitter_. 'So, why are you here?'

'I wanted to meet you.'

'Were you waiting for me to show up or something?'

Larry glared. 'I knew you would. Heard the nurse say your name.'

Then she saw who he was: just some guy. He wasn't a threat. He wasn't a bully. He was just _a regular_ guy. 'Larry.' She stepped closer, lowered her voice. 'My heart is with you. She's hot, she's read everything. We both know what she's like in bed.' As if to tease him all the more, Alex rolled back her eyes, sighed dreamily. Even if she was mocking him, she had to admit, Piper was _amazing_ in bed. She was warm, soft and vicious when the time was right. She knew where to touch Alex, her sweetest spots. She knew.

Larry's eyes diverted to the nurse's desk. Then back at her.

'But she is fucked up. I know it. And you do, too. Or you wouldn't be here warning me to stay away. I'm not your problem.'

Done. Finished. The discussion was over.

Alex turned and left, back straight, head high. Fooling herself to believe that Larry's confrontation meant nothing, that Piper's rejection meant nothing. That all of this meant nothing. It _was_ nothing. _They_ were nothing to her. Piper ended things with her. It was that fucking simple. And Alex didn't want to know anymore. She didn't want to be a part of this anymore.

"_Straight girls: they fuck you up every time."_

What did she expect to find? Alex secretly wished to see Nicky upright in bed, grinning and saying it was all a prank. It was just a joke.

Just a laugh.

Nicky had a healthy body. She had a stable heart, she had no TB, no asthma. Nothing.

_She_ was the cause to her body's _decay_. She was the cause.

She was wasting what she had; taking it all for granted.

'Fuck you.' Alex held onto the bed frame at Nicky's feet. Watched her. The heart monitor continued on, and on, and on, and on. The five stages of grief was bullshit. Because Alex had gone back to anger again. Fury. _An ugly, ugly fucked up rage_.

It wasn't fair.

None of it was fair.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Larry caught her just outside the cafeteria. Piper froze instantly, coffee in hand, and she wanted to ask why he didn't wait for her last night. She wanted to ask where he _was_ last night. She wanted to ask why he had come to her during her shift _again_. She wanted to ask if he was all right. She wanted to ask if they were okay. She wanted to ask too much.

Too much.

The stethoscope felt as if it were slipping from her shoulders. She clung to it. Held on.

'Can we talk somewhere more private?'

Heat rose in her cheeks. Guilt. Betrayal. The wait for the inevitable. Piper opened the door leading to the stairway. Walked up a few steps, then turned to him. It was quiet. Silent for what seemed like hours. She said nothing, all of her words had been taken from her.

She was a silenced woman.

'I met Alex.'

The way he said it. So casually.

Piper felt her heart _stop_. She went cold. 'What do you mean you met Alex?'

'I wanted to tell her to stay away.' A nod. All casual. All normal. 'Uh, I wanted her to see that I was a real person she was hurting. But, actually, Piper, you were the one that was doing all the hurting.'

'Whatever she said is a lie, Larry. She's a crazy, manipulative liar. This is unbelievable.' Piper gasped, shaking. 'I can't believe you–– I handled this. I handled this on my own. I got rid of her. You didn't think I'd be able to handle it?'

'No, I didn't.' Larry scoffed. 'I didn't, and doesn't that say so much? I can't be on your ride anymore, Piper. I don't think we share the same values. Wh–– You want to know why _I_ approached her? Why I didn't just let you handle it like you said you would?' A pause. 'Because I was afraid. You––' He stopped. Straightened. 'You shouldn't be with someone out of fear.'

The inevitable.

Piper widened her eyes.

Finally, _finally_, he voiced what he wanted. _Implied_.

Made it clear.

Her heart raced. Fast. Panicked. _Scared_. 'No.' Her voice cracked. 'No. No, no, no.'

'I'm sorry. I... Bye, Piper.'

'No. Larry.'

He didn't wait. He didn't say another word. He looked at her, looked at the damage. He looked at the agony he caused, he looked at the tears and dread _pooling_ in her eyes. He looked at her. Then turned around and left her on the stairwell. Lost. Alone.

Piper swallowed. She was going to be sick. She was going to faint.

She was going to throw up.

'No. No.' Piper slowly sat on the step. Let it all come flooding through her.

Larry was gone. Larry had left her.  
>Alex was gone. Piper had left her.<p>

There was nothing left. _Nothing_.

Piper struggled to her feet. She grasped the bannister. Caught her breath. She was dizzy. She couldn't _focus_. Piper had to do something. She had to work. She had to treat a patient. Study. Fuck, _she needed to do something_. Needed to give herself a purpose. Needed to give herself a _point_ for trying. She was alone. She was alone. She was alone. Larry was gone.

_She_ was gone.  
>Alex was gone.<p>

_You idiot. You fucking idiot. You fucking, fucking __**idiot**_.

Yet fate was cruel. Fate was harsh. Fate decided to play another trick.

Piper didn't want to take the lift. She didn't want to, but Healy was talking to her, and she didn't want him to talk to her. She needed an escape. Needed to get out. She didn't want to talk to the man who _ruined_ everything for her, she didn't want to smile and bare it all. She didn't want this. She didn't want _any of this_. She didn't _deserve_ any of this. It wasn't fair. None of it was fair.

The lift doors opened. She stepped inside. Inhaled. The lift stopped at the next floor.

Alex didn't see her until it was too late. Eyes wide, Alex swiftly tried to make an escape, but the doors shut on her. Piper didn't move. Didn't speak. Didn't look at her. She was tense, waiting for Alex to hurt her like Larry had done. She waited for Alex to swear at her. Hate her. But Alex was quiet. Horribly quiet. She proceeded to the far corner of the lift.

Nothing.

Piper could _feel_ her presence.

And it was too much. It was too much. She shook.

_I made a mistake_.

She wanted Alex. She wanted Alex, but she couldn't have her. Not after what she did, not after the threat of being fired. Not after everything. They were ruined. They were _ruined_. Everything was _ruined_. Piper jarred her teeth, and wanted to turn around, kiss her, _beg_ Alex to take her back. To not leave her. She didn't want Alex to leave her. She didn't want Alex to leave her.

Finally, she was able to cry, but she held it back for as long as she could.

When she felt Alex's eyes on her, Piper inhaled. Wiped her eyes, and held her breath, waited. It was as if Alex was slicing her back open, oozing blood, all the regret, misery and _hatred_ Piper held for herself. It was if Alex was taunting her. It was as if Alex was inevitable.

She was here. Piper could touch her, speak to her.

_You don't want her. She doesn't want you. _

It was done. It was final.

As soon as the lift doors opened, Piper dashed out.

Ran.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**author's note**: Thank you **shrub-skinz**, **reesefries**, **VausemanFanfic**, the four **[ Guest ]** reviewers, **Cherishedngadsden**, **tatimac**, **[ Basic ]**, **Maritexxam**, **[ helen ]**, **Marissalyn**, **Chand3li3r**, **OITNBEmma**, **chocgirl**, **Shepherdinha**, **SharonShrfan**, **[ lj ]**, **bookiwookieworm**, **Al3xAF**, **g4gusgrisam**, **cmc49anc**, **bluepaintbox**, **ohmcsexy**, **ejm137**, **[ KathrynVause ]**, **izzielg**, **[ Francis ]**, **ToTheBarricades**, **DarkestGayMoon** and **[ Rbx ]** for reviewing!


	19. Write Off The Rules

**.**

**.**

**.**

Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>19.<strong>

**.**

**.**

**.**

All of his belongings were gone. It was as if he never existed. The house too big for one, abandoned by an intern who spent more time at the hospital than home. His shoes were no longer waiting at the bottom of the staircase. The bedroom isolated, unwanted and lonely. The bed cold, too large, too empty. Piper didn't feel welcomed here anymore.

But, from that point on, there weren't any obstacles. She went to bed alone, woke up alone, ate breakfast alone, went to work alone, and went home alone. And she deserved it. The abandonment. Deserved every second. Yet, it was better. Piper wasn't distracted. She was organised, she had time to study, and by the time it was her intern exam, she was prepared. She was confident and she was prepared, and there was nothing stopping her from reaching her potential.

The results of their exam would be revealed in the next few weeks. Piper left the room with a sense of accomplishment, and it felt as if the weight of the year had been lifted from her shoulders. She remembered why she became a doctor, why she loved this career so much and she was glad she chose this sort of future. Because maybe being alone suited her best. Maybe she just wasn't meant to be in a relationship; maybe it was better this way.

Even if she missed her. Even if she missed Larry. Even if.

Piper's mother wasn't too pleased when she discovered the end of Piper and Larry's engagement. The reasons behind it were kept secret. Piper doubted her mother would understand the drug importer girlfriend who she had a brief, but very passionate affair with. Alex had become this invisible woman, somebody who drifted through. It was hard to grasp the idea that they would never meet again, and, in a way, Piper hoped they wouldn't.

Because if Alex reentered her life again, it would only mean bad news.

Her number was in Piper's phone. Piper knew her address. But, it was effortless –– what they had _finished_, and it was effortless. By the end of the month, the doctor discovered she had passed her exam; she was a resident. And by the end of the month, she had stopped thinking about her, thinking about what could have been. She stopped crying for losing what was never hers.

* * *

><p><span>A Year Later<span> (6th November)

* * *

><p>'I want to tell you something.'<p>

'Okay...?'

'Can you meet me in the on-call room in twenty minutes?'

'Okay. Wait, Polly, what's going on?'

A smile. 'You'll find out.'

Of course Piper couldn't concentrate after this. Whatever Polly was hiding, it seemed big. She watched as her friend literally _skipped_ down the hall, overjoyed. Piper had to admit, it felt nice to see her look so pleased. It had been a while since anything good had happened. She passed a few wards, up a staircase and towards the area she would meet her interns for rounds. She liked being in charge. No, loved it. Teaching people was wonderful.

Plus, it was satisfying to not be the baby in the hospital anymore. Some were a little timid, nervous, but they were all eager and very keen to learn. Most questions she asked were answered correctly, but there was the odd mistake. On rounds, her interns were respectful to the patient, they knew their stuff. Yet there was one downfall. Being paged for the smallest of things got irritating, especially when it was as simple as placing an IV, or applying stitches.

Piper liked to believe she didn't have a temper.

Except when she was paged during her break, or enjoying a warm bath, or eating her damn dinner. But they were interns, just like she was. Piper was probably as irritating as them. If not, more so. Well, she hoped not. It took a lot of independent work in order for her to get this far. After advising an intern on how to give a patient her medication when she was stubbornly refusing, Piper hurried to the on-call room Polly wanted to meet her in.

Her friend was already there. Piper locked the door. Turned to her with wide eyes.

They stared at each other for a moment, before Polly finally cracked. 'I'm getting married! Pete proposed last night!' As if to prove this, Polly pulled out her engagement ring hidden in her pocket. Piper gaped. 'Yeah, yeah, I know what you're going to say. I rushed into it and crap, but it's been over a year, and I don't want to be single when I'm old and dry, you know?'

'Oh. _Oh, _God, Polly. I didn't need the visual.'

'Aren't you happy for me?'

She was. Yes, of _course_ she was happy for Polly. But Piper didn't know what to say. For years, they always thought Piper would be the first to marry. To meet a charming man and settle down. That _was_ going to happen. She swallowed. Looked at the ring, then her. Smiled, and pulled Polly into an embrace. 'You're an idiot. Yeah, I'm happy.'

It had been a long time since Polly was this giddy and excited. Piper wished she could share her enthusiasm, but something was making her struggle. She smiled again, jumped with her in excitement, before Polly's pager went off. They agreed to meet during break. As soon as Polly stepped out of the on-call room, Piper hesitated from leaving herself.

She wasn't jealous. Or angry. Or upset.

She just felt _nothing_. A strange, unwelcoming numbness.

Piper _doubted_. She doubted the engagement, and she hated herself for projecting her own experiences onto Polly. That wasn't fair. The doctor was more than grateful when her own pager started beeping. Thinking it was another intern, she checked the message. At first, she thought she had read it wrong, or if her mind was playing tricks.

Nicky Nichols was awake.

Heart in her mouth, Piper dashed out of the on-call room and towards Nicky's ward. It had been a year. A _year_. They were starting to believe she would never wake up from her heroin overdose. This was a miracle. A fucking miracle. Piper reached Nicky's bed, and she still looked asleep, stuck in a coma, but when Piper came round to glance at her heart monitor, Nicky slowly opened her eyes.

'Startin' to think I'm in Heaven now. Angels walkin' around.'

Piper smiled at her. It felt so good to hear her voice. 'Are you giving me a compliment?'

'No. It's the lab coat. Makes you glow.'

'Oh.' Piper pulled on her stethoscope, checked her heart rhythm. 'Well, you certainly slept in.'

Nicky frowned. 'Hey, doc –– you gotta be honest with me: how long was I out?'

This sort of news was never easy for either the patient or doctor. The psychological trauma the patient went through after discovering they had been in a coma wasn't something a doctor could treat. However, Piper hoped Nicky would be able to manage. 'You were in a coma for about a year,' she said softly.

Nicky raised a brow. '... holy shit.'

'Listen, you don't need to panic. We'll contact a friend or family member. We're not going to kick you out until you're stable, and I don't just mean physically.'

It didn't appear as if Nicky was listening. She groaned, ran a hand down her face. 'Ah. _Shit_. Those fucking drugs, man. I don't know what–– I don't know what came over me. I quit ages ago. I was clean for months.' She swore again. 'Red's gonna kill me. _Fuck_.' Piper said nothing. There was nothing _to_ say. She let Nicky rant, though. She let her talk. 'Promised Vause I'd give it up, too. I'm surprised she hasn't come in here and suffocated me with a pillow already.'

Piper looked away. The last time she heard Alex's name was so long ago.

'Kinda wonder if _anyone_ will come see me after pulling that.'

'I'll visit you.'

'Pst. Nah, Blondie, you ain't my type.'

'Well, I'm your doctor, so tough.'

'Fierce. Nice.'

'You should rest. I'll come back to check on you.' Piper began to walk away, but she quickly turned back to face the patient. Despite recovering from a coma, Nicky didn't seem relieved or happy. She didn't seem anything, like how Piper was with Polly's engagement. Piper softened her expression, 'I'm glad you're back with us again.'

Nicky smiled crookedly, 'Thanks, kid.'

_Kid_.

"_It's doctor. Not kid."_

"_How old are you?"_

_"T––Twenty four."_

"_Twenty nine. So yeah, kid, go fix my chart."_

Alex. That conversation felt like a decade ago. Too long ago. Piper had just begun her internship. She was new. Young. Stupid. And engaged. Wow. Upon realising this, it hit how much she had changed, how much she had matured. How much her life was now in her hands. With Nicky awake, things seemed to be brightening up; fate seemed to be working on her side.

She missed it –– _kid_.

That cocky smirk.

She asked a nurse to contact Nicky's mother, before visiting her next patient. An intern came rushing into the room, flustered, asking Piper if she would help put in a central line. Another intern couldn't manage a code, and another had burst into tears in one of the storage rooms. It was a sharp comparison, a sharp revelation that things were different.

A _lot_ different.

After work, Piper headed straight for The Ghetto. It was awkward reintroducing herself, but fortunately Red recognised her. Once Piper revealed Nicky was awake, she saw nothing but relief. All the anger and frustration Red must have felt had vanished in an instant. Just knowing Nicky was alive was enough, and Piper even offered to give her a lift to the hospital.

The moment Red appeared in Nicky's ward, Nicky beamed. Of course her smile faded when Red scolded her, but the rough approach faded after a while. They hugged, talked, and Piper left when Nicky began to confess her reasons for using again, albeit teary-eyed. The topic was too sensitive for a doctor to poke their nose into.

More to the point, it was none of her business.

'Hasn't your shift ended?'

Piper turned. A man, a few inches taller than she, stood before her. He was good-looking, fairly tanned, a nicely groomed face. Pointed nose. Dark, combed back hair. He wore scrubs. A doctor. A resident, she realised once checking his name tag. 'Yes. I was just leaving.' Piper stepped out of the ward, gave him a look. 'Why?'

'No, just asking. I've seen you around a lot –– constantly working. Just wondered if you were ever off.'

'Oh. Well.' She smiled. 'I am.'

He chuckled. 'So, that means I can take you out for a drink, right?'

Piper narrowed her brows, but the smile lingered. 'I don't know. I _was_ going to sit on my sofa for the rest of evening, eating ice cream and getting fat.'

'Ah, I can see how that's more tempting.'

She shrugged. 'I can go for drinks, instead.'

That answer seemed to please him. 'Awesome. I'm Matt, by the way.'

'Piper.'

'I know. I mean... yeah, I know you are. That makes me sound stalkerish.'

She smiled. She liked his awkwardness. His hesitance. How dark his eyes were. His fondness of her. She liked that. 'It's all right.'

'Anyway, uh, _drinks_! My shift ends in two hours, so you want to meet me at the bar just down the road?'

'Okay.'

Piper felt neutral. Why not go for a date? They smiled again, uncertain, and then finally Piper was able to walk out of the hospital. The temporary freedom felt good. She followed her original plan. Sitting on the settee, watching _Mad Men_, and eating ice cream. Her pager didn't go off. The next several hours were all too herself. She didn't intend to dress up for drinks, but before heading out she reapplied her makeup. Added a little eyeliner.

Today was empty. Eventless. She arrived at the bar. It was fairly empty, warm, inviting. Matt was constantly smiling, constantly listening and talking. He asked what she wanted to drink. _Just a margarita, please_. 'Oh. Good choice. Yeah, I'll have one, too.' Matt was friendly. He worked hard, he had two siblings –– sisters –– and a mother and father. He had always wanted to be a doctor, and apparently his career completely shattered his social life.

Piper had to laugh, because she was exactly the same. Maybe all doctors were.

But, there was nothing outrageous about him. Nothing adventurous, nothing rebellious, nothing cruel, nothing twisted. Nothing broken, damaged, wanting to be fixed. No insecurities, no fears of abandonment. No health problems. No Alex. There wasn't anything Alex about him. He was her opposite. Kind, warm-hearted. Without complication.

Matt asked about Piper. Eventually, Piper confessed she was once engaged. Matt asked why it ended. Piper said it just did. There was no real reason. She didn't mention anything. She didn't mention the patient, the affair, the drugs. Then, he smiled crookedly, and said he was selfish, because he was pleased the engagement was over. Because he was happy to give it a shot with her. See if anything might happen. He then proceeded to reveal he had always fancied her, just never had the courage to approach her until very recently.

She just smiled.

'When does your next shift start?'

'At four in the morning.'

'I guess you want to head home, then?'

'... I guess.'

'Want me to walk you back?'

'It's okay.'

'Well, I want to.' He stood. 'Please. I won't be able to sleep if I don't know you've reached home safe.'

So, she was smiling again, and she let him walk her home. They talked some more, and he joked, making her laugh, and he was fun, kind. Sweet. When they reached her door, Piper kissed him, just once, a short kiss. A kiss which left him stumped, uncertain if "they" had become something. Before he said a word, Piper unlocked the door and stepped through.

She didn't go to bed. She stayed up. Drinking red wine. She thought about that kiss. How his lips were slightly chapped, a little rough, but he smelt nice. She imagined what it would be like if he held her. If he would be as affectionate as Larry. She imagined approaching Matt, confirming she wanted to go on another date with him. Imagined his relief, his hesitance, his awkwardness, his smile. But, she didn't want it. She didn't want any of it.

Love just no longer appealed to her.  
>Piper didn't care anymore.<p>

After her last glass of wine, she switched on the TV. Fell back onto the sofa.

Thought about Alex. How soft and smooth her lips were, how good her hands felt on Piper's naked body, how fantastic it was when she held her.

A year. It had been a year since Piper last gave her the time of day.  
>She thought about Alex, before gradually falling to sleep.<p>

**.**

**.**

**.**

The following morning was unpleasant, mostly because a sick child had vomited all over her scrubs. Still, work was work. Even if it smelt dreadful. Piper changed, and was assigned to the emergency room. The one place she truly hated. At six in the morning, there were a surprising amount of emergencies to be dealt with. Her first patient was victim to two bullets –– they were sent straight to surgery. The next a teenager suffering asthma, the next an elderly man who had broken his ankle. A six year old child, screaming and wailing because he was enduring horrid stomach cramps. Piper was eventually left with a twenty year old woman, who needed her wound cleaned and sutured.

A doctor came over, and slammed several files onto the table next to her. 'You're going to have to sign all these.'

'No, I got Soso to sign them.'

'Clearly not.'

Piper sighed in frustration. Brooke Soso was one of her interns, who had her foot in her mouth all the time. She didn't quite know when to stop. Plus, she was forgetful and, well, _careless_. She made the most inexcusable mistakes, such as giving a patient the wrong pill or taking half an hour to insert an IV. The amount of times Piper had rushed in to save the poor girl from getting sued was unbelievable. What was worse was that Piper had to take the blame. Every time her interns screwed up, it was on her.

After finishing the sutures, Piper finished the job Soso should have done. The next time she met that girl, she would give her a good beating. Piper already had enough on her plate, after all.

In fact, Piper got what she wanted because Soso was suddenly standing beside her, asking a question. Fortunately, it was medical-related. She had a patient she was struggling to diagnose, but after giving Piper the symptoms, Piper was able to figure out what could possibly be wrong. 'Get them tested for an STD.'

Soso widened her eyes. '_What_?'

'A sexually transmitted disease. Do you know what that is?'

'Wh–– I mean, _yes_, but––'

'Perfect. Off you go, then.'

Piper returned to the files she was reading through. She stopped when she realised Soso was still there. The younger woman plopped down on the seat beside her, smiling ear-to-ear. 'You know what would just be awesome? If they allowed us to watch a surgery. Like, to actually be _inside_ the OR and observe what was going on? I know I'm medical, but I still want to see inside a body. I want to see it being cut open, and I want to watch a surgeon stick their hands in and rummage around. You know what I'm talking about?'

'No.' The blonde looked at her. 'No, I don't know what you're talking about.'

'It's just, sometimes placing IVs and hearing people's hearts can get boring. I want to do something more exciting. My best friend is a surgeon and she once came out of an OR _soaked_ in blood. Like, _drenched_ in blood, and I was so jealous because I've never been drenched in blood. All the patients I've had have either got a snotty nose or a scrape on the knee.'

'Poor you.'

'Right?! I mean, if I could have _one_ day where someone, I don't know, has their leg torn off, that'd be so cool.'

Already, Soso was driving Piper crazy. Impatient, Piper turned to her, 'Look, the reason why your days seem slow is because you've _just started_. If you want something more exciting, then fight for it. It's not going to be handed to you! Also, if you actually _did_ any work, then you might get a more interesting patient. The reason I'm sitting here is because you didn't sign the papers I sent you this morning. I'm actually clearing the mess you made. You want to get somewhere in this hospital? Then, first, you can get your ass into gear, because I am _not_ going to be cleaning up after you.'

It felt good to finally let that all out. Soso just stared at her, speechless.

This glorious moment was interrupted, though, when Piper's pager went off. Groaning, Piper glanced at the message. Heart attack. Emergency ward. She shot off her seat and rushed for the lift, jabbing the button constantly until the doors finally opened. Within seconds, she was in the emergency room, and a doctor called her over. Bennett handed Piper a chart. 'Thirty year old. Female. Heart failure. She does have a pacemaker, and we're not entirely sure if it's the pacemaker that stopped working, or the heart.' Was that a joke? Was Bennett trying to be _funny_? Piper stared at the name. Exhaled shakily. She nearly dropped the chart.

Piper brushed past Bennett and into the room.

A heart monitor was beeping furiously.  
>A doctor was ordering a nurse to fetch something.<br>An oxygen mask. Wires.  
>Rush. Everyone was rushing around the patient, grabbing the correct equipment, syringes to insert, medication to slow the heart––<p>

'She needs ACE inhibitors! We need to give her a bucket full of them. And Beta Blockers! Nurse, when she was admitted? What happened?' Piper barged past an intern who was struggling to inject the patient with her medication. 'For God's sake, it's not _hard_. Doctor, have you given her the––'

'Chapman, calm down!' Bennett yelled from the doorway. 'We have everything under control. Step back a moment, please.'

Reluctantly Piper obeyed. She ran a hand over her cheek, checked the heart monitor.  
>Finally, the beeping slowed, slowed.<br>Stable.

Just.

Bennett sighed, undeterred. The intern, however, was nervous. Most uninspired by Piper's behaviour.

'What's the use of a pacemaker when it doesn't _work_?' Piper whispered harshly, chucking the chart aside and coming closer to the bed. She was trembling, barely able to catch her breath. Bennett said something to her, but she couldn't hear. Looking down at the patient, Piper told herself _this isn't real, this isn't real, this can't be happening_.

They agreed to give her a pacemaker.  
>They thought it would work.<p>

Alex slowly came to. She winced a little, turned her head to look at Piper. It wasn't right to see Alex trapped behind an oxygen mask, pale, weak. _God damn it_. Not this again. Not this cycle again.  
>It had been a year.<p>

'Hello, Alex,' Bennett said. 'I want you to remain calm. You've just suffered heart failure. We're going to transfer you upstairs where we can ascertain the problem. Doctor Chapman, get one of your interns to transfer her.'

'I can do it, sir.'

'You––' Bennett stopped. 'Fine.'

It had been a year.  
>A <em>fucking<em> year.

When Doctor Bennett left, Piper was about to speak, to say something, but Alex beat her. Angrily, she pulled off the oxygen mask. A huge mistake. 'I refuse to be treated by you. Get the _fuck_ away from me––' Alex inhaled sharply, and it was a horrible sound. As if her lungs were crushed, pressed together, _tight_. Piper fought, grabbed Alex's mask and placed it back on.

'Stop acting like an _idiot_. You idiot.'

Alex groaned, and Piper guessed she was in pain. The older woman fell back against the bed, and resisted the urge to argue. She couldn't. She was too weak.  
>A year.<br>A whole year without Alex, without health complications.

Yet she had come back.  
>The pacemaker failed.<br>She had come back.

Even if it wasn't her choice, she still came back.

Piper couldn't stay. She transported Alex to her ward, but before she could explain, say anything, her pager went off. And maybe that was just as well. Because she couldn't _bare_ the way Alex was glaring at her. Trying so hard to push through the agony her heart was causing, the disappointment, dread and horror of returning back to this place.  
>Two hours passed. Piper was paged by Bennett to meet her in the exam room.<p>

It was clear: Alex's heart was too weak. Too wounded. The pacemaker couldn't maintain a regular rhythm.  
>A pacemaker was now out of the option. A pacemaker couldn't handle a heart that was no longer <em>working<em>.

The muscle was nearly dead.

'Well?' Piper was angry. Impatient. _Furious_.

Bennett shrugged. 'We can put her on the transplant list, but... It's a long list, Chapman.'

'I know that,' she snapped. 'I know it's a _fucking _long list.'

'You going to tell her?'

'Why me?'

'She seems to trust you. You two always had a good connection. Alex would receive the news better if it came from you.'

No, she wouldn't.  
>She would hate Piper.<p>

_Hate_ her.

The chart remained clutched in her possession as she approached Alex's room. She thought about what she could say, how she could voice it, how she should look. If she should tell her _at all_. She had to. She had to tell her. She had to tell Alex that she made a mistake, that _it was her fault_ why her heart was too weak. She had to tell Alex she needed a transplant, she needed a donor heart. She had to tell Alex she only had a few months to live before her heart stopped working entirely.

And, now, Piper remembered why she hated her career.

When she arrived, Alex wasn't reading. She always read, but she wasn't this time. In fact, she didn't acknowledge Piper when she entered the room. Didn't seem to notice her. _She wants nothing to do with you_.

'How are you feeling?'

Nothing.

Piper inhaled. Exhaled.

Then, it all came flooding back. The kiss, the phone call, _the betrayal_.  
>The fact she chose her career. The fact she <em>lied<em> to Alex.

_It's my fault.  
><em>_It's all my fault_.

'Your heart is causing too much strain on the pacemaker. That's why it failed.' A pause. Piper held her breath. 'Alex, I'm sorry.'

There was a long wait.  
>But Piper didn't leave.<br>She waited for Alex to do her worst, yell at her.

'Please say something.'

Alex looked at her. 'Fuck you.'

Leave. Just leave.  
>Leave her alone.<p>

'––No.'

Alex rolled her eyes.

'I'm not going anywhere until you talk to me. Until you understand what's happened.'

'I've understood.'

'Have you?'

'Mm. Yes. You convinced me to take that pacemaker. You told me it would work.'

Piper swallowed. 'There were risks, of course. I never said it would work _completely_.'

'Don't do that.'

'Do what?'

'Take the blame off yourself. Stop it.'

'You think the reason you're back here again is because of me?'

Alex sighed. Refused to look at her. They were stuck in silence for a few minutes. Then: 'I have to wait for a heart, and will probably die doing so. Sounds very promising. What a fun time I'll have.'

'I can't believe you're making jokes.'

They said nothing. Piper clenched and unclenched her fist, remained put.  
>She wouldn't be the one leaving this time.<p>

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**author's note**: If anything is severely inaccurate in this chapter, I am so sorry. I'm genuinely surprised I've got this far without anyone pointing out any medical flaws. Anyway, I hope this chapter wasn't too jarring as far as accuracy is concerned. Thank you **reesefries**, **VausemanFanfic**, **emilyjasmine**, **Cherishedngadsden**, **Makotoftw**, **Maritexxam**, **tatimac**, **[ TVGplayer ]**, **wavesthatcrash**, **bookiewookieworm**, **MariaKittyMeow**, the three guest **[ Guest ]** reviewers, **CharrisseK**, **Al3xAF**, **g4gusgrisam**, **ohmcsexy**, **Icemera**, **EvilRegalQueen97**, **CamiMoraes**, **shrub-skinz**, **[ Basic ]**, **izzielg**, **DarkestGayMoon **and **ejm137** for reviewing the prior chapter!


	20. Room To Breathe

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Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>20.<strong>

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After the first ten seconds of having to speak to her doctor, Alex had to confirm she did not like her. For one, her doctor was a goddamn _intern_, and she had suffered enough of those during her previous visits. This intern was also far too giddy for her liking. Plus, she talked. _A lot_. No, _always_. At this time in the morning, Alex wasn't in the mood for discussions, or anything that involved words. This intern was lucky she hadn't _snapped_ yet, because Alex was not nice when she snapped.

The moment Doctor Soso came into the room, Alex _knew_ she was living a nightmare. 'Hello! I'm Doctor Brooke Soso and I'm going to be your doctor. Or, technically, Doctor Chapman is your doctor, but I'm her intern, so I'll be your doctor too! Isn't that great? Two doctors. Actually, if you count the attending as well, then you have _three_ doctors. Really makes you wonder how some patients die here, the treatment is so good.'

'You don't say.'

'Now, I think I need to tell you that there is nothing to worry about. I mean, I've seen patients waiting for hearts. I think there's another one just a few wards down. Yeah, he's been waiting for over a year now, but he's still hoping and I hope he gets his heart, too. When you've been waiting for _that_ long, you're bound to get one, right?' Soso came closer to the bed. 'I'm going to have to listen to your heart. If it's okay, do you mind sitting up a little more because I may need to hear your heart from the back and stuff.'

Alex obeyed. She had done this countless times. It was nothing unusual. By the time Soso was finished, Alex _prayed_ she had to leave, but unfortunately the intern stayed put. She slung the stethoscope around her neck, scribbled something onto Alex's chart.

'You want to know what's been disappointing for me so far?'

Slowly, Alex looked at her. 'No.'

'Well, I'll tell you anyway. I thought that us interns would all be tight group, you know? Turns out we're all like wolves, just vicious and hungry all the time. I haven't been able to steal any good cases because this girl –– who's also an intern, by the way –– keeps taking all the good ones. And it's so not fair. How am I supposed to learn if there's nothing to learn _from_? I mean, you're the best case I've had so far. But it's just a _heart transplant_. Nothing's going to happen until you get a heart.'

'Maybe if you stopped talking to me, you might find a better case.'

'Doctor Chapman wanted me to stay here and talk to you. She told me you're a frequent visitor or, uh, patient. I felt really bad for you as well, because that must _suck_.'

Alex cocked a brow. 'Chapman got you to talk to me?'

'Yeah. She's so icy. Scary. But, yeah, she told me to keep you company. She said you liked conversations, especially this early in the morning––'

'I hate to break this to you, kid, but she's full of crap.'

'Oh. Well, I'm on break anyway, so I might as well stay.'

Alex groaned, and fell back against the pillow. Fuck Piper. She was doing this on purpose, trying to prove something. Trying to look smart. Giving Alex the chatty intern? Big mistake. Without further ado, Soso started discussing the very little pay she gets and how long her shifts are, and how _unfair_ this whole thing is, and that Alex is _so_ lucky because she probably has a job which gives her good pay and decent hours.

Of course that wasn't true. Plus, Alex had a hunch she wouldn't have a job for long. Her boss froze all her transactions, put everything on hold. To do something as severe as that only meant one thing. He was tired of the heart problems, the TB, and whatever else. Alex was brilliant, but her health was dragging her down, and the business couldn't cope. She had to go.

Currently, Alex wasn't sure how to deal with this. She didn't want to. The cartel meant everything to her.

'––and my social life just doesn't exist anymore. It's really depressing. Hey, maybe us two can be friends. We're both stuck here, got no one to talk to. No one likes us. Maybe we should stick together, be a team––'

Fucking Christ.

Alex sighed. Removed her glasses. Pinched the bridge of her nose.

She was getting old. Too old to be talking to twenty year olds who didn't have an "off" switch. Was this girl even a real doctor? Or, was Piper playing a prank on her? Alex hoped the latter because there was no _way_ Soso could be a doctor. Surely not.

'––but, really, all I want to go is go home and get into bed and watch some TV. My favourite series going on right now is so addictive and I'm missing _loads_ of episodes because of this job. It's a shame your room doesn't have a TV because I could always come in here after my shift and watch the show with you –– hey, that'd be so cool! We could, like, have midnight feasts and––'

'Oi!'

Soso stopped. Looked at her. 'Hm?'

'Listen, Doctor Brooke––'

'It's Doctor Soso.'

'I've just woken up, and I can't say your last name with a straight face. It's Doctor Brooke. Now, I'm going to say this as clearly as I can: _beat it_. Right now. _Go_.'

'But I––'

'No.'

'I need to––'

'_No_. You don't.'

'But Doctor Chapman will––'

'If she causes you any hassle, bring her to me. I'll deal with her. You, on the other hand, can get the fuck out. Okay?'

Fortunately, Soso was speedy. She nodded, jumped to her feet and left the room without a word. Relieved, Alex returned to reading her novel. Interns. Alex couldn't _stand_ them. She couldn't stand certain _residents_ either. How dare Piper send that intern on her? Talk about an abuse of power. Two could play at that game. Alex was only given ten minutes to herself before she heard a knock at the door.

Her heart fell when she saw it was Doctor Chapman.

'You met my intern, then?'

Alex slammed her book shut. 'I did.' Pulled off her glasses. 'You think you're funny.'

'I _am_ funny. Plus, you're all moody with me, so I needed somebody to brighten your spirits.'

'Yeah, well, I'm not exactly big on the whole BFF thing she's got going on.' Alex cringed. 'Send her in here again, then I might just use this IV wire to shut her up.'

'Aw, but, Alex, that's harsh.'

'Is there something you want?'

'Yes. I have a few questions to ask to make sure you're a suitable candidate to be on the transplant list.' Alex raised a brow, waiting. 'Since your last visit, have you been drinking?'

'Of course. Drinking is essential.'

'I meant _alcohol_.'

'No.'

'Smoking?'

'No.'

'Taking drugs?'

Alex paused. '... _No_.'

'Okay.' Piper finished jotting down several notes. 'How are you feeling?'

'_Peachy_.'

Lowering her file, Piper gave her a look. 'Do you know how hard you're making this for me?'

'Yes.'

'Are you in any pain?'

'Depends.'

'Fine. Aside from your _ego_ being wounded, are you in any pain?'

'Good to see bedside manner is still your best quality.'

'I don't have time for jokes right now.'

'You just sent an _intern_ in here to _talk_ to me. I'm not the one making jokes.'

Piper sighed. She watched Alex for a while, and all the regret and guilt slowly began to emerge. She knew she fucked up a little. She knew she hurt Alex a year ago. But, what was done was done. Piper was hoping Alex might get over herself. Start again. Because they _had_ to work together. They _had_ to. Alex would have to be lucky if she got a heart by the end of the week. It was highly unlikely.

In order to keep her stable, they had to get along. If that meant Piper having to push the boundaries between patient and doctor, then so be it. She wasn't willing to let Alex go easily. Not this time.

Grabbing a chair, she dragged it over to Alex's beside, before sitting down. Alex looked at her, fairly amused, fairly bitter. 'Look, I'm not going to deny that what I did was wrong. I hurt you. I'm not proud of that. And I apologise for what I did. So... maybe we can try again? You know? Be friends?'

'Wow.' Alex cleared her throat, faced the wall. 'That's real big of you.'

'I didn't have a choice. My attending forced me to choose between you or my job. I was going to choose my job. How did I know if we would work out? Admittedly, we did _jump_ into it a bit too fast. I needed time. I needed to think, and I wasn't given any time.' No response. 'If it helps, I ended things with Larry, too.'

'Oh. Well, I feel so much better now.'

'I'm trying here. Can't you say something? I don't know, yell at me?'

'I don't want to say too much, doctor. Would hate it if your attending grew suspicious of us again.'

'You see, _this_ is why it was so easy to walk out on you. You're acting like a twelve year old.'

'Good. At least I'm acting older than you.'

'Have you _heard_ yourself?'

Alex said nothing. She watched as Piper heaved a heavy sigh, ran her hand through her hair. She looked terrible. Overworked, tired. She probably hadn't had a proper shower in the last two days. Which was fine. She didn't smell. It was just fairly obvious. Maybe Piper was trying to make amends. Maybe this wasn't all about herself. Maybe she was just trying to be kind.

Trying to be.

Ha.

'You seem depressed,' Alex said, 'Even for a doctor.'

Piper didn't respond.

'You know, if you ever wanna talk about it, that's what the therapists are for.' Alex grinned, earning a playful shove from her.

When Piper smiled, it felt like an achievement. Those short exchange of words managed to crumble away the most poisonous part of their breakup. They fell back into that silence again, the sort of silence where neither had to speak to fill in the gaps. The sort of silence they used to share before all of the shit happened between them. It was a nice silence, and one Alex had dearly missed.

Thinking it through, Piper did make a wise decision. She chose her career, she chose what she knew would stick by her. Yes, she had promised Alex she would stick by her as well, but, gun to their head, maybe _anyone_ would choose the more selfish route. Clearly, choosing her career had done good for Piper in the long run. Alex still felt bitter, but knowing Piper had her own interns, knowing she was a resident –– she couldn't help but feel a sense of _accomplishment _herself.

No matter which way she viewed it, though, Piper's decision still hurt. Tremendously.

'Nicky woke up.'

Alex looked at her sharply. 'What?'

'Yesterday. Nicky woke up.' Piper tried to smile again, but the shock in Alex's expression made her feel nervous. She wasn't sure how Alex would react. 'I guess the coma didn't beat her after all.'

'It won't be the coma that _beats her up_. Believe me.' The anger was an act, though. A mask. Alex slipped. She smiled, looked down at her hands, smiled wider. Her friend was awake. 'Did she say anything?'

'Just wondered why you hadn't killed her yet.'

They laughed a little, but fell into silence once more. Ten seconds passed. Alex was slightly taken aback when she felt Piper's hand crawl over to meet hers. She didn't resist when her fingers delicately trailed around her knuckles, before taking a hold of her hand properly. Their gaze met, and despite the fact Alex was the patient, Piper the doctor, they still looked similar. The bags under their eyes, dark, shallow rings, pale complexion. The exhaustion and constant fight to keep up with what life threw at them.

No apologies were uttered. It seemed, for now, their war had ended.

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Later that day, after running in countlessly to stop Soso from doing anything stupid, taking her interns on rounds, saving a child from a brain tumour, and many other tasks, Piper's shift finished. While she changed in the locker room, Matt appeared round the corner, smiling that nervous smile. She raised her brows at him in question, then distinctly remembered kissing him at the door the other night.

Shit.

How could she forget? He was probably wondering if they were still on for another evening. Piper hated to sound rude, but she wasn't interested. She wasn't interested _in general_. Hopefully Matt wouldn't take it to heart once she informed him.

To her relief, though, something else was on his mind.

'I've got this patient who I can't diagnose. No matter what I give him, his vitals aren't improving. In fact, they're getting worse. You want to help me out?'

During one's internship, a doctor got used to working after their shift. It was common, actually. Some doctors even had to be _stopped_ from working too much. Over time, Piper had learnt her limits, and she was feeling generous tonight. Nodding, she closed her locker and followed Matt towards the staff room. They sat down together, and went through the patient's chart and files.

Admittedly, this one was a toughie, but Piper had read cases like this one before. The patient suffered from hypertension, asthma, coronary artery disease. His medical history included anaemia, and multiple emergency room admissions for asthma. The patient appeared well, but was obese, as well as having fairly high blood pressure. In his mid-fifties. Single. Close to retiring.

'I would get him tested for type two diabetes.'

Matt smiled. 'Thanks.' He took the chart, 'I guess you're heading home?'

'I am. I just want to check on a patient first.'

'Okay. Maybe sometime this week I can take you out for dinner? I know a really nice restaurant. If I pick you up from your place, we can go?'

The invitation was voiced in such a rush, Piper nearly asked him to repeat himself. She blinked. 'Uh, well, uh, you know, I'm really busy this week.' Say "no". Just refuse. Just walk away. 'Look, I'm not...' _Interested_. 'You don't want to go out with me.'

'Can't I be the judge of that?'

'No, I mean, _really_, you don't want to go out with me.'

'Why not?'

'Because.' Piper shrugged. 'Because you don't want to.'

'Ah.'

'So, yeah, sorry.'

Matt raised his brows. 'What if I asked you next week? Will you be busy then?'

Probably because she wanted to sound polite, Piper laughed a little. She grabbed her coat and shoved it on. 'Maybe.' With that, she turned around and left the staff room, heading towards Alex's room. She didn't have any plans in mind. Just wanted to say good night, make sure she was okay. Yet, upon arriving, she hovered in the doorway and waited for Alex to look up from her novel and notice her.

When she eventually did, Alex said, 'Do you ever go home?'

'I live here more than there. So, I might as well call the hospital home.' Piper stepped inside. Smiled a little. 'I brought something for you.' She searched in her bag, and revealed a pack of cards. 'Found these in the waiting room. I know how much you love your games of _Snap_.'

Alex snorted, rolled her eyes. 'You know me well.'

'Do you want to play for a bit, or do you want to get some sleep?'

Placing the novel aside, Alex straightened. 'I'd rather pummel you to a game of _Snap_.'

'Oh, yeah?' Piper grinned, grabbed a seat. 'You're on, Vause. I've been practising since we last fought.'

Alex was silent for a while as Piper pulled over a table, and dealt the deck. She smiled crookedly. 'If I win, do I get anything?'

'I don't know.' Piper shared out the cards. Glanced at her. 'Might perform a little strip tease for you.'

'Really? _Oh_.'

'Disappointed?'

'I was hoping for something a little more exciting.'

'Hey,' Piper nudged her playfully. 'You need to watch your mouth. I could remove all these wires attached to your chest, let your heart fail, let you _die_. That nasal cannula can be yanked out of your nose in a second. Don't underestimate how much power I have.'

Alex chuckled. 'Fine. I'll settle for the strip tease. Although––' she sighed, '––there's not really much to look at.'

Piper gaped. Alex grinned. 'You know what? You don't get to win anything. Absolutely nothing. So, you can mope and sulk about it.'

'That intern of yours, Soso or whatever –– she said you were icy. I'm starting to see why.'

'Don't get me started on her. I don't know how she has time to study, spends every waking moment narrating her life.'

'Reminds me of you.'

'Take that back. Take that back _right now_.'

Their game of _Snap_ started at a casual pace. At first, light-hearted until Piper and Alex started to feel the competition. Alex was easily amused at Piper's determination to win. Surely it just came naturally with the whole "doctor" situation. Everything was a competition, something to beat and fight. It was how she worked. Every disease and illness was an opponent she had to kill.

But, in a way, watching her get lost in the game was sweet. About thirty minutes passed and, by that time, Piper had the majority of the cards. There was a huge pile in the centre of the table, and they were both tense, desperate to get the huge winnings.

As soon as Piper laid down the same card, both women slammed their hand onto the pack–– '_Snap_!'

Furious, a doctor barged into the room. 'Will you two keep it down?! Patients are trying to sleep!'

Piper turned to him, 'Oh. Sorry, sir. Sorry.' The doctor rolled his eyes and left. Giggling, Piper turned back to Alex, and glanced at the deck. Her smile fell. '_Shit_.'

'Ha. All mine,' Alex dragged the deck her way.

'Fuck you, Alex.'

'Keep your voice down. Patients are sleeping.'

Pouting, Piper flung a card at her. 'You're not funny.'

'I've always thought myself funny. Ever since I was kid. It's why I am a winner.'

'_God_.'

Before they were able to return to their game, there was a knock at the door. Piper peered over her shoulder and watched as a nurse entered, carrying a clipboard. She frowned, and moved back a little when the nurse approached Alex's bed. 'Here you go, Miss Vause. Sorry for the delay. Printers were acting up, and we had ran out of forms.'

'Thanks,' Alex replied, taking the clipboard.

'Just sign your name at the bottom.' The nurse offered a pen.

Instantly Piper snatched the clipboard from Alex's hands. The piece of paper attached had a few paragraphs, but she only had to read the title to know what this form was about. In big, block capitals it said: **DO NOT RESUSCITATE**. A DNR form. Piper glared at Alex, 'What is this?'

The nurse stepped away. 'I guess you both need to talk. I'll come back later.'

As soon as the nurse was out of the room, Piper turned to Alex again, holding up the clipboard. 'Alex, what are you _doing_? Do you know what DNR means? It means _do not resuscitate_. So, when your heart gives out –– which it very likely will –– I won't be able to resuscitate you. You'll _die_.'

'No shit, Piper. Will you give it back to me?'

'I can't believe this.' Piper held the form to her. 'I can't believe _you_.'

'Okay. Fine. You wanna talk about this? Tell me, how likely is it that I'm going to get a heart?'

'_Very_ likely. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if you had a heart by the end of the week.'

Alex shrugged. 'I don't believe in bullshit. Sorry, kid.'

'Don't call me _kid_. I'm a _doctor_. And, as your doctor, I'm refusing you to sign this form. I'm not going to let you do this to yourself.'

Now, Alex was impatient. She rolled her eyes, 'Fucking hell, Piper! Do you remember what happened last time I followed your advice? I got the damn pacemaker, and that didn't work. I'm waiting for a heart which I probably will never have. I don't want to be resuscitated, and be stuck in a coma, or not even be aware of what day it is. How do I know if my head can take the strain?'

'I wouldn't let you fall into a coma. I wouldn't let anything happen to you.'

'I've heard that before.'

'Alex, you're not signing this.'

'I thought the patient got to decide. Not the doctor.'

The argument ended. Alex won. Piper held her gaze; she wanted to think of more excuses, more reasons why Alex shouldn't sign the form. She wanted to convince her there were alternatives. She wanted to convince her that she _had_ a heart. But, even Piper knew she couldn't lie. She couldn't give Alex false hope. There wasn't a heart. There probably wasn't ever going to be a heart.

Defeat was horrible. Piper's shoulders slumped, her expression fell.

She didn't look at Alex when she passed back the DNR form. She didn't say a word. She just sat there, helpless, beaten, _hurt_. She hated Alex for signing the form. She hated Alex for picking up the pen and, without even a second to hesitate, signing her name. She hated Alex for breaking her heart.

Piper closed her eyes. Heard the nurse return, thank Alex, take the form and leave. Tears stung her eyes, and her heart raced with fury and urgency. She wanted to scold her, she wanted to slap Alex across the face, she wanted her to know how this made her feel.

How dare she give up?

The card game was forgotten. Piper opened her eyes, looked at Alex. The older woman wasn't angry, annoyed; she seemed calm. She was pleased with her decision. Content and satisfied. Piper shook her head. Stood to her feet, paused, faced her again.

'I don't know what to say.'

Alex shrugged. 'You have every right to be angry, I suppose. I know you've spent a long time trying to treat me, but I don't think I can do this for another thirty years.'

Piper softened her expression. She inhaled. 'I don't know if I'm angry. I'm _confused_ by you.'

She chuckled slightly. 'I'm confused by me, too. I'm pretty much the master of handling things completely wrong.'

'Yeah, well that's an understatement.'

'I'm a fuck up.' Alex folded her arms, shrugged again. 'You know, I think I'm out of the job. Guess my health was too much of an inconvenience for my fucking boss. If I actually do get out of this shithole, then what am I going to do, then? Get a real job?' She grimaced. 'I can't even see myself doing that.'

'That's an opportunity you need to take, Alex.'

'What am I qualified to do? As far as I'm concerned, I don't have a job. I'm relying on a machine to keep my heart beating. I have a tube stuck right up my _chuff_, and, personally, I'd rather use it for something else. Like, I dunno, _peeing in a toilet_.'

'Just be patient. I know it's frustrating.' Piper frowned. 'Chuff?'

'It's been a rough day. I can't think of a better term.'

'How about vagina?'

'Look, you can tell me it's going to be okay, or I'm going to get a heart. But I know I'm not. Or, if I do, it's going to be very unlikely. I know what I want –– I wanted to sign the DNR form. As my doctor, I was hoping you would respect that decision.'

Piper was motionless, helpless. 'No.'

'I don't have a choice.'

'You can't leave me.'

'Piper, I have very little options.'

'... I don't have anyone left.' She paused, trying so hard to keep herself steady. To keep herself composed. But she was failing; she was _failing_. Larry was gone, her parents barely spoke to her anymore, Polly was engaged and spent more time with her fiancé than her. Everybody seemed to be distancing themselves from Piper. It was deserved. After what she did, she deserved to be abandoned.

That didn't mean she _wanted_ to be, though. She needed Alex to stay. To keep trying. So what if she had been struggling for so many years? So _what_? Piper was a good doctor. She could help her. She _would_ help her. Alex must have noticed, she must have noticed Piper was reluctant to accept the situation. She must have realised just how terrified Piper was.

'I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of it.' A year. It had been a year, and they were still stuck in this _mess_. 'But, I really do love you.'

Piper wished she hadn't confessed. She wished Alex hadn't said anything. She wished Alex had never returned, she wished Alex never _existed_. 'Yeah, well I hate you.'

'No, you don't.'

And that was it. That was final. That was the point in which Piper realised how much Alex knew her, how well she could read her. At that point, Piper was _sure_. Because no matter what happened, no matter what they did or said to each other, they were an inevitable cause. A dire consequence. They had fucked each other over, tried to move on, and failed miserably.

There was no other way around it.

Piper was _trapped_, and had dragged Alex down with her. Nothing had changed.

'No. No, I don't.'

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**author's note**: Thank you **reesefries**, **ejm137**, **g4gusgrisam**, **melodydean**, **CharrisseK**, **Cherishedngadsden**, **IrishCourtney**, **ohmcsexy**, **Maritexxam**, **[ Sasha ]**, **[ TVGplayer ]**, **[ Basic ]**, **vanillaltte**, **Chand3li3r**, **TakeAMessageBackFromMe**, **phantomframe**, **emoangel19**, the two **[ Guest ]** reviewers, **OITNBEmma**, **Aurorazilla**, **Al3xAF** and **izzielg** for reviewing the prior chapter!

So I have an idea of what sort of stories you enjoy, I've posted a poll asking which Piper/Alex story I've written which you like the most. **Please do vote**. You can pick two. Thank you.


	21. Pieces Of Her Heart

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Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>21.<strong>

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Sometimes, there was an estimated time.

Sometimes, they could guess how long a patient had to live. But, other times, it was impossible to determine. Patients waiting for heart transplants obviously had a limited amount of time, yet a doctor couldn't really _say_ how many weeks, months or even years remained. Every day, the clock ticked, the bomb seconds closer to exploding; a waiting game.

The agony of waiting to die.

Sometimes, all it took was a _push_. A trigger.

A chain reaction of multiple causes. Completely out of the hands of a woman who wore a lab coat, and played God.

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The mobile phone was held in her loose grip. Seconds ago, she was contacted by an employee, and his words were blunt, to-the-point. Alex was expecting to hear those two words, the crush of her pride, her success. She was expecting the sacking. But, for her, it was more than a sacking. Being told "you're fired", was a _hit_ to her heart. All her life, she had her mother to rely on, and when she was introduced to the cartel, the drugs, the ring, she was suddenly in control.

Suddenly, she was powerful and able to take care of herself and her mother.

Of course her mother passed away. _Of course_. A cruel, tormenting fate. So, all Alex had left was the drugs. The drugs became _her life_. Until now––

A patient was yelling and screaming outside her ward. Doctors hurried past her door towards the exclaims of pain. Alex couldn't see what was going on, but she barely cared. She was accustomed to the screams of patients, the cold hands of doctors, the sweet smiles of nurses. Ghosts who came and went. Visited her, told her there was something wrong with her, kept her _chained_ to a bed.

So much for control.

What control did Alex have? Really? Her health was out of her control, what the doctors did to her was out of her control, and this alleged heart transplant was out of her control. A myth. It was sick, waiting around for somebody to die, to give her their heart.

She tried to read. Tried to distract herself. Nothing. Her head felt heavy. She picked up her mobile, scrolled through her contacts of people she barely knew. Stopped at the only one which mattered –– _Mum_. Alex watched the screen, pressed the green phone, held the mobile to her ear. There was a beat of silence. No dial, no automatic voice, nothing. There was just the wait, the pause while the number dialled through.

Dead. She was dead. Gone.

And, yet, Alex kept thinking –– _pick up, pick up, please, __**please pick up the fucking phone**_.

'_We are sorry. This number no longer exists. Please check you have dialled the correct_––' Alex hung up. Brought the mobile to her ear again. It sounded like waves on the other end, or a breeze; it sounded as if somebody was breathing. Alive.

'Mum?' She didn't wait for an answer. 'They're saying I need a transplant. I need more fucking surgery.' Alex lowered her gaze. 'It's pissing me off. How many more surgeries do I need until I'm better?' No answer. 'You remember the deal we made? If I'm still having problems at thirty, then I can call it quits if I want to. You said that. You said I could do that.' Alex swallowed. 'I'm not waiting for this heart. I signed the DNR form.'

She waited for her mother to argue, to reason.

Nothing.

'... I signed the DNR form.' A tear stung her eye. Alex pulled off her glasses roughly. 'It's fucking bullshit. Fucking _bullshit_.' Wiped her eye. 'When will you come and see me?' Stop. She should stop talking. Alex couldn't, though. She had to talk. Had to let it out. 'I get real lonely here, Mum.' A pause. She whispered, '... I got fired. They fired me. I'm out of the job. What do I do?'

Nothing.

'Please talk to me.'

Nothing, but emptiness. The chill of silence.

'I need you.' She lowered the mobile, sniffed, pressed the red phone. Alex knew she shouldn't, but she felt betrayed. She felt betrayed that her mother didn't appear, that her mother didn't pick up, that her mother didn't offer any advice, that her mother hadn't come to see her yet. Alex threw her mobile into the wall; it smashed to pieces, crumbled to the floor.

Leaning back, Alex tried to remain calm. Her mother was dead. That was why she hadn't come to visit her yet. She was dead and she wasn't coming back. Alex was alone. She had no one. What was the point? She grew agitated with the heart monitor. Its continuos _beep_ing. Reminder that she was still alive. Still hanging on. The wires stuck to her chest, the nasal cannula fastened around her head, and the white, bleak walls.

An intern came in. Checked her vitals. Then a nurse, asking if Alex would like anything. They were kind, and they were only doing their job, but Alex only offered short, cold responses. She folded her arms, gazed out of the window for hours, thinking. Thinking about her weak heart, the strain it must be under. Thinking about Piper, their card game, how Piper reacted to the DNR form. Selfish. Selfish. Fucking selfish. Alex didn't know why she cared so much about what Piper said though.

She was just a doctor.

Just someone she held so many fucked up, powerful emotions for. Whenever she saw Piper, Alex's heart would always skip a beat. Whenever she saw her, the room brightened up. Whenever she saw Piper, Alex forgot, momentarily, why she was here. It was as if Piper was what was keeping her going, giving her hope. Tricking her into not holding her breath.

'Alex Vause?'

She turned and saw a doctor in the doorway. Mid-to-late twenties. Resident, perhaps. A little tanned, facial hair, big nose, dark hair. 'What?'

'Oh, so _you're_ Alex, right?' He smiled cheerfully.

Alex raised her brows. 'Yeah.'

'The transplant patient. Waiting for your heart.' He stepped into the room, reading through her chart. 'How has that been going for you?' Alex already disliked him. She didn't offer a response. Instead she reached over to grab her novel, opened it. The doctor cleared his throat, a little awkward. 'My name is Doctor Jenkins. Uh, I actually know your doctor. Chapman, yes?'

Peering at him over her book, Alex gave him a dead-panned look. 'You're a doctor?'

'I–– Yes, I am.'

'Wow. Surprising. How about you do your job and stop talking to me?'

'Oh. Feisty.' He grinned. 'Listen, I know it's hard. I've met patients like you before –– it's a real struggle, but us doctors are with you every step of the way.'

'Thanks. Now all my worries are over.'

'Anyway, Doctor Chapman is very good. She's also pleasant on the eyes, so you're lucky.' Alex stopped reading. Watched him as he proceeded over, fiddling with his stethoscope. 'I know we're not supposed to talk about this to our patients, but I bet you're dying for some gossip, right?' He didn't wait for an answer. 'I asked her out the other day. We had a drink and we got on, but I was thinking of asking her again. What do you think?' He placed the stethoscope in his ears, 'Breathe in for me please.'

Alex obeyed.

'Thanks...' Eventually, he moved away. 'You're a woman, so what do you look for in a guy? What can I do to make her say "yes"?'

It had been a very long time since Alex felt envy. Her hands shook and she clenched them into fists, in some pathetic attempt to stay calm. Piper had neglected to mention this man. When did she date him? She scowled. 'I'm gay.' He stopped, mildly surprised. Alex glared. 'And you don't _make_ her do anything.'

'Well, obviously, I mean I was just––'

'If she wants to date you, she'll say. Back off.'

He stared at her. 'I was only asking––'

'Please don't _fucking_ whine to me about your ego being _wounded_. I couldn't give less of a shit.' She smiled cruelly. 'You can't get the girl? Oh. Poor you. Cry me a fucking river, champ. That must really _suck_.' Alex was sitting upright, shoulders tense, ignoring the race of her heart. He glanced between the monitor and Alex. Frowned at her, raised his hands in defence.

'Calm down, all right? It's just a question.'

_Calm down.  
><em>_Calm down.  
><em>_Calm down..._

'Have you finished?' Alex asked.

'Yes,' he snapped. 'See you around.' As he started to leave, the heart monitor slowed, and Alex caught her breath. She ignored the heavy sensation building in her chest, the pain from her heart. She had overreacted. She had overreacted, and she was stupid.

Why should she care what Piper was doing?

Alex returned to her novel. The monitor constant –– _beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep..._

**.**

**.**

**.**

Slamming Alex's chart on Piper's desk, Matt sat down opposite, fuming. Piper looked up from her paperwork, and watched as he sat there, arms folded, red in the face. 'What's the matter?'

'That Alex Vause. Got a right lip on her.'

'Oh.' Piper tapped the end of her pen against the table. 'She's having a rough time, and she does tend to say what's on her mind, but I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt you.'

'Perfect.' He rolled his eyes.

'What?'

'You're standing up for her? Call me crazy, but I'm pretty certain she was going to rip me a new one if I kept going on about––' He stopped at once. No way was he going to inform Piper he had been discussing her with a patient. Instead, he slid the chart in Piper's direction. 'Bad news. Her vitals are dropping. She's worse.' Instantly Piper opened the chart. 'I wanted your judgement.'

No other judgement was required. It was obvious. Matt watched as Piper's shoulders slumped, and after a few seconds, he realised she wasn't reading anymore. She was just staring at the words and numbers written down. Horrified. Alex was not getting better. She was getting worse, and even though this meant she would be higher up the transplant list, that didn't guarantee her a heart.

Piper looked at him. Looked away. Pushed the chart forward, took her pen. 'Yeah.' She started writing. 'She's getting worse.'

'Come on,' he smirked. 'What's the deal between you two?'

'There's–– What? There's no deal.'

'Alex seemed pretty protective about you.' He shrugged. 'Gave me the impression you two had something going on.' He raised a brow. 'You know that's frowned upon, right? A doctor getting close to a––'

'We're not a thing!' Piper snapped. Heart in her mouth, she clenched her fists in an attempt to stay calm. She was angry. Really fucking angry, but not necessarily at Matt. She was angry at Alex. Angry at Alex because she was dying. She was going to die. No. No... No, there had to be some hope. 'She'll get her heart.' Piper packed away her paperwork. 'She'll get her heart.' She stood up. 'And, I'm aware that a patient and doctor can't be together. I've been told that too many fucking times.'

Without waiting for Matt to respond, Piper stormed out of the staffroom, breathing hard. She wasn't upset –– not yet. She wanted to talk to Alex, scold her, _how fucking dare she let this happen_? But, it wasn't Alex's fault. It wasn't her fault her vitals were dropping. On her way down a hallway, she passed Doctor Healy. Piper didn't notice him until he called her name.

Piper stopped. Felt nothing but dread. 'Sir?'

'I hear Miss Vause has returned.'

'... Yes, sir.'

'Heart transplant?'

'Yes.'

'Mm.' He nodded. 'Shame. Listen, I know you have a lot on your plate, so I've transferred your services to Doctor Harper. She said she would be happy to check on Alex. Considering she's signed a DNR form, and is waiting for a heart, there's only so much that can be done.'

'What?' Piper's left eye twitched. She couldn't quite believe what she was hearing. 'You transferred my services?'

Unnerved by her behaviour, Healy simply nodded. 'That's right. After your mistake, I thought it'd be best Alex was out of your way.'

'Mistake?'

'Good day, Chapman.'

An ugly, poisonous rage _burned_ through her. Piper jarred her teeth, 'Alex was not a mistake, Doctor Healy. She wasn't a romp. She wasn't a ride. She _isn't_ a mistake.' Lower lip trembling, Piper tried to maintain her composure. She inhaled, refusing to let Healy's glare effect her.

'Alex Vause is _sick_. Dangerous.'

'...' Piper nearly laughed. She ground her teeth, clinging to Alex's chart. 'The only person who's _sick_ here is _you_. You have the audacity to call _me_ unprofessional, when the only reason you're neglecting Alex's treatment is because you hold a grudge against her.' Healy didn't move. He was motionless. 'That's what it is, isn't it?' Piper scoffed. 'You're _jealous_ of her?'

'You have it all wrong, Doctor Chapman.'

'Oh, I don't think I do. Girls like me, Doctor? We don't go for old, twisted men with lesbian fetishes. We go for tall, dark, _hot_ girls and we _fucking_ love it.' Piper stepped forwards, 'So, _**fuck**__ you_, sir. You can do what you want, but I'm not going to stop treating Alex, even if gets me fired. Alex is a _patient_, and she's ill –– she's dying, and I'm all she's got. So, _fuck you_. Fuck you.'

There wasn't going to be a response from her superior, and Piper wasn't willing to make sure. She turned on her heel, body trembling with fury, adrenaline and grief, and walked away. And as she left, she felt Healy's eyes on her the whole time, constant, glaring, _hateful_, until she eventually turned the corner, disappearing out of sight.

**.**

**.**

**.**

It must have been his gender. His desire to prove her wrong. Or, it must have been his low self esteem.

Doctor Jenkins returned, hovered in Alex's doorway, smirking. 'Guess what?' Alex didn't look at him. Didn't talk to him. 'I asked her out, and she said "yes". Oh, and I get there's something going on between you both. But, here's the kicker, Miss Vause.' He stepped further inside, leaned close to her. 'If she really liked you, she wouldn't have accepted my invitation. Am I right or am I right?'

'Oh, gosh.' Alex removed her glasses, blinked rapidly. 'Wow. I cared so little I almost passed out.'

'You can be smart, but I know chicks like you. Thinking you can fuck around with men like me –– we just want to be kind, and you come along and are mean to us. You know, I don't understand why we have to treat patients like you. I can tell you've done a number on Piper, and she's so _nice_, you know? She's really nice and you must have hurt her, because the way she looked when I told her your vitals were bad.'

Alex glanced at him.

He smiled. 'She was overjoyed. No, really. She wanted me to keep this a secret, but she was so fucking happy when I told her you'd be dead, oh, who knows? By Christmas?'

'Fuck you,' Alex murmured. 'You honestly think I'm buying that?'

'No. I _know_ you are.' He straightened, shrugged, shoved his hands into his pockets. 'It was nice meeting you anyway, Miss Vause, but don't think you can fuck me around like that again.' Just as he was about to leave, another doctor entered the room. Polly Harper looked between the two. 'Oh, hi, Doctor Harper. I was just leaving. Me and Alex were–– well, I'm off anyway.'

'Okay.' Polly didn't think anything of it. She glanced at Alex, her chart. Alex wasn't watching. She was still, staring at the wall, thinking, thinking, _it must be a lie_. After everything they had been through, Piper would not turn around and _do that_. She just wouldn't. 'Are you okay?' Polly asked, but didn't receive a response. She frowned, stepped over to Alex's side of the bed. 'Hey? You there?'

'I'm _fine_,' Alex snapped.

'Okay. Why is everyone so uptight today?' She scribbled something down. 'Anyway, I'm going to be your doctor. Chapman transferred her services, so aren't you lucky?'

It didn't make any sense to Polly why Alex suddenly looked so utterly lost. It was weird, witnessing someone so strong and resilient _collapse_. It was as if Polly had slapped her over her face. No, worse. It was as if Polly had just informed Alex she would be dead in no less than five minutes. There was nothing but dread, realisation, _heartbreak_ in her expression. 'Oh. Fine.' Alex raised her gaze to meet Polly's. 'Is there anything else?'

'No.' Polly frowned. 'I wouldn't take it personally. A lot of doctors transfer their services. She's just really busy. I'm sure she'll come visit you later.'

'That won't be necessary,' Alex muttered, turning her attention to her novel.

'She'll probably insist on seeing you anyway. You know what she's like.'

_I thought I did_. Alex was quiet, forcing herself to read, but by the time Polly had left, she was _crushed_. Had Doctor Jenkins been telling her the truth? Did Piper really accept to go out on a date with him, and was she really that happy to witness Alex's vitals dropping? Was everything else just a lie? Alex shuddered with rage. Swallowed. Inhaled. Exhaled. No.

No. Piper wouldn't.

Would she...?

_She's slipping away_. Their "I love you" meant nothing. Piper knew better. Piper knew Alex wouldn't survive. Why would she waste her time? Alex wouldn't wait. Alex wouldn't wait for her to get a heart transplant, so why should Piper? Why should Piper stop everything for one patient?

Maybe Doctor Jenkins was telling the truth.  
>Maybe, maybe, maybe...<p>

_If she really liked you, she wouldn't have accepted my invitation_.

**.**

**.**

**.**

1907.

This was the first time Piper had checked the time since this morning. Her shift was coming to an end, and she really needed to speak to Alex. There were things she needed to explain, and she was worried Doctor Healy might have said something to Alex. He might have told her Piper _wanted_ to transfer her services, might have threatened Alex to stay away. Piper couldn't bare the thought.

She had to see her.

Unfortunately, she was stuck with a patient whom she couldn't diagnose. Polly was helping her. They had tried everything –– scans, blood test, stool sample, the list went on, and they couldn't find the problem. Piper was growing impatient. She had to be out of the hospital in fifteen minutes otherwise she would be in trouble for working past her shift. And she had to see Alex.

As her best friend, Polly caught on that Piper was restless. 'Look, leave this all to me. I can sort it.'

'No, it's okay––'

'Piper. Seriously.' Polly took the paperwork. 'Why are you so tense?'

'I––' Piper sighed. 'Doctor Healy warned me about Alex. _Again_.' Polly rolled her eyes. 'He said he was transferring my services over to you?' Polly looked at her, stiffened a little. 'Oh, shit. Polly, please tell me that didn't happen. You haven't told Alex, have you?'

'Of course! I'm her doctor. I had to tell her. Piper, what the hell's going on?'

'No–– Nothing.' Piper ran a hand through her hair. Stood to her feet. 'When you find out what's wrong with our patient, tell me.' She pulled on her lab coat. 'I'm going to talk to Alex. I don't want her getting any bad ideas, especially in the condition she's in.' And she was gone, racing down the hallway, over to the lift, jabbing her finger onto the second floor button.

She shouldn't feel so scared. So worried. Alex would know better than to take the transfer personally. Piper reached Alex's room in less than three minutes, and felt relieved to find she was all right. Alex was resting, her novel in her possession; still open. When Piper appeared, her eyes cracked open and she smiled a little. Piper beamed, and came over to the bed.

'I wanted to see you before I went. Today has been so hectic. I'm sorry we couldn't meet.'

Alex shrugged. 'It's okay, kid.' Her voice was weak, but Piper simply assumed she was tired, exhausted. She just needed sleep. 'I understand.'

'I'll see you tomorrow. If I stay here any longer, I'll get my ass kicked.' Piper pulled Alex into an embrace, and felt Alex's arms come around her waist. 'My dumb attending thought it'd be such a good idea to transfer my services. I was so angry at––'

The heart monitor was _screaming_.

_Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep_––

'Alex?' Piper smiled, 'What––?' Alex's arms fell to her sides, and her body went limp. Piper widened her eyes, clung to her hospital gown, 'Alex?' No response. She might as well be sleeping, unconscious, unaware, _slipping away_. Piper didn't move. Gently, she placed Alex onto the bed, listened to the heart monitor, wailing, going on, and on, and on, and on, and on––

_Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep_––

Piper yelled into the hallway, 'Get a crash cart!' Ran back to the bed, started to perform CPR. One. Two. Three. '_A crash cart_!' She screamed, eyes building with tears. She couldn't see. She couldn't see a damn thing. '_**Get me a crash cart**_**!**' She paged Polly, she paged Bennett, turned to Alex. Beat her chest, 'Nurse!' Footsteps. Hurried footsteps. Polly ran into the room. Stared at the scene unfolding.

Looked at Piper. The heart monitor.

'Piper... we can't––'

'Help me!' Piper cried, arms already aching. 'Doctor Harper!?'

'She signed a DNR form. She doesn't want––'

'Help me!'

Pause.

'_Polly_! Please! Please help me! _Please_!'

_Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep_––'

'Fuck.' Polly ran out into the hallway, 'Get us a crash cart _**now**_!'

Piper wasn't aware of what happened next. She looked at Alex's face, hoping her eyes would miraculously open, hoping this would all be a joke, hoping this was a stupid prank, hoping, oh God, Alex–– 'Stop this,' Piper whispered, relentless, still performing CPR. A crash cart rolled in. Polly was yelling at her to move away. Someone grabbed Piper by the scuff of her collar, yanked her back.

She slammed against the wall.

White.

Blue.

_Beepbeepbeepbeepbeep_––

An oxygen mask.

'**Clear!**'

Tears. Piper pressed her palms against the wall, stared at Alex's lifeless body.

'**Clear!**'

Doctor Bennett glanced at the monitor.

'**Clear!**'

Alex's body jumped at the shock of the defibrillators.

Then, the monitor droned on...

... and on...

'**Clear!**'

Piper's heart stopped.

The floor beneath her crumbled away.

'**Clear!**'

And there was nothing. There was nothing.  
>There was nothing left to save.<p>

'One more time, Doctor.'

Piper's mind _wailed_ in agony. Her form slipped down the wall, and she was lost. Shuddering, tears trickling down her cheeks.  
>Hopeless.<p>

_One more time.  
><em>_One more time.  
><em>_One more time._

The heart monitor ceased. Alex didn't move.  
>Piper allowed their fate to fall.<p>

_Please don't leave_.

'... _**Clear!**_'

**.**

**.**

**.**


	22. Over and Over

**.**

**.**

**.**

Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>22.<strong>

**.**

**.**

**.**

She wished the chart was never given to her. She wished she never considered medicine. She wished she had been assigned to a different hospital. She wished she walked away when she could –– she wished for different, for another life, another opportunity. She wished to forget. She wished to move on, and never look back. She wished she had never met _her_.

Because if they never met, then Piper wouldn't have to lose Alex. It was that simple.

It was so simple.  
>So simple.<p>

Alex's body jumped at the shock of the defibrillators. Then her body fell back against the bed, unmoving, eyes closed; death had already embraced her, and Piper was staring at the remains. That corpse was not her; that corpse was not Alex. That was just a person. Somebody who was once.

By now, Piper couldn't hear the heart monitor.

The _drone_. The flatline.

By now, Piper had stopped crying.

Even though all that was left was a corpse, a soulless body; pale and limp –– Piper could still touch her, could still talk to her, could still press her cheek to hers –– feel the last moments of Alex's warmth. Her novel had dropped to the floor. Glasses on the bedside table. Her jacket slung over the chair. Piper realised Polly was watching her, but she couldn't avert her gaze from Alex, as if expecting her to suddenly wake up.

As if expecting the impossible.

Nothing.

The line flat, endless; no heartbeat. Gone.

Her attending made a motion to forfeit, place the defibrillators aside, say, 'Time of de––'

'Again.'

Bennett looked at her. 'I'm sorry, but––'

'Again.' Her voice was weak, fragile, pathetic. Close to falling apart. Her palm was pressed against the wall, and, this time, when tears welled up in her eyes, it wasn't out of fright, it wasn't out of shock, it wasn't out of loss. _Again. Do it again. Resuscitate her again. Again. One more time._ Piper couldn't stand everyone staring at her, she couldn't stand Alex's body, lifeless –– _she couldn't handle this_. Piper glared at Bennett, and her voice came out stronger, demanding, reckless. 'Again.'

'She signed a DNR form. We shouldn't have even––'

'Again! Resuscitate her again otherwise I'll do it myself!'

It was a fight between a fool and and a rational man. But, Piper meant every word. She would take the defibrillators, she would revive Alex. Fuck the DNR. This was Piper's patient. This was Piper's patient. _Alex was Piper's_. No one –– _no one_ –– got to decide for her. Nobody got to decide whether Alex lived or died. It was Piper's decision; it was Piper's right.

Bennett was already in trouble, and he must have known this, for he simply rolled his eyes, grabbed the defibrillators, told the nurse to heighten the voltage. Three seconds. One. The nurse set the charge. Two. Piper held her breath. Three. 'Clear!' And she knew, then, _at that point_, she was gone. Alex was dead. Piper was holding onto nothing.

The defibrillators pressed onto her body.

A shock of electricity. Alex's bruised form flinched––

_Beep... beep... beep..._

Tears trickled down Piper's cheeks as she stared at the monitor.

... _beep... beep... beep..._

...

...

... flat line. No. No. Piper jarred her teeth, approached the bed, 'Fuck you, Alex,' she whispered, vision blurred. Bennett couldn't fight her when she snatched the defibrillators. Polly opened her mouth to speak, but Piper cut through her, 'Clear!' The nurse had no choice. And Piper wasn't friendly. She shocked Alex again. Three beats of her heart. Then gone.

_Don't. Don't leave me._

_Please, please stay with me. Please. You don't get to do this. You don't get to do this to me. You don't, you don't–– Come back. Come back. I need you_––

'Clear!'

A jolt.

The monitor broke into life.

Piper was prepared to make the order again, she was prepared to do this until she, too, was close to dying. _Beep, beep... beep... beep... beep... beep_... 'Oh, God,' Polly gasped. Piper was too busy staring at the monitor, weapons raised. At Polly's words, she looked at her –– Polly was watching the corpse, lips parted, wide eyed. Piper lowered her gaze.

A shard of emerald flashed beneath her eyelids. Alex was barely conscious. Piper nearly dropped the defibrillators. Bennett said something, but she couldn't hear. Piper returned the defibrillators, took Alex's face in her hands, whispered her name. Waited. She waited for her heart to cease. For her eyes to close again. 'Look at me,' Piper couldn't recognise her voice; too quiet, too soft. Only Alex could hear her demands.

_Beep... beep... beep... _

'Doctor Chapman.'

That was not Bennett's voice.

Alex inhaled. Then she saw Piper, confused, slightly wide eyed. Piper couldn't breathe; her entire body went rigid, and she gasped, a tear falling onto Alex's cheek. She was speechless. Taken. She couldn't speak, she couldn't do anything except hold her –– she didn't dare look away, terrified Alex might disappear again. Her hands shook, and she nearly collapsed.

She was alive.

Footsteps. Heavy footsteps. A hand rested on Piper's shoulder, but the blonde didn't turn to see who had disturbed her. She couldn't let Alex go. Polly leaned over, still in shock herself. 'Piper?' She took Piper's hand, 'It's the Chief.' The boss. The man who observed the hospital, made the rules. Piper smiled. She smiled, relieved, so utterly relieved. She didn't care if she was in trouble, if she had lost her job –– Alex was alive. She turned, her hand delicately resting above Alex's beating heart.

The Chief of Medicine was a difficult man to read. He looked at the patient, back at Piper.

Before he could speak, Piper beat him: 'She needs a heart. She needs a heart, sir. Do you have a donor heart ready? She has to be at the top of the list now. She almost died; she can't survive like this––'

'Chapman. Please leave the room.'

Polly stiffened. Piper frowned, clung to Alex's hospital gown. 'No. I'm not letting her out of my sight. I'm not letting her die again.'

The Chief sighed, already exhausted. 'Doctor Harper will watch Alex. You, on the other hand, must leave immediately. Otherwise I'll have you _escorted_ out.'

Piper looked at Polly, then at Alex who appeared close to falling asleep. But she could hear every word, she knew what was going on, and she watched Piper through half-shut eyes. Just by looking at her, Piper knew what Alex was thinking. She should obey her Chief's commands, before she made it even worse for herself. Silently, Piper promised to return, even if she would return as just a visitor.

Hesitantly, she stepped away, her hand trailing down to meet Alex's, which she held tightly before exiting the room. The Chief followed, led Piper down the hallway, up the staircase and towards his office. All in silence. Piper was prepared, she was ready to take the blame. She didn't care. The only thoughts she had were of Alex, and that was all she wanted: Alex.

She wasn't going to let them part ever again.

They entered the office. The Chief told her to sit. She did. Calm. Uncaring. The faster she was dealt with, the sooner she could be with Alex. The Chief sat down, opposite, and instantly starting speaking, 'What in God's name forced you to pull an act like that? This hospital will be damn _lucky_ if the patient doesn't sue us. When a patient signs a DNR form, Chapman, _they are making it __**clear**__ they do not wish to be resuscitated_. You had no right to resuscitate her. None.'

Piper said nothing.

'What kind of relationship do you and Miss Vause have?'

This time, she didn't hold back. Whatever happened didn't matter. 'We were together, sir.'

'Not anymore?'

'Not yet.'

The Chief raised a brow. 'Do you love her?'

Piper felt a rush. It was easy. '... Yes.' She always had. It had just taken her too long to realise. It was easy. _It was so fucking easy_. 'Are you going to fire me, sir?'

Leaning back in his seat, he folded his arms. 'I certainly want to.'

'Doctor Healy said if I was seen with Alex, I'd be fired, so.' It was ridiculous how much nothing else mattered anymore. 'Sir, I don't care what you do to me, but she must get her heart.' Piper was foolish to think the shock had passed; that she had recovered. It hadn't begun yet. 'You can sue me, fire me. She's going to get a heart, though, right?'

'Possibly.' He drummed his fingers against the desk. 'There may be one. An eighteen year old boy; overdosed. Once we convince the parents, we'll have a heart.' He didn't smile when Piper did. '... But, I don't think I can let you continue your residency. Not after what happened in that room. You were out of control, Chapman. It doesn't matter whether or not you're involved with a patient, but if you step out of line –– I'm sorry, but you're not suited for this.'

'Okay.'

'You are forbidden from seeing Miss Vause––' Piper looked at him sharply, '––for a couple of hours. She needs rest, and, frankly, I'm amazed she managed to pull through. I'll meet you in the waiting area. Tell you if she has her heart, and if I intend on keeping you here.'

'Can I see her? After you've spoken to me?'

'Yes.'

**.**

**.**

**.**

Everything was background. The chatter of patients, doctors, nurses. The people who sat beside her, walked away, never returned. In her scrubs, motionless, Piper waited for her boss to come back. She glanced at the clock. It was nearly midnight.

'_Clear!'_

Piper nearly jumped. She leaned back. Mind consumed with Alex, her lifeless body. Her cheeks _burning_ with her own tears. How she pushed Bennett aside, took the defibrillators –– tried to play God. How everything she had been taught was thrown out of the window. How she suddenly didn't care anymore. How she had, carelessly, ripped off her robe for one patient.

Foolish.

But, so, so right.

Yes.

This was right.

_Please. Give her a heart._

'What are you still doing here?' It was all a blur, a rush of events. Matt stood next to her, concerned. 'Didn't your shift end hours ago?'

'Alex.' Piper didn't (couldn't) say anymore. Neither said a word, until she saw Matt scowl a little. Piper glanced at him. Something _clicked_. Slowly, she stood to her feet. Maybe she was paranoid, exhausted, beaten. Maybe she needed to rest. Maybe she was being stupid. But–– 'What did you say to her?'

Matt frowned. 'I'm sorry?'

'To Alex. What did you say to her?'

'Nothing.'

'Really?' His tone was unconvincing.

Matt scowled properly this time. 'I might have said some things to her, but she was rude to––'

'What did you say?'

A pause.

Then, he smiled in disbelief. 'I convinced her to stay out of your life.' Piper tensed. 'Told her a couple of things she should have been told long ago.' He shrugged. 'Admittedly, I took it too far. Why? Is she all right?'

'I had to resuscitate her.'

'Oh... didn't she sign a DNR form?'

Piper swallowed. Finally, she _reacted_ –– **anger**. Bubbling fury. 'Get the hell away from me. Come near me again, I'll make sure you get your ass fired. You don't talk to her, and you don't talk to me.' Piper pushed him back, 'Get out. Get the fuck out.'

How he felt, how he looked, was a mystery to her because suddenly the Chief appeared. Piper went quiet, watching him. The Chief glanced at Matt, then over to Piper. She had waited patiently for this moment, she had waited patiently, and she was hoping for good news.

Hoping.  
>Hoping.<p>

Always hoping.

'Miss Vause is scheduled for surgery at three this morning––'

A _clatter_ as the handcuffs tight around her wrist became undone. It was done.

It was done.

'Oh.'

'You want to see her, right?'

Piper felt light on her feet as the Chief escorted her towards Alex's room. Before she arrived, it all came flooding through her, crashing like waves –– _everything_. Everything that Alex was, and everything that Alex meant to her. _She's alive, she's alive, she's alive and she's getting a heart_––

'I can't keep you in there long. Fifteen minutes. She's very weak.'

She knew. She knew Alex was weak, but she needed to see her. Piper brushed past him, through the door. _Beep... beep... beep..._ It was as if what happened before _never actually happened_. No signs of Piper's torture, nothing. The heart monitor continuous. Constant. Piper nearly tripped. She pressed a hand against the wall, struggled to maintain her composure.

Failed.

This wasn't okay.

_We are not okay_.

Alex didn't have much strength or energy in her. Her eyes opened slightly, and Piper was ready to yell, scream at her, but she couldn't. She _pushed_ herself over towards the bed, _shuddering_ with anger, with a horrid desperation to _cling_ onto her –– she needed her to stay alive. She needed –– _wanted_ –– her to stay alive. There was no question. No buts, no ands, no nothing.

The heart was hers.

At a cost.

Piper kissed her, and every thought, every word she had to voice was expressed in those few minutes as their lips touched. She felt herself slipping, and had to hold onto Alex urgently, had to have her. It was all ruined, everything she had worked for was destroyed because of Alex.

The closed doors had been opened. There weren't anymore secrets left to shred them apart.

_Beep... beep... beep..._

With only a lamp to offer them light, Piper could barely see her –– she _couldn't_ _see_. There were too many tears, too many, too much, and she kissed her chapped, sore lips again, and there was only one thing left to say. There were only four words Alex needed to hear before she was taken away for the last time, before she was given her heart, before it all came falling down.

Another kiss. Alex managed to rest a hand just below Piper's shoulder, listened:

'You can't leave me.'

It took everything in her to smile, remind Piper she was still Alex. Still the same person. Still _okay_. There was a reason to hang on for just another hour, for just a moment.

There was a reason.

'I'm here, kid.'

**.**

**.**

**.**


	23. Something Better

**.**

**.**

**.**

Behind Closed Doors  
><strong>23.<strong>

**.**

**.**

**.**

'Can we make a pact?'

'Okay.'

'I saved your life, so you must promise to survive the surgery.'

'I'll try, kid.'

'That's not all. I saved your life, so you owe me. You have to save me, too. I can't let you die on me again. I don't–– I won't be able to handle it. When you signed that fucking DNR form, you were signing me over as well. And you don't get to do that. Not again… I want to walk out of this hospital with you… I want to follow you back to wherever you call home, and I want to stay. You owe me. You owe me a home. A life.'

'You're not exactly playing the professional doctor here.'

'I know, and I don't care anymore.'

'...'

'I think being a doctor is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Until I met you. You became the best thing. _Person_. I choose the best.'

'You're going to give me another heart attack.'

'I'm not kidding.'

'You'll wait for me, right?'

'I clearly have nothing better to do.'

'Clearly.'

'... I'll wait for you. Even if I have to wait sixty years, I'll wait for you.' _Even if you don't make it. Even if you don't pull through –– I'll always wait. _'Be nice to the surgeon. He _is_ going to replace your heart, after all.'

'Oh, don't sweat it, kid. I'm as sweet as honey when I want to be.'

'You're funny.'

The last little ounce of energy she possessed was gone. The oxygen mask back over her mouth again, and the time –– _tick, tick, ticking_ –– counting down the seconds until Alex would be sent to the operating room. To cradle the heart Piper had fought for her. It wasn't necessarily just an organ anymore, a muscle which pumped blood, helping the oxygen travel around the body, no longer just a machine.

Piper would love that heart. Feel it beat beneath her palm, rest her ear against her chest, listen, _listen to her breathe, listen to her live, _and fear that it might stop. It might simply stop. The fact that this woman –– someone so dear and _everything to her_ –– could simply cease to be. Could simply disappear. Slip away one final time. It brought them together again –– the exhausted, weak organ pathetically _beat, beat, beating_. The heart made it possible, made it inevitable, made them.

This time –– this time around –– she wasn't going anywhere.

When the hour arrived, Piper took her hand as her bed was rolled out of the ward, towards the operating room. Stopped, forbidden to go any further, and quietly whispered into her ear three words neither were prepared to hear.

Each little piece was set.

Alex looked at her –– once. And when she was gone, taken away, Piper clung to that memory. That look. That sudden realisation she wasn't alone, never had been; that moment when there was life in her eyes. Despite being seconds away from death, despite _embracing_ death only hours ago, there was still a glimmer of life in her eyes.

All for her. All for Piper.

Temporarily just a visitor, there was very little she could do, but stick to her promise and wait.

**.**

**.**

**.**

It became habit.

Four hours. Twenty eight minutes. Thirteen seconds.

An eternity. It became habit –– asking for updates. Requesting to observe from the gallery. Approaching a nurse. Mentioning Alex Vause, if she was okay. If the nurse wouldn't mind updating her every thirty minutes. If someone wouldn't mind talking to her. Telling her it was all going to be okay.

If she should have said good bye when she had the chance. Kissed her one last time.

Habit. Shuddering in fear, in anticipation, impatiently glancing at the clock, standing to her feet whenever a doctor approached her. Alex was always doing well, but not much could be said. Piper didn't believe him. They couldn't tell her what was happening. They couldn't let her panic. They had no time for her. The surgeon didn't care; he only wanted to hold the heart, replace it, he wanted to be King, so lost in his own worth and splendour, he no longer cared about the lone girl waiting outside.

Unaware that the machine he was operating on was indeed _human_.

Loved. Wanted. Needed.

Missed.

The scrubs had become battered armour. Dented. They weighed her down, she was desperate to rip them off, shred them to pieces –– the dark blue a reminder _you nearly lost her. You nearly lost her. You nearly lost her._ She nearly gave up. She _did_ give up. She was tricked, hurt, _broken_.

Because of Piper, her heart failed.

It had always failed because of her. Unable without her.

Maybe now… maybe now, it would be different. Maybe now, there would be no tuberculosis, no more blood, no more surgeries, no more heart attacks, no more hospitals and no more doctors. Yes –– that little perfect image in her head. Burning with so many flaws and cracks and disasters waiting to happen. And yet, so perfect. That life with Alex –– ruinous, but beautiful.

The heart may not last. It may give her another ten or twenty years. Maybe five.

But, one more year was all Piper could ask for. One more day. One more.

'Has she gone into surgery?'

Several charts clutched to her chest, Polly lingered beside Piper, uncertain. A little nervous. A little paranoid she no longer belonged. Piper tried to smile. Tried. Instead, she nodded. A short nod. 'I'm waiting for her.'

Polly hesitated. Placed the charts aside, and sat down next to her. 'I'll wait with you.'

'Don't you have patients to heal?'

'Yeah, but they can manage without me for now.'

They exchanged looks. Glanced away. Piper stared at the floor. Polly at the clock. And for a while, they had nothing to say. There were apologies to voice, there were confessions to make, but silence was best. Silence worked. Silence whispered the thousands of words they weren't strong enough to utter.

So, they waited. They waited when it was five o'clock in the morning, then six o'clock, then quarter past six.

A few more minutes.

The surgeon appeared, removing his face mask. Piper felt shaky on her feet, felt Polly hold her wrist.

Four hours. Twenty eight minutes. Thirteen seconds.

A numbness shattered through her. The surgeon exhaled, twitched a little smile, 'We had a little trouble starting her heart again, but she pulled through.' _Crashed. Everything, every little piece of her crashed, like waves, like rocks, heavy, powerful crashes that made her gasp for air._ 'She's okay––'

Alex was going to be okay.

'––The transplant was a success.'

Polly's grip on her wrist tightened.

'She's not conscious right now. Give her until midday, I'd suggest. You can see her then. Heart patients bounce back pretty quickly. Well, I'm sure you know that anyway, don't you, doctor?'

A thank you. A smile.

Not until she was out of the hospital, out of her scrubs, in jeans and a jumper, lost within her apartment, blanket over her shoulders, hugging her knees on the bed –– did she cry. And she cried while she smiled, cried out of relief, cried out of joy, cried out of hope and the thrill of knowing she was hers. The tears were gentle, and they flowed, and she was imprisoned in euphoria.

She didn't sleep. She waited.

She wasn't letting go.

**.**

**.**

**.**

The Chief confirmed she could continue her residency next Monday, after she finished her suspension without pay. It was the first she heard from anyone that morning; a phone call at eight. She was awake, she had been awake for more than twenty-four hours. Hanging up, she dressed, and pretended today was like any other day.

But, as she opened the door to her apartment, stepped through, her heart was racing. She had waited. She had waited for too long. It was a short drive to the hospital. It took her only several seconds to reach the desk, ask which ward Alex Vause was in. A minute and a half to reach her floor, to reach her ward.

To reach her.

Colour. Colour in her cheeks, the exhaustion gone from her eyes, the oxygen mask ridden of, and she sat upright, reading. Sensed Piper approaching before she even showed herself. And there was a speech. At first, Piper had a speech, but it wasn't necessary anymore. She just needed to see her smirk, smug, that glint of I-told-you-so. She tried to live through the surgery, and she did.

They won.

_They_ pulled through. Eventually.

'I'm going to miss seeing you in that gown. It's starting to look good on you.'

'Well, I'll tell you something, kid––' She pulled off her glasses, '––I'm not going to miss those scrubs.' She smiled crookedly. 'Can you hear that?'

Piper could.  
>The heart monitor.<p>

… _beep… beep… beep… beep… beep… beep…_

'Normal rhythm,' Piper exhaled.

'I guess I owe you.'

'Guess so.'

'Thanks.' _Beep… beep…_ 'Thank you.'

'I was just doing my job.'

'You've come a long way since I first met you, kid.' She grinned. _Beep… beep… beep… beep…_ 'I mean, you can now pronounce my name right.'

It was Alex's favourite smile. The smile which expressed nothing but happiness, that element of childishness, optimism. _Glowing_. A rare sight lately. 'You look better.' She did. In every sense of the word, Alex looked better. 'I'm glad you didn't disappear.'

'Yeah.' _Beep… beep… beep…_ 'I'm glad I didn't either.'

Stepping further inside, Piper sat on the edge of the bed, her hand trailing up Alex's arm, before catching her hand. Squeezed. Looked at her, and suddenly felt alarmed at what they were, what they had become, awed by who she was. The monitor _beeped, beeped, beeped_ and nurses and doctors walked past the ward, and everything just continued. Everything was the same, everything perfect.

And all Piper could think of was –– _finally_.

Finally.

'Why do you always feel so inevitable to me?'

Alex held her gaze. Smiled a little. 'I heart you.'

'You heart me?' Piper frowned. 'What is that?' She had to smile back when Alex chuckled, 'Is that like "I love you" for pussies?'

Pulling at her jacket slightly, Alex brought her closer, whispered, 'Say "pussy" again.'

She saw it all. The promise of a thousand tomorrows. An endless voyage of instability, mornings where each day was a mystery, waiting to be solved. Nights where she wouldn't go to bed alone, where she would be held, kissed good night. Something. It was something, and it was theirs.

'I heart you, too.'

**.**

**.**

**.**

December, and it was snowing. Light flakes that melted on the tip of her nose, in her hair, scattered across her hoody. Her doctor pushed her wheelchair out through the door, into the brisk, nippy air. So refreshing and crisp. She could breathe. Carefully, Alex rose to her feet, free from wires and oxygen masks and IV drips and every ache in her body. Back turned to the hospital, she looked over at Piper.

The younger woman shared her excitement, and embraced her. They hugged, and Alex kissed her, and her lips tasted like snow, like winter. Her heart beat, heavy against her ribcage, and her body was warm, soft, and she breathed and white puffs of smoke escaped whenever she exhaled. And she smiled too, the back of her hand brushing across Piper's cheek.

'You waited for me.'

Another hug. Gentle. Piper's lips pressed against the crook of her neck. Closed her eyes, and held onto whatever was left.

She would follow her Home.

* * *

><p><em>My voice; a beacon in the night.<em>  
><em>My words will be your light,<em>  
><em>to carry you to me.<em>

* * *

><p>end.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>author's note<strong>: Oh, crap. This is the longest fanfiction I've ever written, and I didn't know if I would ever finish it, but I did, and _wow_. This AU has been more popular than I expected. I'm not sure what you loved about it, but I'm really glad you did. As always, this chapter wrote itself. However, I'm content with how it ended. You have all been absolutely amazing in your support and enthusiasm. This story wouldn't have been finished if it weren't for each one of you, so I am extremely thankful.

Well, I guess I'll see you elsewhere, whether it be on another oneshot or another chaptered story. Thank you again. Until next time!

Lyrics belong to Sara Bareilles (Winter Song).


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